"Take this time to realize that you always shut your eyes in the midst of trial, and everything is always right – and I think that it's time – this battle must be won – but you pushed it aside – pushed it aside pretend that it's gone."
Circle by Paramore.
Chapter Seven: Circle
A faint clicking noise followed by a bright flash causes my eye lids to flutter open – hesitantly – only to slam shut again.
I take a breath and brace myself again – when I hear someone chuckle – as I open my eyes again to crane my neck.
My focus comes to me slowly – my room isn't lit well enough – but the silhouette is unmistakable.
"Eren," I whisper out as I feel arms tighten softly around my waist – nearly jumping before I recall Mikasa climbing into bed with me the night before – as I look up red faced at him, "what are you doing?"
"We just got back," he loudly whispers – possibly afraid to awaken Mikasa – as he edges closer to my bed, "and I have blackmail now," I can partly see his grin and nearly flinch when he flicks his phone screen giving me a view, "mom used to say you two shared a bed at times and now I have proof."
It takes me a moment, but as the light becomes less irritating as I see an image of us sleeping – Mikasa and I – it looks harmless enough except –
"Oh no," I whine softly in shock.
"Oh yes," I can hear the smirk in his voice as he turns to look at the image giving me a better view of his face, "no one besides you, Mikasa and of course Ymir knows how you got that bite mark – so if you don't want anyone to see it you're gonna have to do my chores."
I swallow thickly about to move but I sigh instead.
"Fine."
"Huh – just like that?"
"Yes," I breathe out feeling a ping of annoyance as I whisper hiss at him, "we wouldn't want people to assume that me and Mikasa were sleeping around now would we?"
"God you're moody in the morning," Eren huffs as he puts his phone in his pocket, "don't worry I was teasing you anyways but you should hurry and get up," his voice is still in a whisper and I can almost suspect that he is in fact scared of waking Mikasa up, "Mom is making French Toast and will need my help so be a lovely dear and wake Mikasa up."
"I knew it," I giggle out before covering my mouth with my free hand stiffing it before glaring at him with a smirk, "you're afraid to wake her up."
"Who wouldn't be it would be like releasing the Kraken only messier," he points out as he backs away nearing my – open – door, "that's why I'm leaving the task to you."
Before I can utter a word of protest Eren grabs the door handle shutting the door – quietly – behind him as he goes to help Mama.
"Coward," I grumble as I steady myself a moment.
Lightly – and still in her arms – I turn my body to have a better view of her face thanks to the sunlight seeping through my window.
"She looks so...peaceful," I hadn't seen her look like this in a really long time – so it warms my being into knowing that – and I almost feel guilty for having to ruin it.
"Mikasa," I whisper softly as I maneuver my arm in-between our bodies and gently trace out the features of her face with my index finger, "it's time to wake up."
Her brows draw together as her lip quivers slightly – with what I hope is a feathery sort of touch I sooth it – unable to contain the coo emanating within my chest.
"Mikasa," I whisper again, "it's time to wa – "
I am silenced as she moves her body – craning her neck just so – as she captured my mouth with her own. I'm pretty sure my eyes are the size of saucers and my heart is hammering away so hard that I might faint – but I try to keep my grip on things because I notice the way her eye lids stay shut and how her hold loosens on me.
"Five more minutes," she sighs softly once she pulls away and places her head back down on my spare pillow.
And then she is out like a light or she wasn't awake at all.
I swallow thickly and without thinking lick my lips.
Somehow I manage to detach myself further from her as I slip out of my bed, grabbing a random shirt laying on my floor, putting it on and make the short distance to my door.
The heat within my cheeks expands as I peer over my shoulder – once I grab ahold of the door nob – just to sneak one last peek at her sleeping form unable to contain the twitch in the corner of my mouth as a smile schools my features.
"I love you, too," I breath out recalling what she said to me last night as I open the door, slide out and close it with a soft click behind me.
I descend down the stairs within moments as I make my way to the kitchen remembering that Eren had mentioned French Toast.
I felt my mouth water the moment I enter the room and smile when I see Mama flipping the cinnamon squared goodness and nearly laugh when I see Eren covered in the batter.
"Don't you dare laugh," Eren scowls as he cracks more eggs.
"I don't know what you're talking about," the snickering is barely audible but that doesn't suppress the smile on my face.
"How's your shoulder," he shots out hotly as he drops the yoke into the bowl and gets splattered.
"What's wrong with your sister's shoulder," Mama finally pitches in as she places the newly made toast on a plate already holding a decent stack.
"Uh," heat rushes to my face a moment before I regain my composer shooting Eren a glare before looking at Mama – a sigh escaping my lips as I do, " Ymir had a nightmare and accidentally bit me."
I pull my shirt to the side as proof and I bite my lip to contain my smile as Eren simply gawks at me.
"Thought I wouldn't tell the truth did he," or well some form of the truth as I look back at Mama who walks over to me – motherly instincts kicking in – as she lightly touches the mark.
"Hmm," she hums as I wince – it did not go unnoticed by her – as she retracts her hand, "I'm sorry my little love it doesn't look so bad – though Ymir must have had one nasty night terror to do that to you."
"Yeah," I reply lamely as I fix my shirt, "where's Papa?"
"In his study," Mama murmurs as she walks back to the stove, "he already ate if that is what you're wondering."
"Oh," I mumble before perking up, "breakfast almost done?"
"Yes," Mama chuckles as she looks over at Eren, "hurry with the batter now I have four more squares left."
"I'm finished with it," he huffs out as he stand – grabbing a hold of the bowl – and walks over to Mama with no further words.
"I can see that dear," Mama muses as she taps his nose, "I swear you wear more of it then actually help make it."
"Well I'm no cook," he grumbles with a scowl settling in his features, "besides it's usually Mikasa or Sasha helping you with preparing the food."
"Once upon a time your father helped cook as well," Mama quips smiling as Eren looks at her with wide eyes, "go wash up dear and speaking of Mikasa where is she?"
"Still sleeping," I answer willing the blush threatening to over take my face away, "she didn't wake up when I called her."
"You mean she is still dead to the world on your bed," Eren grins as he walks to the door leading into the living room.
"Your bed," Mama asks me with a hint concern flashing in her eyes, "did you have a nightmare last night?"
"I did," I murmur before clearing my throat, "she stayed with me to make sure I didn't have another one."
"I'm glad to know that," Mama smiles softly before looking at Eren who was still standing by the doorway, "since you're still standing there why don't you go wake up your sister – nicely – after you wash up."
"But why can't Sasha do it," Eren whines as he looks at Mama, "I mean she is sleeping on her," he points at me, "bed after all."
"And I asked," Mama points at Eren with a smile, "you so please do it."
"Fine," he huffs grumbling other words under his breath as he walks out of the kitchen finally.
"So are you ready to eat your break – " Mama goes to ask me a question only to pause when we hear someone yelling.
"WAKE UP YOU USELESS LAZY BUM," followed by the sounds of footsteps running down the stairs and out of the front door.
"I swear that boy has no common sense," Mama huffs out looking annoyed for a moment as she stacks French Toast on a plate placing it in front of me, "I was going to ask if you are ready for breakfast," she smiles this time as she prepares another plate, "also your father will be waiting for you after you are finished."
"Okay," I hum out as I pick up the fork beside me – and then to proceed to look around.
"What are you looking for little bear," Mama asks as she went back to the stove to add more French Toast to the frying pan.
"Syrup," I nearly whine earning a chuckle from Mama who is now shaking her head.
"I knew I forgot something – go look in the pantry I'm sure there is a bottle in there."
"Alright," I huff out as I heave away from the table only to swagger back and bump against something – or someone I realize a second later as we end up sprawled on the floor with the person protectively wraps their arms around my waist.
"Trying to kill me already," Mikasa muses in her sleep slick voice causing my heart to leap into my throat as I turn to look at her.
"No," I wince out as I adjust myself straddling her waist failing to notice how her hands resting softly on my hips, "you just surprised me and walked in at the wrong time," I grumble out as I fold my arms over my chest.
"So that's it then," Mikasa chuckles out – with a rasp – causing me to squirm and blush at the same time.
"Are you two going to lay there or are you going to move outta the way," Eren mocks as he stands there in front of us – causing me to jump off of Mikasa who is blushing faintly.
"Sorry I caused an accident," I smiled weakly as I moved away from them hurrying to the pantry just missing the smile on Mama's face as I went.
Once I grabbed the syrup I walked back to the table, opened it and proceeded to poor my sorrow down on my toast.
"Geez got enough sticky stuff there," Eren huffs as I slide the bottle to him.
"I do," I smile as I begin to scarf down the food with no further thought – all the while ignoring the heat within my body every time Mikasa brushes past me for something.
X
After I finish I wash my plate, give Mama a sticky kiss on her cheek causing her to laugh and then make my way to Papa's study.
Which I have currently been in eyeing the box with my name on it.
"I wonder what's inside," I muse as I shift my gaze to look at Papa who is still writing away in the leather journal that is usually associated with me.
"Papa," I call out feeling both nervous and willing, "are you ready?"
"Just a moment," he smiles as he continues to scribble the last sentence – before placing his pen down – looking up at me, "now how would you like to begin?"
"What do you mean," I ask as I raise my brow at him, "are you going to ask me a buttload of questions and I answer them or are you saying I can take charge of this session?"
"Buttload Sasha," Papa laughs before shaking his head, "and I figured you would like to share how you have been feeling – how things are with Ymir and your sister – or even tell me who this Levi is and how you feel about her."
"I'm guessing Mama mentioned Levi," I point out as I get comfortable in the chair.
"She may have," Papa smiles before looking more professional, "now would you like to share on this – or skip over to something else."
"I'll share," I huff out feeling annoyed, "I met her when I ran into Connie – we talked briefly – and then I saw her again the same day things got better with Ymir – again we talked briefly – and then two days ago we sparred and exchanged numbers – we have coffee plans tomorrow."
"I see," he muses, "and how do you feel about her."
"I – ," I hesitate a moment before straightening up, "sometimes I don't really know how I feel about her – there is this feeling of familiarity with her and sometimes I compare her to Mikasa – compare the easiness in being around Levi with how it is to be around Mikasa and there is confusion."
"Confusion," Papa presses sounding intrigued, "why do you feel confused."
"I – I dunno really," I begin, "I feel this flutter in my chest and then I begin to feel guilty like I'm betraying someone," I know who but choose not to say it, "and then I feel like in getting to know Levi that I start to compare her to Mikasa – like I said a moment ago – and then the attraction I feel like it could be misplaced somehow like I'm picking Levi over – " I pause or rather stop when I feel the words on my tongue – this was something I've been trying to avoid this entire time.
"So you feel like your misplacing your attraction or move over that you are pushing your attraction to Levi – who in more way than one makes up for the lack of contact you've had with Mikasa?"
It takes me a moment but I realize that he hadn't said 'your sister' which causes me heart to halt. Does that mean –
"Sasha," Papa murmurs softly, "it's okay to have attractions that don't always make sense."
"But what if it makes perfect sense," I ask as I bring my knees to my chest as I look at the floor, "what if it doesn't to anyone else but it makes sense to you."
"Then all that matters is that it makes perfect sense to you," Papa answers causing me to look up the floor to see him smiling.
"You think so," I ask as I manage a small smile.
"I do," he nods, "it made perfect sense when I fell in love with your mother – speaking off the record of course."
"Of course," I repeat smiling at him before sobering up, "is there anything else you wish to know?"
"Hmm," he hums out as he rubs his chin a moment in thought, "how has your sleeping been lately?"
"It's been okay lately but," I hesitate a moment before sighing,"I've been dreaming again."
"You mean – your life before here when you were in the orphanage."
I nod feeling sick to my stomach as I look at him.
"You know your mother, brother and I all went to Dauper, correct?"
"Yes," I answer solemnly as my gaze shifts from him to the box then back to him, "how did that go if you don't mind me asking?"
"It went – well," he mumbles before shaking his head, "we went to Maria's Hope."
The name sent shivers down my spine as I look dead at him.
"Oh?"
"It's still under funds to keep the grounds open but they closed it two years ago – we were able to salvage your belongings from the time you were there does the name Braus ring a bell?"
"It was my name before you legally adopted me," I answer going over what he said before tilting my head feeling relief, "what do they plan to do with the orphanage?"
"They'll be tearing it down sometime this summer," he answers before turning to the box – pulling the lid off – and retrieving a file from it ," do you remember having any relatives?"
"No, all I remember from before was life in the orphanage."
"That's correct," Papa nodded as he opened my file up, "your mother and father – Mackenzie and Bo Braus – died in a fatal accident that spared the lives of their two children ten year old Philip Charles Braus and you," he pauses as he looks at me and then back at the file,"one month old Sasha Daniella Braus – you had a grandfather named Walter Reiss who was your Mother's father but he was to sick in his old age to care for a child and an infant which is how you and your brother ended up in the orphanage."
"I don't remember any Philip," I murmur as I feel the muscle in my jaw tense, "did you say his middle name was Charles?"
"Is Charles – he was adopted sometime after you ended up here."
"By who?"
"I wasn't able to find any information other than the fact a family took a liking to him and soon he was off far away or so I was told."
"Okay," I answer before forcing myself to relax – for some reason that name caused my skin to crawl and my heart to hammer in fear – I don't understand why or maybe I do.
"Would you like to see what's in the box?"
"You mean there is more than just files," I half joke as Papa looks at me, "uh – sure," I answer a moment later, "why don't you pull the stuff out?"
And so – with a nod – and no further questions Papa proceeded to pull out various items from the box: a worn out green scarf, a tattered baby blanket, handful of small dolls and pictures.
"Seems there are a few pictures in here with you in it that I was able to take with us."
I nod my head as he hands them to me – without a word – I look through them.
It feels almost surreal as I look at my younger self gazing at my life before at how happy I look and then I notice a constant - children who were always with me. There was a boy – older than me by two to three years – with short blond hair and bright blue eyes always with his arms wrapped around my shoulder protectively, along with a girl with long brown hair – wearing glasses – who would be holding me also with a bright energetic smile, and another boy shorter than the blond and brunette but taller than me with short black hair would also be with us too. He had this mopey look on his face but would appear to be smiling whenever he was near me.
"You remember them," a soft voice in the back of my head calls out, "they loved you very much."
"Erwin," I say with a small smile moments later when the name comes to me, "the blond's name is Erwin," I glance over to the brunette and smile broadly, "she's Hanji and – " I pause a moment when I look at the boy with short black hair, "he's – his name is Rivai."
For some reason that name seemed off and as I look at him my heart breaks – the sense of familiarity with him is so strong that it's heart breaking.
"But why doesn't his name fit him?"
"Yes," Papa sighs while opening up another file, "Erwin Smith, Hanji Zoe and Rivai Mercer were all three years your seniors but took a liking to you because – "
"I was often bulled," I finish, "if not by the other kids then by the staff – especially the cook when I'd ask for more food."
"Was he the one who hurt you?"
"Hurt me," I ask as I look at Papa, "hurt me how?"
"Sasha," Papa sighs again, "need I read the hospital report out on the day we found you?"
"You mean when Mikasa found me."
"Hospital report," I question, "I thought my file said I was Malnourished and that I had an acute case of Hypothermia because it was during the middle of December when I ran away?"
"That's – that isn't the only reason we took you to the hospital Sasha," Papa seemed hesitant as he looked down – no longer looking like the man I've come to know as the one who simply observed and cared for me – no this man looked broken in a way as he looked up, "you were abused – sexually – and it took awhile to bring you back from the trauma of it."
"Is this a joke," I ask trying to smile – even though I feel my heart drift down to my stomach with the weight of reality falling on me.
"Abuse of any kind is nothing to joke about," Papa frowned as he looked at me – studied me with his doctor persona.
"I don't remember," I answer honestly even though I feel like the barrier I've created to separate then and now thin out.
"That's because you suppressed it – you've suppressed it to the point that hypo therapy wouldn't work – do you remember Doctor Hilreguard – he tried for seven weeks with no progress."
I vaguely remember the nice man who would dangle a medallion in front of my face as I kept my focus on Papa.
"So the things that I don't remember – that I've blocked out are due to the trauma the – uh," I pause as I swallow thickly as a hint of my old accent resurfacing, "the abuse caused?"
"That would be it."
I just nod my head not knowing what to say – it makes sense even if I can't or simply don't want to remember.
"Was that why you and Mama were hesitant on adopting me?"
"No," Papa answered simply, "we were worried about your health and where you were at physiologically before the decision was made to adopt you dear – we loved you the moment we saw you never doubt that – we were just concerned for you the abuse you endured had nothing to do with our choice."
"Okay," I sigh before smiling, "that is good to know then."
"I'm sorry," Papa mused after a moment, "I didn't mean to shock or surprise you this way I just – I've been trying to find a way to tell you for years but your mother kept saying it wasn't the right time – and I've come to realize it never it but you needed to know dear."
"I uh – I understand."
"Is there any resentment or hatred you feel towards your mother and I?"
"No," the slowness of my answer is there but I just shake my head, "I mean it is a lot to take it – but I don't remember it even now so I mean I don't hate or resent you for telling me or from Mama who kept it from me to – you guys did it to protect me right?"
"More like Mama did," but I don't have the heart to say that.
"I – well yes it was to protect you."
I nod my head.
"So are we done here?"
"If that is what you want, yes."
"Okay," I answer as I yawn, "I think I could use more sleep."
"Alright dear," Papa smiles sadly before glancing down at the floor, "oh before you go I have something for you that was suppose to go in the box."
"Hmm," I hum out as I look at Papa as he stands and walks over to me – I don't see what is in his hand but the smile on his face is sincere.
"The old woman who ran the orphanage said this was your Christmas present back when you were five – that you got it three days before you ran away, " he places a wore out stuffed animal – a brown wolf – in my hands, "she said it was from an older boy named Charlie."
I look at the stuffed animal – a heaviness sets in the pit of my stomach – as dread wraps it's lovely little arms around me.
"You were always his favorite," the words ring out loud and clear ,"his favorite little Sasha."
I swallow the bile rising in my throat – unyielding and cruel – as the room begins to feel smaller.
"Sasha," I hear Papa call out to me – he sounds distant, "Sasha," he calls again, "Sasha."
"His favorite – his favorite – Little Sasha is his favorite!"
My heart is hammering as fear touches my senses my body shaking as my chest rises and falls rapidly – I can't breathe I'm trying to breathe but I can't.
The room gets smaller still – I'm seeing spots – the room is spinning as words echo in my mind and a face of a young boy – teenager – with short brown hair smiles at me.
"Sasha it'll be okay."
"Sasha you know that I love you."
"Sasha it won't hurt I promise."
"You know you're my favorite girl right, Sasha?"
"His favorite – his favorite – Little Sasha is his favorite!"
"Sasha, come back," a soft familiar voice whispers to me in my ear, "come back to me."
"Mikasa," I think lamely as I try to gain focus.
"That's it," the voice calls again, "breathe with me – inhale a breath and then exhale – you almost have it."
I close my eyes a moment – getting a feel of where I'm at – I'm sitting upright my back is pressed to someone's front and there is a hand firmly pressed on my front.
"Breathe with me," the voice – Mikasa's voice – murmurs again in my ear, "follow my breathing you almost have it I swear."
There is sorrow in her voice or worry I'm not quite sure as I open my eyes.
The room is less spinny but it doesn't sit well with me. So I close my eyes weakly focusing on how Mikasa's chest rises and falls – how her heart beat is going steadily – though I feel it pick up a few paces before slowing down.
I swallow slightly – once I feel calm enough – feeling clammy and overall tired.
Before I can voice this I feel a small prick on the outside of my thigh.
"Was that really necessary," Mikasa growls out – to Papa I assume – as she shifts me from sitting on her lap to cradling me slightly in her arms.
"She was having a Panic Attack Mikasa," Papa grunts sternly before sighing, "what I gave her should help her sleep it off – "
"But why was she screaming like that," Mikasa shouted – for the first time – as she held me closer looking down at me looking sad and confused as she wipes my bangs out of my face, "she's only screams like that when she has her nightmares."
"I'm afraid something triggered her memories – or I did," Papa mumbles again sounding distant, "I had to tell her the truth – something only your mother and I knew about."
"You did this to her," Mikasa scowls or so I assume as I try to focus on her despite the fact I begin to feel numb my senses dulling as the minutes pass by.
"I'm sorry," a voice – Papa's I think – says simply leaving the conversation at that.
The last thing I remember before succumbing to the drug Papa gave me was the sad look on Mikasa's face.
"Please don't leave me," I thought briefly and then everything went black.
Author's Notes: And end scene!
This probably raised more questions than answers so feel free to ask them I will explain as much as I can or am willing to admit until we get to Chapter Eight.
I did add some fluff or light fluff and wanted to warn everyone that we will be saying goodbye to a character next chapter, but to who are we saying goodbye to? Either way it'll be heart breaking and will push Sasha into making a questionable decision also but what?
That will be revealed Chapter Eight and I hoped I nailed a Panic Attack properly or how Sasha handled that situation as Grisha mentioned her sexual abuse.
Anyone like my brief mention of Erwin, Hanji and Rivai ( come on everyone should know who Rivai is and as to why that name doesn't feel right to Sasha.)
As for everything else I'll see you in Chapter Eight – you'll have to wait a few days though for it.
Review appreciation time:
Sonic2196: I was surprised also – but then again as I was typing chapter Five I had a starter on chapter Six and was equally happy and shocked that I finished it so fast – as for this chapter it took some time – a lot of time because I tried to work the words right and the reaction to some of the truth. I hope you found some joy this chapter though.
Soi Yo: Last chapter was nice and not a lot of people like Annie in this story, but thank you for the review!
CanaanAlpardForever: Mate, that was a tribute for you so I'm glad you enjoyed it – their won't be fluff for a few more chapters, but when their will be it will be with Ymir or Mikasa around – and Jean, Connie, Armin, Eren, Levi, Erwin, Hanji, Mina and Annie – but just not yet. I'm glad you and everyone else did enjoy it and I hope this chapter wasn't to bad?
Chaosrin: I just – I just love you – this is because you are always spot on with your reviews and you point things out that not a lot of people do which makes me feel relieved because nothing goes unnoticed. As for this chapter I hope it wasn't to bad for you or to anyone really as we begin to understand Sasha more – or to understand when she will use that superhuman strength, just not yet – though it will show next chapter and then sometime down the road again it will be mentioned.
M: I am pleased to know this and sorry if this chapter was terrible for you. - bows to show thanks -
RyuravenFox: I do have plans for a Sasha x Annie spar – along with a Mikasa x Sasha spar so that will happen I promise! As for the date plans they will be mentioned Chapter Eight – I hadn't mentioned them yet because next chapter is suppose to start out sweet and end up tragic – despite the knowledge Sasha has gained this chapter.
JonWithAnH: I think I mentioned the method to Annie's madness to you briefly – and as for Connie well he is a lovable dummy head! Haha, Sasha does keep a lot to herself and it is hard for her to ask for help which is why Ymir doesn't know about Annie being an asshole or about the other nude Annie sent Sasha. Ymir would rip her head off and I need things to play out the way I see them – thank you man for the review and chats that I forget to respond to!
Anak7: A lot of people hate Annie and will love her in the end – for now she will be hated a lot. As for everything against Sasha – the worst hasn't happened yet.
Guest One: Mikasa knows of the bite mark – Sasha mentions it when they pick her up – I do believe or at least I think I mentioned that – as for the tension it'll be like that for a while – thank you for your review by the way!
Rosiema: Yes Connie left it open and out there for the world to see – aha and I'm glad I wanted a chapter for everyone to feel happy because of all the feels I'll be releasing with this chapter and the chapter to follow- thank you for sticking with me thus far though.
Tamahiko Mikoshiba: Mikasa is clueless to this – and her relationship to Annie isn't as it seems – so yeah aha, but thank you if Mikasa knew of this there would be one hell of a fight on Annie's hands but then again Sasha hasn't exactly gotten her backbone yet. C:
RED TIGER SKUNK: I had light fluff before everything going down hill for Sasha if that counts? And it is fitting because it makes Ymir more dorky and lovable with awkward boners :D
Guest 2: The glorious Mikasasha will come all in good time I still have a plot to play out before steamy smut and fall out before feelings are revealed and yes. Thank you my silent reading friend.
Anyways thank you all for the views – we're over 2,500 now! - reviews, follows and favorites you guys are amazing and I'm grateful to have you.
Everyone knows that I don't own the show – just this random plot to get my lovely girls together somehow.
Cap'n Lynn is sailing off now leaving my love for you guys,
P.s I still make mistakes I'll go over them when I can – thank you for reading thus far.