I did a little reader service here haha. There wasn't any Spencer's POV in this chapter, but I literally got 6 reviews asking for this over the last couple chapters. Well not exactly this, but this is as close as I can get. Enjoy :)
Also, I'm so glad that none of you guessed who was delivering the letters. I thought I gave it away a few chapters ago, so I'm glad to know that I was wrong!
OKAY ALSO, guys I have my first big girl job interview tomorrow and I'm FREAKING OUT. I want this job so badly! Send me prayers, happy thoughts, and reviews! PLEASE!?
This was fast, yes I know, but so were your EPIC REVIEWS! Long reviews that tell me exactly what you liked about the chapter are literally the best in the world.
Ummm so about the TFioS quote, I'm not going to say who got it right because I just realized what a MASSIVE SPOILER that was. But what I will do is send you guys a small sample of the next chapter in the next day or so. You know who you are and if I forget for some reason remind me!
Chapter 20
SPOV
She felt nothing, and then she felt everything. She felt the sweat trickling down her brow, drop by drop. She felt the nervous, irregular beating of her heart. She felt the goosebumps erupting along her exposed skin. She felt everything with a renewed sense of awareness. That's why she could scarcely miss it when two gentle hands wrapped around her upper arms and hauled her upward.
Her eyes blinked open, and at first she could see nothing but a blinding, white light. The world slowly came into clarity and the first thing she noticed was his eyes. The blue that was not done justice in photographs and video. The clear, azure that stole her heart from the moment that she first clearly saw it. The color that she was so afraid would slip through her grasp and be lost to her.
Toby.
"Is this a dream?" She breathed.
He nodded, smiling softly; but it didn't quite reach his eyes. "It is. You'll wake up soon, but we should have a minute or two together first."
"W-what happened?" She stammered. This may have been a dream, but it was more than she could have ever hoped for. It was more than she thought that she'd ever get again. She was content to stay here forever.
"You were in a car accident," he said quietly. "It wasn't too bad. You'll be fine, but-"
"The baby," she whispered. "Oh God."
Toby's hands framed her face like they had so many times in the past. "Listen to me Spencer. We don't have much time, so I need you to listen to me and to hear me." He waited for her to nod before continuing. "You are so much stronger than you think you are. You've done beautifully, baby. You've done so well. But it's not over yet, okay? Our daughter- she needs you. I can't be here with you two, and it kills me. It kills me. I didn't think that leaving you could be any harder than it was, but leaving you and our child is the worst thing imaginable. I wish I could be there, but I can't. But you can."
She wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her face in his chest. "I still miss you every day."
His hand methodically ran through her hair. "I know, sweetheart. I miss you too. But we'll be together again; just- just not right now." He took in a shaky breath. "You have to go now."
"I don't want to leave you," she whispered through the tears that were now coming heavily. "I don't want to be alone."
He pulled away and brushed the back of his hand over her trembling cheek. "Don't be silly. You know that I'm wherever you are. I'm always there, Spence."
She closed her eyes, relishing in the feel of his skin against hers, but when she opened them again he was gone. She was in a hospital bed with the bright light shining down on her.
"Spencer!" She didn't have to look to know that was Hanna. "Spencer, shit, I'm so sorry. I'll never make light of your aversion to storms again."
"The baby?" She asked softly.
The happiness on Hanna's face faltered slightly, which gave Spencer all the answer that she needed. "Um- they're not sure how the crash effected her, but what they do know is that you're going into labor."
She rolled over onto her side and stared at the plain brick wall. She wouldn't move, speak to, or look at anyone until she knew that her child was okay. She had to be. A contraction ripped through her stomach, and she clenched her teeth to bite down a scream. She was only five weeks early. She would be okay. She had to be okay.
EPOV
Her fingers froze and the phone slipped out of her stiff hand as Hanna gave her the news. No. Damn it, that baby was the only thing keeping Spencer going. That and Toby's incredible foresight into what his wife would need.
Emily snagged her keys off the table and ran toward the door in a sprint, but right before reaching the opening she skidded to a stop. No, she needed one more thing. She ran to her room and pulled a crisp, white envelop from between her box spring and her mattress. She traced the letters that he so carefully penned out during his last days. 'When I Should Be There to Hold Her Hand..."
Even now emotion snagged in her throat when she thought of the lengths that Toby went to to make his death okay for Spencer. It was beautiful, poetic, slightly morbid, and mostly just proved that true love never dies.
The day he told her what he was planning she thought that he was crazy. But somehow he was right. He was always right when it came to Spencer.
"Hey!" She walked into the hospital room, smiling when she saw that Toby was up. He was going home soon, but not because he was feeling better; because he was worse. The doctors thought that he was dying. Spencer refused to believe it, but she jumped at the chance to take him home, and Emily was honestly glad. Toby seemed to thrive when it was Spencer taking care of him.
"Em," he smiled and beckoned to the chair next to his bed. "I'm really glad that you're here. I had something that I needed to ask you."
"Anything," she agreed readily. Toby had been one of her best friends for most of her life. Now that he was in trouble she couldn't imagine refusing him anything.
"Don't agree so quickly," he chuckled. His laughter was punctuated by a painful sounding cough.
Emily frowned and looked around. Her eyes landed on a pitcher of water by the sink. She pulled herself to her feet and poured him a glass of water. The gratitude on his face when she passed it to him was ridiculous. There was something about Toby that made you kind of want to just curl up in a ball and cry. Life had dealt him basically the shittiest hand possible. He went from being repeatedly assaulted by his psychotic step sister, to the death of his mother, to getting cancer. But he was still so, incredibly good. It was like life threw all the cruelness it could at him, but nothing could harden his soft and gentle heart.
She smiled softly and lowered herself back onto the chair that was so typically occupied by Spencer. "Where's Spencer? I don't think I've seen her away from you since- I actually don't remember the last time."
He got the same look on his face every single time that Spencer was mentioned. His entire body relaxed and his face lit up with an unparalleled sense of joy. She could only pray that one day someone would look at her the way that Toby looked at Spencer. A small, fond smiled tugged at his chapped lips. "I kicked her out. She needed to sleep, and she won't do that here."
Emily understood Spencer's urgency. She denied it with her words, but her actions showed that she understood what the rest of them were seeing. Toby didn't have much time left. Losing him would be hard, but she couldn't imagine how difficult it would be for Spencer. "What did you need to ask me, Toby?"
"Yeah I-" He scratched the back of his neck, trying to figure out how to word what he needed to say. "I- God, Em, I don't want to leave her."
He didn't have to clarify for her to know that he was talking about Spencer. "Hey," she murmured and rose to sit on the edge of his bed. She gingerly placed her hand on top of his. "Maybe everything will still be okay. Maybe you can still beat this."
He shook his head. "No. I can't say this to her because it will scare her. I don't want her to be scared. I never want to upset her, but I can't stop this. I will keep fighting. But something feels different now. Something feels- wrong. I don't think that I'm going to win this time."
"Oh Toby," she said softly. "You-"
He shook his head again, cutting off her words. "I didn't say that to make you feel like you need to comfort me. I said it because I need you to understand. When I die she- Spencer- isn't going to handle it well. She's going to close herself off, and there's nothing I can do to stop it. But maybe since I see it coming I can help her."
"What do you mean?" She wasn't sure where he was going with this. No matter what he did his death was going to be devastating for Spencer, for all of them. Toby was their moral compass. The one whose goodness shined no matter the circumstance.
"I've been writing her letters. For holidays that I'm going to miss and situations that might come up. And I have a couple of ideas. Things that she might need after I'm gone, things that she wouldn't do for herself. I- I just don't know how to say goodbye. But I think this is an okay start." He looked at her hopefully, like all he needed was her encouragement.
She wasn't sure that it was a bad idea, but she also wasn't sure that it would have his desired effect. "W-what about when the letters run out?"
He paused. "Spencer's strong," he said slowly. "She doesn't see herself clearly, but she is so strong. She will get through it with a little help. I hope by the time she gets the last letter she'll have realized that strength." He smiled ruefully. "She'll have you and Hanna to help her."
"What are you asking me here, Toby?" She still wasn't sure why he was telling her this. Did he want advice? Support? What?
"Will you deliver the letters? I- I mean I can mail them. But it would be better with someone on the inside. Someone who knows when she needs them." He could sense her hesitancy because he continued on immediately. "Please Em," she could hear the tears in her voice and that was when she knew that there was no refusing him. She would do whatever it took to keep him happy. Especially if he was right and his days were drawing to a close.
But he continued before she could agree. "I- God, I don't know how to explain to you what I feel for her. She just is everything to me. Everything. If I lost her I wouldn't be able to function. I would just- I would be done. I wouldn't want to live anymore. And to think that I'm about to do that to Spencer, the girl who literally and truly saved me more times than I can even tell you. She gave me a reason to live, and now I'm going to unimaginably hurt her. I know it's not on purpose, I know, but shouldn't I do everything that I can to ease that hurt?"
"Okay," she whispered as soon as there was a lull in the conversation.
"Really?" He asked her in disbelief, like he hadn't expected her to agree. When she nodded his face lit up with a bright grin. "Thank you so much."
She arrived at the hospital in record time. Or maybe it was in the normal amount of time. She was lost in her memories, so she wasn't quite certain. She didn't even remember leaving her car. All she knew was that the letter was clutched to her chest. She didn't know how to help Spencer. She was certain that Hanna, Caleb, and her parents were equally at a loss as to how to help her. But maybe Toby could.
She had to get the letter to Spencer. She didn't care if it blew her cover. Her job was nearly done, anyway.
As she rushed through the hallways she immediately became lost in the memories of the most romantic, loving thing that she had ever experienced.
"Toby, this is a terrible idea." She tightened her grip on his arm. She damn well wasn't going to let him fall. "Spencer is going to kill me."
"Spencer is in class, and she thinks that we're having a Harry Potter movie marathon. She'll be none the wiser." He reached out and pushed the door open for her, despite the fact that he was having trouble even staying on his own two feet. Always the gentleman.
She caught the door with her hip and supported him as he limped through the door. The longer he lived the weaker he got. But she could still see the fight in his eyes. He would hold on until he finished this; of that much she was certain. He wouldn't go until he knew that Spencer would be okay.
He stumbled but managed to keep his balance. She sighed and released his arm to wrap both arms around his waist. "Will you at least let me get your wheel chair?"
"I'm alright," he replied, spotting the travel agent that he had made an appointment with. With each step he took he allowed Emily to support more and more of his weight. She could have done this on her own, but he was stubborn until the bitter end. He wanted to do it himself.
"Mr. Cavanaugh?" The perky brunette looked up from her papers as Toby sat down. Not at all to her surprise the woman started to tear up when she looked at him. "Mr. Cavanaugh, I read your email a number of times, and I can honestly tell you that this is truly the most beautiful thing that I've ever been a part of. Your wife is a lucky girl."
He shook his head without hesitation. "I'm the lucky one. Can you help me?"
"I've already built a trip to your specifications." She passed a sheet of paper to him. "Can I ask why you chose Peru?"
Toby looked at her, but before he could even ask she took the sheet and quickly skimmed over the meticulously drawn up plans. She knew that he wanted to do this on his own, but his vision wasn't the best. The cancer was slowly eating away at his body. It wouldn't kill him, one of the complications would. It was just a matter of time before they figured out which one it would be.
Everything seemed to be in order. As soon as Toby saw her nod of approval he turned to the woman. "My wife, she deserves the world. She deserves everything, and I'm not going to be able to give that to her. But ever since she was a little kid she always talked about going to Machu Picchu and walking through the ruins. This I can do for her. This much I can do."
The woman snagged a tissue out her desk drawer and loudly blew her nose into it. "I-I'm sorry. That is the most beautiful thing that I've ever heard. I'll draw up the tickets and mail them to you."
Emily shook her head, injecting for the first time. "Mail them to me." She slid a piece of paper across the counter. "This is my address."
"You're the owl?"
She couldn't help but laugh at the woman's Harry Potter reference, considering what they told Spencer they were doing this afternoon. "That I am."
She helped Toby up, and they walked together toward the door. It might have been her imagination, but Toby felt stronger this time. Maybe doing this for Spencer would be as good for him as it would be for her.
"Can I borrow you phone?" He asked her softly after they were both settled into the car.
She handed to him without a second thought. As she pulled out onto the highway she heard his call go through.
A ghost of a smile appeared on his wasted face. "Hey Aria. I have a favor to ask you."
Emily breezed through the hallways and burst into the room that Hanna had directed her too. The first thing she noticed were Hanna and Caleb. Caleb was pressed against the wall, a pinched look of distress coloring his typically easy going face. Hanna sat on the bed next to Spencer, trying to reason with her. "Spencer you need to let the nurses help you. Please Spence, this can't be good for her."
But Spencer didn't respond. Hell, if Emily couldn't see the soft rise and fall of her chest she might not of realized that she was even breathing. Without warning an anguished cry rose up from Spencer's throat and her body visibly tensed. Contractions must be incredibly painful.
Emily had to blink back tears as another memories forced its way through her emotional mind.
A cry of frustration broke the uneasy silence. Emily looked up from her book uneasily, unsure of what had caused Toby to make such a noise. Was he in pain, or was he just frustrated? "Are you alright?"
When he looked up from his crumpled up piece of paper she was alarmed to see tears streaming down his face. In the weeks since he had returned home his health deteriorated rapidly. It wasn't so much due to his returning home as it was just the cancer taking his tole. The tears tore their way down his hallowed out cheekbones and bounced off of his formerly toned chest. "I can't do this. Damn it, I just can't do this."
"What are you talking about? Maybe I can help." She was sure that it had something to do with Spencer, so she doubted he let her do anything, but she couldn't help but try.
He shook his head and threw the ball of paper at the wall. His toss had no strength behind it and the paper fell to the floor just past his bed. "This is the second to last later I have to write to her, but for some reason it's so much harder. I want to put it with her Christmas present, but- Damn it, I don't even know. There are some things that she needs to hear, things that I need to say. But they're impossible to translate onto paper. How am I supposed to tell her how much I love her? How is she supposed to know that I don't blame her for moving on one day if I write it?"
"Do you still have that voice recorder?" She suggested gently. "You could say it. It wouldn't be perfect, but it might be better than a letter."
He looked at her thoughtfully before nodding in agreement. "It's worth a shot. Can you get it for me? It's under the bed."
She nodded and reached around under the bed until she found it. She took it out of the box and inserted a tape before handing it to him. He gave her a grateful, albeit shaky, smile. "Em, do you actually mind-"
"You don't even have to ask," she interrupted. "I'll be in the living room if you need me." She grabbed her book and walked toward the door. Before leaving she turned to him, the unease balling up in her stomach. "Toby?" She murmured, turning around at the last minute.
He looked at her questioningly. She chewed on her lip, unsure of what she even wanted to say. She just knew that she had to say something. "You're one of the best friends that I've ever had, and- I don't know, I guess I just thought that you should know that."
"Same to you, Em." He said while he fiddled with the tape recorder.
She just looked at him for another second before walking out of the bedroom door and perching on the couch. She could hear the low tones of Toby's voice as she read her book. It was soothing, almost like a quiet song on the radio.
Just as Toby's voice stopped, Spencer walked through the front door. She brushed her hair away from her tired eyes and gave Emily a questioning look. "How is he?"
"He's- um, he's upset." When she saw the panic in Spencer's eyes she immediately backtracked. "He's alright. He didn't get worse or anything. He's just- I don't know, sad maybe?"
Spencer nodded and gave her a halfhearted, smile of thanks. "Thanks for spending time with him, Em. He really loves you."
Not half as much as he loves you. You just wait for it, Spence. But she couldn't say that. She just smiled and walked toward the door knowing that what Spencer really wanted was for her to leave so that she could go check on Toby. Before walking out the door she took one last glance at the apartment, and caught sight of Toby through the bedroom door that Spencer was opening. Any semblance of sadness or distress were gone as soon as he looked at Spencer. She had never seen two people as in love as them, and she doubted that she ever would again. Maybe they would be okay. Maybe Toby would beat this.
She didn't know it then, but that would be the last time that she saw Toby Cavanaugh alive.
"Han, Caleb," she glanced between her two friends. "Could you give us a minute?" She suddenly knew what she had to do. She knew what Toby would want for her to do.
Caleb acquiesced to her request immediately, walking toward the hallway like he couldn't escape the depression that was saturating the room fast enough. But Hanna was harder to convince. She remained in her spot, looking at Spencer like she was crazy. "Han, please. Seriously, this is the right thing."
Hanna studied her face for a long moment before nodding. "I'll be right in the hallway."
She watched Hanna's back as she walked away, and once she was sure that they were alone she turned to Spencer. She walked forward a few steps knowing that this was either going to help or it would earn her a punch to the face. Either way, she knew that it was worth the risk. "Spencer, I need to tell you something. And I'm a little worried that it might make you hate me."
That had Spencer's attention. She still didn't talk, but she turned to look at Emily, the question obvious in her eyes. Emily bit her bottom lip and slid the letter out of her back pocket. She passed it to Spencer and immediately looked down at the ground. If she were going to get punched she wanted it to be a surprise. She didn't want to see it coming.
"You?" Spencer breathed. Her words were punctuated by a painful sounding gasp.
Emily put her hand around the back of Spencer's neck and carefully began to massage the tensed up muscles. That's what Toby would do if he were here, and that's what Spencer needed right now. "It was me. And let me just say, getting these out of your apartment without you noticing was quite the challenge. When I sat with Toby one day he approached me with the idea and I could refuse him. He was- so thrilled at the idea that he could help you through this from beyond the grave. Do you remember when he started to feel better? There was a day or two in there when he almost seemed like his old self."
She could tell from her wince that Spencer remembered the days that she was talking about. "Well, Toby came to me right before that happened. And I firmly believe that the thought of helping you was enough to give him that strength. You were what kept him holding on for so long. You have to see that, Spencer."
Spencer still didn't talk. She just looked up at Emily hopefully, so she continued. "He planned everything so meticulously. He wrote out when I should give you what, wrote several copies of the letters just to ensure that they were all legible, and he even went to the travel agency himself. I know that you might not want to believe it Spence, but it's true. You were the strength that Toby needed to fight his cancer."
She glanced down at the letter in Spencer's death grip. "And Spence- t-that's the last one. There aren't anymore. I was going to wait until after the baby was born to give it to you, but I think that you need it now."
Spencer stared down at the letter, her trembling finger tracing Toby's words over and over again. Emily was at a loss of what to do now. She wished that Toby were here more than ever. But maybe that's what Spencer needed to hear. "I know that he's physically gone, but God, Spencer there's no way that a love like that ever dies. He's still looking out for you. He's still here. You just can't see him. But I drove by the accident site. I saw Caleb's car. The fact that you're alive is a miracle, let alone conscious, coherent, and about to give birth. He's still looking after you."
She took a deep breath before continuing. "And your daughter? She'll be okay. I know that, because I saw the way that Toby loved you. I saw the way that his eyes lit up every single time that you walked into the room. It didn't matter if you had been gone for hours or even minutes. As soon as his eyes were on you his smile lit up his entire face. If he was mad or sad it only took one look at you to dissolve all of that. He would have done anything for you, and he proved that time and time again. That same love will, without a doubt, extend to your daughter. He might never get to meet her, but he will still look out for her. That little girl has got the best angel on her side already. She'll be fine."
"I wish she had him," Spencer whispered so quietly that Emily had to strain to hear her.
So did she. But that's not what Spencer needed to hear. Think like Toby, Em. "That little girl is not going to have any shortage of love, Spencer. I'm not supposed to tell you this, but Hanna already has a closet full of things for her. She was planning on setting up the nursery while you were in the hospital. And I'm pretty sure I'm going to be the best aunt ever. But don't tell Hanna or Melissa."
Emily eyed the letter in Spencer's hands. "Do you want me to stay while you open it?"
Spencer nodded, so Emily settled back on the bed, holding onto Spencer in the only display of comfort that she could manage right now. Because if she talked she would cry. Emotions were running so high right now. That little girl had to be alright. She just had to. They were all depending on it.