Okay, this isn't my favorite chapter, but it had to be written! Also, I love the Spaleb friendship. If you've read my other stories/tumblr prompts you might have gotten that by now! So that's my favorite part of this chapter.
You can thank KrisTheFangirl for you guys getting this so soon, because I was going to wait longer. The reviews are getting a bit disappointing. But I still love you guys to the moon and back, so do your thing!
Next chapter won't be up before 135 reviews!
Happy reading and let me know what you think!
Chapter 16
November
The morning was bright, and she smiled as she felt the warmth of the sun on her face. It was November, so warmth was hard to come by this time of year. Her bed was cold, and she stretched her arm out reaching for Toby. There was no way that he woke up before she did. She frowned when she saw the empty spot next to her and was confused for a split second before she remembered and was hit by a wave of pain.
You would think it would get easier. You would think that time would ease the agony. But it didn't. She woke up every morning with it hitting her anew. She thought that after Peru she might have been ready to move on. She might have been ready to lead a normal life. But apparently she was wrong about that too. Was she right about anything anymore?
But what she truly hadn't expected was to wake up and still believe that Toby would be beside her. How long would it take for her mind to catch up to reality? Because every time she woke up believing that Toby would be next to her her heart shattered anew. How was she supposed to go on from here?
She moved to get up, but before she could something fluttered in her stomach. She was confused for a minute until she realized what it was. Her baby was kicking. She put her hand on her stomach and sat Indian style on the bed, just staring at the wall. She didn't even know how to feel right now. Maybe disoriented was the right word. Nothing felt real. It was like the dead air screen on TV. Her mind was a haze of little racing black dots.
She didn't even look up as someone knocked on the door. She just continued to stare at the wall. A long, thin crack was starting to develop at the corner of the wall and down the length of the window frame. She should probably call someone to fix it, because she literally had no idea where to begin. Toby- she swallowed painfully at even the thought of his name. Toby always took care of things like that.
The knocking stopped, which either meant that they went away or it was one of her nosy friends. Her nosy wonderful friends who hadn't given up on her yet. Toby had been gone for two months. Was it ever going to get any easier?
"Spencer? Hey are you alright?"
She sighed, having totally forgotten that she had asked Caleb to give her a ride today. The decision to finally make a doctor's appointment had been much easier while she was overlooking the ruins of her dream destination. She felt so connected to Toby. The pain in her heart was minimized by the knowledge that he had planned that for her. That he had looked through travelocity and searched for the best flight, picked the hotel that he thought was best, and even called to purchase tickets to Machu Picchu for them. It almost felt like he was with her. But now? Now she felt as disconnected as ever.
She turned to look at Caleb. She could see the worry in his eyes, and knew that she had to get it together. "Sorry, yeah I'm fine."
"You're lying. But that's fine. Want to go eat our weight in frozen yogurt when we're done?"
That's one of the things that she liked the best about Caleb. He acknowledged her lies, moved on, and then offered food. Was there a better way to deal with a depressed woman? And there was no point in denying that she was depressed, because it was as apparent to the outside world as it was to her. She nodded at Caleb and pulled herself up off of the bed. "Just let me get dressed real quick."
He nodded and flopped down on the bed. "Take your time. I'll just bask on the most comfortable bed in the entire universe."
She smiled softly and walked into the bathroom to change. Caleb was one of her favorite people in the world, part of it was because of how he was unfailingly there for Toby. He never wavered in his support.
She ran an anxious hand through her hair. She hadn't left Toby since the illness had started to take its tole on his body, but she had to now. If she didn't go take her final she was going to fail out of graduate school. And honestly, had this been her first semester she might have been alright with it. But she only had these tests to go, and she couldn't give up now.
"Caleb, can you help me with something really fast?" She saw Toby look at her like he knew exactly what she was doing, but she truly didn't care. She was treating him like a child, and she felt about a tiny little bit bad about it. But most of her was sure that this was the only way that she was going to be able to leave. And she knew that Toby would indulge her worries. Because as much as he should only be worrying about himself he still always thought of her first.
Caleb nodded and followed her into the kitchen. "I'm just off to steal your girl, Cavanaugh."
"That's alright. Then Hanna and I won't have to hide our affair anymore. It's been getting pretty bothersome."
Spencer rolled her eyes and grabbed Caleb's arm to drag him away from what her and Hanna referred to as the bro sassing session.
"Keep your pants on, grabby hands! We can't start with Toby right in front of us!"
She could stop but laughing that time. "Oh my God, Caleb."
"Don't worry, I'll have Hanna's special hot chocolate to keep me company," Toby called after them as they walked into the kitchen.
"Shit! Spence, I'm going to have to end this," Caleb stage whispered just loudly enough for Toby to hear. "It's been fun, but I can't live without Hanna's hot chocolate!"
She could hear Toby laughing from the living room, so the smack she landed on Caleb's shoulder was only half-hearted. If he could make Toby laugh like that he could do anything he wanted. But her smile quickly dropped off of her face. "You have to be careful with him, okay?"
"Spencer-" He began, but she cut him off almost immediately.
"No, Caleb seriously. He's going to think that he can still do what he used to be able to do, and he's going to want to do it. I don't think it's sunk in that he's sick yet. Just don't-" She broke her sentence off before the sob that was traveling up her throat was able to escape. If Toby heard her crying he would panic, and that was literally the last thing that she wanted.
But this was so hard. She refused to show how hard it was on her in front of Toby because he would needlessly feel guilty, but it was nearly impossible. She had spent every minute of the last month imagining the worst. What if they couldn't afford the treatments that he needed? She would literally sell everything she owned if necessary. She would do anything she could to get him the help that he needed, but what if it wasn't enough? What if he decided to leave her? It could be because he grew tired of her constant nagging or because he wanted to protect her. No matter the cause it would destroy her. Or, worst case scenario, what if he didn't make it?
Caleb didn't hesitate to wrap her up in a firm hug. His hand rubbed a soft circle out on her back. "He'll be fine with me, Spencer. I swear, I won't let him exert himself, and I promise you that I'll call you if anything goes wrong. Just go out and take a little time for yourself."
She nodded and pulled away, wiping away the few tears that escaped while her face was hidden away. "I'm just going to say goodbye to him, and then I'll go. Does it look like I've been crying?"
"Nah you look fine." He gave her a lazy half smile and turned to the fridge. "I hope you have some grub in here, because I'm starving."
She rolled her eyes and walked back into the living room. As soon as Toby saw her he straightened up and reached a hand out to her. "Are you alright?"
"Always am," she said softly, smiling at him. "Will you be okay?"
Toby gave her an imploring look as he brushed her hair out of her face. "I'll be fine. Caleb and I are just going to have a rager while you're gone, and we'll probably just leave the whole thing for you to clean up."
"Seriously baby," she was all for joking, but she had to make sure this would be okay before she left. "If you need me to stay I'll stay."
He cupped her face with one of her hands, and she automatically reached up to trap it against her cheek. He tilted his head to the side as he studied her facial expression. "Go be brilliant, sweetheart. I'll be fine and anxiously awaiting your return."
She nodded and blinked back the tears threatening to spill over again. "I love you," she murmured and pressed a kiss to his lips before he had a chance to reply to her.
"I-" he murmured between kisses. "I love you too."
She nodded and took a deep breath preparing to push herself away. Leaving him was hard, but this is what needed to happen. She released him and turned to walk out the door without another word.
Two hours, a broken pencil, and a yellow highlighter mark across her nose were the consequences of time spent away from Toby. But as she climbed the steps to her apartment she was struck by just how relieved she felt. The finals were done, and now she had nothing to do but take care of Toby until she was able to find a job. But she had her trust fund. Theoretically she could stay unemployed for awhile. He needed her.
As she approached her door she heard laughter traveling through the heavy wood. What were they doing? Once she pushed through the door she could stop a smile as she saw the two boys sprawled out on the couch playing video games.
Toby was always a bit of a loner. He had friends, but he was content to spend time alone. But with Caleb it was different. They were more than friends. They were like brothers, and she knew that she would be forever grateful to Caleb for what he did for Toby.
She decided to forgo the makeup, realizing just how emotional this day would be. The last thing that she needed was mascara trailing down her face. She was certain that she would look crazy enough on her own.
She walked back into her bedroom to retrieve her doctor companion. When she saw him with a pillow pulled over his face she couldn't help but laugh. When he heard her Caleb tossed the pillow away. "Spence, would it be creepy to tell you that you smell really good?"
She laughed again, already feeling slightly better. Not great, but better. Caleb had the effect on people. She shrugged and grabbed her purse off of the end table. "Are you ready?"
"Yeah," he nodded, pulling his keys out of his pocket. "So, what have you been up to?"
"Mostly laying in bed and cry," she said honestly. There was something about Caleb that you just didn't want to lie to.
He pulled open her door for her and shut it again behind her. He didn't answer until he got in his side and drove off onto the street. "What do you think Toby would say to you if he saw you so sad?"
"He would feel guilty," she said without hesitation. And she knew she was right. He felt guilty whenever she was in pain, even more so when he thought he was the cause. But how could she let this go?
"Do you think you would react differently if he could see you?" Caleb somehow was asking the exact questions that would get her to think about her emotions.
"I would hold it in, because he should feel guilty about nothing. But it's almost like he could see it with these letters." When she started talking about the letters he voice dropped down to a near whisper. "He knew exactly how I'd react."
"Because he loved you." Caleb's voice dropped low enough to match her own. "I mean, it was almost disgusting," he laughed. "He always talked about you. Like always. And it was always with this disgusting tone of ooey, gooey love in it. Like you could tell he adored you by the way his voice and his face softened at the mention of you. You two had something that I can't even describe."
Spencer decided to try this new thing where she didn't burst into tears at the mention of her dead husband. "I always loved the easy way that you and Hanna could toss sass back and forth like a tennis match and then jump in bed together. It was equal parts envy-inducing and adorable."
He hesitated as he pulled into the hospital parking lot. "Spence, speaking of that, I need to ask you something."
"What?" She murmured, not really having the energy to speak too much. She kind of just wanted to go back to bed.
"I was waiting because of what happened with and Toby, but- but I um, I think I need to- I think it's time that I propose to Hanna."
A nervous Caleb was literally one of the most adorable things that she had ever seen. She fought to keep the smile off of her face, wanting to hear his question first.
He ran his fingers through his hair nervously. "Would- um would you mind? I know how hard that Toby's death has been on you, and I don't want to make it worse on you. Hanna and I will be fine if we have to wait a little bit longer. You're more important right now."
Where had she found the people that she called her best friends? They were literally the most incredible people on the whole planet. "Of course not! Ask her! We can all use a little bit of joy in our lives right now. And Toby would have loved it."
He nodded and pressed his lips together to suppress his emotion, because that's what Caleb did when he was going to do anything but laugh. He pushed it down so that he didn't have to be emotional in front of other people. Instead he glanced at his watch. "Your appointment is in 7 minutes. Are you ready for this, Spence?"
"Not even a little bit," she admitted as she climbed out of the car. She put a hand on her stomach as the gassy feeling bubbled up in her stomach again. If she raised this child she was going to have to get the little kicker into soccer or something.
Caleb jumped out of the car and hurried after her. He linked his arm through hers as they walked together through the hospital and up to the correct floor. "I am having a dilemma," he said with a tone that suggested that he was just trying to distract her. "Hanna told me a joke last night, and I don't get it."
"Why didn't you just ask her?" Spencer laughed.
"And give her ammunition to hold over my head for the rest of my life? No way. Okay so she asked me what you call an alligator in a vest. And apparently the answer was investigator. But like, I don't get it. Is she saying that detectives always wear vests?"
She snorted at his oblivious words. She wasn't sure whether he really didn't understand the joke or if he was trying to cheer her up, but she appreciated it either way. "IN-VEST-I-GATOR," she enunciated slowly.
His face was still blank as they sat down, but after a moment his face lit up. Apparently he really hadn't understood. "Oh my God, I feel like an idiot now."
Before she could respond a nurse stepped into the waiting room. "Spencer Cavanaugh?"
And with that all of her anxiety immediately came rushing back. She looked at Caleb desperately. "Would it be too weird for me to ask you to come back with me?" She didn't know if she could hold it together if she went alone.
Caleb studied her face for a moment before nodding. "Yeah, that's fine," he said slowly. He helped her up and put his hand on her back, propelling her in the direction of the nurse. Luckily she had the same nurse the last time she visited and had her breakdown, so the woman knew better than to question her too extensively.
The three of them walked into the ultrasound room where the nurse got her situated. "Dr. Burns will be in here shortly," she informed them before gliding back out of the room. Nurses always seemed like they were in a hurry.
She had never had an ultrasound before, but she had certainly seen one done before.
She sat near his head, running her fingers gently through his hair. Today they had basically done every test known to man on her husband, and it was literally and truly breaking her heart. "How are you doing, sweetheart?"
"I'm alright."
He was lying. He was lying through his teeth, but she wouldn't call him out on it this once. If he wanted to be strong for her she would let him. But there was no way that he was fine after an MRI and a spinal tap. She saw the needle that they stuck into his back. "I haven't ever had an ultrasound, but this should be the easy one."
"It always looks pretty easy on TV," he agreed.
"Maybe I can make it a little easier," she said softly. She stood up, too short to reach his face from her seated position, and leaned down to drop a careful kiss to his lips. "I love you Toby Cavanaugh," she murmured with her lips still brushing against his.
"I'm so lucky that I have you," he agreed. "I don't think that I would be able to get through this without you, Spence."
"Yeah right. You can do anything, superman."
He rolled his eyes as the ultrasound technician walked into the room.
Her loving eyes were colored by a renewed sense of vigilance. She turned to the technician. "What is this for, exactly?" She shot off in a voice that suggested that she meant business.
The woman looked up from the gel she was preparing like Spencer did her some kind of disservice by asking about the procedures being done to her husband. "Um, well this is to ensure that there is no swelling in his organs. Sometimes the cancer spreads before we catch it. And if, for instance his liver, is swollen it gives us indication that we should check there further."
Spencer nodded in approval. "Okay, and can you walk us through the process before you begin." She knew she was being a pain in the ass, but she wouldn't let anyone do anything to Toby without understanding it herself first. He was too polite to ask and too distracted to try to understand.
"I'm going to spread this gel on his stomach, is it okay if I do that while I explain?"
Spencer was going to protest, but Toby wrapped his hand around around hers, immediately silencing her. She turned to look at him, but he was looking at the other woman. "Feel free." He shot her a warning look immediately followed by a smile. Toby was great about the hug sandwich kind of thing. I love you Spencer, but you're being kind of a pain in the ass. Oh by the way, you're really pretty. A little pile of nasty surrounded by two morsels of goodness.
The woman began to run the gel into Toby's stomach. She felt him flinch, but when she looked at him questioningly he just shook his head. "Cold."
She didn't listen to the rest of the woman's explanation. It was more important for Toby than for her. An ultrasound was relatively harmless, which was literally the only reason she allowed her mind to wonder. She sat back on her chair, and he fingers immediately found their way back to his hair. As she watched the wand travel across his toned abdomen she was seized by a quick shot of terror. He had to get through this. She couldn't lose him.
He had to survive.
During the course of her emotional day dream her own doctor had managed to begin her ultrasound. "Spencer, I can tell you the sex of your baby with about 80% accuracy. Do you want to know?"
Did she want to know? She wasn't used to indecision, and she didn't like it. Knowing the baby's sex would give her something to hold on to. She could picture their face when it got hard. She could go buy them clothes when she felt depressed. But on the other hand, getting attached would make it more difficult to give the child up if that's the path she took.
Her friends and family had to be getting annoyed with her pregnancy related indecision, but until they were in her shoes they couldn't truly understand. She knew that she should make a decision about whether to keep the baby or not soon, but she knew herself. And because she knew herself she was afraid that she wouldn't be able to fully decide until she saw the baby's face. If all she saw was Toby she would know that the baby would have a better life apart from her. A life where they weren't second best. A life where they weren't a consolation prize. Because they deserved better than that. They deserved the world.
But if she looked at the child and saw it for what it was, a part of Toby that she got to keep with her together, then maybe she would be able to find it within herself to keep the child. Maybe.
Caleb's hand tightening its grip on hers pull her back from her emotional musings. "Yes," she decided at the spur of the moment. "Yes I do want to know."
Because if she gave the baby up, if she decided that she couldn't keep them, she wanted that child to have something from their birth parents. Something they could keep forever. And buying that present would be made much easier if she knew the sex.
Both the doctor and Caleb smiled proudly at her, causing her to blush slightly. It didn't feel like that big of a step. The doctor smiled at her and pressed some buttons on the machine, copies of the sonogram flitting through the printer. "Congratulations, Spencer. You're having a little girl."
A girl? God, she could only imagine Toby's reaction if he were here. His face with begin elated, and the panic and fear would flash through almost immediately. He would have been the best dad to their daughter. She took the sonogram from the doctor and brushed her fingers over the blurry outline of her daughter. Her daughter.
She heard the doctor telling Caleb that they could leave when they were ready, but she turned them out. Her eyes were trained on the first picture of her child. Her child. This was her child. Her child.
"Spence, you ready to go get that frozen yogurt now?" He asked her hesitantly.
She slowly ripped her eyes away from the picture. "Let's do it."
And she wasn't just talking about the yogurt. Not anymore. She lifted the picture back up to her eyes. My daughter.