It was strange at first to touch Sonny again. Will had gotten used to feeling like he was invisible and dull, so the look in Sonny's eyes came as an oddity, as something to be corrected, maybe.
Their first night together, in Jame's apartment, with some music coming from the door, loud and repetitive, as if James wanted them to know he couldn't hear them, Will was feeling like a virgin again, unsure and clumsy. His hands remembered Sonny, though, what made him react, how to make him moan. Sonny was fully there and not at all, his eyes closed, his breathing almost off each time Will touched him. But when Will had stopped, not knowing what to do next, Sonny had opened his eyes and there was hurt in them, and hope. He had started working on the jeans and Will had helped him. Their hands had touched and they couldn't go on, they were trembling so much. It was only when Will let the tears fall, quietly, that Sonny had let his fall too and that's when the love and the intimacy had come to the surface.
They had made love by heart, playing the notes of a score they had played many times before. Will was back home that way, back to his innocence. But he knew it wouldn't last. He was different now and so was Sonny.
So the next night, they had tried new things, new ways of moving, new caresses and Will had felt his body vibrate and take flight. He felt like an adult, like someone who mattered, someone real. Here he was, with his new work and his new strength, Sonny's equal. Now, he could offer him something, he could do more than daydream.
"So, you want to stay here with James? I'll understand if you want to, I mean we've never..."
Sonny stopped and Will brushed his cheek. It was cool and firm. He knew what he meant and all at once, it came back to him, all these cold nights, weeping, missing him, in the decaying room, in his devastated heart. His living conditions had improved, he had found a confident, but in his chest, the hole was still there. Even Sonny's body next to him, his leg wrapped up around his, his chin on his chest, even that wasn't filling it.
He stayed silent a while. Not to make Sonny wait, but to make sure, to make the right decision, for once. To take control of his life. His bedroom was dark but he could make out the book on the nightstand, the small drawer with just the essentials. He hadn't bought anything he didn't really need. The room was his, he paid rent, but he didn't inhabit it,if he left now, there would be no trace of him.
He opened his mouth to say they should wait. They should date, taking things from the start and see where it would lead. But the hole in his chest didn't agree. He sighed and turned on the pillow. His gaze on the wall.
"Will?" Sonny had changed the way he talked to him. He used to be sure, to show him he cared and wanted to protect him. But now his voice cracked easily. He sounded afraid. He sounded in need. And Will heard that need and felt his whole being mirror it. Sonny was here, now, because he couldn't be anywhere else.
So Will said "We could find a new place. Here in Chicago. If you don't mind commuting." Sonny moved his head. Will didn't want to look, not yet. There was no music tonight. James must be sleeping. Was he betraying him?
"What about Salem?"
There were other questions hidden in this one. What about their families? Adrienne and her incapacity to let go. Will's relatives judging him until proven wrong... And Will still felt they weren't in the wrong, not really. He had been too trusting, he should have used his brain, his questioning skills. He who always tried to see the good in people, couldn't forgive himself. Sonny was enough. Maybe he could get used to him first, just him, then he would see.
"I need time." Sonny nodded, his chin pressing on Will's sternum. He got up and switched the light. The box was on the floor, displaying Will's devotion.
Sonny knelt and took the Valentine's card out. He opened it silently. Will put his head on his hand. He had learned to wait. His lover's naked body was just a few feet away, out of reach but he could get him to come back. He would just need a word. He didn't use it and Sonny whispered "I re-read it. Every night. It was next to my pillow. She took it when I was at work. I was staying with them because my studio smelled like you." He lifted his head and found Will's eyes. Will didn't dare move. He was stocking all that, filling his chest with what Sonny was giving out. "I was angry again. At me for acting like a fool and at you for disappearing. I was like you were dead. And I couldn't even mourn you, no one let me. Except Abby, so I lived with her and aunt Jen for a while. And then with Chad."
He went back to the bed and handed Will the card. Will put it on the nightstand and for the first time it felt like a home. He looked at Sonny sitting next to him, his eyes big and sad. "I don't have a home anymore, if it's not with you. We'll do whatever you want. Just never leave me like that again. Even if you don't want me anymore, I need to know you're alive, so that I can breathe."
Will lift the cover and Sonny's shoulder pressed against his again. Will wrapped his arm around him and put his chin on the clavicle. It was cold. Will had turned off the heat, he only used the room to sleep anyway. He could turn it on. Instead he snuggled against his boyfriend and whispered "Then let's look tomorrow. Somewhere we can both commute from. Where we'll be safe."
James looked sad when they told him. He was eating Sonny's pancakes and his face looked ecstatic a second ago. Will was grateful but he didn't have any guilt left to feel. So he put his hand on his friend's and explained he would still work for him.
They found the place just after noon. It didn't feel cold and the walls were a bright yellow. Will had vetoed wallpaper. Sonny hadn't asked why. He was very subdued and that worried Will. He wasn't the only one who had been broken.
They spent the rest of the afternoon shopping, looking for a parting gift for James. It was Sonny who found it. Will thanked him with a kiss and he saw two lights appear in his eyes.
"We could look for a bed now?" "Well, I still have mine in storage." It was settled. Will's first time was inscribed in his body and it was tied to Sonny's bed.
Sonny had invited to dinner once. They had talked a lot, their hands playing together, their eyes filling with lust, but they hadn't done anything about it. Will knew it was because of him. He had never done it before. Then on another date, after a movie, Will asked, shyly, if they could have some coffee. Sonny smiled and said 'Sure, I can open the shop.' and Will looked at the floor, his face burning so much he wondered if the theater curtains would catch fire, and asked if Sonny had some at his studio, even decaf. Sonny had refused to answer until Will would lift his head. He hadn't played or flirted, just asked 'Are you sure?'
Will felt so safe hearing that, so looked after, that he had nodded. He trusted Sonny, with all his being. And Sonny had taken his clothes off, slowly, laid him on the bed and kissed every inch of skin. Will had melted from pleasure. From that day on, he felt warm all the time, from Sonny's mouth, from Sonny's eyes. And every night they lay together, getting warmer and closer, whether in that bed or another.
They called Abby and Chad in the evening but asked them to keep it to themselves. Even Jen wasn't to know, not yet. Will felt his stomach contrast just thinking about them.
Sonny had to leave on the next day, for the shop and to start packing. Will was about to ask James if he wouldn't mind if they didn't spend time with him in the evening and just stay in his room but his friend told him he was going out. Will thanked him with a smile.
They snuggled on the couch, with a blanket to be even more cozy. This time Sonny was more eager and covered Will with happy kisses. Will purred and only had them retreat to the bed when Sonny started undressing him.
He didn't sleep much. In the light of dawn, passing through the half-open curtains, he contemplated Sonny's sleeping form, making provisions for the week to come. He had a future, now, a real one. A warm one.