Haha okay guys. I'm not going to bore you with too many words. But this is kind of funny. I was worried this chapter was going to be too short, LOL. no. It's actually one of the longest.

I don't want you guys to get too complacent with this story. More drama is coming. But if you read my other stories you know how I roll. Got to build them back up before knocking them down. SO don't think that your tears are over in relation to this story. Not quite yet.

Okay, happy reading! The reviews from last chapter were INCREDIBLE! I was grinning for days as they came in! Next chapter will be up when the story gets to 145, but like if you can get me to 153, tied with my second highest reviewed story, I will flip. And I will do something special. IDK what yet, but something! If you have ideas let me know!

Chapter 17

December

Hanna nudged her way between Spencer and Emily and linked their arms together. "Snow, angels, carolers... I love Christmas time!"

Spencer did too. She smiled softly and pressed her hand against her stomach, effectively connecting them all together. Her sisters and her daughter. The most important girls in her life. As they stopped and waited for the light to signal that they were safe to cross the street Hanna ducked down and pressed her ear to Spencer's belly. "Happy first Christmas Baby Cavanaugh. Be born so I can take you shopping and spoil you!"

Spencer laughed and swatted Hanna's head away. "Don't make my daughter materialistic before she's even born."

"There no avoiding it, Spence," Emily chimed in with a chuckle. "Your kid is going to be the most loved little girl in this city. And honestly, that kind of involves piles of presents."

She smiled and didn't answer that time. Because she had a feeling that her daughter would need all of the love that she could get to make up for what she's going to be missing from Toby. She shook her head to clear those thoughts away. Her first Christmas without Toby was going to be hard enough without dwelling on the hard parts of the future. One day at a time.

"Are we done?" Emily asked, looking between both girls.

"Um, I wanted to get one more thing-" Spencer said awkwardly. They might think that she's a crazy person.

"For who?" Hanna questioned, eager to get more shopping done.

"I think I want to get something for Toby. I know he's dead, but-" She trailed off, not sure how to complete that sentence and sound less crazy.

"No, I got you," Hanna said eagerly. "Let's go find the Tobe-meister a present. Maybe we could find him some kind of decoration for his gravestone?"

"No," Spencer replied immediately. She didn't clarify, because she would sound even crazier. She hadn't been to Toby's grave yet, and she had no plans of going any time soon. She was starting to accept that he was dead, she really was. But going to his grave would give it a degree of permanence that she wasn't ready to face.

"Okay, well what if we donated some money to charity in his name? Maybe some cancer foundation?" Emily suggested.

That was a decent idea, and she knew that was the kind of thing that Toby would have appreciated. "Um, that sounds good to me."

"What do you want for Christmas, Toby?" Shopping for him was always a pain. He wouldn't give her a real answer. He would tell her that he didn't need anything or something equally unhelpful. "And if you say nothing I might get you a thorough ass kicking. Don't do it."

He chuckled and wrapped both arms around her waist, pulling her carefully down into his lap. "But I really don't need anything. You're in college, baby. By definition that means you're broke. Save your money for something more important."

"You know that I have more than enough money. I have even more because you won't let me pay for anything," she laughed. He said it wounded his gentlemenly pride when she broke out her credit card. "And besides, there really isn't anything more important than getting you a present for Christmas."

"Yeah, well I love being able to take care of you."

It wasn't lost on her that had anyone else in the world said that, any single other person, she would have been offended and gone off into a feminist rant. But with Toby everything was different. Was it the loving way that he talk to her; like with every word he spoke to her he was caressing her with his calloused hands? Was it the fact that he was the only person in the world that she was sure would always love her no matter what? She didn't know. But what she did know was that Toby could get away with what was intolerable in most other people.

He chuckled and tucked a chunk of hair behind her ear. "I can see your mind working. Quit overthinking and just let me love you."

"I do," she sighed. "But how did this get turned on me? Tell me what you want for Christmas!"

"Physically, I'm not sure. Whatever you pick out, I'm sure that I will love it. But I was thinking, and I think I want to volunteer on Christmas morning." He was speaking hesitantly, like he was afraid that she might disapprove. What a beautiful idiot.

She slid off of his lap and onto the couch next to him. She might not be too heavy, but she was heavy enough that she would put his legs to sleep before too long. "What do you mean?" She half smiled and cupped his cheek with her right hand, lightly brushing out a circle with her thumb.

"My boss volunteers at the homeless shelter in Philly on the weekends, and he said that they're having a lot of trouble finding volunteers for their Christmas celebrations. And that they're going to have to cut back if they can't find people." He hesitated to take in her expression before continuing in a more rapid voice. "Listen, I know it's not the best timing, and I know that you want me to go to dinner with your family. But I think I can do both, and-"

Had he lost his mind? That was the only possible explanation as to why he would think that she didn't support this. "Can I come?"

His face lit up with the most outrageously adorable smile. "Are you sure? You'd really want to?"

"I want to be wherever you are," she said seriously, leaning upward to meet his lips with her own.

He brushed his lips over hers and pulled away again. God, she would do anything in the world to keep that smile on his face. Toby deserved all the happiness that life had to offer. His hand found hers and their fingers intertwined together like they were made for no other purpose. It had always fascinated her how well they fit together. Like two connecting puzzle pieces.

Toby dropped a swift kiss to her forehead, his lips lingering a bit longer than usual. "I just- I don't know. This were so hard for awhile, and now it feels like everything is getting better. I have you, I have my own place... Maybe it's time that I give back."

His blank, defeated eyes from the day that she found out about Jenna flashed unwittingly through her mind. They were a stark contrast to the joy and contentment that she saw now. "You're right," she said softly. They were so blessed. There were people out there who needed help, and if they could do something to ease their situation, especially around Christmas, then they should do it without hesitation. "I don't know if you know this," she teased, "but I kind of love you a lot. Like more than anything in the world."

He gently wrapped a hand around the back of her neck and pulled her head against his chest. He pressed his lips to the top her head. "I love you too," he murmured into her hair. "So much."

"Spencer? You're starting to space out more than Hanna did in Pre-Calc." Emily laughed and tugged on her hand to get her to cross the street.

"Excuse you! Someone has their rude pants on tonight. And it's not like you paid perfect attention in every class. I seem to remember Spencer doing your Spanish homework a time or two!" Hanna nudged Emily's arm.

Emily gasped, acting more upset than she really was. "Who cares about Spanish?! I know how to ask for the bathroom, and nothing else really matters. Besides, I think Spencer did everyone's homework once or twice."

"I can vouch for that," Spencer chimed in with a laugh. "The two of you were bad, but Caleb was the worst. What was his theory on Biology again?"

"That he doesn't need to know why a cell divides, just that it does," Hanna said. "But don't put too much weight on that. He uses that for everything. Last night I asked him why putting something in the microwave cooked it and he was like shut up it just does."

"You two are so sweet to each other." Emily said sarcastically.

"Has- has he done anything cute lately?" She winced at her obvious question, but how else was she supposed to word it? Caleb needed to just propose already before she accidentally spilled the beans. Spencer could keep a secret from literally everyone in her life but Hanna. The girl somehow was always able to worm the truth out of her.

And this was no exception. Hanna gave her a speculative frown. "What are you hiding?"

"Nothing!" Her voice squeaked at the end. Shit, if she gave this away Caleb was going to kill her. Damn it, bro just propose to your girlfriend already.

"Spencer, stop lying to me!" Hanna laughed, which was good; it was a clear indication that she wasn't all that upset.

"I'm not!" She internally grimaced. Sorry, Toby. She was going to have to break out the only card she had left. "My husband just died, Hanna! Excuse me for wanted to live vicariously through your adorable-ness."

Hanna hesitated in next retort, obviously trying to deduce how upset she really was. "He fed me pasta last night. Are we ready to go home?"

Spencer didn't respond to the second part of that question. She just turned around in the direction that they parked. "He fed you pasta? How Lady and the Tramp of you!"

"It was really adorable. My throat hurt, and he did what he usually did. He teased me and made a big deal about it. But he came back with a plate of pasta and fed it to me. It was super cute. When he thought I was asleep he kissed my forehead and carried me into my room," she laughed.

Caleb was a little bit adorable. It made her miss Toby, sure. She would always miss Toby when she was reminded of him. But mostly she was happy that Hanna had someone like him. They hadn't strayed too far from the car so it only took them for a moment to get back to it. Spencer climbed into the back seat allowing them to sit in the front. She was sad per se, she was just feeling introspective.

Everyone said that the holidays were the worst time for people who lost loved ones, but right now she was feeling stronger than she had since she lost Toby. Was it the letters? Was in the unyielding support of her friends? Was it the unexpected pregnancy that connected her to everything she felt like she lost? She didn't know, but she wouldn't knock the strength because she didn't know how long it would last.

The worst thing of all of this was that she was starting to forget things. She was starting to forget the way his hair felt as she ran her fingers through it. She was starting to forget the crookedness of his smile. The exact shade of blue that his eyes were was starting to allude her. She hated herself for forgetting these things. She hated that she couldn't hold on to them.

Sometimes she disgusted herself. If she allowed herself to think about it she became completely disgusted with the person that she had become. She would never be the same without Toby in her life. She knew that. But she put on a good show. She went to her doctor's appointments, she went shopping with her friends, she ate her dinner. But shouldn't she still be mourning? Shouldn't she have stopped heaven and Earth to mourn the loss of her brilliant, beautiful, perfect husband? Because that's what he deserved. He deserved people sobbing in the streets over his loss. He deserved a mile long line at his showing. He deserved to never be forgotten by anyone. He deserved so much more than what he got.

And this baby. God, this baby was coming; it was a fact that she became increasingly aware of as the days passed. Her stomach was ballooning out, and the morning sickness had finally stopped. She was noticeably pregnant. She had decided to keep her, but that wasn't without her doubts. Because God knew that this baby deserved so much more than her. The baby deserved Toby.

But more than anything she tried not to dwell on it. Because if she thought about it too hard it would destroy all the progress that she had made. She refused to regress. Especially with a baby on the way. She couldn't just think about herself anymore. But even more than that, try as she might to deny it, she knew what Toby would have wanted from her had he been aware of the entire situation. He would have wanted her to do everything she could to move on; if not for her sake, for the sake of their child.

Maybe she was still a little sad.

"Can we come up and wrap our presents, Spence?" Emily asked her hopefully.

"Is that code for asking me to wrap your presents for you?" Spencer asked, knowing full well that was what Emily was hoping for. She loved her friends, but they weren't so great at wrapping presents. They had this tendency to give presents in Walmart bags, which was tacky. She didn't mind helping them out.

"Maybe? I can drop you can Han off and go get coffees to make up for it," Emily smiled, knowing that she had her.

"Make it herbal tea and you have a deal. The doctor said that I should avoid caffeine." Worst suggestion ever. She was having coffee withdraw, and it sucked.

Spencer tried to grab some bags, but Hanna ripped them out of her hands. "No, you aren't going to hurt my niece. Let me carry them!"

She rolled her eyes but allowed Hanna to carry the feather-light bags. "I don't think that lifting something the approximate weight of a bag of feathers is going to hurt my child."

"No risks." Hanna looked at her from the corner of her eyes, trying to subtly study her face and failing. "Can you imagine how Toby would be reacting if he were here?"

Spencer snorted. "He was already horribly protective without having the pregnancy to worry about. He would legitimately lose his mind."

"I could just imagine him insisting on carrying you up the stairs and putting ice cubes in your hot tea," she laughed. "Toby was like the perfect combination of protective and independent."

He was. He really was. But before she could respond her eyes were met by a large, brown package sitting on her welcome mat. "It's Sunday. What the hell is that?"

Hanna shrugged as though Spencer had expected her to answer. Spencer walked ahead of Hanna and looked down at the tag. Her heart literally felt like it was being crushed in a vice.

"Spence? What is it? Who's it from?" Hanna asked her anxiously.

"It's from Toby," she whispered. She hadn't heard from him since Peru, and she honestly thought that this was done. She thought that was her last letter, and God, she wouldn't have blamed him if it was. She wouldn't have blamed him if he stopped there. He was so sick. He could barely talk, but somehow he managed to write her an innumerable amount of letters. But also, what better way to go out with a bang than sending your depressed wife on the trip of her dreams?

She felt Hanna take her keys out of her hand and deposit the bags in the apartment. "I'm just going to carry the box inside, alright, Spencer?"

Spencer nodded and followed quietly back into the apartment after Hanna, pulling the door shut behind her.

"Do you want me to stay, Spence?" Hanna asked softly.

She nodded, and moved to open the package. But she noticed a tape recorder duct taped to the side. Oh God. Oh my God. She carefully removed it and clutched the recorder to her chest. Oh Toby. It was like a weight was holding down her finger as she tried to press play. This was going to be hard, but she had to listen to it. It would help. For a second it would feel like she ripped open a wound, but then it would heal back over, stronger than it was before.

She pressed play and put it on the table so that she could rest her face in her hands.

"I bet you thought you'd heard the last from me, baby. And I'm sorry for that."

Even as she listened to his voice she could tell how much weaker he sounded. Pain was present in every syllable, and his words were breathless. Like he couldn't get enough air into his lungs. This had to have been close to the end. Why had he been thinking about her? Why hadn't he worried about himself?

"I didn't even realize that I was going to record this. I had a letter written for you, but then I realized that I needed to do this. This is as much for me as it is for you. Because I have some things to tell you. Things that are better said than written. Things that you need to hear. First, baby, I need you to not be afraid to move on."

Was he kidding? He had to have been kidding.

"I know that you won't want to. I know that you'll fight it tooth and nail. I know that you will, Spence. Because I know you. And to be honest, because I never want to lie to you, I don't necessarily love the idea of you with another guy. But if that's what you need, if that's what helps you to move on, then do it. Just make sure that he treats you right. Make sure that he loves you as much as I do. Shit, I should have wrote Caleb a letter asking him to kick anyone's ass who doesn't treat you well."

She couldn't stop her laugh at that one. Toby was a pacifist. He was a lover, not a fighter. But actually, if there was ever a time that he would kick someone's ass it would be in that situation. But he was crazy because that would literally never happen. She couldn't ever imagine a situation where Toby wouldn't be the love of her life, of her existence.

"Secondly, when I say move on I don't just mean in a relationship. This one I really mean, Spence. You need to do this. You need to let go. You need to take time for yourself. You need to let go of me and you need to do the things you love again. I'm sure you're making progress. I'm sure you're doing alright, but I'm equally sure that you're not quite there yet. It's okay to not think about me the entire time. It's okay to be happy. It's okay to laugh. I might be dead, baby. But you aren't. You didn't die with me. You're still alive, so don't be afraid to live your life. You would do me a greater disservice by not living than you would by constantly thinking of me. You'll be okay, sweetheart. I know you will. You're the strongest person that I know. Not only did you save me, but you also saved yourself again and again. Just hang in there. Keep pushing through this. We'll be together again, I'm sure of it."

She wiped away the tear that slipped from her eyes and turned to look at Hanna, who had a pained look on her face. When she looked at her questioningly Hanna shrugged inadequately. "I don't know, alright. I'm just really emotional, and this is like a flipping Lifetime movie."

Spencer chuckled and turned her attention back to the tape. Hanna was right, but a lot of her life with Toby was like that. He was a romantic. He thrived on stuff like this.

"Now, you're probably wondering what the purpose of this is. I'm sure you're looking at the big brown package in front of you."

How did he know? Maybe she had opened the package first. That was a bit presumptuous.

"Don't try to deny it. You know you ripped this recorder off first. You always have been like that. You force yourself to read the card or the note before you actually open the present itself."

Hanna laughed. "Oh, he's got you there, Spence."

"Did you really think I'd forget you for Christmas, baby?"

Kind of, considering he was dead. Who does this? Who meticulously sits down and thinks through exactly what the person they love is going to need after they die? What they're going to need to do, what they're going to need to hear? Toby did. That was who.

"Here's what I want you to do. I want you to pause this and open up the package. Then press play and I'll explain what it is. It's not much, I'm sorry. But I'm not really up for a lot of shopping right now."

She paused the tape and stared at the package for a second before ripping it open. Inside was a thin, rectangle wrapped in tissue paper. She gently removed the tissue paper to reveal a painting of Rosewood that was obviously done from the vantage point of their spot at Lookout Point.

"Where are you taking me, you creeper?"

"Did you just call me a creeper?" Toby chuckled. "What does that even mean? That I walk quietly? That I creep around?"

She laughed and lifted their intertwined fingers to her mouth so that she could plant a gentle kiss on his wrist. "No, that you're clearly taking me in the woods to murder me."

"Yep. That's exactly what I'm doing. Damn it, Hastings. You ruin all of my diabolical plans," he said sarcastically.

She smiled at him, knowing that he would never hurt her. But had any other man, or person for that matter, driven her down a dark, windy, gravel road in the woods at 2 am she would have been very uncomfortable. But with Toby she felt nothing but safe. "Well, I'm certainly glad that I foiled this one. I kind of like being alive."

He flicked on his turn signal pulled into the abandoned parking lot of what was clearly some kind of scenic overpass or park. He reached for the door, but paused and turned back to her. His eyes scanned her body, and for a second she thought that he was checking her out, but that thought immediately left her head as he shrugged out of his jacket and passed it to her.

She shook her head, trying to refuse it. He wouldn't catch a cold for her sake. But he wouldn't take no for an answer. He carefully wrapped the jacket around her shoulders with his feather light touch. He was always so gentle with her, always so careful. She loved him for it. She knew that she loved him, but she couldn't say it yet. Not until she knew if he felt the same way.

He took her hand and led her down a dark, wooded path. Little shots of doubt cracked at her feelings of security. Was this a good idea? "Toby...?"

He could obviously hear the apprehension in her voice, so he pulled her to a stop and turned to her. He flanked her face with either of his hands and waited until she was looking at him before speaking. "I would never do anything that would hurt you, sweetheart. If you want to go back we can, but I promise that everything's fine."

She just looked at him for a moment before nodding wordlessly. She really did love him. He smiled softly at her and grabbed her hand, leading her again. It only took a moment before they walked through the treeline. A gorgeous, panoramic view of Rosewood spread out below them. Toby pulled her down onto a large rock and sat down beside her. "I come here when I need to get away sometimes."

"Kind of like your field?" She asked him.

"Kind of. But this place feels even more special for some reason. When you're in Rosewood all you see are the little things. The monsters, the good people, your house, your friends' houses. But you never get the big picture. Up here you can look down and see everything. The town wouldn't be the same without every single piece of the puzzle, but you can't tell that from down there. You can only see that when you're up here getting the whole picture. Does that even make sense?"

She smiled and leaned her head down against his shoulder. "Perfect sense."

Spencer just stared down at the painting. Had he painted this himself? She reached out and pressed play on the tape, not taking her eyes off of the painting.

"Okay, so the painting. Remember all those times you dropped me off at support group? I was kind of ditching at the end and taking an art therapy class instead. They encouraged us to paint something meaningful to us, and this was what kept popping into my head for the longest time. I don't know why. I loved the view from up at Lookout Point, but I wasn't sure why that was what qualified as the most meaningful to me until I stopped and thought about it. One of the reasons that I loved the view so much was because it helped me put the small things in Rosewood into the bigger picture. And God, baby that's what I want to do here. Because I have to believe that there's a greater purpose to all of this suffering. I have to believe that something good is going to come out of this. I can't see everything yet, and neither can you. But in the end it will turn out alright. It just has too."

At that point tears were running down her face, and she didn't have to look at Hanna to know that she was crying too. Hanna had never been the most quiet of criers. How did he always know exactly what to say and when she needed to hear it? How did he manage to know her so well?

"The thing is, baby... I know the cancer was hard on you. It was hard on me too. The pain, the uncertainty, the tole that it took on you... it wasn't fun. But honestly, I will be eternally grateful that if I had to go that it was this way. That I had some warning. Because I got to do this for you. I didn't die suddenly, leaving you with a mountain of confusion and grief. I died slowly over the course of the year. I'm sure that had its pain and hardship for you. It certainly did for me. But I'm okay with what it cost me, because I got to help make my death okay for you. Because the thing is, I'm gone. I'm gone and I don't hurt anymore. But you're still there living with the loss. More than anything in the world I wish I could be there for you. I truly do. But since I can't, this is the next best thing. Hang the painting up. Look at it and remember me. Remember how much I love you, Spencer. Never forget that even for as brief a time we had together, you were loved more than any woman had ever been loved. I'm sure of it. I love you, Spencer. Now and for forever."

She felt Hanna's hand wrap around hers as the tape ended. She looked down at the painting and reached out to press play again. He said that it wasn't much, but she couldn't imagine something better. She couldn't imagine a better present or a more timely message.

She loved him so much, and she didn't think that was ever going to stop.