Dick stood in line with the other patients, apparently it was the monthly hair cut day, everyone was to get a mandatory buzz cut for easier management and to avoid the possibility of lice. A dribble of sweat ran down the side of Dick's face, his head was pounding and his stomach felt like it was tied up in knots, it was going to be a long day.
Dick limped forward as the line shifted, two days ago Dick had another "bath" with his best buds Clive and Owen. The two guards never got bored of their bi-weekly meetings, but recently they have improved at inflicting pain, which left less evidence, this didn't help Dick in convincing Dr. Grove that the attacks were real.
"How's the ear Richard?" The sudden voice from behind Dick made him jump; he quickly turned around to face the threat.
"Whoa, calm down Richard it's just me." Steve raised his hands toward Dick to show that he wasn't a threat. Once Dick recognized his friend he lowered his defenses, he was glad to see a friendly face in this hellhole.
"Sorry Steve, I've been a bit … edge lately."
"No apology required, how you holding up since Eugene?"
Dick stiffened a bit at he mention of the man's name, the man who ate a section of his ear. The thought made Dicks stomach do a flip.
"Not great," murmured Dick not wanting to continue this subject of conversation.
"I'll say, your sweating buckets and it looks like your whole body is vibrating," Dick looked down at his legs and they were indeed shaking, huh, that's new.
Steven looked directly into Dick's eyes. "What have they done to you now?"
Dick stiffed in his jacket, as much as he didn't want to talk about his struggles, he was starving for some humane interaction. "It's more like what they haven't done, they stopped forcing drugs into me a few days ago. I think my body is going through withdrawal."
"Ah, that's a fun little trick they like to play. They did the same thing to me when I refused to take my meds after awhile." Steve broke his gaze away from Dick and started to inspect his filthy nails.
"But you take your pills willingly."
"Exactly," Steve looked back up to Dick, his eye's where filled with shame. "Listen Richard I know it sucks to give into them, but just take the fucking drugs, the feeling of shit and the hammering in your head will go away and be replaced with numb." Steven took his attention back to his nails. "Those little pills are the only things that will help you tolerate this hellhole, well aside from me of course."
"Yea,… I'll consider it, " it really was tempting. "Hey have you heard or seen Chip lately?"
"No." Steve's first clenched. "He is long gone by now."
"Shit Steve,…I'm so sorry"
"Yea me too." A single tear ran down the side of Steve's face.
Dick didn't know what Steve said next was meant to be a joke but it still sent chills down Dick's spine.
"Another one bites the dust."
Dick sat alone in Dr. Grove's office staring into the abyss, he felt naked and violated. They had taken his hair, all of it; it was as if they stripped him of his identity. He has always loved his gypsy out of control hair, but they took that away from him too, along with his freedom and dignity. Dick was missing the numb sensation that came with the drugs; he didn't know how much longer he could go without. His body felt as if it was eating itself from the inside out and his headache only grew worse. Dick tired to zone out in attempt to tune out the world around him.
I went insane. I created a family in my head, Br—Shut up Richard, Shut up! Dick sighed and bowed his head, apparently zoning out isn't an option.
Moments later Dr. Grove entered his office; the pair exchanged a few words. Dick wasn't really in the mood for talking. After the short session Dr. Grove lead Dick to the small room to be shocked.
The Doctor once again attempted to get Dick to say those awful words, once again Dick refused and once again the electricity pulsed through Dick's body.
The oatmeal Dick was give was runny like always, he only managed to take a few bites before his stomach decided to bite back. Dick loved dinnertime because they allowed him to take off his straight jacket for a few minutes while he ate. Although today Dick couldn't bring himself to relish in his temporary freedom, all he wanted was to be locked away in his room and lay his throbbing head down while trying to tune out the tape.
I take it back, I don't want to be in here! Dick paced around the room.
"My name is Richard Grayson I killed 9 men, and I went insane. I created a family in my head, Bruce Wayne isn't my adoptive father, Jason isn't real, Timothy isn't real, Damian isn't real, none of it is real. My name is Richard Grayson I killed 9 men, and I went insane. I created a family in my head, Bruce Wayne isn't my adoptive father, Jason isn't real, Timothy isn't real, Damian isn't real – "
I'm in hell. Dick stopped in front of the wall and looked it up and down. There was only one way to escape he could think of when he didn't have drugs, and he was desperate for an escape. Without hesitation Dick started to bang his head against the white-cemented wall. Blood started to collect on the wall and drip toward the floor, but he didn't stop, he only stopped when he fell to the floor into unconsciousness, peace.
Dick grabbed the handful of pills that Dr. Grove presented to him and swallowed them dry.
Dr. Grove had a sinister smile across his face.
"Tell me about Robin"
"Which one?" Dick gave a small chuckle.
"You, You as Robin and your fantasy childhood"
"What is there to tell I was Bruce Wayne's ward by day and Robin, the boy wonder by night."
"How many years were you Bruce Wayne's ward?"
"About 6 years, I was 15 when he officially adopted me," Dick shrugged.
"Interesting. What of your brothers how long were they wards of Mr. Wayne?"
"Jason and I were adopted at the same time due to legal issues that arose, Jason was only Bruce's ward of the first year he lived with us. Tim was adopted a few months after we took him in and well Damian was already legally Bruce's." Dick said slumping in his chair.
"Why do you think Mr. Wayne was so hesitant to adopt you?"
"What?" Dick stood up straighter in his chair the statement grabbed his attention.
"From the time line you gave me, its clear to see the he had doubts to officially take you as his son."
"That … he just didn't want me to feel forced into it," even Dick knew it sounded like a pitiful excuse, Dr. Grove succeed to plant the seed of doubt in Dick.
"Did he even talk to you about it before the legal case arose?" Rising an eyebrow at the young man.
"No… not really."
"Were you ever jealous of your brothers quick adoptions?"
"Maybe a little but I still loved them no matter what."
"Even when each of them replaced you as Robin?"
"Yes, even then," Dick glared daggers at the Doctor.
"I feel as if you are not being honest with me Richard"
"Oh really?"
"Yes, in our first session I brought up the subject of you being replaceable and undervalued. As I recall you "snapped" at me." Dr. Grove crossed his arms and leaned back into his chair, waiting for a response.
"It bothered me at first but I got over it, no big deal."
"What bothered your Richard?"
Dick looked at his bare feet for a few moments not wanting to speak but with the sudden silence he started to quote in his head Wayne isn't my adoptive father, Jason isn't real, Timothy isn't- no, anything but that. It encourage Dick to speak up,
"….It was MY name, the nickname my mother gave to me…. And they took it from me… I don't have much left of my parents and now I don't even have that to myself anymore."
"What about Batman's choice to replace Robin?"
"Batman I could care less about, I cared more about Bruce's reasons."
"Elaborate please," Grove wrote down some notes on his paper.
"He replaced me as Robin, but it felt as if he was replacing me….. as his son. He found a new version." Dick swallowed a lump stuck in his throat. "On top of it all it felt as if he did it just to punish me and that was probably why he put Jason into the field too early, leading to his death, … it's all my fault."
"Why is it your fault?"
"If I wasn't a stubborn hot headed teen, then I would have never quit being Robin, never putting Jason in danger in the first place. I should have just kept my head down and listened."
"That is probably true," Dick face reddens in shame. "I think Bruce symbolized reason in your world, you should have listened to him, like Timothy."
"Timmy?"
"He is perfect in your mind, so much better in so many areas where you lacked."
"Pretty much," shrugged Dick.
"Did you tell him of your disapproval of him becoming Robin not even a full year after Jason's death?"
"I only told him about my concern for him, Batman need him."
"So you were unable to help Bruce Wayne in his time of need? You failed to be there for the man that raised you."
"Yes."
Dr. Grove took shock in Dick admitting his failure towards Bruce so easily. "If Timothy was so perfect then why pick Damian to be your Robin?"
"Damian needed guidance and a loving family. Tim was already independent and dependable."
"Did Timothy feel betrayed by your choice?"
"I would image, he was rejected by his older brother. To this day I still feel ashamed about it," Again Dick gazed retracted to his feet Damn, I really need to cut my nails.
"But you managed to be there for Damian."
"True, but he was hurt once Bruce returned and I left him. I tried to explain why I was leaving, to benefit his and Bruce's relationship, but he only saw it as me abandoning him."
Dick looked into the open space in front of him, realizing all his faults and mistakes, "I am a horrible person…."
Nurse Darrow attached the last wire to the machine, and turned it on to power up. The buzz of electricity filled the room, setting Dick on edge.
Dr. Grove pimped up from his corner. "Now Dick repeat after me, My name is Richard Grayson I killed 9 men, and I went insane. I created a family in my head, Bruce Wayne isn't my adoptive father, Jason isn't real, Timothy isn't real, Damian isn't real, none of it is real."
The room filled with silence as Dick wetted his dry lips. Dr. Grove made a turn towards the switch, his hands were inches away from it, but a voice made him pause.
"M..m…mm..my… …. iis… Rrr…rich..ard… Gray..ss…son….."
The Doctor turned around in aw towards Dick, the words came from his trembling patient laying on the table.
"Go on…"
The room waiting in silence waiting for Dick to finish his statement, but it never came. Dr. Grove sighed so close, and flipped the switch.
Hey, just a heads up the next time I post I plan to post 3 chapters at the same time, since some major events happen and I don't want to leaving you hanging.
Enjoy!