I clearly worded my last author's note badly lol. There will 100% be tons of flashbacks. Lots of them. Because I love them too! We obviously need tons of Toby. But in the past few chapters it was MUCH more flashback than present, and all I was saying was that there's more to tell in the present now.

I've never lost a significant other, but I imagine there would be good days and bad. This was one of the good.

Thanks so much for the reviews, and the next chapter will be posted once I notice this story is up to 110 reviews! THIS IS LONG. So you should have plenty to talk about :)

Chapter 13

September

She had read about the resiliency of the human mind, but recently it had been proven to her again and again. No one would have blamed her for giving up. It would have been understandable under the circumstances. But she hadn't. It had been a month since her world shattered and yet she still continued to persevere.

Sometimes she still felt shocked about how life continued to go on. It went on even when she thought that the world would stop turning. The sun still rose in the morning and set at night. The birds chirped outside her window every day to wake her up. Her friends were still unfailingly wonderful. That was the only reason that she was still holding on.

Well that and the slow swelling of her stomach. Her right hand brushed over her belly, and she couldn't stop a soft smile. This was by far the hardest thing she ever did, but it was incredibly satisfying to realize that she was strong enough to handle this. She was strong enough to live with a constant reminder of the worst thing that had ever happened to her growing in her stomach. She was strong enough to live a daily reminder of what she lost.

"Spencer, what kind of fruit do you want on your waffles?"

Few people knew how good of a cook Caleb was, but she was becoming more and more acquainted with his particular style of cooking as of late. Her friends believed that she wouldn't feed herself, and honestly, before she figured out about the baby that was probably an accurate assumption. But now she knew what she had to do.

Caleb, and anyone who hadn't been pregnant, didn't understand how difficult of a question that was. "Well, I want strawberries, but I think the baby wants blueberries. Because I don't even like blueberries, but I have craving right now."

"Blueberries and strawberries it is," he chuckled and slid a plate of delicious smelling waffles in front of her. Part of her was really embarrassed by this constant care taking, but mostly she just was really excited by the constant stream of food. She had never eaten quite so well. Toby wasn't much of a cook, and she was a big fan of the whole instant gratification thing that came along with take out.

She popped a strawberry into her mouth and looked down at her hands, twisting her wedding ring around on her finger. Everyone was telling her that she would have to take it off soon, but she wasn't sure that she could handle that. Obviously she had taken it off since her wedding, but it was only for a shower or doing the dishes. Taking it off for longer felt like a betrayal, like she was ignoring her vows.

She closed her eyes as she chewed on the fruit, remembering what was decidedly the best day of her life.

She stood in the back of the church clutching her father's arm as though it were her lifeline. He was largely a pretty terrible father, but in this moment she knew that she could trust him not to let her fall. "Dad, remind me to kill Hanna for forcing me into these shoes."

He chuckled, "Noted. Are you ready for this, Spence?"

"I don't think that I've ever been more ready for something," she admitted with a smile. Her heart jumped as the music increased into the wedding march.

Mr. Hastings smiled at his daughter before leading her out into the aisle. She looked down, because if she looked at Toby she was probably just going to run the rest of the way. Her friends subscribed to the traditional parts of the wedding thing and absolutely refused to allow her and Toby to see each other 24 hours before the wedding, which was basically torture. The last time the Toby and her had been apart for that long was when she was in college, but at least they could talk at nights. It had been total enforced radio silence.

She really appreciated her dad leading her down the aisle, because she knew that for some unfathomable situation he didn't like Toby. It didn't make sense to her, and she wasn't going to dwell on it. Not today. But regardless, she appreciated that he was willing to walk her down the aisle.

She felt her dad slow down, and her eyes lifted up to take in the alter. Effortlessly her eyes met Toby's. That was how they worked. They were like the opposite sides of a magnet. There was nothing that could stop her from picking out Toby in a crowd. Her heart always knew.

Tears immediately welled up in her eyes as she saw the wetness on his cheeks. This was all she every wanted and didn't know to ask for. For her entire life she wanted nothing more than to be loved. Her parents cared for her, but their love was different. It was based upon conditions. She learned from a young age that her parents loved the one that was succeeding. But Toby loved her unconditionally. He loved her when she was being a pain in the ass. He loved her when she was being psychotic. He loved her when he OCD tendencies came out. He always loved her. And he always looked out for her. That was often a source of contention. She didn't feel like she needed someone to tell her that it was cold out and she needed a jacket or that the coffee she was drinking was too hot. But it was still a beautiful thing to know that someone was always looking out for you.

Her dad gently squeezed her hand and passed it into Toby's. His hand gently enclosed around hers and led her up the steps and in front of the waiting minister.

She couldn't focus on anything other than his eyes. The clear blue was made even bluer by the tears swirling around inside of them. The joy she felt was clearly reflected back at her. But joy wasn't even a strong enough word. It was hard to imagine that there was anyone happier than her. In this moment their love felt like the strongest force in the world. She often felt pity for the women who felt like they had to fight to keep their boyfriend, the women who felt like they were never good enough or that were unsure of their significant other's love. It was never like that for her and Toby. She knew that he loved her as well as she knew anything. He showed it to her every single day.

"Spencer and Toby have prepared their own vows to be read. Spencer, if you would like to start?"

She started listening again at the perfect moment, it seemed. She swallowed a few times, trying to get her emotions under control. Because if not she probably would burst into tears in the midst of her speech. This was perfect. It was all perfect. She grabbed her notes from Hanna, her maid of honor, and unfolded the paper. But instead of reading them she immediately handed them back to Hanna. She didn't need them.

She took Toby's other hand and gave him a watery smile. "Toby, I slaved for days over these vows in the way that only I can, wanting to make them perfect for you. But then I just stopped. Because I realized that the perfect words weren't going to come from my mind. They would come from my heart. So many people use the phrase 'love at first sight.' But I think that's a stupid concept. Love isn't destiny. It isn't fated. It's a choice. It's a choice that you make every day. You choose to love someone despite the fact that they're a cover hog, and they have an irrational aversion to talking on the phone." She dramatically rose her eyebrows to make it clear to everyone that she was talking about him.

"And Toby, I would choose you every time. Every single time. You make me feel beautiful like no one can. You remind me that there's more to life than academia. You never let me feel like I'm not good enough. You hold me up when I think that I just can't stand anymore. You love me like I've never been loved before. Anyone who knows me knows how guarded I am. They know how reluctant I am to expose myself or to make myself seem weak. But you make me feel safe, Toby. You make me feel like nothing could ever hurt me, and you also make me feel safe to be myself in front of you. Just when I think I can't love you anymore. With every single breath I take my love for you increases. I'll love you forever. Until the day that I die. I've never been more sure of anything."

She grabbed the ring from Hanna's outstretched hand and carefully slid it onto his finger with trembling hands.

"Toby?" The minister indicated that he could begin at anytime.

Toby took one of his hands back and brushed her tears away with a swipe of his thumb, causing very audible aw's to sound out from the audience. She couldn't stop a laugh from bubble up from her stomach and out her lips. Finally the world was seeing what she saw. Toby was literally and truly the sweetest man on the planet.

After taking a quick swipe at his own tears he took her other hand back and stroked out a soft circle on the back of her hands as he spoke. His eyes never left her face, as though she were the only person in the room. "Spencer, when I was really young my mom told me to wait for the one that makes the ordinary moments seem magical. To wait for the one who makes me feel like despite what the world tells me that I can be a better man. To wait for the one who recognizes my worth. But as I grew up that just felt like some kind of lofty goal. The kind of things that you tell kids to make them feel better about themselves. But then I met you. I met you and you transformed my whole world and my very idea of what love was. You know my past. You know the things that I've gone through and it never made you look at me differently. You saved me. You helped me move on, and you helped me see that life was beautiful again. You helped me see that there was a reason for living. You saved me again and again and again, and God only knows where I'd be without you. Alone, sad, and maybe even dead. You know me better than anyone in the world. You know my selfish tendencies. You know how painfully shy I can get. You know everything about me, and you love me anyway. You're my best friend and the love of my life. There's still a part of me that feels so incredibly lucky that I get to marry you today. But I don't see these as vows. I see these as privileges. I get to wake up next to you every single morning. I get to laugh and cry with you. I get to love you for the rest of my life. You're my entire world, Spencer Hastings. I love you."

Tears of joy streamed down her face. He had a way with words, that much was for certain. But literally every single thing he said was something she also felt about him. She didn't know when it happened. She didn't even know when it started. One day Toby Cavanaugh was nothing but her friend, and then suddenly, all at once, she realized that she was completely and truly in love with him. He was everything. Everything. He took her hand gently into his own and carefully slid the ring onto her hand.

The minister cleared his throat and turned onto Toby with a fatherly smile. "Do you, Toby Cavanaugh, take this woman, Spencer Hastings, to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, in sickness and in heath, in good times and woe, for richer or poorer, keeping yourself solely unto her for as long as you both shall live?"

"I do," he said immediately. There was no uncertainty, no hesitation.

The minister smiled and turned his head back to her. "Do you, Spencer Hastings, take this man, Toby Cavanaugh, to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, in sickness and in heath, in good times and woe, for richer or poorer, keeping yourself solely unto him for as long as you both shall live?"

"I do," she replied, her heart leaping with joy at the opportunity to declare her love for this man in front of everyone. She was not emotional. She was about as far from sappy or romantic as they came. But somehow Toby managed to bring out that side in her. He made her feel poetic. He made her feel like the girl that would drop anything and everything for the one that she loved. Because with Toby she was that girl.

The minister cleared his throat and continued on with his lines. "If there be anyone present who may show just and lawful cause why this couple may not be legally wed, let him speak now or forever hold his peace."

When no one spoke he smiled at each of them in turn. "Spencer, Toby, by the authority vested in my by the State of Pennsylvania, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now kiss the bride."

She turned to Toby, grinning so wide that it felt like her face might split it half, which would be a great ending to her wedding. His smile rivaled her own, if that were even possible. His hands left hers and moved upward to frame her face. He gently drew her in and pressed a searing kiss to her lips. She barely acknowledged the cheers and laughter in the background. Because right here and right now all that mattered was Toby. She was married to Toby, and there was no one else in the world that was as happy as she was.

She jumped as Hanna gently took her hand in her own and checked out her ring. "I never noticed how beautiful your engagement ring was. Toby did good."

He really had. She glanced down at the sparkly diamond and smiled wistfully. "He always made sure it was something that I'd like. I'm not sure how he did it, but I'm still not convinced that you or Em didn't help me."

"Oh hell, don't look at me. I would have told him to buy you a friendship bracelet or a hemp necklace or something. When you got engaged I was going through my hippie stage."

Spencer snorted at the memory of Hanna in Jesus sandals and long, flowy skirts. She had majored in fashion design in college, but her adviser had suggested that she minor in something that she found interesting or enjoyed. So, for some unknown reason, Hanna chose to minor in woman's studies; which temporarily turned her into a bra burning feminist and a tree hugging hippie. It was about one hundred parts amusing and one million parts confusing. "I look back on those days fondly. When you and Caleb finally decide to tie the knot I call making the reception slide show."

"God, only knows when that will happen," she rose her voice with a laugh, obviously trying to make sure that Caleb heard.

"Calm your tits, woman!" He chucked and flung a spoonful of whipped cream in Hanna's direction. "I'm still enjoying the bachelor life."

"Says the guy making me and my best friends waffles in the morning," she laughed. "I love you, you loser."

"I guess you're alright," he shrugged and passed Hanna her waffles before taking her own. "So Spencer, what do you want to do today?"

Hanna squeezed her leg underneath the table to stop her from speaking, and she looked at Caleb speculatively. "Can you go get us ice cream, Caleb?"

He looked at her suspiciously. "What are you up to?"

She gave off an offended huff. "I don't appreciate the insinuation."

Spencer had to bite her lip to stop herself from laughing. Hanna was definitely up to something.

Caleb sighed and pulled himself up to a standing position. "I'll be back soon." He grabbed his keys and breezed out the door. The fact that he barely even questioned her made her smile. Hanna and Caleb really were perfect for each other.

But even more than that, Spencer was proud of herself. Two weeks ago this would have broken her heart. She would have been inconsolable. Watching Hanna and Caleb be love-y together would have been too much to handle. But now all she felt was a dull ache in her stomach. She wasn't naive enough to believe that she was going to be alright forever. But she was for now, and that was enough. She gently brushed her hand across her stomach, drawing strength from the little pieces of Toby that were still inside of you.

"Alright Spence, care to help me ruin Caleb's life?" Hanna jumped to her feet and held a hand out to help her up.

Spencer smiled and took Hanna's hand. "Always up for a little life ruining."

Together they grabbed the newspaper and balloons. Spencer worked on tapping the newspaper up to cover the door frame, and Hanna worked to blow up balloons to shove between the newspaper and the door. She couldn't wait to see the avalanche of balloons attack Caleb when he opened up the door. As she worked with Hanna to prank Caleb she thought back to one of her favorite memories.

She walked into the kitchen, her heavy purse slung over her shoulder. It had been a long day at work, and she was mostly just really exhausted. More than anything she just wanted to curl up in bed with a good book and about an entire bottle of wine. She tossed her bag onto the counter and scanned the kitchen for her husband. "Toby?" She called out in confusion.

He always got off work before her on Tuesday, and usually he was busy preparing dinner for the two of them. But now he was no where in sight. Before she could get too worried her eyes were caught by something neon green on the counter. She picked up the nerf gun and rolled it around in her hands. What the hell? She noticed the note next to it and pulled it up to her face.

Spence,

I missed you! So, you should be aware of two things.

1. This nerf gun is for you.

2. I have the other, and you're under attack as of right now.

Run! The winner gets to pick where we go to dinner tonight. And I'd say good luck, but I'm really craving a steak. So I actually hope you lose.

Love you,

Toby.

In a moment of ironic timing a foam dart smacked her in the middle of her forehead the second that she finished reading the letter. She looked up and saw Toby with a pink gun aimed in her direction. She couldn't decide what was better? Was it the fact that he was literally the most adorable idiot in the world or that he kept the pink gun for himself?

Either way, there was no way that she was going to let him win this fight. She may have been exhausted, but she certainly wasn't going to let him win this. She ducked behind the kitchen island and propped her gun on the edge of the counter, aiming the gun at Toby. She laughed in satisfaction as a dart bounced off of his chest. "I hope you're in the mood for some sushi, because I have a craving of my own!"

Toby and Spencer spent an hour shooting at each other in a haze of laughter, discarded foam darts, and a few bumps and bruises. In the end Toby simply wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her to the ground. He hovered over her, careful not to burden her with any of his weight. "Want to call it a draw?" He murmured with his lips ghosting over her own.

She just looked into his eyes, her brain muddled by his proximity. Her heart skipped a beat as her nose was filled with his overwhelming scent. She could never quite pinpoint exactly what he smelled like; saw dust, his cologne, and something else.

"Spence?" He chuckled quietly. He lifted one hand from the floor and used it to brush her hair out of her face. "We can go get sushi if you want."

"No," she replied slowly, still distracted by his proximity. Shouldn't she be used to him now? "No, you don't like sushi. We can go get your slab of dead cow. I can-"

He dipped down and pressed a gentle kiss to her lips, decidedly cutting off anything else that she would have said. "I find it hard to believe that a vegetarian will be able to find something that they like in a steak house."

"Baked potato," she murmured, tilting upward to kiss him again. "Vegetables. Something, anything. We can do what you want."

"I love you so much," he whispered. "I look at you, and still, every single day, I wonder what the hell I did to deserve you."

"Right back at you, handsome," she wanted to say more, but she could feel the rumbling of his stomach. "Come on," she laughed, wriggling out from under him. "Let's go feed you."

"Spence? Where'd you go?" Hanna asked her as she took a step back to admire their finished product.

"I was just remembering something..." she trailed off. She was feeling good, she really was. She was enjoying herself, and for the first time in a long time she didn't feel the need to run back to bed. But that didn't mean that the memories with Toby didn't still sting. Because they did. They hurt so much. She would give anything, anything,to have him with her.

"About Toby?" Hanna asked her sympathetically.

Spencer nodded and reluctantly recalled her memory for Hanna, who was basically the best sport in the world. She laughed in the right moments and she aww-ed whenever she said something cute.

"Where'd you end up going to eat?" She asked in a hushed voice as they heard someone coming up the hallway.

"That's the thing," she chuckled quietly. "Toby was such an idiot. The most romantic and adorable idiot in the world, but still an idiot. He insisted we go to this hibachi and sushi place. He said that he just wanted steak, but that Asian steak and noodles were fine too. He always wanted to make me happy, even if it wasn't something that he wanted."

"You had a good one, Spencer," Hanna said quietly, flashing her a soft smile.

"I really did," she said softly, abruptly cutting off her words as she heard the scratching of a key in the lock.

The door squeaked as it opened, and Caleb's loud curse was the only thing that they heard before they both dissolved in a mess of hysterical giggles. Their laughter only increased as Caleb tore his way through the newspaper.

"This is what happens when I leave you two alone?" His voice was amused, but there was something underneath of it.

Apparently Hanna noticed as well. "What's wrong, Caleb?"

He chewed on his lip for a second before sliding an envelope out of his back pocket. "Spencer, this was taped to the door for you."

And as soon as she saw the handwriting on the envelope all traces of laughter left her face. Was this a joke? Who the hell was delivering these letters for Toby? Was it flipping Hogwarts?

But either way, it was from him. It was a piece of him, and she needed it now more than ever. She pulled the envelope eagerly to herself, and just stroked the handwriting for a second before actually focusing on what it said.

Hey baby,

So, you should be getting this one about a month after I die. I've never had my wife die on me (duh), but I imagine it's something that has its good and its bad days. And sweetheart, I'm hoping that you're getting to the stage where there's more good than bad. I truly do.

But because I know you so well I am absolutely certain that the bad days will continue for a long time. I hope and pray that I don't. More than anything, I would love for you to read this letter and then throw it away because you don't need it any more. But I don't think you're there yet. And like I told you at the beginning, I'm here to help. I'll do whatever I can to make this okay for you.

So in the envelope you should find three tickets to Lima, Peru. There are also hotel reservations at a hotel in Lima and one in Cusco. I know you always talked about wanting to go to Peru and wanting to see Machu Picchu. I wish I could go with you, but going with the girls should be good enough. Maybe even better. If you go home, in the box in the back of my drawer in the nightstand there's $500. It won't go far, but take that as some spending money. I wish I could have left more, but you know how it goes.

Have fun. And remember what I said in the first letter, sweetheart. It's not cool to ignore the wishes of a dying man. And there's nothing that I want more than to know that you're having fun. Please. You leave in two weeks.

I love you so much, sweetheart. I won't ever stop.

Toby

He had to be kidding.

"Spence, what did he have to say?" Hanna glanced over her shoulder curiously.

She passed her the letter and headed to the bathroom, suddenly feeling a little bit nauseous. She didn't know if it was the baby or the insane thing that her husband just did, but either way she wasn't going to take any chances. "I guess we're going to Peru," she said over her shoulder as she shut the door behind her.

This was going to be interesting.