The feedback for this story has been incredible so far, you guys! Incredible! Like I'm in awe! I love it and I love you!

Next chapter hint. It includes a recording, a phone call, and a sick Toby flashback.

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Chapter 5

The cold air from the open window stung at her tear swollen cheeks. Her heart hurt as she watched her apartment grow smaller in the mirror. It was absolutely outrageous, but she felt true anxiety over leaving the building. In the apartment she felt saturated by Toby's presence, and as painful as it was, it was equally comforting. Here she was forced to face the world on her own.

She walked into the restaurant with her head down and her arm linked with Emily's to guide her. The burden of making eye contact with anyone else was just too much right now. She was out of the apartment, albeit reluctantly. That was as much progress as she could make for a single day.

The sunrise was beautiful. The orange, red, and purple flowed together into swirl of colors. But honestly, she didn't know that she could ever find something beautiful again. It was all that she could do to get out of bed.

"Spence!" Hanna's voice was so excited, like she made her entire week by arriving at the restaurant.

It was so completely Hanna that she couldn't help but smile. "Hey, Han."

She settled into the booth and immediately dropped her eyes to the rough, wooden table top. Oh look, someone had carved a penis in the corner. That's cute. She brushed her fingers over the scratched surface.

"Here's a menu, Spence." Caleb passed her a menu, pressing it into her hands before he released it. His voice was both soft and firm at the same time.

Because Spencer knew Caleb so well she knew what he was basically saying that she had to eat or else, but she wasn't sure that she could keep anything down. She smiled down at the table, trying her best to give off a strong front for them. They were being so incredibly wonderful to her, so she could try to make an effort. "I just don't know if I can keep anything down," she admitted softly.

"Well you're going to give it a solid effort," Hanna said firmly. "If you have to puke I will hold your hair back for you."

"Get some chocolate chip pancakes," Emily suggested.

She immediately shook her head no. She could try to eat, but she couldn't do chocolate chip pancakes.

"Spence?"

His soft voice roused her from her lethargic state. She blinked her weary eyes open and peered up at him.

Toby's lips were pursed as he reached down and brushed a light hand against her forehead. "You're feeling really warm, baby."

"I don't feel good," she mumbled and leaned against his hand. Nothing could bring her comfort like his touch, but she found it surprising that her forehead felt warm. She was freezing.

"You don't look so good, either," he chuckled, lifted up her trembling body, and gathered her into his arms. He draped her limp body across his solid torso and pressed a warm kiss to her frigid forehead.

"Thanks," she muttered sarcastically. She gathered fist fulls of his shirt and closed her eyes. She didn't feel as though she had the energy to move, but if she could she would wrap her arms around him.

"I made some pancakes. Do you think you can try eating?" He asked her softly.

"I can try," she rasped, her throat hurting more and more the longer that she talked. She knew that she should eat, and she was willing to try. "But I don't know if I'm going to be able to keep it down."

He nodded and pressed another kiss to the top of her head. "I'll be right back." He tightened his grip on her body and lowered her back to the couch.

As soon as his hands left her she couldn't stop a shiver from rocking through her body at the sudden loss of contact. It was like she didn't even realize how much she needed him until he was gone.

But she didn't have much time to miss him, because he was back in no time. He sat a plate down on the table and sat on the end of the couch nearest to her head. He carefully lifted her head up and deposited it gently into his lap. Without disturbing her too much he reached out with his long arms and grabbed the plate of pancakes. "Open up," he said softly and lifted a forkful of pancakes.

Her tired, emotionless face quickly transformed into a lazy smile. He was literally the perfect husband. "I love you," she murmured just before he deposited a bite full of the perfect pancake into her mouth. A napkin immediately followed the fork, wiping away any remnants of food.

His thumb brushed across her lips. "I love you too."

"I can't do chocolate chip pancakes," she said softly, not bothering to elaborate. After that day Toby made her chocolate chip pancakes when she was sick. It was their little tradition, and it didn't feel right to have them without him.

She picked up the menu and scanned it quickly. "Does the fruit plate suffice, oh food Nazis?" She flashed them a half smile to show them that she wasn't upset with them. Because she wasn't. She was about as far from angry as one could get. They were so incredibly patient with her, and she owed them the little bits of sanity that she was able to maintain.

"That is definitely acceptable," Hanna nodded in approval. "Thanks for being a good sport, Spencer."

"I'm trying," she said simply. She looked back down at the table as the waitress approached and allowed the others to order for her. Talking to strangers felt like it was too much right now. She knew that she needed to move on. She needed to let go of the pain and begin to live her life again. It was what Toby would want. But it had only been ten days. She couldn't imagine ever feeling better, but maybe she would one day.

She focused back on her friends with a renewed desire. She was not okay, but she could at least pretend to be for her friends' sake. She could cry her heart out later, when she was alone.

"-never met someone with an aversion to heated seats."

"Wait what?" She really needed to stop spacing out, because this sounded like a good story. She picked at her fruit plate that had just arrived in front of her as she waited for her friends to elaborate.

Caleb looked pleased that his story was the one that attracted her interest. "Okay, so last night I may or may not have gotten Hanna a little bit intoxicated."

"And by that he means that he absolutely and definitely got me rip roaring drunk," Hanna interjected with a laugh. "I actually might still be a little drunk."

"Right okay so I get her back into her car, buckle her seat belt, and take off down the road," Caleb began in a strained voice, trying to control his laughter. "I thought that she had passed out. It's cold, if you guys didn't notice, so I thought I'd do the right thing and turn the heated seat on. I didn't want her to freeze! It took a minute to warm up, but as soon as I felt it kick in on my seat Hanna literally lost her shit!"

"It wasn't that bad!" Hanna laughed.

"Oh it totally was. She screamed, grabbed her butt, and started to yell about how her ass was on fire. Her arms like literally were flailing around. I had to pull over after she accidentally smack me in the face, and the whole time she's just screaming about how we had to break up because I'm clearly a cannibal who was trying to cook and eat her."

Spencer just stared at Hanna incredulously for a moment before giggling. "Are you making this up?"

"No!" Hanna laughed and shook her head. "God, I kind of wish that he was though. How embarrassing."

Hanna was the best. Caleb was the best. Emily was the best. They were all the best for putting up with her. No matter justified her angst was, it was still difficult to be around. She knew that it was. She knew how much of a downer she was being, but they never let on. They never made her feel bad about it. They just continuously supported her and comforted her when she needed it. They held her up when it was impossible to stand. She loved them so much.

Innocent conversation dominated the rest of her breakfast. And while she didn't necessarily feel normal, she definitely felt slightly less abnormal. This was like any other breakfast they had ever enjoyed together, minus the obvious person missing from their table. The lack of his presence weighed heavy on her heart, and she was pretty sure that the burden would never lessen. But this? This was nice.

"Are you guys ready to go?"

Spencer looked up from the watermelon seed that she had been playing with and nodded shortly. She had done her fair share of socializing today. No one could accuse her of not trying. Now she was ready to return to her apartment, where she could once again feel surrounded by her husband's presence. She missed him to a painful degree. Would it hurt this badly forever?

She should have realized that it was too good to be true. Nothing good happened in her life. Not anymore.

"Spencer?" A cool hand wrapped around her wrist, stopping her progress to the door. Him? Really. Of all the people that she had to see in the world it was him?

"Wren, let go of her." Hanna's voice was devoid of any of its typical warmth.

He took the time to glance curiously at her, but before he could release her wrist Caleb pulled her out of his grasp. As soon as her wrist was free from Wren's ironclad grip she shrugged away from Caleb and ducked into the bathroom. She immediately entered a stall and slid to the ground. Renewed sobs ripped through her throat and rocked her body. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair. Wren got to live, but Toby didn't?

"Spencer? Can we talk for a second?"

She sighed and tossed a stack of discarded red solo cups into the trash. Letting Hanna have a party at her house was literally her worst idea ever. An even worse idea was not slamming the door in Wren's face when he showed up. What was he playing at? "If it's really a second. I have to get all of this cleaned up before my mom gets back from Boston."

"I'll help you," he replied earnestly. "Let's just talk."

"Fine," she sighed again.

He nodded a few times and sat down on the tall bar stool at her kitchen counter. "I need to tell you something. And I know that you know it. I know that you do. But I need to tell you. I need to know for certain that you know, okay?"

"Wren," she began in a warning tone. She didn't want to hear this. She knew where it was going, and there was nothing that she wanted to hear less.

"No Spencer. Let me talk. I love you Spencer. I love you and I think that you should choose me." He reached out to grab her hand and held onto it tightly.

She tried to pull her hand out of his, but his tight grasp was unrelenting. She refused to panic, not wanting to give him the satisfaction. "Wren, it's always going to be Toby."

"Why? Why? You can do so much better than him, Spencer. I'm a doctor. I'm going places. He's just a lowly carpenter with a rundown loft." Wren's hand tightened around hers and pulled her closer to him. "Let me show you how much I love you Spencer. Please."

He leaned in as though he were going to kiss her, but she dodged his wondering lips. "Wren you need to let go of me." She made her voice as calm as she could make it, but honestly, if he leaned in again she was going to punch him in the nuts.

"Why?" His voice was actually confused. Was he kidding?

"I think she said to let go of her."

It was almost comical how quickly her anger and fear evaporated at the sound of Toby's voice. He always made her feel safer than anyone else.

"This is between the two of us, mate," Wren said in a conversational voice, as though he weren't trying to assault her right then.

Toby stalked forward and ripped Wren's hand away from hers and pushed Spencer back behind him in one fluid motion. It was a complete over reaction, but she appreciated being away from Wren's unwelcome grasp all the same.

Toby tilted his head back to talk to her, but he didn't take his eyes off of Wren. "Spencer, give us a second?"

"Not a chance in hell," she replied without hesitation. She wasn't going to leave the two boys to a full out brawl in her kitchen.

"I'm not going to hit him, Spencer," Toby reached backward and gently ran his hand up and down her arm in reassurance. "I just need to talk to him."

"Don't worry, Spencer. I won't hurt him." Wren was being serious, which was honestly a bit comical.

She hesitated before nodding and walking into the hallway. But instead of leaving she hovered out of sight near the opening. She trusted Toby with everything. He wouldn't lie to her. But she didn't trust Wren. If Wren even thought about hurting Toby she would destroy him, and she would enjoy doing it.

"What's the problem, mate?" Wren muttered. From this vantage point she could hear just how slurred his words sounded. Was he still drunk?

Light footsteps thudded as though someone were pacing back and forth. "I need you to leave Spencer alone."

Wren snorted. "Why should I do that?"

"Because we're happy together Wren. I love her more than anything in the world, and I know that she loves me. We're happy, and all you're doing is causing problems between Spencer and her family. If you really care about her you'll leave her alone."

If the situation wasn't so serious she would have cracked a smile over how well he knew her. She never complained about when Wren was doing to her relationship with her family. She never told him how much she thought that Wren was hurting her familial relationships. He just knew. He always knew. God, she seriously just loved him so much.

"Would you just take a step back and realize you're making an arse out of yourself, Toby? She doesn't want you. She's using you to make a statement to mommy and daddy. Rich girl doesn't need her parent's approval on who she dates. As soon as she gets bored of you she's going to come running to me, and I hope that you're there to watch."

She had to hold onto the door frame to stop herself from going in there and giving Wren the nut punch that he deserved. How dare he talk to Toby like that? How dare he insinuate that she was that shallow.

"For the last time, I'm telling you that if you even consider touching Spencer again I will destroy you."

Toby didn't get like that very often. He was usually the most chill person that she ever met. He was usually kind to everyone that he met, and he almost never rose his voice. However, he did tend to get a bit maniacal when it came to protecting her.

"Piss off, tosser. Maybe next time you won't interrupt us before the good stuff."

The distinct sound of skin smacking sent a tremor of fear through her heart. Had Wren hit Toby? She tore through the doorway with little thought to the fact that this confirmed that she was eavesdropping.

But as she walked through the door she was met with an unexpected sight. Wren was grasping the side of his face, and Toby was standing over him, shaking out his fist. She stared in shock, not sure whether to laugh or yell. How do you react when you gentle boyfriend pummeled the bane of your existence.

Toby's eyes met hers almost immediately. The rage wiped off of his face and quickly transformed into apologetic remorse. "Spencer-" He didn't finish his sentence. Instead he quickly walked up to her and gathered her into his arms.

In the back of her mind she heard a disgruntled Wren leaving the kitchen. But that didn't matter. All that mattered was the perfect man that held her in his secure embrace. When Toby held her it was like nothing would ever go wrong again. He made her feel loved, safe, and secure. He was everything to her, and she had no idea what she would ever do without him.

His strong hand gently brushed over her hair. "I'm sorry, Spence?"

She pulled away just far enough to look into his eyes. "What are you talking about?"

"I told you that I wouldn't hit him," his soft voice was dripping with guilt.

"Are you kidding?" She began seriously. He was kidding, wasn't he? "Toby, I heard the things that he was saying. I think that he was lucky that you just hit him."

"So you aren't mad?" He asked in confusion.

"No, you idiot," she laughed. She stood on her tiptoes and pressed a gentle kiss to his lips. "I love you so much."

His hands wrapped around her and gathered her closer to him. "I love you too, sweetheart. I love you so much."

How did she ever think that she was going to be able to get by without him? How did she ever think that she would be okay without Toby? She pressed her face into her knees and closed her eyes. She tried to stop crying, but the tears only painfully squeezed out through the small slits.

It wasn't like Wren tried anything. It wasn't like he did anything wrong this time. It was just so fundamentally unfair that someone as despicable as Wren was alive and happy. And Toby, who was the best person she had ever met, was dead. He was dead, and the world was a worse place for it.

"Spencer." Hanna's fist wrapped lightly on the door. "Spencer let me in."

"No," she muttered softly through the tears. Hanna didn't need to see her like this. She was supposed to be the strong one, wasn't she? She was supposed to be there for her friends. She was supposed to be the one that they could depend on. This wasn't okay. This wasn't right.

"Spencer, please. Just let me be there for you. Please."

She sighed and reached up to unlock the door. She had known Hanna since birth. The girl wasn't going away without her.

Hanna immediately slid through the unlocked door and crouched beside Spencer, gathering her into her arms. Spencer leaned into the embrace and did her best to quiet her tears. As embarrassing as it was, Hanna helped. It helped knowing that her friends didn't think any less of her for this display of emotion.

"He's still a slime ball. I can't believe your sister's married to Downton Grabby."

Spencer couldn't help but smile at the familiar nickname. "Not all girls have guys that help them to forget about the accent," she murmured.

"Yeah, we're lucky in that department."

That was one of the things that she liked the most about Hanna. Avoiding mentioning Toby wasn't going to help. He was a part of her, and he was constantly on her mind. She would carry his memory in her heart for the rest of her life. She needed people to mention him; to talk about the amazing guy that he was. Because, although it hurt now, the sting was less painful every time. That was how she would move on, and apparently Hanna understood that well. "I'm sorry, Hanna."

"For what?" The blonde was genuinely confused.

"For this. I'm sorry for being so weak. I need to stop this. I need to stop breaking down in public. I wish I could be the old Spencer, but I think that she's gone. I think that she died with Toby." Saying his name still hurt, but she had to practice what she preached. It truly did hurt less and less each time.

"Spencer, look at me." Hanna paused until brown and blue met. "Spencer, you are so strong. You're brave, and you're just incredible. You miss your husband. And Toby was basically a rockstar husband, so it's totally understandable. He was an amazing guy. And honestly, Spence. You're handling this much better than I would be. If I ever lost Caleb I- I just don't even know."

Hanna had a way of speaking that just made you believe her. Was she telling the truth? Was this being strong? Either way, Hanna's unconditional acceptance helped lessen the embarrassment. She leaned into Hanna, content to wait out this break down in the arms of her best friend.