I don't have a lot to say other than the response to this story is blowing my mind! Keep it up you guys! Sorry these updates are coming slower than most of my stories, it's just that since more people are reading this one I'm more nervous to post the chapters haha! Lots of editing time!

OH! I do have something to say. One person, either through tumblr, review, or PM, made a VERY VERY VERY accurate prediction for the direction I'm taking this story. You're really smart, and when I finally reveal that particular story line I'll be sure to give you a shoutout.

Next Chapter: Broken glass, hysterical tears, and an early Spoby flashback!

Chapter 6

She was walking through a field of sunflowers. This had to be a dream, because there was no way that there was anything this beautiful in her life. She walked along, skimming her fingers along the rough edges of the stems. Even if this was a dream, maybe she could enjoy it while it lasted.

"Spencer?"

She froze, her hand trembling above a shorter flower. This was either a cruel joke that her mind was playing on her, or one of the greatest gifts she had ever gotten. She knew this was a dream. She knew this wasn't real. But to hear his voice, to hear him say her name again, sent a spasm of something through her entire body. Was it joy? Desire? Pain? She wasn't sure.

She turned around, sure that her face was twisted into quite the series of emotions. Pain. anguish. lust. excitement. She had no idea what she was feeling right now, but she did know that she would take advantage of the time she had with him. "Toby," she breathed.

His face was sad, as though he knew what happened. He took the three steps that it took for him to get to her and wrapped his arms tightly around her. A hysterical sob ripped through her throat. She never thought she would feel his strong arms around her again. She never thought that she'd be able to smell the sweet, musky scent of his skin. She never thought she'd be able to feel the bumps of his abs as he pulled her tightly against him. This might not be real, but it was her reality for the moment, and she would revel in it for as long as possible.

"Are you okay?" His voice was barely more than an insubstantial whisper. His soft, gentle lips were pressed against her neck. She could feel his hot tears pooling around her throat. No, this wasn't right. He shouldn't be crying.

"Not really," she admitted reluctantly. Lying to Toby was never an option for her. He didn't deserve to be lied too. As an afterthought she added, "Are you?"

"I hate that I had to leave you." His voice was soft, careful, and repentant. Like he was caressing her with just his words.

"I don't know how to live without you anymore, Toby." This was something she never would have said to him. As she watched him deteriorating in the hospital, as she watched the fight leave his body and the life leave his eyes, she never told him this. Not even when he asked her if she'd be okay. But now she couldn't keep it to herself. "I don't know how to go on. I wake up every morning and I wish that I was dead too."

"No Spence. Please don't say that. I love you. I love you so much." His fingers brushed through her hair as he clung to her. "You're going to have to go now, but please believe me when I say you're going to be fine. I promise you that you'll be fine. You can't see right now because you don't have all the information, but trust me. It will all be okay."

"Is this real?" She murmured, holding onto him with everything that she had. She didn't want to go. She wanted to stay in his arms forever. She didn't need heaven. This was all she needed to be happy.

He just smiled and cupped her cheek with his capable hands. "Just never forget how much I love you Spencer. Now and forever. I might be dead, but it'll never stop."

Beep beep beep.

Spencer woke up with a start, her legs tangled up her her sheets. Her head bounced back against the pillows. She couldn't tell if that was a good dream or not, but she still struggled to hold onto the memories. The feel of his hands caressing her face. The way her name rolled off of his tongue like she were the most precious thing in the entire world. The way that his arms wrapped around her, making her feel an unparalleled sense of safety. God, she missed him.

Just as she was considering heading to the shower her stomach twisted with something very different. She scrambled up off of the bed and sprinted off toward the bathroom, reaching the toilet in just enough time to empty her stomach. She held her hair back with one hand and clutched the bowl of the toilet with her other. She hated throwing up more than anything. It was disgusting. It was especially disgusting because this was the second morning in a row that she woke up needing to hug the toilet.

She didn't know if she had eaten something bad or what, but as she stood up to rinse her mouth out she still felt nauseous. What a great way to start her day.

A loud knock on her front door caught her immediate attention. Had it been her friends they would have knocked quietly. They were still worried that she might have a nervous breakdown. And, to be honest, it was still a definite possibility. This knock was more authoritative. It was more demanding of attention. She walked to the front door and peeled it open.

"Spencer Hastings?" The uniformed UPS man asked her.

She nodded silently and reached for the clipboard and pen that he handed to her. She scrawled out her name and exchanged it for a small package.

The man smiled at her and walked away. "Have a wonderful day!"

She would have responded. She always tried her hardest to be polite. But when she caught sight of the familiar messy handwriting on the address label her gratitude caught in her throat. How was he doing this?

She ripped into the plain brown paper and pulled out a small tape recorder. Oh God. His voice might send her over the edge, if that's even what this was. Her stomach clenched in anticipation as she pressed play.

"Hey baby."

She immediately began to cry at the sound of his weak, hushed voice. Sure, she had dreamed about him last night, but this was real. This was his voice. He recorded this for her.

"I don't even know what to say to you right now. You're actually asleep right next to me."

He paused and she heard a rustling noise. Maybe he was brushing a hand across her hair. Maybe he dropped a soft kiss to her forehead.

"Listen, baby. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I know that I don't have a lot of time left. I can feel myself growing weaker every single day. I know that I promised you that I would fight, and I will. I'll keep fighting. But it might be a losing battle."

Even at the end he was still thinking of her. He was still trying to keep his promises to her. Her heart ached with love for him.

"If you're listening to this that means that I didn't make it. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I love you so much, and please know that if I had any choice in it, any choice at all, that I wouldn't have left you. I would have stayed with you even if I had to live forever like this. A lifetime of pain with you is better than the pain that I know it will cause you once I'm gone."

Maybe for him. But not for her. Neither option was preferable, but at least now he was at peace. She would have done anything to have him with her, but she wasn't so selfish that she'd want him to be in pain.

"So I was thinking to myself-"

"Toby?"

She had to choke back a sob at the sound of her own voice. This had to have been close to the end. Because she knew as well as he did that his time was running down. She hadn't left his side for a minute. No matter how often he tried to coax her into going home or going somewhere else to eat she wouldn't hear of it. The only reason that she ate at all was because her friends and sympathetic nurses brought her food, and because she knew it would cause Toby endless anxiety if he thought that she wasn't taking care of herself. She wouldn't even go to the cafeteria, in terror that he would die suddenly while she was gone.

"Shhh. Everything's alright. Just go back to sleep."

"But who are you talking too?"

"Myself. Weren't you the one who told me that all great minds talk to themselves?"

"I did say that..."

Spencer listened as her voice trailed off sleepily. There was a minute or two of dead air as he waited for her to fall back asleep. He kept his sass even at the end. She loved him so much.

"Interrupting your own tape. That is so you, Spencer. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. Okay, so I was thinking to myself, what can I do to make this easier on her? Because you might think you're being sneaky, baby, but I can see how much this is all hurting you. I can see you flinch when they do the tests, and I can see the poorly concealed pain in your eyes when they suggest that I begin making end of life plans. I don't want to leave you, but if I have to I'm going to do everything that I can for you first."

That was so like him. He wouldn't let her go through this alone. He wouldn't let her suffer if there was something that he could do about it. She was in awe of how much he loved her even now.

"I can't tell you much, but I can tell you a few things. You should have already gotten a letter from me. And if there was any doubt that it was from me you go ahead and erase that now. It was me. I'm so sorry I wasn't there for our anniversary, sweetheart. I cannot imagine being one of those guys that forget their wedding anniversary. The day you married me was the best day of my life. That letter and this will not be the only things that you'll get. I can't tell you much, but you have to do what they say, okay?"

She snorted through her tears. He should know her better than that.

"I know you aren't going to want to, but hear me out. I'm dying. In your time I'm already dead. Don't dying people get one last wish? Well I invoke my dying wish prerogative. Spencer Hastings, you have to do everything I tell you to do.

That was low, but she couldn't help herself. She smiled softly. She taught him that trick.

"And my first wish is for you to call your parents."

The smile slid off of her face. Was he kidding? Her parents did everything that they could to break them up. They never hid their distaste for Toby, despite the fact that he was more polite than they deserved. They never made him feel welcome. The last thing she wanted to do was go talk to them.

"Hear me out, okay? I know they weren't the nicest to me, but that doesn't matter. They disliked me because they love you and want the best for you. Their efforts were misguided, but they were out of love. It's one of the things that I regret the most, not trying harder to convince you to bridge the gap between you and your parents. Maybe- maybe I can help with this now. Please Spencer. Do it for me.

Damn it, Toby. How was she supposed to say no to that?

"I think that's all for now."

Her heart ached. She didn't want it to be all. She wanted to just listen to his voice forever. Was that too much to ask?

"Don't be sad, baby. I'm not even there and I know that you're upset. But I swear to you that you'll be hearing from me soon, okay? Now put down the take recorder and go call your parents."

There was a long pause, so long that she temporarily thought he forgot to end the tape.

"Never forget how much I love you Spencer. You're my world. You saved me when I thought I was unsaveable. You loved me when I thought that I was unlovable. You're everything. I love you."

The static cut out and the tape clicked as it ended. Her body tensed as she suddenly felt the need to vomit again. She rolled off the bed and sprinted to the bathroom, barely making it in time. What was wrong with her? Why was she getting sick all of a sudden? Was it the grief? That was entirely possible, actually.

But it didn't matter. Not now. Not when she had a decision to make. She walked back into the living room and grabbed her cell phone, clutching it to her chest. Should she call them or not? Either way, she knew what Toby wanted her to do. She knew that even before she got the tape.

She watched helplessly as the nurses poked into his arms for his second blood transfusion this week. The wince of pain that always accompanied the needles hurt her heart. If she could take his pain from him she would do it in a heart beat. But all she could do was sit next to him and hold his hand. And if that's all that she could do she was going to do it well.

"Just press the call button if you need anything." The nurse gave the two of them a friendly smile before walking out of the room.

As soon as she was out of sight Toby turned to her, hints of exasperation coloring his exhausted eyes. "Go get something to eat, Spencer."

"No." She didn't know why he kept asking her that. She wasn't going anywhere. Not without him. The doctor's had suggested that they put him on hospice a week ago, and she complied readily. It didn't take a medical degree to see that Toby was deteriorating rapidly. That way she could at least take him home. But they still had to come to the hospital multiple times a week for his life-saving blood transfusions.

"Spencer, please." His voice was bordering on pleading, but she didn't care. What if, God forbid, he died while she was off grabbing a burger? What if something went wrong? No, she wasn't moving.

She didn't bothering answering. Instead she got up and walked across the room, getting him a bottle of water. He needed to stay hydrated. When she brought it back to him he gave her an unimpressed look. "Will you go grab me a burger from the cafeteria?"

If she had just been an innocent bystander that clever ploy might have worked on her. But she hadn't seen him keep down anything more substantial than a cup of soup in weeks. "Nice try." She smirked and returned to her seat.

"Spencer!" His voice was urgent, and it caused her to look up at him in alarm.

"What's wrong? Are you alright? Do I need to get a nurse?" She ran an anxious hand through his hair.

"I'm physically fine. But I can't stand to see you sitting around like this. You have to take care of yourself. I love you. I love you so much for taking care of me. You're the best wife imaginable. But you have to take some time for yourself. Maybe go visit your parents?"

She rose her eyebrows at that suggestion. Was he kidding?

He took in her facial expression and continued urgently. "You should go talk to them while I'm not around. Maybe it will go well."

She sighed and shook her head. She knew what he was doing. She walked in on him the other day when he was writing out a will. He thought that he was going to die, and he didn't want to leave her alone. Well, tough shit Cavanaugh. She would rather be alone than with people like her parents, who only loved her when she was doing exactly what they wanted her to do. "I'll go eat something if you stop this crazy talk," she reluctantly supplied as a compromise.

If she would have known it would have induced that wide of a grin on his face she would have agreed hours ago. He nodded and pulled her down into his reach and pressed a soft kiss to her lips. "Take your time, okay? I'll have a nurse call you if even the smallest thing goes wrong."

She nodded. "Did you really want something?"

"Maybe grab me some kind of ice cream?" He posed it as a question, which told her that he was still feeling ill.

She smiled at him and dropped another kiss to his lips. "I love you. I'll be back soon."

"I love you too." He gave her an adorable grin and reached for the remote.

She shot him one last smile and ducked into the hallway. Once she was out of sight of the door at every angle she slid to the ground. She still had a good view of his door, but there's no way that he would be able to see her. She wiped away the single tear that escaped. She was so worried about him. He couldn't die. He just couldn't.

She pulled out her cell phone and tapped out a quick text to Emily, requesting ice cream. That was she wouldn't have to move. She leaned against the cool dry wall of the hospital hallway and kept her eyes on Toby's door in a silent vigil.

Sometimes she found it hard to believe that that was only a month ago. She was a completely different person than that vigilant girl who never left her dying husband's bedside. Now she was the mourning widow that couldn't shake off her loss.

At the time she thought she knew what loosing Toby would look like. She thought she understood. But she was wrong. It was worse than she ever imagined. She wished that she could go back and talk to herself. Just a month was all she needed. She would tell past her to never leave Toby's side. She would tell her to not sleep, not eat, not do anything that would cause her to leave his room. Because she could do all of those things once he was dead. That was the only time she had left with him, and she would have wanted it all. She would have taken it all had she known what was coming.

She sighed and closed her eyes, picturing Toby's face. Not his sick face, but his face when she first met him. That was the only thing that would give her the strength to do this. She dialed the numbers that she knew by heart and prayed that no one would answer.

"Hello?"

If it wasn't so rude she would have groaned. Great. "Hi mom."

"Spencer, honey. I've been meaning to call. How are you?"

Horrible. Awful. The worst. "I'm doing alright," she murmured, knowing that's what her mother wanted to hear.

"That's so wonderful, sweetie. What can I do for you?"

The words almost stuck in her throat, but she forced them out. This was for Toby. "I was wondering if you wanted to have dinner together tomorrow?"

"Certainly! That sounds fantastic. I'll have Hilda cook up your favorites, alright? How does 6 pm sound?"

"That's fine," she said softly. As though she had any plans other than to lounge around in her dead husband's t-shirt. "I'll see you then."

She hastily hung up, wanting to end the call before she started to cry again. It was like the tears were unending. Just when she thought she was done the threatened to spill over again. She knew that Toby would want her to be happy again, but she didn't know how.

Either way, nothing was going to happen today. She walked back into her bedroom and pulled the tape back to herself. At least she wouldn't forget what his voice sounded like now. She smiled ruefully and hit play for the second of what promised to be many times.