Heya, I'm not dead! Please don't kill me for the ridiculously large amount of time I needed for this chapter!
But I've got some good(?) news, too: it is not entirely impossible that I may be able to finish this guideline before I run away to the Australian wilderness for my year abroad. (My flight is in just a little over a month and I'm SO EXCITED!) If I don't get it done until then, it'll still be posted before I get back, since I'll probably (hopefully) have internet access down there. Yay.

(Also, please note that I added the term "Trope" to the Abbreviation chapter.)

Characters

Now that all the technical terms of have been listed, explained and deflamed visualised, it's time for you, my dear reader, to take a closer look at the characters of the 'Merlin' fandom.

What a Stupid Name!

The trouble with fantasy shows is that almost every single one of them has the same flaw: the names. These ridiculously long, overcomplicated, exotic sounding names are the trademark of any not so decent fantasy movie and/or TV show.

And those names are great, don't get me wrong! The only problem is the spelling.

Because as much fun as it is to hear them in the TV show, writing them is a different matter entirely.

And since the Internet (is only ever used to look up p*rn and cat pictures - I MEAN!) doesn't have the answer to anything (except it does, in this case), it can be quite a challenge to find out how the names of your favourite characters actually look like written out on paper. Or a computer screen.

You can count yourself lucky, my dear reader, because this particular show we're talking about deals with the Arthurian Legend. Names like 'Merlin' or 'Arthur' should be easy enough to write out. (Just think about the 'Lord of the Rings' fans or the 'Naruto' fans…)

But still, there are some names that are written wrong so frequently I sometimes wonder if it's some kind of postmodern stylistic device meant to elucidate the impermanence and fragility of historical accuracy, solely used by fanfiction writers. (I feel incredibly intelligent right now.)

But since it most likely isn't, take this advice: Just make sure to get these goddamn names right, it's not rocket science!

Take poor Gaius, for example. He never did anything wrong. (Except, you know, standing by and letting Uther murder all the innocent sorcerers during the great purge without even attempting to help, but that's beside the point.)

But for some strange reason, every second author throws him out of the TV show and replaces him with a horrible stunt double with an eyebrow-twitching-problem, whose name is 'Giaus', 'Guais', 'Gauis' or sometimes even 'Gus'. (I'm not making that up, I really actually read that once!)

That does not only confuse the readers, it also makes them sad, because sooner or later they will come to realise that Gaius actually died and had to be replaced. We learned our lessons from Dumbledore, after all. (And now the 'Harry Potter' fans hate me, too.)

But Gaius is harmless in contrary to other, more interesting examples.

I don't expect you to know that E.T.'s little sister from series 5 is called Euchdag, and I don't demand of you to know how to properly spell Wilddeoren, Fomorroh or even Sidhe.

Because yes, these names are difficult to spell and it is kind of impossible to guess the correct writing from their pronunciation. But that's what you've got Google for, after all! Or Bing! Or whatever search engine you're using!

There even is a whole pseudo-Wikipedia website about the 'Merlin' fandom, with names and everything! (And if by some miracle you don't already know which website I'm talking about, my dear reader: google 'Merlin Wiki' and marvel at the omniscience of the Internet. You're welcome.)

In a nutshell: if you don't know how to spell the name, don't use the character.

Thank you.

Those Deep, Stormy, Azure Sapphires

(Just to clear things up: this chapter is not actually about mineralogy.)

Of course, the name is not everything you have to mind about the characters. Another very important part is the appearance. Merlin's neckerchief, Gaius's eyebrow, Arthur's little toe, these are all essential trademarks for our heroes.

So if you want to write about one of the characters, my dear reader, make sure you excessively describe their outer appearance. Thoroughly. To the tiniest detail.

It does not only make the story seem more interesting, it also helps with the names. If you don't know how to spell 'Gaius', just stick to calling him 'the old man', 'the physician' or 'that ancient creepy dude with long white hair and impressive eyebrows who for some reason has medical knowledge from 500 years in the future'.

Or if you want to write a story that features the Sidhe Elder, but don't know his name, just call him 'that tiny glowing smurf with wings, bat ears and an appalling set of teeth'. Everybody will know whom you're talking about!

Using the appearance instead of names can also be extremely helpful during long dialogues. Only ever writing 'Merlin' and 'Arthur' gets dull and uncreative with time. So why not just call them 'the blonde' and 'the raven/dark/black-haired boy'. By the way, please don't simply write 'the raven'. Ravens are anatomically incapable of sharpening anyone's sword. (And wow, that just sounded a lot more dirty than I intended!)

You see, the descriptions of your characters' appearances are not only necessary, but helpful and rich in variety as well.

But remember! Their eyes are NOT blue! Blue is boring.

They are baby-blue, sky-blue, sea-blue, ocean-blue, steel-blue, royal blue, cornflower blue, sapphire, azure, ultramarine, indigo, cobalt, cerulean, I'm running out of synonyms, midnight blue, gentian blue, Byzantine blue, traffic blue, this is getting ridiculous, Capri blue, dove blue, Copenhagen blue… but NOT just average blue! (I'm actually out of breath right now, and I didn't even talk out loud.)

So don't you dare write 'blue eyes', if you can just as well use 'those deep, stormy, Byzantine blue ocean-like orbs of awesomeness' instead!

The Time-Travelling Superhero Schoolgirl Warrior Model Witch

We all know them, we all hate them: the Own Characters.

Own Characters, my dear reader, are characters dreamt up by the authors. They are easily recognizable and only serve one purpose: to get on your nerves.

About 98.45683% of the Own Character are Mary Sues. 1% are Marty Stus. The remaining 0.54317% are bearable.

Don't get me wrong, inventing own characters is not only good for giving variety to a story, it also is absolutely necessary for almost all story plots you can come up with. You need guards, knights, servants and even some Evil Dudes to make your story more interesting and alive.

But don't invent a main character. Never a main character. NEVER!

Because no matter how noble your intentions, sooner or later, your Own Character will mutate into a Mary Sue. (It's some kind of virus, I think.)

If you ask yourself "But what is a Mary Sue?", do not worry. The answer is simple.

A Mary Sue is perfect. Completely and utterly perfect. That kind of perfect that's solely reserved for Spectacularly Bad Hollywood Action Movie Heroes (Yes, that's a term. Deal with it.), five-star chefs' pastries and toothpaste advertisements. It's the kind of perfect that makes you scoff and think, "Yeah, sure. Because that's not unrealistic and exaggerated at all."

You see, Mary Sues are not only the perfect example for perfect, they are perfection incarnate. And everybody hates them for it. Which is perfectly understandable. (I can't believe I just wrote that. I should allow my beta to delete such incredibly stupid sentences for me.)*

Fortunately, it is very easy to discern a Mary Sue. Just look out for these criteria and if three or more are applicable, chances are the character is a Mary Sue or a Marty Stu.

1. (S)he looks incredibly beautiful / fit / attractive / cute.

2. (S)he is an incredibly powerful sorcerer / sorceress / witch / warlock / enchantress.

3. (S)he is an incredibly skilled warrior / fighter / archer / swords(wo)man.

4. (S)he has an incredibly tragic past. This can entail A: the murder of both her/his parents by Evil Dudes or Uther. B: the death of both her/his parents by a tragic accident. C: generally everything that makes her/him an orphan, because Mary Sues are always orphans. (Must be some kind of qualifier.)

5. One (or several) of the main characters fall in love with her/him. And I'm talking about the Merlin / Arthur / Gwaine kind of main character, not the Uther / Gaius kind.

6. (S)he is incredibly cheeky / insolent / pert / flippant, but still a lovable person. (At least, that's what the author thinks. The reader begs to differ.)

7. (S)he is incredibly smart and immediately gets everything. (S)he is so smart that (s)he even has medical knowledge so bizarre and advanced even modern physicians would be out of their depths.

8. (S)he is brave to – and beyond – the verge of stupid.

9. (S)he doesn't die. Even though (s)he is most likely severely hurt during the story (s)he never dies, not even the heroic, I-Just-Sacrificed-Myself-To-Save-All-The-Others-So-You-Better-Be-Moved-To-Tears kind of death.

10. (S)he is incredibly kind, caring, forgiving, selfless and helpful.

11. (S)he is in some kind or another related to Merlin and/or Arthur.

12. (S)he comes from the future and landed in the Middle Ages by some accident. And even though (s)he shouldn't have any idea how to survive without soap, brand-name clothes, electricity, the Internet and Instagram, (s)he adapts to the situation immediately and without any problems whatsoever.

13. (S)he has some completely and utterly ridiculous name like Amethyst, Starlight, Babe or Flower. (What makes this criterion so depressing is that names like that actually exist in the real world. Well, at least that explains why the authors kill off their characters' parents…)

A friendly advice, my dear reader: Should you find a Mary Sue in a story, stop reading. Or write a review in which you politely point out the physical, biological, anatomical and cosmetic surgical inconsistencies of the character. Politely. And very, very carefully. If you get a very impolite, huffy and/or insulting answer, ignore it. (In fact, I write this kind of review on a regular basis, just to delight in how creative the answering insults can get. It's very fascinating, really.)
(God, I'm a horrible person.)

Because even though the creators of Mary Sues will tell you that NO, of COURSE the character isn't meant to be THEM, don't be stupid!, they still take a ridiculously large amount of offence at any kind of criticism against said characters. I wonder why.

* In fact, my beta did want to delete that sentence, but I didn't let her, because I'm an evil bastard like that.