This chapter... it's very different, and it should read as different. Spencer's in shock with a huge wave of despair threatening to crash over her. She can't focus on much other than the memories. Just keep that in mind as you read this.
Um, also... the last memory. Sorry in advanced. I cried when I wrote it, and now I'm crying as I just finished reading it again. But come on, you knew it was coming.
The next chapter will either be up on Saturday or when I get 8 reviews. Whatever comes first.
Chapter 9
If she closed her eyes she could almost imagine that he was there with her. She could imagine that she had sent him off for the pregnancy test. She could just picture the mix between joy and terror that would be obvious on his face. He would have been so thrilled at the possibility of having a child.
They never expressly talked about their plans for children, but their other conversations alluded to the fact that he wanted children one day.
His arms tightened around her as he felt a shiver work its way through her body. "Are you too cold? We can leave if you want."
"Absolutely not," she laughed, nuzzling into the side of his body. "This is perfect."
In the most adorable act in the entire world Toby surprised her at UPenn, which was enough to make her entire week in and of itself. But of course he didn't stop there. He never stopped there. He always went straight past adorable and moved his way into the grand romantic gesture. He had piled every pillow and blanket he owned into the back of his truck, and then he commandeered all of her own. They got into the car and drove off to a place overlooking the city and made a nest in the back of his truck. It was perfect.
She felt as his lips pressed into the top of her head. "You're so beautiful."
"Are you kidding?" She snorted, "Need I remind you that you kidnapped me from the gym? I probably smell sweaty and disgusting."
"No," he disagreed. "You look beautiful."
He was such a cheese ball. But he accomplished his goal, because she never felt more beautiful than when she was wrapped up in Toby's arms. He never let her feel insecure. He never let her feel less than beautiful. He would simply remind her of what she meant to him in a way that was undeniable. "Yeah, well you don't look so bad yourself."
"So," he began, nerves seeping into his voice. Oh... he was plotting. He cleared his throat before continuing. "So, I didn't necessarily bring you up here just to cuddle, as nice as it is."
She waited patiently for him to continue, her curiosity piqued. He sat up, pulling her with him. His hands gently clasped hers as he looked into her eyes. "I- I've tossed around how to say this for weeks, but I thought the best way was to probably just come out with it."
"Are you breaking up with me?" She sat up in alarm. "Toby, what the-"
He cut her panicked words off with a soft kiss. "Are you kidding?" He murmured and kissed her again. "As if that would ever be a possibility."
"Then what?" She asked him with less panic but equal confusion.
His hands found the sides of her face. He stroked her cheeks gently, always so gently. He treated her as though she were the most fragile thing on earth. Like if he was too rough he might lose her forever. "Spencer, I'm trying to ask you to marry me," he whispered after a long moment.
Her heart jumped, but she didn't take her eyes away from his. Was he kidding? She just stared into his eyes, speechless. Toby smiled and brushed his thumb over her lips. "I love you Spencer. I love everything about you. I love the way your nose wrinkles up when you're thinking really hard about something. I love the way your eyes light up when you learn a new fact. I love the way your hair curls up around your shoulders. There's nothing about you that I don't like."
"Toby," she began, but he cut her off with a swift shake of his head. He was so nervous. Did he actually imagine that she would say no?
"Let me finish, baby. I want to be there for you through everything. I want to be there as you have a mental breakdown through your finals in graduate school. I want to be there to hold you when your heart is broken. I want to be there to rub your feet when you're pregnant with our children. Spencer I just want to be there for you through everything. I love you so much. I love you. I love you. You're my world." He bent down and sprinkled a series of soft kisses over her face. "You're everything to me. I don't want to live without you. I don't want to succeed without you. I don't want to do anything without you. I want to be with you, there by my side, for the rest of my life. I love you. Please. Please, will you marry me?"
"God, Toby, of course I'll marry you." She couldn't stand it anymore. This wasn't enough contact. She wanted her skin against his. She wanted to brush her lips over his neck. She watched their fingers to lace together like they were made for that very purpose. She threw herself forward and wrapped her arms around his neck in a tight embrace. "I love you too," she whispered into his neck. "I love you."
She could feel his tears of joy soaking into the top of her head. "Thank you. Thank you." He whispered over and over again.
And in that moment, in that second, she swore that there was no one happier than her. There was no more that was loved more than her. There was no one who was cared for more than her. In that moment their love was infinite.
They hadn't expressly discussed it in that moment, but that was when she knew that he wanted kids. Although, knowing Toby like she had, it should have been apparent from the start.
To an outside observer it might have been less obvious. Toby had a tragic past. He didn't have anyone who loved him in an unconditional parent manner. But she always knew he would love the opportunity to share the love that he had in his heart with a child; that he would love the opportunity to give what he missed out on to his own child. So despite the circumstances, despite however this turned out, she knew what Toby would tell her.
She didn't know how Hanna pulled it off, but before she scarcely realized it Emily arrived at her front doorstep with a small brown bag from the nearby pharmacy. Her friends always knew exactly what she needed.
The pregnancy test was heavy in her hands. She knew that one day she would be using one of these. She knew that she and Toby would start a family one day. But under these circumstances? How was she supposed to be okay with this? Even with the possibility of this? How was she supposed to raise a child without Toby?
"Don't freak out yet, Spencer. See what it says, and then we'll figure it out from there." Hanna was being uncharacteristically supportive. Usually she'd be panicking along with her.
Spencer glanced at the test for another moment before hauling herself up off the bed and stumbling to her bathroom. Her legs were asleep to the point that every step sent a shot of pain reverberating up through her hips. She had been sitting for too long, but that was alright. What else did she have to do?
After peeing on the stick she sat it on the counter and stumbled back up to her bed, crawling past her friends, and curling into a tight ball in the corner of the bed. Since Toby's death each day had been an exercise in emotional stability. It was a struggle not to burst into tears. It was a struggle not to raise her fist and scream at the higher power that had decided to take Toby from her. It was a struggle not to collapse in the middle of the street and just decide that it was too hard to go on. But now? Now she just was done. She was done. She couldn't feel anything. She didn't want to feel anything. This was too much.
She barely acknowledged it as Emily and Hanna both wrapped their arms around her. They laid there together in a heap. Their voices murmured soothing words, but Spencer couldn't hear them. She couldn't hear anything.
The first thing she acknowledged was the annoying beep of Hanna's phone alarm, signifying that the test had been sitting for as long as it had to.
"Spence?" Emily gently tried to get her attention, but Spencer didn't move. Emily's hands wrapped around her shoulders and hauled her up to a sitting position. "Hanna went to go get your pregnancy test, alright? But no matter what it says we'll be there for you. We'll be there for you every step of the way."
She still didn't acknowledge her. She wasn't even sure that she remembered to talk. The bed dipped down as Hanna rejoined them on the bed. "Spence, I haven't looked at it, and I really think that you should be the one to do it."
She was in agreement, but she was pretty sure that she forgot how to work her hands. Either that or they just wouldn't cooperate. It was like it was just too much. Her entire body simply shut down. She was surprised that she was even breathing, although if that were to stop she wouldn't be complaining.
"Okay Spence. I'll look, alright?" Hanna grabbed her hand with her free hand and squeezed it carefully. Spencer watched out of the corner of her eye as Hanna flipped the white stick over. And with her sharp intake of breath she knew. She just knew.
And she knew exactly when this had happened. Because when else could it have been?
She woke up to the smell of sizzling bacon and freshly brewed coffee. In most houses that wouldn't have been cause for alarm. Hell, in her own house it wouldn't have been cause for alarm. But right now she was definitely alarmed. Because there was no one in this house that should be cooking aside from herself.
She pulled on one of Toby's old work shirts and trailed through the hallways and into the kitchen. "Toby?"
What she was expecting to see was a sick Toby, struggling to hold himself upright. But what she saw was a Toby that looked like the person that she married. The one before the sickness. Before the cancer ravaged his healthy body. He was still pale and much too thin, but he didn't look like he was going to vomit. He didn't look like he was going to pass out. He almost looked... well.
She knew what this was. The doctors warned them both about this. They warned them that there would likely be days where he almost felt normal again; but that they wouldn't last. They'd never last. Regardless, she sure as hell was going to take advantage of this.
Toby apparently had the same idea, but with less patience. Before she even finished processing he strode forward, wrapped both of his arms around her waist, and spun her in a circle. She giggled and wrapped her arms around his neck for support, even though she knew she didn't have to. Toby would never let her fall.
His arms tightened around her waist and helped her back down onto the ground. "I love you," he murmured with his lips against her neck. "I love you."
She couldn't stop the tears as the welled up in her eyes. This would pass. It would be gone in a fleeting moment like every good thing in her life. But for right now, for this second, she could forget that Toby was sick. She could forget the constant fear that she was going to lose him. She could forget all of that and just love him the way that he deserved to be loved. Because a moment without her lips connected to his was a moment wasted. A moment where he didn't feel like he was the most loved and cherished person in her entire world was a moment wasted. "I love you too," she whispered. Her love for him overwhelming her.
"So, I cooked breakfast..." he trailed off, sounding as though moving apart to eat was the last thing that he wanted to do. She didn't necessarily again.
"I've got a better idea," she murmured, taking him by the hand and leading him back toward the bedroom.
"Spencer?"
She blinked a few times and swiveled her eyes upward to take in Emily's worried face. "Spence, are you okay?"
She just stared at her friend, unsure of how to respond. Not even knowing if she could respond if she wanted too. How was she supposed to go on from here? How do you go on when the worst thing happens? When the worst thing just continues to get worse. How do you move on from that?
"I'll be right back," she heard Emily murmur to Hanna. She wished that she cared enough to ask where she was going, and maybe for a glass of water.
How was she supposed to survive this? How was she supposed to move on from here? How was this ever supposed to be okay again? Was she strong enough for this? Was she strong enough to see his eyes in their child? Was she strong enough to have a child that looked like him? That talked like him? Could she handle the constant reminder?
But honestly, could it get worse? Because watching the life leave the person that you love more than anything in the world... it just couldn't get worse than that.
"I can call an ambulance, Spencer. But... but this is it. I don't think that they'll get here in time."
She acknowledged the words of their hospice nurse with a stiff nod, but she didn't take her eyes off of Toby. They had overcome worse than this. He had fought back from the brink of death before. He could do this. But just in case she was right there was no way in the world that she was going to take her eyes off of him. "Call an ambulance," she breathed out, even the quietest words ripped through her raw throat in a flash of pain.
She heard the woman leave, but once again she didn't acknowledge her. Instead she adjusted her position on the bed. She moved Toby's pillows out of the way and settled his head into her lap. "Toby, you have to fight this," she whispered brokenly into his ear. "Fight it, baby. Please fight. Don't leave me here alone."
He didn't respond. He didn't even move. She pushed his sweaty hair off of his forehead and dropped a kiss onto the clammy skin. "Please Toby. Don't leave me."
Ragged, heavy breaths left his mouth. His labored, heavy breathing was breaking her heart. Why did he have to suffer so much? "Toby, please wake up." She pushed on his shoulders, hoping to revive him. But she knew it was useless.
The warned her about this. They warned her that his fight was coming to a close. The loss of bladder control, the confusion, the dizziness, the pain... they were all signs that the end was near. But she denied it. In his lucid moments Toby denied it.
The doctors had been wrong before. They had said that he wouldn't make it through the night many times. But here he was, still fighting. With a pang in the chest she realized that it was for her that he was fighting so hard. He didn't want to leave her anymore that she wanted him to leave, but he expressed many times how tired he was of living this life. She didn't want to let him go though.
"Toby," she breathed. She kissed the tender spot below his ear before speaking just loudly enough for him to hear, if that was possible. She gently ran her fingers through his damp hair as she spoke. "Toby, I don't want you to go. I don't know how I'll survive losing you. I- I can't lose you. But you need to be a little selfish, okay? Don't worry about me. There are people here who will take care of me. And maybe I'll be okay again, eventually. But you can't hang on just for me, baby. If the pain is to much, if you can't take it anymore... you have to do what's best for you. If you're ready to let go, if you're ready to move on, then you do it. Don't worry about me, okay? Don't worry about me."
She would be surprised if he understood her, if anyone understood her, through her sobs. She didn't want to do this. She didn't want to tell him that she would be okay, because she didn't know if it was true. But she knew as well as she knew anything that Toby Cavanaugh wouldn't leave her until he heard this from her. "I love you. God, baby, I love you so much."
Because she was holding him so close she felt the change in his breathing as it slowed, and she knew. She just knew that this was it. She knew that this was the last time she would be able to hold him in her arms. She knew that this was the last time that she would be able to feel the soft beating of his heart below her fingers. She knew that this was the last time she'd be able to speak to him, so she had to make it good.
"And don't you dare leave this world feeling any guilt. Because you were the best part of my life. No matter how long again, no matter who I meet, that will never change. It will never be different. You came into my life right when I needed you. You were the first person to love me unconditionally for who I was and not for who you wanted me to be. You were the only person that I could trust with anything and everything . You always held me like I was the most valuable thing on the planet. You- God, Toby I love you. I love you."
She bent at the waist and pressed her lips to his forehead again. She ignored the sweat and just reveled in the fact that she could do this. Right now. Right here, he was alive. This might be the last time, but thank God for the gift of goodbyes. "I love you," she sobbed again.
She used all of her strength to haul him up higher in her arms, content to hold him and sing to him until he left this world. She wasn't much of a singer, but she knew that if she were dying that's how she would want to go. Maybe Toby would like it too. The only song of significance that she could think of was their wedding song. "Sorry if this hurts more than it helps," she chuckled.
"In your eyes I see forever, makes me wish that my life never knew the day before you," she sang quietly, the words greatly distorted by her sobs. "But heaven knows those years without you were shaping my heart for the day that I found you. And if you're the reason for all I've been through, then I'm thankful for the day before you."
"No matter what happens right now, Toby," she whispered, "No matter whether you live hours or years, I will never regret standing up for you that day in the hallway. I will never forget it. I love you."
She could hear the sirens coming, but she knew it was too late. She could tell by the sickly blue the was spreading across his face and the slow, rattling of his breathing. He didn't have much time left. She hunched over his body. Their faces were both soaked with her tears. "I love you. I love you. I love you." She didn't know how much time he had left, but regardless, that's the last thing that she wanted him to hear. "I love you. I love you. I love you. I'll love you forever."
The rattling got more intense for a moment until he was suddenly still. He was gone. He was gone.
She pressed her body against his as though she might be able to incite some of her life into his body. If she could do it she would. If she could half her life she would do it as long as she got to spend her remaining years with Toby. She would give him her blood, her lungs, her heart. Whatever he needed it was his as long as she didn't have to be without him. But it wasn't possible, because he was gone. He was gone, and he never was coming back.
It took three paramedics to pry her off of his body and one to hold her back as they loaded him up. "Toby," she sobbed. "Oh Toby. Toby." The tears ran down her cheeks as she watched them take his body away. Toby.
So, no matter what happened, she could rest assured that whatever happened it couldn't be as bad as slowly watching the life leave her husband's body. This would be hard. It would probably be one of the hardest things she ever did. She wasn't handling this well, but she was still alive. She was still fighting, and if she could do this she could do anything, right?
"-not responding."
Emily officially piqued her interest, but she didn't move. She didn't care quite that much. Instead her eyes rested on Hanna, who was intently watching something that was out of her line of vision, probably Emily.
"But Dr. Sullivan, I don't think-"
As soon as she heard the name of her shrink she tuned everyone out again. The woman was sweet, but she was altogether unhelpful. She had no interest in the advice that she had to give.
Hanna's eyes left Emily and moved to examine Spencer's face. She reached out and touched her cheek, brushing away tears that she hadn't realized that she shed. She just looked at her for a moment before getting up and walking out of the bedroom.
While Hanna was gone Spencer listened to the background noise of Emily's quiet murmurs and studied the ceiling. She knew that she should get up. She knew that she needed to make a doctor's appointment or something, but she just couldn't. She couldn't bring herself to care about life or anything else. She just didn't care.
Hanna came back inshortly and hesitantly pressed a bottle of water into Spencer's hands. "And um- Spencer I- um I found this on the front mat. It looks like someone slid it under the door."
Spencer's eyes met Hanna's as she pressed a envelope into her other hand. Written across it in Toby's familiar scrawl was 'When She Needs A Reason to Go On...'
A little explanation... I usually hate, hate, HATE Spoby pregnancy stories. Like with a passion. But it works in this case, I promise. Stick with me and keep being wonderful.