The night directly after the shooting had been a difficult one and both Rachel and Santana had had nightmares, waking up at the same time clinging to each other in the small hospital bed. Their parents had never left their sides and it was nice to know that they cared but the whole ordeal was emotionally crippling for Rachel and she wasn't sure how to handle it at all. But then the morning came and Rachel was being released from the hospital and given some Valium to help her settle and sleep. She didn't want it though, she didn't want their painkillers even though she knew it would help with the pain in her ribs.
For the first time since they had met Rachel and Santana had exchanged phone numbers because they knew their parents wouldn't let them stay together now, they were being made to go their separate ways and were taken out the back exit of the hospital to avoid the reporters waiting for them looking for an interview or confirmation that they had in fact seen it all. The entire walk out of the hospital Rachel had clung to Santana and was dreading letting her go.
"Let me know when you're home safely," she whispered to the taller girl. She felt protective over her and just needed to know that she was okay and that Tyler hadn't somehow escaped custody and tried to finish off what he had started.
She wasn't sure what anyone else at the school would be saying but she knew that she couldn't step foot back in those hallways when all she could see was the blood and hear the sounds of the gun being fired. She needed to be in the safety of her own bedroom and have the comfort of knowing that her fathers refused to have firearms in their house purely because of how dangerous they were and they didn't believe in the ownership of them for anyone outside of police officers. When both families reached their cars Rachel hugged Santana in a bone crushing hug, reluctant to let her go.
Santana had never in her life felt genuinely physically unsafe. That was not to say that she was without fear; despite her outside exterior, she was actually very much afraid of many things in her daily life. Getting kicked off the Cheerios and slipping down the social ladder at school, becoming a "loser" or having people see that deep down, she genuinely was one; gaining weight and becoming unattractive; going through life without anyone ever loving her; losing Brittany and her acceptance and approval of her; but mostly, people seeing through her mask to know that she was a lesbian, to know how deeply she felt about Brittany, and how small and weak she sometimes really felt. But all of these fears were absolutely nothing now in comparison to what she felt leaving the hospital and not having Rachel by her side.
Every moment of her life was a struggle now just to get through it. She had had nightmares throughout the night, waking up shaking and sobbing and clinging to Rachel, and even her mother coming to her and stroking her, trying to hold her, had not quite calmed her like Rachel's touch had. She had had panic attacks at least twice at sudden and loud noises in the hospital. The hospital had allowed no visitors, but when her mother gave her her cell phone, letting her talk to Brittany, for once, Brittany had not been able to provide her with a sense of comfort with her words either. In fact, trying to talk to Brittany had made Santana cry so hard her mother had taken the phone away, telling Brittany that talking to her was going to have to wait.
And now they were making her leave Rachel, the only thing that had consistently made her feel better. Now they would make her go home and be just with her mami, and how would her mami protect her or Rachel either for that matter?
Outside the hospital Santana clung to Rachel, not wanting to let go. Only at the gentle urging of their parents did she manage, and as soon as she was in the car with her mother, she lowered her head, hands gripping the edge of her seat, and fought back tears.
How could she make them understand how much she needed her right now?
The entire drive home Rachel was panicking and shaking and in tears as they drove. She didn't care about her dads seeing her weak because in that moment she had no strength to care. She didn't have the one person who was holding her together, she needed Santana and without her she felt as though she was crumbling and barely able to keep it together. Before she knew her breaths were coming in harshly and she couldn't breathe properly, the pain in her ribs became excruciating and she let out a scream as she was plunged back into the darkest moments that McKinley had ever seen.
LeRoy picked her up out of the car and encouraged her to try and breathe normally but all he got out of her was mumbles of Santana and needing to see her. Everything else didn't make sense and they knew it wouldn't as long as she was in the midst of her panic attack. Without hesitation they carried her to her room and laid her under her covers as she continued shaking. Hiram had spoken to a therapist before they left the hospital who said to check her room to make her feel safe and he did before both of them climbed into bed on either side of their daughter, holding her as she continued crying.
Santana fared somewhat better than Rachel, but not by much. By the time her mother had driven her to their home, she was shaking so badly she couldn't seem to get her legs to work well enough to move her out of the car on her own, and her mother had had to help her, half carrying, half dragging her towards the house. Once inside she had made her some warm tea and sat with her, rubbing her back and holding her hand as Santana struggled to drink it. She didn't want to drink it; she felt like she would vomit if she had anything in her stomach, but Maribel insisted, and eventually she had finished about half of it. When Santana stood then, insisting on checking every single room in the house, just to make certain it was all free of any people or objects that could cause them harm, Maribel went with her, staying quiet, and let her do her check. Even after she had been physically assured of this, though, Santana was still so anxious and on edge all she wanted then was to call Rachel.
Eventually Rachel had calmed down a little as she laid sandwiched between her dads who held her tightly and continued reassuring her that everything was going to be safe and they were going to be fine. Before too long she asked her phone and dialed Santana's number while Hiram went and grabbed an ice pack for her ribs.
"Come on.. pick up.. pick up.." She said desperately into the phone.
Santana jumped and almost screamed when she heard the phone ring, but lunged for it, even as her mother gave her a warning look.
"Santana, mija, now is probably not the best time to be speaking with friends," she tried to tell her, but Santana paid her no attention. It was Rachel's name on the phone, and that was all she cared about right now.
Answering, automatically curling into a ball on the couch as she cradled the phone to her chest, she said," Rachel? Are you okay? Are you safe? Are you home? you got home, right?"
"I'm home and safe but I just.. I wish you were her,."she admitted.
She hated feeling so weak, but she needed Santana more than she needed anyone else.
"Are you okay? You're safe at home right?"
"I want you here too," Santana admitted, cradling the phone. Her chest feels tight, her cheeks hot, and she rocks unconsciously, letting out her breath. "I'm…it's safe. I guess. It's just….I just wish you were here."
Rachel looked between her dads questioning them silently hoping they would let her and Santana be together again.
"Can.. can I.. come to you?" she asked nervously, she just needed to be there and see Santana again and curl up with her.
"Yes," Santana says immediately. She doesn't care what her mom thinks or what she'll tell her; this is the only acceptable reply to her. "Yes, please…"
Leaping up from her bed she grabbed a bag with a change of clothes just in case she needed it and her dads just nodded at each other and went down to the car. "On my wa,."she whispered into the phone.
"Okay," Santana tells her, already feeling more at ease. When she hangs up, her mother is watching her, frowning, and Santana gets defensive.
"What?"
"Santana," Maribel starts, gently but firmly. "I understand your need to know that Rachel is all right. But she is, carina. Her fathers are with her, and she is safe. No one will harm her or you. You understand that you cannot be with her every moment of the day to make sure of that."
"I know," Santana shrugged, but despite her words, that was exactly waht she wanted to do and intended to try. "I know, Mami."
Before too long Rachel arrived at the Lopez's house and knocked on the front door with her dads standing close behind her.
"You can't spend every moment together but we will grant you today," LeRoy said firmly and with a small nod she stood back and waited for someone to answer the door.
Santana had been hanging around near it, practically twitching out of her skin in her impatience. She opens the door less than five seconds after the bell has rung and wastes no time stepping forward and wrapping her arms around Rachel, burying her face in her shoulder. Already she feels relaxed, relieved, her muscles loosening up just to feel the girl in her arms again. She doesn't move, even when she feels her mother's hand on her back.
"Santana, let the girl come in. And be careful of her ribs."
"Sorry," Santana mumbled, but she barely eased up.
Rachel held onto Santana just as tightly and let out an audible sigh of relief which made her dads relax a little too. Holding onto Santana she buried her head in her shoulder and just breathed her in, soaking up the closeness and the comfort.
"My ribs are fine, the painkillers are doing their job," he said softly as she rubbed Santana's back gently.
"Good," Santana whispered back. She doesn't want to move, but eventually, at her mother's repeated urging, she lets go enough to let Rachel come in. She hears her mother politely asking her fathers if they want to come in, but ignores it. She just heads straight for her room, Rachel's hand in hers, and shuts the door behind her.
"What do you want to do?" she asks Rachel, once their well-meaning parents are out of sight and hearing.
Rachel's dads only stay for a little bit and leave the medication she was given with Maribel and leave their numbers should they be needed and the three parents sit around chatting while the girls disappeared into Santana's room. When they were in Santana's room Rachel looked around and shrugged.
"I don't know, I kind of just needed to see you. We could watch a movie but I don't really know what's the safest to watch right now."
Santana went to her shelf of DVDs and flipped through for those she kept to watch with Brittany- the ones she'd never admit to watching to anyone at school. Scanning the row, she picked out a My Little Pony movie, blushing a little, and held it out.
"It's lame and it's NOT mine. But there's no death and no scary, unless you count their ridiculous hair."
When Rachel saw Santana's pick she smiled a little as memories of her childhood came back.
"Ridiculous hair totally counts," she said with a soft laugh falling from her lips for the first time.
"We can watch Care Bears…Sweet Valley Twins…Rose Petal Place…Strawberry Shortcake…Rainbow Brite," Santana named the other old shows, holding them up. "Pick your poison. They're all sappy, way too bright, and cheery…so you should love," She teased lightly.
Rachel laughed a little more this time before gasping when it hurt her ribs and quickly shutting up. "Surprise me and you should know I don't usually go with these sorts of things. Horror movies are a little too much but I don't mind action.. usually."
Santana frowns when the girl gasps, coming over quickly. "Are you okay? Do you still hurt?"
She is still frowning as she answers, "I think we'll stick with the ponies." Reason being not her concern for Rachel but rather for herself. Action means guns, and Santana has no desire to even look at a gun on TV right now.
Rachel ended up sitting down on the edge of Santana's bed and nodded. "I'm okay. Just hurts when I laugh but I'll be fine," she reassured her before nodding in agreement. "I'd rather the safer stuff like ponies that things with any kind of stuff like that.." she said, knowing that Santana would catch onto what she meant.
"Well quit laughing, then," Santana shakes her head at her, some worry still in her tone. As she comes around to the TV, slipping the DVD in, and gets on the bed, she looks back at Rachel, waiting to see what the other girl will do. With Brittany, she always cuddles while watching TV, and that's exactly what she wants to do now, but she's not totally sure of what Rachel wants.
Rachel smiled softly and nodded. When Santana joined her on the bed it wasn't long before she had moved and nestled herself into Santana's side. She found a great comfort in cuddling with Santana even if she knew she couldn't admit it to any one of her friends or the way that she felt so protected in her hold and craved it now
Santana relaxes, winding her arms loosely around Rachel, careful not to jar her ribs. She rests her head against Rachel's, feeling her body releasing some of the tension constantly present in it now as she sinks back against her pillows with her. She pays little attention to the TV, only thinking about how nice and comfortable it is to be held, to hold Rachel back, and to know without a doubt she's okay.
"This is kind of weird," she says after a few moments. She doesn't look at Rachel, not wanting to see her face as she says this. "Why are we…doing this?"
Rachel relaxed a lot more as Santana held her. She wasn't really watching the TV but the background noise was was welcome instead of total silence. Looking up at Santana she nods but lays her head against her shoulder and closes her eyes. "Because for some strange reason it feels nice and safe and we need this."
"But you're the size of a Tic Tac," Santana pointed out, exhaling. "It's not like you're gonna turn into Hulk and kill people for me. And you might have noticed, and I swear to God, I never actually said this, but as much as I talk about going Lima Heights on people, I actually kinda suck at fighting. Drawing blood is pretty much the height of violence I can usually inflict."
But even as she says this she is thinking, and her lips press into a thin line before she says quietly, "You saved my life."
"As long as I'm an orange flavored one then I can take that," she said teasingly. "I may be no Hulk but I don't mind, I can kick people where it hurts if I need to and you don't have to be some crazy strong person to actually be strong, Santana. You can use your slapping to your advantage." She said softly and reassuringly.
When Santana said that she had saved her life she just shook her head. "I couldn't leave you there,."she whispered as she held Santana a little tighter than before.
Slapping doesn't do a hell of a lot of good when someone is bigger, stronger, and more deadly. Santana knows this, maybe has all along. She doesn't stand a chance against any man that wished her harm, with the exception of maybe Kurt.
When Rachel tells her she couldn't leave her, squeezing her, Santana's breath catches, and her eyes fill with tears that she tries to blink back. She had been so rude and cruel to Rachel for so long without a second thought, and only in the past couple of months, through Glee, had she eased up even a little. And yet this girl had thought immediately not just of saving her own ass, but Santana's too. Would Santana have done the same, if she had been capable of thinking to preserve herself in those moments? Or would she have run out the door without a thought for Rachel, for anyone but herself?
She doesn't know, and the thought is upsetting to her. She blinks again, pressing her lips together, and though she doesn't pull away, she can feel her body tense against Rachel's.
Rachel held a little tighter when she felt her tensing up. "I know we've had our differences and sure words hurt but I was never mad at you for it. Perhaps I never understood the motives but we all have our reasons for doing what we do," she managed to whisper before closing her eyes and trying not to let herself slip back into a panicked mode again. She didn't know what Santana was trying to hide from the world but she figured there was something that maybe she hadn't even admitted to herself. But then again Rachel couldn't talk, there was things she was still trying to figure out.
"You should have been mad," Santana forced out, swallowing again. "You should have hated me. You still should. But…you didn't, and you.." she is having difficulty putting it in words even to herself. How could Rachel forgive her, want to be kind to her? How could she actually comfort her, think of her above everyone else in that room?
A tear slips down her cheek, and she starts to pull away, even though doing so feels wrong, the exact opposite of what she wants.
Rachel shrugged a little despite the protest of her ribs. "You're human and I'm a Berry, I was raised to not let the words of others affect me," she said as if it were the most obvious answer in the world.
When Santana began pulling away she sighed and reached out for her hand. "Santana, stop. Don't.. don't pull away. I know you probably don't get why everything happened the way it did yesterday and I don't think I do either really but all I know is that there was something telling me I couldn't go alone."
"I would have left you," Santana stated, her voice harsh. She doesn't know if this is true, but she thinks it's possible, and so she says it. It's almost as though she is trying to push Rachel away, even as much as she needs her- a punishment to herself, for her past behavior. She pulls her hand away and says it again, even as tears continue to trickle down her face. "I would have left you there alone."
Rachel visibly shrank back at Santana's words but for some reason she just didn't believe them. "No you wouldn't."
She got up and went over to her, blocking her path. "You're not heartless, Santana. But for some crazy reason I feel like I can't breathe without you close, I need you and I don't say that to just anyone."
"I would have left you. I would have let you…I would have let you-"
But as hard as she tries, Santana can't force out the word "die," not now, not ever. Not in reference to Rachel. More tears stream down her face, and she tries to duck under her arm, not wanting to touch her to move her.
"Stop. Rachel…stop."
Rachel froze, her hand was midway between herself and Santana and for a moment she couldn't breathe at all and her chest constricted painfully. "You want me gone, then I'll go," she murmured, and grabbed her bag, turning on her heel to head out the door, trying to ignore the tears welling up in her eyes.
Santana doesn't want Rachel gone. It's the absolute last thing she wants right now…but Rachel shouldn't be here. If this is what she wants most, she shouldn't have it. She should be denying herself, protecting Rachel from the kind of person she is, the person Santana is only now beginning to acknowledge how much she sometimes hates herself for being.
She lets Rachel go, even though as soon as the girl closes the door behind her, she bursts into tears, their intensity and loudness actually scaring her. She covers her mouth, shoulders shaking as she tries to hold back. She can't let Rachel hear.
With Santana letting her go she walked out the door but she didn't make it very far. She was half way down the stairs before she stopped and sat down with her head in her hands. It isn't until her dads spot her that they come and encourage her to come with them. Without a word she got up and took Hiram's hand. On their way out she thanked Maribel and asked her to check on her daughter before they walked out and got into the car.
When Maribel opens the door to Santana's room, she is alarmed to find her on her knees on the floor by her bed, hunched forward so her face half hides her hair, crying so sharply her entire body is shuddering. Her face alit with concern, even fear, Maribel started towards her quickly, trying to pull Santana to her feet, to pull her into her arms.
"Santana, bebe, what happened? Did Rachel say something? Shhh, Santanita, come here. Shh, you will make yourself ill-"
"I can't!" Santana burst out with, and with a loud sob she pushed away from Maribel, staggering to her feet and running out the room, down the hall, and towards the front door. The car is already starting down the street when Santana chases after it, screaming, waving her arms. "Stop! Stop, stop, stop!"
They were half way down the road and Rachel was lost in her own world, in her own mind and off a million miles away but then the car stopped and suddenly she was panicking thinking something had happened.
"She needs you," LeRoy says, and that's all it takes for her to leap out of the car and see Santana there.
"Santana?"
It comes out as a question rather than how she had wanted it to, but she couldn't deny that the girl looked so shaken up and she felt the exact way Santana looked. She doesn't think about her actions and just goes to her, taking her hand into her own.
"I've got you."
Maribel is coming rapidly after Santana now, genuinely frightened that she is going to do something reckless and destructive, such as throw herself in front of the car. Her pace slows when she sees Santana clinging to Rachel's hand with both of hers, hanging on her, still sobbing hard as she tries to get out the words.
"I'm sorry, I'm s-sorry, don't leave, I sh-shouldn't…I'm s-sorry…please…"
Santana doesn't care anymore about what she deserves or what she should be doing. She can't stand for Rachel to go, for Rachel to think she doesn't want her there or like her, that she would really want her dead. She can't stand it, so she grips her hand and weeps, unable to put it into any words except sputtered incoherent apologies.
Rachel pulled Santana into and into one of the tightest hugs she could manage.
"It's okay, it's okay. I'm not letting you go."
She knew that they both needed each other right now, there was no denying it. Even so she was struggling to explain the strange connection between them and the draw to be with Santana no matter what. "We're okay," she whispered in an attempt to get Santana to breathe normally again.
Santana takes some time to start calming down, gasping for breath. She chokes, coughing, and tightens her grip on Rachel. A few more whispered sorries before she slumps into her, letting Rachel hold her.
She hears her mother coming forward, lightly touching both girls as she urges them out of the road, and she lets herself be lightly pushed that way. Still she doesn't let go or look up.
Rachel held onto Santana as best she could and let's Santana's mother move them out of the way as Rachel's dads parked their car and got out, coming over to them. Looking up from Santana she looked between their parents and bit her lip nervously.
"I'm sorry you guys are going through this too," she whispered before dropping a light kiss to the top of Santana's head.
"Girls…" Maribel trails off, completely at a loss as to what is going on. She glances over at Rachel's father's, her expression strained, and eventually touches Santana's back lightly.
"Come back inside. It's late, and you need rest. Rest, water, and food, because the two of you have eaten very little. And medication, Santana. Come with me….come."
She pats Santana's back, and after a few minutes Santana can detach from Rachel just enough to comply. She lets her mother guide them back into the kitchen and get her some water, setting the medication prescribed to her in front of her to take as well. It takes a few tries before she can get it down.
Holding onto Santana's hand she followed Maribel inside and sat down beside Santana as close as physically possible with both of her father's resting a protective hand on her shoulder. The entire time Santana tried to take her medication Rachel sat there squeezing her hand gently and resting her head against the girls shoulder. She was exhausted but she knew she couldn't do much and there was no way she could attempt sleeping again. But she did take her painkillers and waited patiently for them to kick in.
Eventually Santana does manage to force down the medication and drink most of the water, but she still won't eat, no matter how much Maribel tries to make her. Probably the only person who would be able to coax her into it then would be Rachel, because she's the only person Santana would feel obligated to try for. Her head is throbbing, and she feels almost feverish now from her emotion and exhaustion. Letting her head rest against Rachel's, she half shuts her eyes, waiting for her mother to urge her up and towards bed.
"You need to shower, mija, but not tonight. Bed." She looks at Rachel's fathers, wondering whether after all this turmoil, they intend to have Rachel stay or not.
Rachel just sat there quietly the entire time not making a peep, all she wanted to do was lay down in the darkness and block out everything. LeRoy and Hiram exchange looks before looking to the girls.
"It's your decision in the end but I think right now we need to ease them into being apart again," Hiram said to Maribel as Rachel let out a small sigh and held onto Santana a little tighter.
Santana's eyes snap open, and she looks between the men and her mother, silently begging that they be allowed to stay. Maribel too looks torn, weary, and she sighs, then slowly shakes her head.
"Santana…you know you cannot stay with Rachel every day, nor can she stay with you. She has her fathers and they will keep her safe, and you are safe here. She needs her rest and so do you."
"Mami-" Santana, started, already seeing where this was going, her voice taking on a panicked edge. But Maribel shook her head, coming to her then and putting her hands on her shoulders.
"Rachel, I am thankful you are safe and that you have been so good to my daughter, and you are welcome here," she told the other girl quietly. "But you need some time with your family, and Santana needs time with hers. Santana, you will sleep with me tonight, but you will sleep in your own home, in your own bed."
Santana's arms tightened around Rachel, and she just shook her head mutely, panic pressing against her chest.
Rachel's heart sank but she knew deep down that this was coming whether either of them liked it or not, it was going to happen. Their parents were right and even though she wanted to deny it she had no option but to go with it. Holding Santana close she buried her head in Santana's hair and closed her eyes in an attempt to make herself stop crying.
"Call me.. text me.. facetime even… we don't have an option," she whispered. Her words were muffled by Santana's hair and she knew the others hadn't heard them.
Santana can't respond. She won't let go of Rachel, not without being made to, even if she is hurting the girl. It is this admonition from her mother, combined with her gentle but firm tugs at her shoulders, that makes her finally have to release her. Maribel starts to steer Santana towards her bedroom, not wanting her to have to watch Rachel walk out the door, and even before she's opened the door to her bedroom, Santana can feel herself crying again. She wouldn't have thought herself capable of such a seemingly endless supply of tears, but today, she just can't seem to stop.
The moment she's free from Santana's hold Hiram picked her up before she could collapse onto the ground and helped her out to the car. Getting back into the car she was struggling and remained completely deflated throughout the entire drive home. When they finally got home she had tears streaming down her face and headed straight for the shower, needing some space away from the people that tore them both apart and needing to try and gather her thoughts.
Maribel steers Santana into her bedroom and undresses her, not even asking Santana for any help or input. It's become obvious that the girl is not going to be able to do any further tasks for herself today. She dresses her again in comfortable pajamas, then guides her into bed, pulling back the covers and gently helping her to lie down. All this time Santana is crying softly, appearing defeated, hopeless, and although she doesn't notice, her mother's face is almost grief-stricken itself, watching her. When her mother gets in bed with her and draws her into her arms, slowly stroking her hands through her hair, Santana lets her hold her, but it is a considerable amount of time before she has exhausted herself enough to lie quietly.
Rachel hadn't left the shower for almost half an hour which sparks the worry of her fathers. Hiram ignores her want for being alone and walks into her bathroom finding her sobbing on the shower floor. Turning off the now cold water she helps her up she dries her off before getting her dressed for bed. She is completely deflated, lacking energy and doesn't help much so he carries her to bed tucking her in and when he goes to get off he feels a shaky hand reaching for his.
"Daddy stay.. please?" she asked through a fresh round of tears. With a nod he climbed into bed beside her and pulled her into his chest, rubbing her back and looking like he himself was about to cry. LeRoy walked in and joined them both, holding them he begins singing a soft in the softest voices which eventually lulls Rachel to sleep.