If she was honest with herself, Santana wasn't sure what the hell she was doing.

Well, she knew what she was doing, obviously, in the strictly literal sense. She was in Puck's bedroom, more specifically, in his bed, and she was kissing him, with their usual wrestling of control for whose tongue would dominate, with their usual occasional clashing of teeth as they attempted to settle into a smooth rhythm that was more frequently overtaken by Puck's impatient hormones and Santana's haste to get it over with, her efforts to show aggression and blatant pleasure, whether or not she felt either. She was letting Puck run his hands up her sides and then through her hair, his fingers twining in her long locks as he kissed down her jaw and throat towards her collar bone and upper chest. She was scraping her nails down his back, occasionally giving a loud groan in response to his touch when it seemed appropriate and trying to take some satisfaction from his answering grunts and groans. This was all very familiar, almost automatic.

She had thought this would make things better, easier for her; she had thought she could, by doing the same things she had done before the shooting, in the same way, with the same person, feel like she herself was that person again. She had thought she could distract herself, give herself at least a degree of pleasure and enjoyment through someone else's attention- the RIGHT person's attention. Not Rachel's, not Brittany's, not her mother's, but Puck's, who was supposed to sort of be her boyfriend. Puck was supposed to be the person she went to in order to feel good, Puck was supposed to be the person she went to for comfort and distraction. Puck was supposed to be the one occupying her thoughts all day long- not Brittany, as it had been before, or Rachel, as it sort of was now.

So she had gone to him, noticing that her mother seemed rather pleased at her announcement that she was going to hang out with him. Her mother had been increasingly concerned about her frequent time with Rachel, and seemed to take it as a sign that Santana was healing that she now was going to Puck's instead. It might be easier in the future if she just lied and said she was going to Puck's instead of Rachel's when she felt like it, but for now, Santana merely found it ironic that her mother seemed happy at the implication that her teenage daughter was going to her boyfriend's to possibly have sex.

So Santana had showed up at Puck's door, asking him for his best efforts at distraction, and Puck had been more than willing to oblige. But now, in the supposed heat of the moment, when she should have been focused on nothing but feeling good, she isn't feeling good at all. In fact, she can barely concentrate on Puck, even with her mouth attached to his. Instead, she is thinking about Rachel. Wondering what she's doing, if she's missed any texts or calls from her. Wondering if Rachel is still dating Finn, something she hasn't asked her- NOT because she doesn't want to know, but because she's just not interested. Or so she tells herself. Wondering what Rachel would think if she knew that their new apparent bodyguard was on the verge of having sex with her, right this second. Wondering if Rachel would be disgusted, or if she would just-

Oh hell no, what the hell was wrong with her for the images coming to her mind? This was SO wrong, and god she had to get it out, now.

Without any verbal communication, Santana took hold of Puck's head and began to push it downward, towards her crotch, making clear to him what she wanted. It wasn't the first time, but this time, she really needed it, and Puck, understanding, began to remove her underwear from beneath her dress, one hand already caressing her upper thigh. And when he began to work to pleasure her, Santana felt herself tensing up, almost pushing him away- until thoughts of Rachel came back to mind.

When she realized what it was she was imagining, who it was that was finally beginning to help her loosen up and get off, Santana was so horrified that she gasped aloud, the tone clearly not one of pleasure any longer. Even Puck could tell the difference, and when he pulled out from her, he was frowning, searching her face.

"'Tana, you okay?"

Santana tried to neutralize her face as she nodded, but she couldn't seem to find words to match her assertion, and she knew from his expression that she must not look very convincing. Still frowning, Puck sat up, then reached to cover her with her dress again before cupping her cheek gently, in a rather unusual fashion for the two of them.

"Hey. If you're not into it or not ready, it's cool. We don't gotta do anything. You know that, right?"

And why the hell did he have to be so gentle, so…un-Puck about this? Why did he have to look at her like he actually cared?

"No, it's fine. You just hit me wrong," Santana insisted, shaking her head. "Go on, what are you waiting for?"

But Puck kept looking at her, and his hand never drifted downward again. Instead, he lay down, then, with a tug at her shoulders, pulled Santana down beside him, close to his chest. With his arms lightly around her, he held her, kissing her temple before resting his cheek against the top of her head.

Lying in his arms, Santana was sure he could hear how fast her heart was beating, was paranoid that he could somehow know her every thought. And way more often than she wanted, her thoughts kept drifting back to Rachel

88

Text: Puckleberry

Puck:Hey Rach sup

Rachel:Hey.

Puck:Can I talk to you?

Rachel:Yeah of course. What's up?

Puck:Cool.

Puck:Idk...is San ok?

Puck:I mean not, I know

Puck:But is she?
Rachel:I think so.

Rachel:Has she been acting weird?

Puck:Well, yeah

Puck:no offense but she's all over u, u know?

Puck:i mean its cool but its san, so, weird

Puck:and shes kinda weird with sex stuff

Puck:hey u aint gonna tell i said r u
Rachel:I won't say a thing.

Rachel:She's struggling, Noah. She was so scared that day and I just think that maybe we both need each other right now.

Rachel:Don't be worried that she seems so off, her mind is off in another world.

Puck:so...should i just...not

Rachel:Just be there for her, try to get her to open up but maybe hang off on the uh.. sex stuff.

Puck:Well she said she wanted

Puck:i sort of dont do the talk thing that great

Puck:what am I supposed to say?

Puck:how bout this. so tana you prob think about that asshole a lot and think about bloody bodys or w/e but im not scared cuz i can totally kick his ass so

Puck:sound ok?
Rachel:No, god no. Don't.. don't bring that up.

Rachel:Just watch a movie or something that doesn't have any guns in it, play a board game, whatever. Just take it at her pace and don't bring it up.

Puck:we never did that before

Puck:i guess try or w/e

Puck:do u not wanna do it w/ hudson either now?

Puck:cuz of it?
Rachel:Finn and I aren't together and we never.. you know.

Rachel:Just be gentle with her.

Puck:oh, srsly?

Puck:dude slow on draw

Puck:k... ill try. san never was rlly gentle type bfore though

Puck:ill try tho. cuz idk, i think i like her

Puck:like i liked shes hot but now idk

Puck:weird
Rachel:Yep and yep.

Rachel:She's different now, she's still that tough girl on the inside but it's going to take a bit to bring it back out fully. Just be there for her without mentioning it.

Puck:k ill try

Puck:thnx

Puck:u ok?

Puck:we could keep hangin u and me and san

Puck:wanna talk or something?

Rachel:I don't know what there is to talk about anymore. Everything's a mess, Finn can barely look at me and I can't get any of it out of my head.

Puck:i thought ur not w/ him

Puck:maybe it would help to drink at night?

Rachel:I'm not but I don't know.. some foolish part of me thought he cared still.

Rachel:Drinking isn't my thing.

Puck:i could ask or w/e

Puck:hm. sex could help too
Rachel:No. It's fine.

Rachel:Oh really?

Puck:he's dumb so

Puck:you can get a better guy

Puck:or lady, w/e floats your remote

Puck:yep bc the chemistry stuff or somethin

Puck:makes u feel good. science

Rachel:It's float your boat, Noah.

Rachel:But sure, whatever.

Puck:k ill try that stuff w/ san

Puck:srsly tho let me know if u need anything

88

Calls

Santana:(dials, hands shaking, eyes open wide, breath coming in gasping spurts)

Rachel:(seeing Santana's name showing up on her phone all thoughts of everything else are immediately forgotten as she picks up.) Santana?

Santana:(for a few minutes, can't talk; sobbing and gulping for breath, making soft whimpering noises into the phone) Are you...are you okay...
Rachel:(waiting patiently she keeps the phone close to her ear and closes her eyes) I'm okay, San. Are you alright?

Santana:(sniffling, still breathing audibly) I...I dreamed you weren't...
Rachel:Shh, it's okay. I'm okay. Just take some deep breaths for me.

Santana:(trying to comply, still giving off a brief sob occasionally) I want...I need to see. I n-need to see you.
Rachel:Come on over then... I can let you in.

Santana:Okay...okay...

88
Rachel was concerned by Santana's call. She wanted to protect Santana the best that she could. There was this genuine pull pulling her towards the girl wanting to protect her and hold her close as much as physically possible. She craved her touch, the feel of Santana's hand in her own and she craved being held in her arms. She needed her with an intensity she couldn't understand.

She went to go downstairs but heard her dads were both still awake. Grabbing out her phone she sent a text to Santana telling her to come around the side to her bedroom window and that if she was confident enough she could climb in through her window. She waited until she heard a noise outside before opening her window and smiling when she saw Santana down on the ground.

It had taken Santana some time to pull herself together enough to be able to get out of the house, to her car, and drive herself to Rachel's, and even so it had been difficult. She had been still sometimes shivering hard enough that she had to grip the steering wheel tightly to avoid swerving off the road, and she was having a hard time stopping herself from bursting into tears sporadically. She can't stop thinking about her nightmare, about watching Rachel's chest blossom blood as she slumped against Santana in the closet, watching the gun then point directly at her own head. She can't shake it off, and she needs so badly then to see Rachel, to know for a fact it's not true.

When she finally pulls in and comes around to Rachel's window as instructed, she immediately feels a little better when she sees the girl through the window. She pulls herself up with still shaking arms and drops inside, then reaches out for her.

The moment that Santana was inside her room Rachel wrapped her arms tightly around her and kissed the side of her head without even thinking about it.

"We're okay," she whispered as she gently rubbed her back. She hated seeing Santana so shaken up but she knew the feeling, she had nightmares of her own and all she could do was hold onto hope that this too would pass.

As soon as Santana feels Rachel's arms around her, her shaking stops. She grips her tightly, burying her face in her shoulder, and thins her lips, trying to make sure she won't get emotional again even as she accepts this comfort.

"You were dead," she whispered to her, swallowing. "He found us in the closet and…" she trailed off, squeezing Rachel harder and breathing in her scent. "I just…I had to know you were okay."

Listening to Santana made her heart break but she knew that it could have very well been a possibility.

"I'm okay, San." She held her tightly to her. "We're both going to be okay."

Santana nodded slowly against Rachel's shoulder, then pulls back just enough so she can go to her bed. She lays down, automatically reaching out for Rachel and pulling her down to lay with her. Curling in against her, she is quiet for a while before before speaking again.

"I don't know what I would do if something happened to you now."

Rachel didn't hesitate to climb into bed with Santana and curled up with her, holding onto her tightly and relaxing a little more.

"You'll never have to find out."

Rachel rubbed her back, hoping that she would calm down soon. Santana does become calm. Closing her eyes, she rests her face against Rachel, in between the crook of her shoulder and neck, her breathing slowing. The girl's arms around her, her hands stroking her back are soothing in a way nothing else is now. It doesn't matter that Puck's arms are more solid, stronger and larger, that in all actuality, he is the one who could best protect her from harm. It was Rachel she felt safest with, and it was Rachel she needed to go to most.

Without thinking about it, Santana pressed a kiss into the hollow of Rachel's throat, not far from where her lips had been originally. She kissed it again, then her lips traveled over Rachel's collarbone, her brain still delayed to exactly what she was doing.

Rachel was lost in a world where holding Santana was the only thing she wanted to do, it had been the only thing she had wanted to do. Puck wasn't even on her mind or Finn or anything other than Santana. But when Santana kissing the hollow of her throat something happened deep within her that she hadn't ever experienced before when anyone else had kissed that same spot then it happened again and again and there was a trail burning from Santana's kisses and even though she was caught off guard she was finding herself enjoying it more than she ever thought possible. Her heart was racing in a good way for once and all she could think about was the way it would feel to have Santana's lips pressed against her own.

Santana's lips slowly mark a trail back up Rachel's collar bone and then up her neck, across her jawline. She is lifted slightly off Rachel now to have better access, one arm rising to partly support herself as she comes closer and closer with her mouth to Rachel's. When she finally kisses Rachel on the mouth, it is gentle, soft, even tentative, barely more than a brush.

The anticipation of their lips meeting continued building up with the trail leading towards her own lips. She had had little dreams of this before but she thought it was nothing more than some random dream but now she knew she wanted it and needed it more than anything she needed before. When their lips met her eyes fell shut and she returned the soft kiss, her fingers had slipped upwards from Santana's back and into her hair, lighting tangling in the long locks not wanting her to be too far away. There was something there and it was more than just the need to feel safe, it was much deeper than that.

Santana actually hears herself moan softly when Rachel kisses her back, and when the girl's fingers twine in her hair, she shifts, now lying half over Rachel, the weight of her body beneath hers sending a thrill up her spine. She deepens the kiss, closing her eyes, her free hand stroking up Rachel's arm, and for a few moments, there is nothing in her mind but a sense of contentment and pleasure.

And then her brain kicks in and ruins it all. What the hell is she doing? This is a girl…this is RACHEL. This is Rachel Berry, and she's kissing her on the LIPS!

Santana breaks away abruptly, releasing her hold so quickly she almost tumbles off the bed when she rolls off her. Eyes wide, she shakes her hands, as though to shake off Rachel's touch, and then shakes her head too.

Rachel welcomed Santana's body on top of her own and their kiss deepened. It was something she had been craving without even knowing she was craving it. What happened next was completely unexpected though and she forced herself out of her daze to make sure Santana was alright.

"San?" She asked as she sat up and bit her lip nervously. "Are you alright?"

Santana shakes her head vehemently, although this is not strictly an answer to Rachel's question. She in fact barely hears the girl over the screaming of her own thoughts.

"I don't do that with girls!" she blurted, although this is not strictly true. She's done this with Brittany plenty, though she's always managed to tell herself it was due to "practice" or being drunk or…sleep-stroking. "I'm with Puck. I like Puck, okay? I don't do this with you, I do it with him."

But when she tries to say she loves him, she can't even make herself say the word. She does love Puck, in her way…kind of like she might love a brother, if she would sleep with a brother all the time. But she doesn't love him the way she would be trying to tell Rachel, and she can't say the words.

Rachel sighed heavily and gently took Santana's hands into her own.

"Santana, it's okay. No one has to know what just happened and just so you know, it's okay to like what you like. People may not agree but they can't tell you who you are," she said softly as her eyes stared into Santana's.

Santana ripped her hands away, scooting away from Rachel on the bed. She is still shaking her head, even harder now as she stares at her, near panic-stricken.

"I don't LIKE anything! Except boys, and kissing boys, and making out with boys, and sex with boys, I like boy parts and boy lips and boy penis, okay?! And maybe I called you Man Hands or Treasure Trail or Rupaul but those did NOT make you suddenly sprout a penis last I checked, so I did NOT just do that with you, it was an accident. I was…sleepy, and it was an accident, got it? I don't LIKE you."

Listening to Santana she felt her heart break a little bit even though she continued telling herself it shouldn't hurt to hear those things. "Yeah.. okay." She sighed and got up, heading into her bathroom and locking the door behind her. Right now she needed to be alone to take a breather and calm herself down. Turning the tap on she quickly washed her face and told herself to snap out of it and that it never going to mean anything.

Santana should be glad Rachel's leaving. It would give her a few minutes to calm down, compose, and to reaffirm to herself that she absolutely was NOT wanting to do any further touching or kissing, not like THAT. She must truly be still half asleep, that was the only answer.

And yet Rachel leaving the room did nothing to calm her pounding heartbeat or the panic still striking against her chest and pulsing through her veins. And she swore she could still feel the other girl's fingers on her skin, her lips against her mouth…