Pairings

Thanks for still not having abandoned all hope. (You may regret it.)

Now that all the ground work is done, let's have a look at the finer features of a successful fanfiction.

So if you, my dear reader, want to write a story that fits into the category 'Romance' (see Genres), you may want to read this chapter carefully.

But before we proceed with the 'Pairings', please keep this in mind:

If you're not interested in romance, this chapter may trigger severe reactions like chronic gagging, permanent sickness and/or brain damage.

I assume no liability for any health-endangering reaction to the things you're about to read.

General Information About Pairings

Pairings are essential for every romantic story. Because you can't write about romance if there is no love and attraction to be romantic about, right?

And for that, you need a pairing.

"But what is a pairing?" you might ask yourself now, my dear reader. The answer to that is very simple:

You pick two people (Or three. Or four. Sometimes even five, if you're feeling especially daring) and make them be in love with each other, so they're a couple (or a triple. Or – whatever). This is your pairing. To show which one your pairing is, you write the two (three, four, five) names with an oblique between them.

Pairings for Everyone!

Your pairing can be literally anything. Literally. Everything!

Of course, you can pick the ones everyone knows and loves, e.g. Arthur/Gwen, Merlin/Arthur, Gwen/Lancelot, Merlin/Morgana, Uther/Troll.

But if that doesn't suit you, don't worry! Because there is only one rule about pairings: everything is possible.

You want to pair Arthur up with Godwin? Alright! Freya with Morgause? Okay! Dragoon the Great with Sophia? No problem! Kilgharrah with Gilli? Go ahead! Emrys with Merlin? … Um, sure. That's what doppelgangers are there fore. I guess.

And that isn't even the end of that story!

Because when I say everything, I mean everything. Pairings with people only would be boring, after all. Why not pair them up with objects!?

Gwaine in love with an apple? Do it! Arthur in love with a tree? Or a chicken? Or a sword? Right away! (Geez, Arthur's an objectophile! And yes, that word actually exists.) Gaius making goo-goo eyes at the leech tank? Of course! (Great, now this image will haunt me forever.)

And since we're already at it, why not forget about living people all together and pair up two objects? Just think about all the dirty jokes you can make about the pairing Sword/Stone! (My mind really lives in the gutter. Sorry.)

Het and Slash

There are two great factions within the 'Pairings'. The so-called 'Slash'-writers ('Slashers') and the 'Het'-writers (Uhm… 'Heters'?).

The 'Slashers' and the … 'Heters' (let's just pretend that this is an actual word) virtually beat each other to death on a regular basis because most of them are about as liberal to each other as the American Republicans and Democrats. (Satirising foreign politics: check.)

'Het' means that you pair up two people of the opposite sex. For the very simple minded amongst us: a male and a female character.

'Slash' means that you pair up two people of the same sex. Usually two boys. Because about 99% of the fanfiction authors are girls and for some strange reason, girls like to make the characters gay. (And if you're shouting obscenities at me right now, please bear in mind that I'm actually female. (Unbelievable, but true.) And not a homophobe.)

Therefore, an extra word of female slash exists. It's called 'Femslash'.

If you want to please both the 'Het'- and 'Slash'-writers, just write about a threesome / foursome / fivesome in which at least one person is of the opposite sex. That way, you've got everything covered.

I still don't know which faction the person/object pairings belong to, though. Not sure if I really want to, either.

Mpreg and Other STDs

(Oh god no! I knew this guide was a bad idea!)

Now let's have a look at the topic for all the hardcore-Slashers, my dear reader. Mpreg.

'Mpreg' is an abbreviation for 'male pregnancy'. Yes, you've read correctly. Male pregnancy.

"How is that possible?" you might ask yourself, my dear reader. The answer is simple: it isn't.

But that doesn't stop people from writing about it. Because if you can make Sir Leon marry a crossbow, why shouldn't he also get pregnant from it? (… Ouch.)

So if you want to write a story that features 'Mpreg', (which you really, really shouldn't do,) please keep these things in mind:

1. Forget everything you know about human anatomy.

2. Forget everything your parents told you about birds, bees and carnal intercourse.

3. Never forget about the rule that fits literally everywhere! If someone gets pregnant, it's "mostly Merlin, sometimes Arthur, funnily enough never Uther". (All Hail The Universally Applicable Rule For Everything!)

4. If you actually get Uther pregnant, the fandom might kill you. Or celebrate you, because nobody ever dared it before.

5. Make all the characters in your story forget everything they know about human anatomy, birds, bees and carnal intercourse.

6. If someone questions the feasibility of male pregnancy: it's always the magic's fault! (Uther successfully ruled an entire kingdom with this attitude, after all.)

7. Don't explicitly write about the birth itself. Because that would mean having to explain how it's possible for a human being to give birth to a baby without such things as ovaries, uterus, placenta or vagina. (Seriously, which hole is the baby supposed to crawl out of?! … Oh. Right.)

(Ew…)

(Let's change the topic.)