I sobbed like an idiot while writing this. FYI and fair warning. Holy crap, I didn't anticipate how emotional it would be to write this.
I had a REALLY REALLY REALLY bad day today. Make it better and review? Please?!
Also, I can't NOT dedicate this to AlwayYouTobyCavanaugh. Were you seriously looking for a PS I Love You Spoby story? Because that's kind of freaky?! We're obviously connected. PLL Best Friend Mind Twins, duh.
Honorable mention to tobyequalshottness for being the first reviewer! You're the bestest :)
Okay, read and review!
Chapter 2
To death do us part. It was just something you said at your wedding. The words that you distractedly utter to get to the good part; the part where the minister pronounces you married. But Spencer now had a new appreciation for her wedding vows. Except they were wrong. Death didn't part her and Toby. She saw him everywhere. He was there as they passed by the tree where the two of them shared their first kiss. He was there as they passed the hill that they would frequent in their youth when they just needed to escape. He was there as they pulled up in front of the church that they would pass on their walks. He was in the car with them as his favorite song came on the radio. He was everywhere. There was no escaping the memories; not that she wanted to, because they were all that she had left of him. And as much as they hurt she would cling to them for dear life.
She walked slowly into the church with her head down. It served a dual purpose, really. It hid her face from the world. Her eyes were swollen and painful, and there were red tear tracks down her cheeks. She had finally managed to stop crying, but she hadn't bothered to put on any makeup. What was the point? It also ensured that she wouldn't have to face any of the pity filled eyes. She could imagine the thoughts running through people's minds. Here she comes, the 26 year old widow.
Widow. It was such a depressing word. Alone. She was alone. And the worst part was that she wanted to stay that way. She didn't want empathy. She didn't want company. She just wanted to sit alone and saturate herself in the memories of Toby. She wanted to remember the way that he held her when she was sad. She wanted to remember the way that he kissed her to quiet her insecurities. She wanted to remember the way that he made her feel beautiful just by looking at her. Maybe if she was lucky she would die in the midst of one of her memories. At this point she couldn't think of a better way to go.
This pain was intense and all-consuming. She couldn't imagine anything else ever hurting this badly. But even through the pain she recognized that it was better than the alternative. Because as much as she was hurting from the loss of Toby, she knew that she this was preferable to having never met him. She would rather have an eternity in hell with Toby than be in heaven with anyone else.
Loving Toby wasn't something that she had expected. He kind of just snuck up on her. Little by little he stole portions of her heart until she was too far gone. He was everything. Everything. And she had no idea how she was going to learn to live without him in her life. He was the only one who made her feel happy when she was at her saddest. He was the only one that could make her feel worth something when she was at her most insecure. He was the only one who could talk her down when she was at her most livid. She needed him like she needed the air she was breathing.
Sometimes it scared her to think how easily she could have missed all of it. How easy it would have been for her to turn away that day that her and Toby first started connecting, and how different her life would have been had she been more cowardly.
"Fucking loser."
Spencer's head whipped up from her conversation with Emily to see which poor student Noel Kahn was bullying now. She was slightly shocked when she took in the disheveled hair of Toby Cavanaugh. Noel shoved him again into some lockers, but Toby just stood there and took the abuse.
Emily sighed and pointedly looked away. Her and Toby were friends, but Spencer knew that she was too timid to stand up for him in a hallway filled with people. "Why does he just take it? He could kick Noel's ass. Look at those arms!"
She shook her head. "He's too- nice. I don't know how else to describe it. He wouldn't hurt a fly, let alone an actual person."
That confused her, because she had always been taught to stand up for herself. "But Noel deserves it."
"Let's just suffice it to say that Toby's been through some stuff that would cause him to think twice about hurting another person."
She didn't know what Emily meant, but she knew enough to know that she had to put a stop to this. It wasn't right to just stand by and let Noel hurt someone who was apparently a decent enough person to not react even though he was more than capable. Spencer shoved through the crowd and interjected herself between Noel and Toby.
Noel, who was as Neanderthal-like as they came, wasn't enough of a prick to hit a girl. "Get out of the way, Hastings."
"Not a chance in hell, Noel. Don't you have practice? Or did you lose your balls?" She didn't know where that came from, but she had to fight to keep the smile off of her face. That was a good one.
"Wow, insulted by the school nerd. How am I ever going to go on?" Noel responded dramatically, raising his hand to his forehead as though he felt faint.
Spencer rose her eyebrows in his direction. He wasn't calling her a nerd last week when he grabbed her ass in bio. "At least I won't be flipping burgers at McDonald's when I'm 50. You better watch your calories, Noel. I'm seeing quite the beer belly in your future."
He rolled his eyes and stalked off down the hallway, his loyal herd of lackies following closely behind him.
As soon as Noel was out of sight Spencer spun around and held a hand out for Toby. He took he gratefully as she helped pulled him to his feet. He looked at her curiously. "Why'd you do that?"
That wasn't what she was expecting. Maybe a quiet thank you, or perhaps he would just walk off down the hallway without another word. She wasn't expecting him to question her with quite that degree of confidence. "I- I don't know. I guess I don't like to watch stuff like that happen. I don't know what he has against you, but you didn't deserve that."
He tilted his head to the side, and for all the world she felt like his bright, blue eyes were peering into her very soul. It was quite the disconcerting feeling. "You're different than I thought you'd be."
"Is that good or bad?" She wasn't really sure what he was even saying, but she knew that this was certainly going to be the weirdest conversation that she had all day.
"Do you want to get coffee with me after school?"
She definitely wasn't expecting that. But even as her eyebrows shot up into her hairline in shock she found herself feeling agreeable. "Sure, why not?"
She had had no idea what she was starting by stepping in that day, but now that she knew there was no way that she would trade it for anything in the world.
"Spencer?"
Hanna had led her to the pew in the front row while she was lost in her thoughts. She didn't look up, but she was glad to know that Emily was there. If anyone loved Toby as much as she did it was Emily. "Hey," she breathed, not feeling up to speaking any louder.
"Do- do you want to go see him?"
No. She didn't. She didn't think that she was prepared for that at all. But she knew that she had too because the funeral was to start soon, and they would take him away immediately after the service. Her heart ached at even the thought of seeing his body dead and cold, but she knew that it was absolutely necessary. She would regret it forever if she didn't go see him one last time.
She didn't bother responding to Emily. She knew that she was being rude, but hopefully her friends gave her a pass. It was well deserved. She slowly pulled herself upward and walked to the casket, the dread growing in her stomach with every single step that she took. She reached the casket and grasped the smooth, wooden edges so tightly that her knuckles turned white.
Any sense of self control she had garnished shattered like a piece of weakened glass at the sight of his face. Just when she thought that she couldn't cry anymore the tears flowed freely. They went streaming down her face and bounced off of their landing point on his skin. "Toby," she sobbed quietly.
Her trembling fingers reached out to stroke his cheek. It was a path that she had taken so many times in the past. A gentle trail over the smooth skin from his temple to the small groove in his chin, sometimes her fingers werr pricked by his stubble. But this was different. There was no warmth. She couldn't see blood pooling beneath her fingers. He was cold, still, and almost wax-like.
Her sobs continued hard and fast, but she couldn't look away. It took her a moment, but she finally realized that it was because for the first time in a year he finally looked peaceful. She was glad that he wasn't suffering anymore, but God, she wished that it hadn't meant that he had to leave her. What was she supposed to do without him? How was she supposed to say goodbye to the man that changed her entire life?
He knees weakened as she realized that this was the last time she would see his face. Sure, there were pictures and videos, but this was him. This was his body. This was the face that she had caressed when he was sad. These were the lips that had explored her body so many times. These were the hands that held her up when she couldn't stand anymore. And now she had to say goodbye.
"I-I love y-you," she stuttered. "Oh God. T-Toby, I love you s-so much. Forever, baby. F-forever." She ducked down and pressed her lips to his cold forehead, lingering much longer than she anticipated. But she couldn't let go. She couldn't leave him. This was it. "I love you," she whispered again. Her voice had more strength behind it. But it was the words, not her. Because she did love him. She loved him with every part of her heart and her soul; now and forever. Death wouldn't change that. He was it for her. "I love you," she said one final time, as she tore herself away from him.
Hands met her as she stumbled backward, too blinded by her tears to see. She knew it had to have been Caleb, though. Neither Emily nor Hanna had hands that were that large or rough. He helped her back into her seat just as the ceremony began.
She tuned out most of it. She didn't need reminding of how wonderful her husband was. She lived it every single day.
"And now we'll hear a few words from Toby's wife, Spencer."
She was seriously regretting agreeing to speak, but she would suck it up. It was for Toby. She shakily stood to her feed and tried to brush the tears away, but it wasn't working. There was no point in even trying. She would probably cry from now until eternity. She stood at the podium looking down at Toby for a moment before beginning to speak. "When I was asked to talk I originally wanted to refuse. I fully anticipated being a mess, which I seem to have correctly predicted." She indicated her tear-stained, make-up free face, earning a few chuckles from those in attendance.
"I really have to apologize in advance, because I can tell you right now that I'm not going to get through this without- well, crying harder. So just pretend you can understand me." People chuckled again, but she wasn't trying to be funny. She just thought it would be less embarrassing if she got it out of the way now. "I was going to refuse, but then I remembered a conversation I had with T-Toby right before he- he um- he passed away." She swallowed back the sob that was threatening to erupt from her emotion-constricted throat.
"Toby made me promise that I wouldn't let people forget who he was. I was confused by that until he went on to clarify that he wanted people to remember who he was before he got sick. So I'm going to do just that. I assume that you're here today because you knew Toby in some capacity. Whether it was through school, work, support groups, whatever. Thank you. Thank you for coming out to honor him today. He would love it if he could see you all here."
She smiled softly and retracted her former statement. "Actually, no he wouldn't. He would be so embarrassed to be the center of attention." And she was gratified by some nods of agreement. "Toby was wonderful. He was the best man that I've ever known. He was kind, gentle, sweet, patient, and just every other good thing in the world. I swear, there was nothing bad in him. There was only good. But he was also shy. He didn't like being the center of attention, and he didn't like being praised."
She glanced down at Toby again, but this time she smiled through here tears. "Well tough shit, baby. Sorry for cursing in a church," she added hastily. "But tough shit. You left me, so I'm going to have to tell everyone how you were the perfect husband, since you aren't around for them to see it. When I was sad he did everything I could to make me laugh. He looked past the annoying, know-it-all girl that most of you know and he saw the real me. He never let my insecurities blind me to who I really was. He reminded me of my strengths every single day. He never wavered in telling me how beautiful I was or how much he loved me. I'm sorry if this is a jumbled mess, but I didn't really prepare anything." Spencer apologized, and then took a breath to control herself. "I just- I can't say goodbye to him. I don't know how. I just-"
She shook her head, knowing that she was officially unable to continue. "I'm sorry-" she whispered into the microphone. If anyone in the church could discern her words between her loud sobs then she knew that she was going to be thoroughly impressed.
Hanna and Emily both immediately wrapped their arms around her, and the three girls sat together in a jumbled mess of trembling limbs and hysterical tears. She might have lost her husband, but both Hanna and Emily had lost an incredible friend. They were all feeling this loss.
Her eyes apprehensively looked back to the podium as Caleb took her place. He looked down at her for a moment before he began to speak. "Well, Spencer got all of the mushy stuff out of the way, so I can just tell you about the fun stuff. Spence-" he paused, a small smirk playing at his lips. "I am about a million percent certain that Toby never told you this story, so yeah. You enjoy." He looked upward, his smirk only growing. "Sorry bro, she was bound to find out at some point."
She did her best to quiet her cries, completely curious as to what Caleb was about to say. He shook his head to himself as he began his tale. "Okay, so right before he got married Toby was exceedingly difficult. I, and the other groomsmen, desperately wanted to throw him a bachelor party. But he always refused. Bachelor parties are for people who are sad to be getting married, and I can't wait. Pathetic really." Caleb winked at her, to let her know that he was kidding.
That definitely sounded like Toby, and she was a little scared as to where this story was going.
"So, we obviously had to throw him a surprise party. And for all of you men who have attended a bachelor party, you know it isn't complete without strippers. So we snuck Toby into a strip club." This time Caleb laughed. "I wouldn't be talking about a strip club in church, but I can't think of a better story to illustrate what kind of guy Toby was."
Was he kidding? He took her husband to a strip club on the eve of their wedding? As soon as he was within arms reach she was going to smack him upside the back of the head.
Caleb smirked at her as though he knew exactly what she was thinking. "Stop trying to disintegrate me with your laser vision, Spencer. I'm not done yet. Okay, so the second that Toby realized where we were he blushed this deep, tomato red and immediately closed his eyes. He put both hands over top of them to ensure that he didn't even get a peak. He tried to walk out with his eyes covered, and he wouldn't listen to us when we told him that it was a bad idea. He almost made it to the door, but he ended up tripping over someone else's shoe and landing smack dab in the lap of our old high school chemistry teacher."
Oh my God. Oh my God. Temporarily her tears were replaced by a short-term burst of laughter, because that was so Toby. She wouldn't have really minded had he gone to a strip club. It wouldn't have thrilled her but she knew that he loved her, and that was what guys do on their last night before the wedding. But it was so Toby to refuse to go, and then to try to sneak away. Oh my God, she loved him. She loved him so much.
"So basically," Caleb began again. "Toby was the best of the best. He loved Spencer with every single fiber of his being, The main goal in his life was to make her happy. God, Spence I know he'd want to be here for you if he could. For all of you. If you knew Toby you knew how much he cared about everyone that was important to him. If he trusted you he would have climbed Mount freaking Everest to help you. The world is a worse place without him. I'll miss you buddy."
She'd miss him too. Her emotions were all over the place. She was thoroughly amused by Caleb's story, but she was still painfully and miserably devastated by her loss. But that was one thing she knew for certain. She would spend the rest of her life missing Toby Cavanaugh.