I don't know what I think about this chapter. A half of me likes it, but the other hates it...
I've been really busy; I have to study a lot for my tests, so I haven't had enough time to write.
Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter!
I can't believe what Finnick has just told me… Well, I don't want to believe it. He told me he loved me, or at least that's what I think he meant…
I didn't know what to say, I just ran away. I must say that I wasn't expecting it and I feel awful for reacting the way I did; but I freaked out… I just never thought that this would happen…
The sun is going down. I've been sitting on the same tree branch for more than three hours; I know that I should start heading back, but I'm not ready to face Finnick or Gale.
I sigh and climb down; I wander around the forest for about an hour and then head back. I walk to my room looking at the ground and ignoring the people I walk by.
When I get to my room I lie in my bed and look at the ceiling. Prim walks into the room. She says hi to me and lies next to me.
"What's wrong?" She asks.
"Nothing, sweetie. I'm a little tired; I went for a walk to the forest." I reply and caress her hair.
"Are you sure?" She insists.
"Yeah. How was your day?" I ask her.
"It was okay." She replies smiling "I went to school and then helped mom at the nursery."
School… I've been skipping it since the day I arrived.
The people at District Thirteen welcomed us with open arms; they're providing us food, school and employment, also a room and a bed. They're being really nice.
"What about you?" She asks.
I hesitate. I think about telling her what happened to Finnick, but I don't. She doesn't need to know.
"Finnick and I went for a walk to the forest." I reply faking a smile.
"Did you have a good time?"
"Yeah…" I reply.
"I miss home." She mutters sadly.
I sigh.
"I miss home too…" I reply.
My mind flies to the memory of the last time I was at District twelve… It was just a few days after I arrived to District Thirteen. I wanted to go. Just to make sure that I could trust Plutarch and the rest of the rebels. I get chills when I remember the white rose I found at my house.
"You should come to the forest with me…" I say smiling.
"We're not going to hunt, aren't we?" She asks terrified.
"Yeah, you need to know how to properly shoot an arrow at a deer." I tease her.
"Katniss!" She exclaims.
"It was a joke, Prim." I tell her smiling.
"Okay, I'll go." She agrees.
She tells me about the things that she learned today at school and we fall asleep after a while.
It's been a week since Finnick told me that he is in love with me and I must say that things have changed a lot since that day. He does not talk to me anymore; he acts like if nothing had happened. He ignores me and avoids looking back at me when we walk by each other's side. He looks hurt. I know I screwed it up and I really want to apologize, but I don't have enough courage to look at him. Gale's asked me what happened that day at the woods, but I change the subject every time he asks. I'm not going to tell him, I don't want to cause more trouble.
Lately, I've been feeling a little depressed. I'm homesick and I've been having nightmares about infinite ways of losing Peeta, Prim, Mom, Gale and Finnick. I need someone to talk to. And I don't think that telling Gale about my nightmares is a good idea, neither is talking to him about Finnick or Peeta, he'd get insanely jealous and I hate when he does that.
I'm surprised when I notice where my feet dragged me. I knock.
Haymitch opens the door.
"To what do I honor the pleasure of your visit, Sweetheart?" He asks grinning. His breath smells of alcohol. He's been drinking, as usual.
"I need someone to talk to…" I mutter.
He invites me in and asks me to take a seat. I do as he says.
"Do you want something to drink?" He asks giggling.
I remember the first time I got drunk. I was at Haymitch's house, before the reaping for The Quarter Quell. I sigh.
"Yeah…" I reply.
He hands me a glass of whiskey and I drink it at once.
"So, what do you want to talk about?" He asks serious as he pours more whiskey into my glass.
"I feel so… I don't know how to describe it…" I mutter.
"Fucked up?" He asks giggling.
"Yeah, that's close to it." I mutter.
One more time, I drink the whiskey at once. Haymitch cocks both eyebrows in surprise.
"Do you want the whole bottle?" He asks grinning.
I hesitate. He hands it to me.
"Thank you…" I whisper.
I start drinking it; I dislike taste of whiskey, my throat burns with every sip. I ignore it and continue drinking.
"You're planning to get drunk, huh?" It sounds more like an affirmation than a question.
"Maybe." I reply.
"Well, Sweetheart… Tell me, what's been going on lately?" He asks.
"I'm homesick." I reply with my lips against the bottle.
"That's it?" He asks.
I'm starting to get a little dizzy and my mind is starting to get cloudy. I growl when I notice that there's no more whiskey left in the bottle.
"No, it's just that… I miss Peeta, you know..." I feel a lump on my throat. "And things are starting to get messed up." I stare at the empty bottle. "May I have a little more?"
He snorts and hands me another bottle. I drink it faster than the previous one.
"What's going on?" He insists.
"I miss Peeta…"
"I know there's something else that bothers you…" He interrupts me.
I stare confused at him and stay quiet for a while.
"I… I told Gale that I love him…" Tears start streaming down my face.
I ask Haymitch for more alcohol, he hesitates.
"Katniss, are you okay?" He asks concerned.
I feel how the alcohol starts to make effect, I feel dopey, plus my vision is turning blurry.
"No. I'm not." I reply clenching my eyes.
"What's wrong?" He asks and hands me another bottle.
I drink it as fast as I did with the previous one. I feel the need to talk to Haymitch about everything that has been going on.
"I miss Peeta…"I repeat "I figured out that I love him… It was a few weeks ago." My eyes burn because of the tears that I'm holding back "I figured it out too late" I mutter "You were right, I didn't deserve him…" I sigh.
Haymitch stays silent. I keep drinking until there's nothing left in the bottle. Haymitch asks me if I want more, I nod and he hands me another one.
"I'm getting tired of this, you know?" I laugh bitterly "Love makes us do stupid things."
Haymitch stares at me.
"I told Gale that I love him…" I repeat.
"You do?" He asks. "I mean, do you love him?"
"I do, but not in the way he wants me to, I love him as my friend or like a brother; though I promised to myself that I'd try to love him the way he wants me to. I swore that I'll try to make him happy…" I mutter.
"What about you?" He asks "You also deserve to be happy…"
I snort. I don't deserve happiness. I've countlessly hurt the ones I love. I deserve to be punished.
"Screw my happiness." I mutter "I don't deserve it."
"Everyone deserves to be happy." Haymitch mutters "An unhappy person refuses to be happy…"
I sigh. I can't think clearly. My unhappiness is the consequence of everything that I've done; I've hurt people… And what's worse: People have died for and because of me.
"I don't know what to do…" I whisper "I just want to run away and forget about everything… I want to stop hurting people… That's what sickens me the most."
He sighs and sits next to me.
"Take it out…" He says. "Keeping it all to yourself will only make you feel worse."
"Finnick told me that he might be in love with me…" I mutter.
"Whoa…" He whispers surprised "And what did you tell him?"
"I ran away." I sigh "He hasn't talked to me since that day. I miss talking to him… When I'm with him, the pain goes away… Well, it used to." I try to fight the tears that are struggling to come out. "He told me that he likes who he is when he's around me. I feel the same: he makes me feel alive, he makes me smile…" I babble "He told me that he wanted to be with me… Maybe I want to be with him too… " My heart races. I frown. "But I screwed it up..." I laugh bitterly "And what about Gale? I can't dump him just because of Finnick."
The alcohol has taken control over my brain and mouth.
Haymitch stares at me; he's holding back a smile.
"What is it?" I ask "Do you find funny what I'm saying?"
"Did you hear what you've just said?" He asks giggling stupidly.
"What did I say?" I ask confused.
"Never mind." He replies "Then… What are you going to do?"
"About what?" I ask confused.
My mind's a mess. I'm a mess.
"About Finnick and Gale…" He replies "You don't have to be with Gale if you don't love him, that'll only hurt both of you… Think about Peeta, he would want you to be happy."
I get a lump in my throat when he mentions Peeta. I start crying.
"I miss him, Haymitch." I sob.
"I miss him too, Sweetheart." He whispers "He was a good boy, kind and caring. He didn't deserve to die…"
His words feel like a punch in the guts. I cry for a long while and then fall asleep.
I wake up lying in Haymitch's bed. He's snoring asleep in a chair.
My head aches like hell and I feel weak. It's because of the hangover.
I get out of his room and walk to mine. Mom and Prim are asleep, I try to walk to my bed as silent as I can, but I trip over Buttercup.
"Goddamned cat." I mutter.
I snort when I noticed that I woke them up.
"I'm sorry. Go back to sleep…" I whisper as walk to my bed.
"Where have you been?" mom asks.
"I was with Haymitch." I reply lying on my bed.
"Have you been drinking?" She asks pissed.
"Maybe. A little." I reply covering my face with the pillow. I go back to sleep. I'm tired.
I wake up when I hear someone knocking on the door. I growl and get out of bed.
My mouth widens in surprise when I see him standing there. He's serious, but he doesn't look angry. I want him to hold me tight in his arms; I need to feel his warmth… I want to feel complete again.
But I know that the last thing he wants to do is hug me.
"Finnick… Wh-What are you doing here?" I ask.
"I want to talk to you." He mutters.
My heart races and I take a deep breath. What does he want to talk about?
That's it for this chapter!
Thank you for all of your support! You can't imagine how happy you make me.