Grant watched as the rest of team laughed and joked. He was sitting in the shadows holding a book. Fitz walked by.
Fitz, another regret in a life full of regrets.
It had been 6 months since Coulson had brought him back to the team. Something about second chances. It seemed that Coulson and Fitz were the only ones that believed in Grant. Then again Coulson had taken the same crazy juice as Garrett and Fitz was… different.
Laughter came from Skye, as she sat on Lance's lap. He used to think that Skye acted like this to get a rise out of him. That changed last month when he was walking and saw Skye leaving Lances room. Lance was with her and gave him a cocky grin. The look Skye gave him was full of derision. Ward walked by as if he had not seen anything. He sat in his room after the encounter and finally accepted the hard truth. It did not hurt him as much as he thought it should. Perhaps because he had accepted it a long time ago. It was as if a switch had been flicked and from that moment he started treating Skye like every other person in the team. Except for Fitz of course.
How Fitz had forgiven him was a mystery. He had always known he was not a good man. What Fitz had done with his forgiveness had shown him how far from good he truly was.
He knew the change in his attitude upset Skye. He had gone from cold and needy, to simply cold. Instead of staying in Skyes shadow, away but able to see her. Ward now actively avoided her. And when he spoke he was abrupt. Always professional but there was a coldness which he reserved for others and now also for Skye.
He sighed deeply. Maybe that was progress.
He knew somebody was staring at him. After looking at the reflection on a window unobtrusively he saw it was Skye. If he didn't know any better he would swear she had been stalking him. Which of course was insane. But it seemed now wherever he was Skye was there. A thought entered his mind which he squashed ruthlessly. Why would a woman tell a man they hated him, why would a woman be in a relationship with someone else, if they like... don't even go there Ward, he mentally chided himself.
Ward looked at the book he was holding and changed the page. Trying to get the feeling of Skye's penetrating eyes of his back. Which thanks to having every single action of his monitored for an year wasn't that hard. The book was the Count Of Monte Cristo. He knew Lance had put it on his table to upset him. But he accepted it like all the insults hurled his way.
It sometimes felt that Lance was jealous of Grant. Which was even more insane than Skye having feelings for him. Lance was the one in a relationship with Skye, what had he got to feel jealous for.
It was times like this when he missed pretending to be someone else. Things were always easier when he was pretending to be someone else. Why people acted a certain way with the person he was portraying to be was easy to understand. Why people acted a certain way with him. Definitely not easy.
He looked at the book and one phrase stuck out. "All human wisdom is contained in these two words - Wait and Hope". Such a simple sentence. He stared at his wrist in confusion. Was that why he had tried to commit suicide. Was that the reason he had decided that once Hydra was defeated he would… because he had no hope. Was it truly that simple.
He knew others had done worse things than him and been redeemed. Hell Natasha Romanoff had burnt down a hospital, knowing full well the maternity ward would also go up in flames.
No, the difference was he knew the truth, although he would never tell anyone anyone the secret. That was the one secret he would keep. This secret was his greatest shame, and he was glad one day it would end with him. The secret of why he would never be redeemed. Why even if Skye confessed her love, he would turn his back on her. Why he …. why he could never be redeemed.
Suddenly Ward made a decision
He walked with a purpose into Coulson's office and knocked. He was not going to take no for an answer