Okay, guys! This chapter is a bit different! It has January and February in it and is LONG. Next month is March, then the baby is due in April. Just to help you guys with the time frame.

The January part actually happens on New Years Even though, fyi.

I stole a line from Twilight in here and kind of reworked it a little bit. I used to be embarrassingly obsessed, shhh don't tell. Kind of embarrassing now. Also stole an Emison line. But like, it worked so well that I couldn't. Shout out in the next chapter to anyone who can point out both in their review and still leave a proper review :)

Next chapter will be up at 155 reviews! It's done, I just need to edit it. If it happens FAST I might not notice, because I'm super super busy tomorrow. So check late tomorrow night early Tuesday :). Love you all to the moon and back. You're incredible.

I feel the need to warn you that the tears will make a come back. I made myself BAWL writing a future chapter. I won't tell you which one.

Also, little plug. If you're bored and haven't yet, go check out my season 5 speculation story, Time Stands Still. It's kind of alright :)

Review!

Chapter 18

January

She sipped her non-alcoholic, sparkling grape juice and watched Caleb hovering over Hanna, trying to keep her from drinking too much. Two months later and the idiot was finally hoping to pop the question. Had he consulted with her Spencer would have told him that it was quite the terrible idea. Hanna enjoyed ringing in the new year as inebriated as she could manage. If he wanted Hanna to be sober when he asked her to marry him then he truly should have waited for tomorrow.

But far be it from her to stop true love from progressing.

"What's going on with them, Spence? Hanna thinks he's going to break up with her or something."

Spencer snorted. Hanna and Caleb break up? But the connection wasn't lost on her. She thought the same thing when Toby was trying to propose to her. Silly boys trying to do it perfectly. All that they wanted was to marry them. That was what was perfect. "Are you sober enough to keep a secret?"

"I've had two drinks," she said. "And it was like two hours ago. I'm good to go."

"Why aren't you drinking more?" Spencer was curious, because while Emily didn't quite subscribe to Hanna's New Year's drunken practices she did enjoy herself more alcohol than usual.

"I don't know. You can't drink, so I figured we could keep each other company. Toby's- not here. And I don't have anyone, so..." She trailed off awkwardly, shooting Spencer an apologetic grimace for mentioning Toby.

But she needn't have apologized. It's not like she didn't know that her husband died. The hardest part of it was knowing that the last year that she shared with him was coming to an end. It would be 2015 soon, and she was going into it alone. Toby would never get to see anything past 2014. It felt like the world should have stopped with his death, but it didn't. It kept going, and as wrong as it felt she had to learn to be okay with it. "Well you can be my date, Em," she laughed. "It'll be a nice change."

"Well, tell your date what's going on with our best friends."

Spencer glanced at Hanna and Caleb to make sure they weren't in earshot. "He's going to propose to her."

"What?" Her smile grew exponentially. "Are you serious? How long have you known?"

"About two months," she admitted reluctantly. "Caleb want to make sure that it wouldn't be too hard on me before he asked her, which was sweet and unnecessary."

"I don't blame him, Spence. You've been handling this so well, but there is still a chance that something will push you over the edge," Emily said softly as she put a hand on her knee.

"Oh trust me, I've cried more than I care to admit. I- I still wake up and forget that he's gone. It's all I can do to keep going sometimes." She hadn't mentioned that to anyone yet, and she hoped that Emily didn't think that she was crazy.

"I have a question, and if it's too hard for you to answer you don't have to," Emily said suddenly.

"You can ask me whatever you need to know." She wouldn't refuse Emily anything. That was the kind of relationship that they had.

Emily nodded and looked down at the ground. "When did you know that you wanted to be with Toby forever?"

Had Emily found a girl? Spencer smiled softly, really wishing that she could tease her. But she knew that Emily wouldn't respond well to teasing.

She looked down at her books. Unless someone went through college they truly had no comprehension of how difficult it was. Finals and note taking and reading massive books. It was time consuming, exhausting, and she was just all together done with everything. What did it matter? She could just drop out of school and be a hooker.

And furthermore, the library was the exact opposite of quiet. You would think finals week would be the best time to study in the library, but it wasn't true. You had the little sorority girls, the friends laughing together, and undergrads just being genuinely annoying. She had to get out of here.

She gathered up her books and carefully maneuvered her way through the crowded hallways. She scarcely avoided having a hot coffee dumped down her front by an oblivious freshman as she slid through the front doors. People were idiots. Maybe she would have better luck studying outside. Maybe she would feel like less of a failure in the fresh air.

But a failure she was. She couldn't even focus long enough to write one last paper. That's all she had to do and then her second year of college was behind her. She pulled out her History book to look for another source, but was distracted by rustling as someone sat beside her. She looked up, prepared to give them a piece of her mind, but her mood took a immediate turn for the better when she saw that it was Toby. "What are you doing here?" She whispered, scarcely believing it was him

Because between his job and her studies they hadn't seen each other since March. It was far too long. Her entire body was vibrating with the desire to throw herself into his lap, but she needed to see what he was here first. It could be bad news. But she doubted it. She doubted he'd be here, sitting next to her on a bench, and smiling like that if it were something bad.

"I missed you," he said, just as quietly. Their words lingered only between the two of them, like they were trapped in their own little bubble, like no one else in the world could see or hear them. "I needed to see you. I know you have finals, but-"

"No, this is perfect. I- God, I missed you so much." She looked at him for a moment longer before practically throwing herself into his arms.

He caught her easily, pulling her trembling frame into his chest. "Are you okay?" He suddenly became concerned. She must have still had that air of defeat about her. Toby had always been able to effortlessly feel her emotions.

"Just a brief moment of overwhelming anxiety and defeat," she said candidly. There wasn't any use in lying to him. He always saw right through her. "I'm alright now that you're here."

"What was wrong?" He asked her softly. He ran his hand over her hair in a way that always made her heart flutter like a cheesy romance movie.

"Just feeling a little inadequate. Before I came here I always felt like the smartest person in the room. But now I feel like every one here is smarter than me, and I don't know- I just felt like giving up." She sighed and buried her face deeper into his chest.. "I love you."

"I love you too, Spence. But you have to see that there is no one smarter than you, no one better than you. You are literally the best person that I've ever met." He kissed her temple and drew her closer. "These UPenn snobs have nothing on you," he said softly.

Her heart swelled with love for him at his passionate declaration. He was wrong, but he truly believed it, and that meant more to her than anything else he could have said. She wanted him. She always had, ever since that first coffee date. But now? God, she couldn't imagine her life without him. No one else would have been able to cheer her up so quickly and effectively. No one else could make her heart soar. There was no one else in the world for her but him.

"Want to go back to my dorm?" She whispered. She wasn't necessarily asking him to do anything with her. She just wanted to be alone so that they could cuddle without feeling like they were on exhibition.

He smiled her favorite soft smile and stood up, holding a hand out to her to help her up. They walked together toward her dorm. But if felt like more than that. It felt like they were walking together toward the rest of their life.

"God, Spencer. Only you could make a panic attack and totally innocent flirtation sound so poetic," Emily laughed. "But thanks. I just- I don't know, it's hard to admit to yourself that you love someone."

"It is," she agreed softly. "It always is, but it's also so worth it. I may have lost Toby, but I wouldn't change a single second of our life together. He made me feel loved, valued, and like the most important person in the world. It was worth it. It was worth all of this pain, because he was everything to me."

"I have this friend- her name is Maya. I didn't tell you about it, because I thought it'd be hard for you, but now things are escalating, and I think- I think that I might love her," Emily's voice got lower the more that she admitted.

Spencer sighed and brushed her hair back and out of her face. "Listen to me, Em. Losing Toby was hard. It was the hardest thing that I've ever done or will do, but I still want to live, okay? Don't ever be afraid to come to me with something this significant."

Emily opened her mouth to respond, but she was interrupted by a God awful screeching from across the room. "Yes! Yes, you idiot, yes!"

Spencer smiled as Hanna jumped into Caleb's outstretched arms. She wrapped her legs around his waist and he twirled her around in a circle.

"Looks like Caleb finally found his balls," Emily laughed.

Things were looking up.

February

February 14th. Valentine's Day. For one hundred percent of her life she had hated this day. She had an issue with the commercialization of love, certainly. But her greatest issue was the way that it made people feel. Those with relationships were condescending about their status. Like being in a relationship made them a better person on Valentine's Day. And single people became insecure to a near maniacal state. Valentine's Day sucked.

This year was no exception. She was fervently upset about Valentine's Day every year, but this year was different. A day specifically dedicated to love was really hard when the person that you loved had been gone for several months. She missed him. She missed they way that he woke up in the morning with breakfast in bed. She missed the way that he always brought her flowers on Valentine's Day, even though she told him not to. God, she just missed him.

Most days she could push Toby to the back of her mind. It's like he lived in a little corner of her heart, but most of the time she could ignore him. She could forget about the pain, and she could go on with her life. It wasn't that she didn't love him. She loved him so much that it hurt. That's why she had to forget about it. It was the only way that she could function.

She slid through the apartment door with her head down. It had literally been the longest day ever. Not only because it was the dreaded Valentine's Day, but also because she had to leave Toby. Ever since he got sick she literally dreaded the days that she had to let him out of her sight.

Emily had come to stay with Toby while she was gone, but it wasn't enough. She didn't want to baby him, but she was literally terrified every second that he was out of her sight. She trusted Emily to take care of him, but she trusted no one to take care of him as well as she would. Furthermore, the doctors had her terrified. They continuously told her that he could take a turn for the worse at any time. What if he got worse while she wasn't there? What if she couldn't help him?

"Spence, hold on."

Spencer hung up her keys and turned to Emily questioningly. Emily smiled at her. "Just indulge him, okay? He was really adorable and worked hard to make this a good day for you."

"What are you talking about?" She asked hesitantly. "Is he alright?"

"He's better than I've seen him in a long time. And he's really excited. I-" she laughed nervously. "I tried to talk him out of it. I know how you feel about Valentine's Day, but he said half the fun would be in pissing you off."

Spencer laughed. She chugged a half a glass of water and put the cup in the sink. "That sounds like him. Is he in the bedroom?"

"He is. I'll let myself out." Emily put a hand on her shoulder before sliding through their front door.

Spencer smiled at her friend's departure. As soon as she was gone she spun on her heel, through the hallway, and into the bedroom. "To-" she began, but her words were lost in her throat as she took in the bedroom.

"Do you like it?" He asked softly.

She couldn't immediately answer. Her eyes roamed the room taking in the five vases of flowers arranged on the dresser, the assortment of candles on the bedside tables, and iPod dock that was softly playing her favorite classical music playlist. It was all perfect. "I- Toby, I-" She didn't even know how to verbalize how perfect it was.

But he knew what she was trying to say. He always knew what her heart was saying even when she couldn't quite speak the words. He smiled and walked across the room to her. She vigilantly watched his steps, but was gratified when they were smooth and strong. He really seemed to be doing alright. His hands landed on her shoulders and slid down her arms until he reached her hands. He slowly interlocked their fingers together and brought one of their conjoined hands up to his mouth, pressing a gentle kiss to each of her knuckles. "I know that you don't like Valentine's Day- but I woke up this morning and I was feeling good. You've been so great, Spence, just perfect in every single way. I know that I can get through this as long as I have you. And I just wanted to do something nice for you."

How was she supposed to voice her moral objections to Valentine's Day after that cutesy little speech? She straightened up as far as she could and gently kissed him. He might have been feeling alright, but she didn't want to exert him too much. "I love you more than anyone has ever loved anyone before."

"Well, you're almost right," he murmured, brushing his nose against hers in his signature move that made her knees weak. He smirked as though he knew the exact reaction that inspired in her. "Em and I also picked up some bubble bath. She said it was your favorite... We could start there if you wanted."

"Start?" She questioned with a raised eyebrow.

He smiled and tucked her hair behind her ears. "You didn't think that this was all I had planned for you, did you?"

Their locked fingers weren't enough contact anymore. She let his hands go and wrapped both arms around his waist, tucking her face into the crook of his neck. He responded immediately by pulling her in closer. She sighed and let the love and contentment work through her overly stressed body. "This is perfect. Just being here with you. How long can we stay like this?"

He pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "How about forever?"

She pulled a pillow tightly against her chest. Her eyes squeezed shut as she tried to contain her tears. It's not what Toby would want. Getting upset wasn't good for the baby. But the harder she tried to calm herself down the more upset she got.

She didn't want materialistic things. She didn't want flowers or chocolate, she just wanted him. She wanted him to hold her and to wipe her tears away. She wanted him to press his face to her stomach and try to talk to their daughter. She wanted him to be there to go to doctor's appointments and taking birthing classes with her.

She just wanted Toby.

Most of the time she was able to push down her more desperate emotions, but not today. Not on the day that was dedicated to love. For so long Spencer hated the commercialized aspect of it. She hated the insecurity and superiority that it inspired in people. But she was slowly starting to see how wrong she was. Because that stuff all came from people who's relationships weren't on the same level as hers. Toby and she didn't only express their love to each other on Valentine's Day. They didn't make other people feel bad for being single. They just lived their lives saturated in the love that they felt for each other every day, including Valentine's Day. The holiday was just an opportunity to eat chocolate and cuddle, which was fine with her.

She should have realized that earlier. She was content to just lay there and dwell in her pain and regret, but her hopes were dashed at a persistent knocking on the door. She through a sweatshirt on, because she wasn't wearing a bra, and trudged through the apartment, opening the door.

"Delivery for Spencer Hastings?" The voice came from behind a massive bouquet of flowers.

"That's me," she said in confusion. "Who are they from?"

"Anonymous. But I think there's a card in there somewhere." The disembodied voice of the flower man explain to her. He slid around her, somehow able to see, and sat them on her table. "But the anonymous person wasn't lying when they said you were very pregnant. Is this okay? You probably shouldn't lift them yourself."

"This is great, thank you." She said softly, starting to suspect what was going on.

The flower kid walked out the door, and as soon as he was gone she searched the flowers for the so-called card. She found it behind a large peony and ripped it open.

"Spencer, I couldn't not send you flowers on Valentine's Day. I know how much you love it. That was sarcastic, by the way. Not sure how well it translates onto paper. Anyways baby, I love you. Forever. -Toby."

She closed her eyes and clutched the card to her chest. His timing was always so on point. She pulled the paper to her lips and allowed it to linger there for awhile. She couldn't kiss Toby, but his fingers had once touched this paper. And that was good enough for now. Forever.