I'M SO SORRY THIS IS LATE! First my internet was out for a day because of the storms, and then word decided to delete half of this document. The word didn't want you to read this, but I persevered!

Now I'm ready for bed, so I'll keep this short. But yeah, 8 reviews and you get an update on Friday. Less than that and you'll get it on Monday! Up to you darlings.

Review and let me know what you think, as always!

Next chapter has the doctor's appointment and some visits!

Chapter 10

She ran her fingers over the indent of the words, much like she did the first time that she gotten one of these letters. She wanted to be angry. She really did. You know what would make it easier to go on, Toby? Having you here.

But once again, ever since she saw that little blue line, ever since she realized that she was pregnant, she felt nothing. She brought her lips to the envelope, kissing it softly. She was grateful that he wrote it. She knew how little energy he had in his last days. She knew how difficult writing one, let alone several, letters must have been for him. Yet he did it. For her. He was literally the perfect husband.

But she didn't want comfort right now; not even comfort from Toby. She pushed the letter aside and pulled a pillow over her head, wanting to shut out the world. Maybe when she came up for air things would be more coherent. Maybe she would know what to do.

And regardless, she couldn't help but blame herself for this. How could she not? Both she and Toby agreed that he should come home toward the end of his life, but had she persisted she could have convinced him to stay in the hospital. She was absolutely certain of it. Maybe if he had stayed in the hospital the doctors would have been able to revive him. Maybe he would have been able to survive long enough to see the birth of his son or daughter. Because he deserved that much. He deserved everything.

This was all her fault.

She knew with absolute certainty that Toby would have been thrilled. He would have loved this whole process. He would have wanted to pick out the baby clothes. He would have meticulously slaved over names. He would have held her hand at ultrasound appointments. He would have been the goofball that talked to her stomach. He would have done it all.

She didn't know how she felt about this. She just didn't know. Would seeing a baby with Toby's beautiful blue eyes be a source of comfort? Or would it just be a constant reminder of what she lost and could never get back? Would she grow to resent her own child?

God, knows that he would have been a better parent than her. The child certainly deserved better than her. It might have been half her, but it was also half Toby. They deserved to be loved unconditionally. They deserved someone who would slave over a handmade Halloween costume, never miss a performance, and hang their perfect crayon drawing on the refrigerator. Any child of Toby's deserved the world.

"Spencer."

She should have realized that Emily wouldn't let her do that. She felt cool hands wrap around her wrists and pull the pillow out her grasp. Emily's concerned brown eyes appeared in her field of vision. "Spencer, you have to read it."

"Okay," she murmured. She felt every syllable, every piece of the word push its way out of her raw throat. Life wasn't supposed to be so hard. It wasn't supposed to be so painful. It didn't take much convincing. She really did want to know what Toby had to say, it's just that she didn't think it would be all that helpful. She couldn't deny it anymore. She was broken, probably irreparably so.

Emily slid the paper out of the envelope and passed it to her as Hanna lifted her head and put it in her lap. The position was supposed to be comforting, but it mostly just brought back the worst kind of memories.

"Toby, are you alright?"

She sat up in alarm at the sound of his hacking cough and began to rub a gentle hand up and down the pronounced bumps in her spine. She didn't know what else to do. There was nothing to make you feel helpless quite like trying to take care of your sick husband.

His coughing slowly died down, and he leaned back into her arms. Usually he wouldn't have burdened her with any of his weight, so he must have truly felt terrible. She leaned against the headboard so she could hold him without wavering and gently pressed her lips to the crown of his head. "I love you," she murmured softly, carefully running her fingers up and down his biceps. "Is there anything I can do?" She asked him, doing her best to keep the desperation out of her voice. That would only make him worry about her, and that's the last thing that she wanted right now. "Maybe some water or something?"

She felt his head shake in refusal. "Just don't let me go," he whispered. Even his words sounded painful, further shattering her broken heart. Wasn't there a bad person that this could be happening to?

"Never," she murmured. "I'm just going to help you lay down, okay? I think that you'll be more comfortable."

Without waiting for him to respond she wrapped her arms around the chest and stabilized him the best she could as the both slid down onto their sides. Once she was sure that he was secure she stood up briefly and walked to the other side of the bed, wanting to be able to see his face.

As soon as she was back on the bed Toby wrapped his arms around her and pulled her against his chest. "Thank you," he murmured. His words were so muddled that it took her a moment to understand, but once she did she pulled away slightly so that she could look into his eyes.

Her hands framed his face, and she was as gentle but firm as she could possibly be. "You don't have to thank me, Toby."

"I do," his eyes were as sad as his words were earnest. "I want you to promise me something."

"Whatever you want," she replied without hesitation.

She should have known from the start that this wasn't going to be something that she liked. He lifted up a shaky hand and pushed her hair back behind her hair. "W-when I- when I die-"

"Toby-" she interrupted, not wanting to hear this.

But instead of quieting down like he usually did his voice only got more persistent. "No, Spencer. Please. I know you don't want to talk about it, but we both know it's coming. I'll fight like hell, I promise. But I just- if I die- I need you to promise me that you'll find a way to move on."

"Are you kidding?" He had to be kidding. He had to. There was literally no way she would ever be able to move on from something like that. Ever.

"Spencer." Her name rolled off its tongue, and she was once again struck with the way her said it. How had she gone the first 16 years of her life without hearing her name spoken like that? It was like he managed to convey every piece of what he felt for her through those two simple syllables. "Spencer, listen to me."

She blinked a few times, but didn't take her eyes off of his. She would tell him what he needed to hear, but she knew in her heart that there was no moving on from Toby.

"I-" he began, but a rough cough immediately stole his words.

"Toby," she murmured, just rubbing his back, doing whatever she could do to comfort him. "You're alright. You'll be fine. Just breath, baby. Just breath, it'll pass."

He nodded softly, like he was trying to talk himself out of it. Spencer scattered kisses across his face. "Are you sure you don't want me to get you some water?"

"N-no. Sweetheart, p-please just listen to me," he stuttered out.

"I am, baby. I am. Say what you have to say." She framed his face with trembling hands, hopefully passing some comfort onto him.

He nodded. "I love you. I l-love you so much that the thought of leaving you k-kills me. It kills me." Tears began to prick at the corners of his eyes. "I c-can't leave you without k-knowing you'll be okay. Y-you have to try, Spencer."

"I-" she began, having to work to keep the tears out of her voice. She was never going to move on from Toby. Never. But she would try her hardest to convince him that it was a possibility. If that's what he needed she would do it. She would do anything for him. "I- God, Toby, I'll try but..."

He nodded again, knowing that it was as good as he was going to get. He leaned in and kissed her softly. She could feel his lips trembling. All she could think about was how weak he was getting, how tired. He was slowing down, and God she hoped that he lived forever. But she knew that it wasn't going to happen.

He was dying, and there was nothing she could do about it.

"Spence?"

Hanna's questioning tone brought her out of her memories, but it did nothing else for her. She took a deep, fortifying breath and unfolding the letter. Before she even tried to read it she held it to her nose. If she really tried she thought that maybe she could smell his scent. It was starting to fade from his shirts, and she didn't like it.

She pulled it away to an appropriate distance and began to carefully read the letter that was supposed to make everything okay again. As she scanned the letter and took in the shaky handwriting her heart ached. When he should have been at his most selfish Toby was still thinking about her. He was still trying to do what he thought was best for her.

Spence,

Do you remember when my mom died? Before I got cancer that was truly the worst moment in my life. But you know what got me through it? You. The way that you were constantly there to hold me up when I thought I couldn't stand any longer, the way you kissed away the tears that I couldn't hold in, the way you took care of me when I couldn't bother taking care of myself...

When you came up to the podium to read the rest of my eulogy, that was when I knew that you were the only one in the world for me. I was pretty sure before hand, but it was in that moment, right in that second that I knew I would marry you. Part of me wanted to pull you outside and propose to you right in that moment. But I wouldn't do that to you. You deserved the best, and I was going to give that to you.

What's my point in telling you all of this? My mom dying was the worst part in my life, but I have a sinking suspicion that my death might be one of the worst in yours. And God, baby I wish I could be there for you. I wish I could hold you up the way you held me. I wish I could wipe away every tear that falls from your eyes. I wish I could kiss away the pain. I wish I could be there for you.

But honestly, sweetheart, I'm not so sure that I'm not. The kind of love I have for you isn't something that fades away. There's no way that anything could make that go away. Not even death. I'm there with you baby. I'm right there. I'm always with you.

So here's what I have for you, baby. Here's my surefire way to find the inner strength to go on. Do something that makes you happy. Go for a walk, watching a bad foreign movie, eat something good. Whatever, will make you smile. Stop blaming yourself, Spencer. You did everything perfectly. You didn't do anything wrong. You're the only reason that I survived for as long as I did. You'll be okay Spencer. You just have to be the one to believe it first.

And more than anything in the world Spencer, just remember how much you are loved. I love you more than I ever loved anyone or anything. You were my world, Spencer Hastings. You were and are everything to me. Your friends adore you. And your family loves you, even if they have a difficult time showing it. That love's unconditional, baby. And it's a good thing too, because God knows that you can be a pain in the ass. You're stubborn, a sore loser, a bed hog, and a smart ass. But you're also kind, loyal, loving, and the bed person that I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. Just hold onto that love Spencer. It'll be what gets you through this.

I love you. I love you so much. Hold onto that.

Toby

She shoved the letter back into the envelop, her stomach twisting in some kind of unknown emotion. It wasn't quite sadness... but it wasn't anger, grief, or happiness either. It was like a heavy jumble of emotions settled in the bottom of her stomach like a ball of lead.

Toby was right. He really was. She did need to get out of the apartment. She did need to do something for herself. She did need to realize that it wasn't her fault. And honestly, more than any of that, she needed to remember that there were still people out there who loved her. This may very well be the hardest thing that she ever did. But it wasn't impossible, and it wasn't insurmountable.

She grabbed onto the bed frame and hauled herself upward. She might not be 100%. She might not even be 50%. But she could try. She had to try because it wasn't just about her anymore.

"Spencer?"

Her friends were literally the best in the world. She had to be looking like a crazy person right now, but still they were there for her. They never wavered in their support. She didn't know how long she had been staring off into space, but judging by the urgent sound of Emily's voice it had been awhile.

"Em?" She asked hesitantly, her voice hoarse but strong.

Emily grabbed one of her hands and gave it a gentle squeeze. "What's up, Spence?"

"C-can, um can you call the d-doctor?" Her voice wavered this time, the magnitude of what she was asking Emily to do caught up with her. "But make- make sure it isn't Wren," she added as an after thought. That was the last thing that she needed.

"For the baby?" Emily clarified as she pulled out her phone, poised to dial.

She nodded and scooted over a bit to lean her head against Hanna's shoulder. She decided to take Toby's advice and let her friends support her if she needed them to. They are more than capable and also pretty alright.

"Alright Spence," Hanna began with a mischievous sounding voice. "We're going to try to eradicate some of the saddy atmosphere in this room. What's your most favorite memory of Toby that doesn't involve sex or nudity. Actually nudity could be okay."

At the mention of nudity Spencer let out a soft snort of laughter, the perfect memory immediately coming to mind.

"Oh thank the Lord Jesus God you're here." Caleb looked as though he would bow down and kiss her feet if that's what she wanted him to do.

"Is he alright?" Caleb's urgency had her a bit concerned. Usually he could deal with Toby just fine on his own.

"Oh yeah. Yeah, he's fine. About 100 points intoxicated He just wouldn't stop asking for you." Caleb put his hand on the small of her back and led her to the living room where several of his and Caleb's guy friends were scattered about.

Jason DiLaurntis smirked as soon as he saw her. Spencer didn't know him all that well, but he seemed like a good guy. "T-Dawg! Your lady is here. You should come out and see what she thinks of this idea."

She was so confuse, but she lifted her eyes in the direction of the rustling coming from the kitchen and was surprised as her eyes met the sight of a butt naked Toby Cavanaugh. She coughed and blushed slightly, but she couldn't divert his eyes. He just literally had the best body in the entire world.

"Spencer!" He sounded thrilled to see her. He usually sounded happy but maybe not quite so elated.

"Toby," she laughed nervously and gave him a gingerly hug as threw his arms around her in a tight embrace. "Why are you naked?"

"Oh! I almost forgot! We're having Naked Time! Naked Midnight, alright? You'll celebrate Naked Midnight with me, right?" He backed away far enough so he could look in her eyes.

"What's Naked Time?" She questioned, almost too afraid to ask.

"Um where we all get naked and hang out," he replied, as though it were the dumbest question he ever heard.

She opened her mouth and closed it a few times, at an absolute loss of house to respond. "Alright Toby," she laughed, deciding to try the only thing that was sure to get him to leave. "I'll take off all my clothes in front of your very male friends. Are you sure you're okay with that?"

"I'm okay with that!" A male voice chimed in from the couch. His outburst was punctuated by a sharp slap from Caleb.

Spencer tossed him a smile of thanks before turning back to Toby. "What do you say?"

"I say let's go back to your apartment for Naked Midnight," he replied quickly, shooting a dark glare at the guy on the couch.

She laughed and linked her arm with his. "I thought you might feel that way."

"No! That didn't happen!" Hanna gasped in all the right places.

"It totally did," Spencer laughed and sat up again. "He was drunk, adorable, and acting very inappropriate."

"But did you really have Naked Midnight?" Emily questioned as she took her spot back next to Spencer.

"No," she chucked. "I convinced him that Underwear Midnight was a better idea, so we watched Game of Thrones in our underwear and ate brownies. It was kind of a wonderful night," she sighed wistfully. She missed him.

Hanna frowned at her sudden change in demeanor. "We could do Underwear Midnight if you wanted, Spence!"

"As fun as that sounds..." she trailed off.

"As fun as that sounds, let's replace Underwear Midnight with doctor's appointment," Emily chimed in. "They squeezed you in at 2."

She nodded shortly and looked up at the ceiling, slowly closing her eyes. She didn't know if she was ready for this. But she had to be. Everything would be alright, and even if it wasn't, it didn't matter. She could do this for the baby. She could be strong for a little while longer.