Hey guys! I got a question about Spencer! She's about 14 weeks along! She's due around April!

Also to the anon reviewer who said I got the nerf gun thing from the internet, FALSE. You know what they say about assumptions. A few years ago my youth pastor had that written on the chalk board with a bunch of nerf guns lined up underneath. And whoever caught him first got to pick the pizza topping out. Granted, I don't know where he got it from! He was also the Mike to my Toby in Aria's story below. Best youth pastor everrrr.

This is my favorite chapter, I think. For two reasons. I went to Machu Picchu a few years ago, and it was incredible! And also idk. I think I did a pretty good job writing it.

Next chapter will be up when I notice that this story is at 125 reviews at least!

LOVE YOU

Chapter 15

October

All three sets of eyes turned to look at Emily who laughed nervously and held her hands up in surrender. "I wasn't supposed to tell you!"

"What exactly did he say?" Aria asked with her eyebrows raised.

"That I'm not supposed to tell Spencer what we're doing, because the look on her face will be epic when she figures it out on her own," Emily laughed. "Oh, and that he subscribes to the idea that dead people can watch what's going on in Earth through little TVs. And that I shouldn't screw it up because that's something he's looking forward to seeing.

Spencer snorted and wiped away the final vestiges of her tears. That was Toby for you. He was a fan of the big, romantic gesture, even when he wasn't there to see it come to fruition. "I guess we should go then. As he's so fond of reminding me, there's no refusing a request from a dead man." She managed to not physically wince at the mention of Toby being dead, but that didn't stop the internal cringing.

"Well then let's split, bitches!"

Aria watched Hanna's back in confusion as she walked out of the door. When she was out of earshot she leaned over to Spencer. "She realizes that bitches isn't a term of endearment, right?"

"Hanna makes her own rules," she said softly. The jubilant mood was dulled slightly by the stark reminder of Toby's absence, but she would do everything that she could to enjoy this time.

As they walked through the streets of Cusco Spencer stood in awe of the scenery. The smells, the sounds, the architecture, just everything. It was everything that she dreamed of. The only thing that would have made it better would have been if Toby had been there with her.

She looked at the sky and watched the clouds go by, smiling as she remembered the moment that changed the course of her entire life.

Toby lifted a branch for her so that she could duck under it without any problems. She smiled at him as they ducked out and across the other side. "Are you sure you aren't taking me into the woods to murder me?"

He chuckled and grabbed her hand to lead her down the path. "Wouldn't that be exciting."

Embarrassing goosebumps raced up her arm. Hopefully Toby didn't notice, because she was sure that the move was platonic. As much as she was slowly falling for Toby, she was fairly certain that he didn't feel the same way. How could he?

She smiled as he pushed some leaves out of her path. He was pretty much the most adorable human being on the planet. "It would be exciting until I reversed it on you and kicked your murdering butt." She tightened her grip on his hand as the started downhill. "Where exactly are we going?"

"Just this spot I like to go to sometimes when I want to escape," he said simply.

"But now I'll always be able to find you," she teased.

He stopped her and smiled down are you. "I don't think that I can imagine a time when it would be you that I'm hiding from, Spencer."

Did he not realize the effect that he had on her? Her heart flip flopped in her chest like it had a starring role in some cheesy country song. But she was saved from having to formulate some kind of response by the distracting beauty of the meadow that he had just led them into. "Toby," she breathed. "This is beautiful."

"It is," he said softly without taking his eyes off of her. "Want to be dorks and look up at the clouds?"

"That's my favorite hobby!" She laughed and flopped back on a little incline.

Toby balled up his jacket and handed it to her as a pillow. She shook her head. She wasn't about to take both his source of warmth and his source of comfort. But he rolled his eyes and gently lifted her head, depositing the jacket underneath of it.

She laughed and reached over to lightly smack him in the chest. "You think you're so smart."

"I know I am," he replied simply, grabbed her hand to hold before she could pull it away. "Spence, can I ask you something?"

"Anything," she said immediately.

He nodded and paused before speaking. "I think that I like someone. And I'm not sure that she likes me back."

"Who?" She hoped that she kept her voice passively neutral, because in reality she mostly wanted to hunt down and kill this bitch.

He rolled on his side, and tugged on her hand until she did the same. He just looked at her for a moment before answering. "You."

She blinked a few times, trying to decide if he was being serious. "Are- are you kidding?" This seemed too good to be true.

His face deflated slightly at what he took as a negative reaction. "No, I'm not. But it's okay if you-"

Was he kidding? Was there any possible way he believed that she didn't feel the same way as him? She shook her head and leaned in, pressing a soft kiss to his mouth. It wasn't very often that she was so bold, but something about this situation had her throwing caution to the wind.

After a moment of shock Toby's arms wound around her waist and drew her in closer. Their lips met again and again, their hands exploring each other for the first time. This moment was filled with so much joy, so much passion. It was unparalleled to anything she had felt as of yet. Toby pulled away as they both of them gasped for air. But instead of breathing he moved his lips to her neck, her cheeks, her forehead; ghosting gentle, feather light, kisses across her face. "You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that," he murmured into the crook of her neck.

"I have some idea," she breathed, her words barely audible even to herself.

Toby lifted his face to hers and brushed his nose across hers, the first in a lifetime of eskimo kisses. And somehow she knew that this year was starting to look up.

"Are you serious?!"

Hanna's excited voice was about 50 decibels higher than her already high pitched voice, which tore Spencer from her memories immediately. Which was alright with her, because remembering the start of her relationship was both beautiful and heart breaking in equal measure. Sure, she had experienced something beautiful, something that people spend their whole life searching for. But she simultaneously lost it before she was even out of her 20s.

She carefully wiped away the lone tear traveling down her cheek as she took in their surroundings. The first and only thing that caught her attention was the bright yellow Perurail sign. No. No he didn't. Oh Toby.

"So, as you guys probably have figured out, Toby bought us tickets to go up to Machu Picchu tonight." Emily smiled softly and passed a ticket out to each of the girls. "He said not to complain, Spencer."

"I-" she didn't even know what to say. She didn't know how to respond to this. "Oh my God, he's such an idiot. I love him. Oh my God." Her awed face quickly split into an ear to ear grin. "We- I- Oh my God."

"Did Toby just render her speechless from beyond the grave?" Emily laughed and went first and handed her ticket to the ticket taker, who had a very impressive mustache. Everyone had their identifier, and she was pretty sure his was the mustache man.

She sat down next to Aria in the back car and just stared out the window. When Toby died she kind of just expected to spend the rest of her life in a continuous indifferent state. Because if she allowed herself to feel something she was so sure that it would be pain. The kind of pain that crash over you again and again and never left. But instead she was feeling happiness. She was feeling joy. She was feeling excitement, and it was all due to Toby. It was due to him showing her that life went on, and that there was still goodness in the world. Granted, everything would seem a little bit brighter if Toby was here. She would enjoy it a little more if he were here. But for the first time since his death she was excited to do something.

"Okay, Spencer, let's do what Toby wanted us to do. Let's share stories!"

"Um, what do you want to know?" She asked hesitantly. Talking about Toby sometimes helped, but it usually hurt. She didn't really want to ruin this moment, but Toby's little tasks had been fairly on point thus far. Maybe this would help too.

"Did you know that Toby was scared of puppets?" She smirked and turned to Spencer.

"You're kidding!" How did she go all those years without realizing that. But she supposed she hadn't had a lot of puppets laying around.

She nodded eagerly. "Well, only the ones on the strings. What are they called?"

"Marionettes?" Spencer laughed.

Aria nodded again, her smile only growing. "When we were little and Toby's family came to visit we used to play hide and seek. One time we convinced my brother, Mike, to play with us. Mike was pissed so he decided to hide under his bed and play with the arm of the marionette that he got in Mexico. Only Toby only saw the marionette moving, not Mike. I'm pretty sure it scarred him for life."

"Oh my God," she laughed. "You're kidding, right?"

"I'm not! Alright, your turn. Tell me a story about Toby that I wouldn't know!"

Spencer bit her lip, trying to think of a good story. After a moment of thought she smiled as she thought of one. "Did Toby ever tell you about the first time he got drunk with me?"

"He did not, but I need for you to tell me this story right now," Aria laughed.

Spencer smiled and began to tell Aria one of the most entertaining stories in her arsenal.

"Spencer! Take a shot with me!"

She turned around just in time to see Toby stumbling toward her. His fingers immediately wrapped around her bicep and pulled her off in the direction of the alcohol table.

"Toby," she laughed, prying his fingers off of her arm. She interlocked their fingers together instead and led the two of them into the Marin kitchen. "How about I watch you take a shot?" Someone had to drive them home.

"But I want to take a shot with you. It's Hanna's birthday!" His pouty whine was the literal most adorable thing in the world.

She laughed and nodded, taking a shot glass and subtly filling it up with water. He wouldn't notice and it would make him happy. They clinked their glasses together, and she downed the water like a shot. "How are you feeling, Toby?"

He cleared his throat like he was about to say something important and leaned in to whisper in her ear. She giggled as his hot breath tickled her unsuspecting skin. "I think," he began, pausing for dramatic effect. "I think that I might be an itty bitty bit drunk."

"Well as long as it's just a little bit," she laughed. "What do you want to do now?"

"Can we sit down? Because the room is spinning just an itty bitty bit, and I don't want to puke on you."

She laughed again, but she didn't hesitate to grab his arm and lead him up to the Marin's spare bedroom. Usually it was closed off to party guests, but Spencer knew that Hanna wouldn't mind. They dodged their classmates and ducked into the room. "Sit on the bed before you lose your lunch on me. I kind of like this dress."

He nodded and thoughtfully flopped back on the plush mattress. "Spency, can I ask you a question?"

Did he just call her Spency? She fought to keep the smile off of her face as she laid out next to him on the bed. "You can ask me anything Toby."

"If you shaved a baby gorilla would it look like a gorilla or a really ugly baby?"

She tried not to laugh, she really did. But she couldn't stop the loud peel of laughter from escaping her throat. Was he serious?

"Don't laugh!" He whined. "I really need to know. I have this mental picture that keeps popping into my head. Like some babies are ugly, you know? Maybe a gorilla would look like a fat ugly baby! Or maybe you would still be able to tell that it was a gorilla! I need to know!"

She bit her lip to hold back to continued laughter that threatened to escape. "Okay, can I guess? Because I've never shaved a gorilla before."

"Acceptable," he nodded to indicate that she should proceed.

The corners of her lips tugged out, and she literally had to fight to keep her smile at bay. She would literally do anything for Toby Cavanaugh, and indulging in his drunken ridiculous wasn't very difficult. "Well, I think that gorilla's have a very different facial structure than a normal baby. So I'm not sure that it would necessarily look like a gorilla, but I bet you could be pretty confident that it wasn't a baby, at the very least."

He nodded thoughtfully before turning to hover over her without warning. He pressed a gentle kiss to her lips. "You're the smartest person in the world, baby. This is why I love you so much."

"So you love me for my brains? Not my body? You are the least teenage, teenage boy there's ever been, Toby," she laughed and leaned up to kiss him again. "I love you too, by the way."

"Your body is pretty great too though," he said lowly and carefully brushed his fingers across her stomach.

She couldn't stop her laughter this time. He was seriously the most adorable human being on the face of the planet. And he was literally the only teenage boy in the world that would complement her mind over her body. "I'm a fan of your body as well."

He smirked at her before rolling over and flopping back down next to her. "I have another question."

"Yes?" She laughed, already anticipating something ridiculous.

"Do you think the Loch Ness Monster is real? And if it is why does it always hide? Like, why doesn't it just pop out of the water and be like here I am?"

She snorted and tucked her face into his neck to muffle her uncontrollable laughter. Oh she loved him. So much.

"He really asked you about the Loch Ness Monster?!" Aria laughed.

"He did! He got strangely philosophical when he was drunk. Another time he asked me if I thought the sky was blue because God was crying over all the bad things that happened to people on Earth." She paused and looked out the window. Her ears popped as the chugged higher up the mountains. They had to be almost there. "I couldn't answer him that time. I was too busy trying to kiss away the pain on his face."

"Toby suffered more than any one person ever should have too," Aria said softly.

Spencer nodded and continued to look out the window. If she looked into Aria's eyes she might start crying again. "He was just so good. He didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve any of it."

"No he didn't," she sighed.

She glanced at Aria hesitantly. She hadn't really told anyone that she was pregnant, and she was just starting to show. Unless you knew you probably wouldn't notice, but if anyone deserved to know it was Aria. "Aria, I'm pregnant."

Aria looked at her in shock for a moment before her face was transformed by a wide smile. "You're kidding! Really? Have you been to the doctor yet? Is it a boy or a girl? Oh my-"

Spencer shook her head, cutting of Aria's rambling. "I- God, I don't know what to do about it yet." But even as she said that she knew that it wasn't necessarily true. She loved this baby. She really did, and giving it up would kill her. But would it really be fair to the child? Would it be fair to subject them to a life where they were only second best? Because, while she loved the baby, she knew without hesitation that she would easily be able to give it up if it meant that she could have Toby again. "I just don't know what to do."

"You'll do the right thing, Spencer. I know you will." She smiled and tilted her head out across the aisle. "I think that we're almost there."

"What's the right thing, though?" She mumbled, not really asking Aria for an answer.

"That depends on who you ask," Aria admitted. "For some people keeping the baby would be the only option. For other adoption or abortion make more sense. But it has to be your decision. Only you can figure out what's best for you and the child, and don't let anyone tell you differently. And no one who matters will judge you for it."

She was right. She was always right. Somehow Aria, who was only a few years older than them, had this otherworldly kind of knowledge to her. But all of her anxiety over the choice she was going to have to soon make melted away at the sight of the place that she had been dying to visit for her entire life. She was really there. She was in Machu Picchu. Toby made that happen for her.

Everything was a haze as they bought their tickets and made their way down the path and through the square shaped arch-way. And suddenly they were there. They stood on the stone path overlooking the iconic view that she had seen so many times; in pictures, in movies, in random google searches as she fantasized about the day she would finally be there.

And here she was. She walked ahead of her friends, running her fingers along the stone walls. She couldn't imagine the skill and ingenuity it took to construct buildings this precisely without modern technology and conveniences. This was incredible. As she walked through the rooms she was awed by the thought that people once lived here. They worked here, raised their families here, and went through the motions of their everyday lives in the midst of these stone walls. People lived and died here. She could imagine the women carrying their babies along the stone pathways. She could imagine the children playing games in the fields.

She wondered along the ruins alone, content to just know that her friends were there if she needed them. But this about more than fulfilling a lifelong dream for her. It was about more than just checking something off of her bucket list.

Toby planned this for her. He booked their tickets and their lodging. He organized it so that she didn't have to be alone. Hell, he even somehow knew that his crazy older cousin would be a comfort to her. It felt like he was there with her. It felt like he was walking beside her. This was the closest thing to perfect that she had felt since Toby died. The only thing that could make this better was if he were really with her. Holding Toby's hand as they climbed the never ending stares. Jumping when she saw a llama, and pretending that she wasn't scared when he subsequently made fun of her. Laying out in the sun surrounded by the Urubamba Valley. Those were the things that would have made this day perfect.

She sat down on a stone ledge, her feet dangling over the side. She was content to just sit and watch the people experience what she just had. She enjoyed the wonder on their faces and the joyous laughter escaping from their soundless lips. It was the only thing helping her to keep it together. Because, as much as she was so thankful for this day, she was starting to miss Toby terribly. Her heart ached to hear his voice, to feel his lips against her own, to feel his hands against his skin, to hear him tell her that he loved her. But she missed even the simpler things desperately. She missed knowing that there was one person in the world who would consistently put her own needs above his own. She didn't enjoy it at the time, but God, now that she didn't have it she realized just how much she needed it. She missed the way he would ask her about her day and genuinely want to hear an answer. He was the only one who could pull her out of a depression like this, and the irony of that wasn't lost on her.

"Spence?"

She blinked back the tears that were threatening to spill over before turning to Emily with a soft smile. "Hey, Em."

Emily sat down next to Spencer, close enough that Spencer could feel her body heat but far enough away that they weren't touching. "I miss him," she said softly, reaching out to grasp Spencer's hand.

If it were anyone but Emily that statement would have annoyed her, because there was no way that they missed him as much as she did. But with Emily she knew that it came close. Emily was Toby's friend before she was even ready to acknowledge his existence. Emily helped him with his problems before she knew or cared about him. Emily was there first, and Spencer knew that her sadness rivaled her own. "I miss him too," she whispered. "Every single day. So much."

Emily studied her for a moment before speaking. "He would be so proud of you."

"For what?" Spencer snorted. "For being a wreck?"

"No," Emily disagreed. "For surviving. He once told me he was more worried about your reaction to his death than he was about dying itself. He was ready to go, Spence. But he held on as long as he could to make sure that you'd be okay. And he'd be so proud that you were working so hard at it."

"Do you think it will hurt forever?" She whispered, looking down into the canyon below. A part of her, a very small part of her, thought about how easy it would be just to scoot off and fall. Emily wouldn't realize what she was doing until it was already done, and then she could go to be with Toby. How glorious did that sound? But the larger, more rational part of her knew that she couldn't do that. She couldn't leave her friends. She couldn't end her child's life before it got started. But more than any of that she knew how angry Toby would be. No matter what happened he would want her to live. But she still couldn't help but wonder. At this point death would almost be a relief.

"Yes," Emily admitted reluctantly. "It will almost definitely hurt forever. You lost the person you loved the most in the world. There's no way that that kind of pain will ever go away. But it will dull. Slowly but surely it will dull into a painful ache. A reminder of what you lost. But day by day I think it will get easier and easier to remember the good memories."

"When did you get so smart?" Spencer laughed sadly.

Emily just smiled at her as she reached into her bag and pulled out a wrinkled white envelope from her bag. "This was in my letter too. I think you need it now."

Spencer reached out with trembling fingers. How did he always know when she would need him? "He was the best."

"He really was." Emily squeezed her hand before letting it go completely. "I'll let you read that in peace," she said softly. "When you're ready to head back down I'll be right over there." She gestured to the right with her head."

Spencer listened to her leave before flipping the envelope over and reading the writing on the face. 'When She Needs Me...'

She sighed, a little annoyed that she was so predictable, but mostly just trying to push down the swelling emotions that were threatening to pull her under. He knew she needed him. He always knew.

She carefully slit the envelope open with her fingernail and pulled the paper out. She could have sworn she got a whiff of his cologne as she unfolded it.

Spencer,

You're there. You're at the place you've always dreamed of going. How does it feel? Is it everything that you've ever dreamed of? I hope it is, baby. I really do.

So, this should be your third letter from me today. I'm pretty sure that I've covered all of the bases. I know it has to be driving you crazy that I know you so well, sweetheart, but just embrace it. Embrace that you were loved enough for that to happen.

This is going to be a short one, but I just felt like you might need a little reminder that I'm always with you. I might not be physically there, but emotionally? Spiritually? I'm right there with you baby. You stole my heart a long time ago, and I assure you that I didn't take it back when I died. I'm there. I'm right there. You feel the breeze on your face? That's me brushing your unruly hair out of your eyes. You feel the sun warming your face? That's me making sure that you're not too cold. Did you manage to catch yourself as you walked up the steps? That's me making sure that you never fall.

I'm always there Spencer. I'm right there.

I love you.

Toby

She wiped away the tears that were slowly trailing down her face. He was right. Nothing could separate them. Not death, not life, not sickness, not anything. They were connected forever.

And now after reading this letter she knew what she had to do when she got back to Philly. It would be hard, maybe next to impossible, but she had to. It was time.