Chapter 2- Forget but Not Forgive

Sherlock Holmes wasn't an ordinary man, everyone knew that, even the least perceptive person who ever laid eyes on him knew that.
So when Sherlock Holmes felt the stab in his chest when he saw John after almost 3 years, he was sure that something in him had been ruined. He reacted like an ordinary man; with all the heart fluttering and the anxious nausea that he swore he'd never have. It took more than a few seconds for Sherlock to understand that John wasn't alone, and that was even more embarrassing for Sherlock to admit.
Sherlock was fascinated by the look of the small creature in John's arms. She looked just like her father, and that made Sherlock love her in a heartbeat. But that wasn't even the worst part.

The worst part was going to happen a few minutes later, when Sherlock pushed John into his old bed and had to fight the unexplainable impulse to join him.
For almost three years (two years and 297 days, he reminds himself), that he had done his absolute best to stay away from John Watson. It was one of the most difficult things he had to do, but it was better than putting John and Mary in danger.
Moriarty was waiting for them, Sherlock was sure of that, and he had to get them out of the spotlights. Since Moriarty came back three years ago, Sherlock and John had chased him around on several occasions, but none of those times came to a satisfying conclusion. When Emily was born, Sherlock figured out that the longer Moriarty was free, the more dangerous he would become. He had already received all kinds of threats from Moriarty about Emily and John, and he was sickened by the horrible ideas. Therefore, something had to be done, something to keep them away from Moriarty's claws; kicking them out of his life seemed like the easiest, most practical solution. And he didn't like it one bit.

At first, things went terribly wrong, as things always did when John was not around. Sherlock was practically broken, he barely left the flat, and when he did, it was for only Moriarty-related cases. There were a lot of those, but not enough to keep him occupied for long. He smoked all the time, composed, and was always alone. He barely spoke with anyone; even with Mycroft or Greg. He was completely alone, and felt tortured by John's disappearance from his life. When John first came to Baker Street, it was about a month after Sherlock decided to kick him out of his life. John looked so sad and disappointed, so hurt as he thought that Sherlock didn't want him around anymore, that he didn't need him. He didn't understand that there was nothing Sherlock wanted more than to be with John for the rest of his life.

There's an old saying that says only when you lose someone, do you understand how much he means to you. Sherlock had thought about that saying ever since he jumped off that building 6 years ago, and had to spend two whole years without John. The worst two years of his life, that's for sure. But also, he learned during those two years that he had something ordinary in him, something he never wanted to have, it was someone else's dream. He learned what it's like to be in love.
He had never felt like this before; at first it wasn't that bad, but as time passed it just got worse. He began to lose himself in daydreams and being all ridiculously emotional. It got even worse when Sherlock came back and John returned to his life. Sherlock was as happy as a person like him can be, but felt his heart break a little bit every time he saw Mary kiss John or hug him, or basically just saw them together.
The great Sherlock Holmes was in love.
Still in love, unfortunately.

So when John Watson came to his doorstep, asking for his help with a little baby in his arms, there was no way Sherlock could have said 'no', even if he really wanted to. Which, of course, he didn't. He did his best to hide the sudden joy he felt when he saw John, and especially when John told him about the divorce.

It didn't change anything, it was not like Sherlock could just grab his hand, take him to his bed and make him scream with joy (even though he really wanted to). But, at least there was hope. And Sherlock could sure use some hope in this awful situation.

Sherlock is now coming downstairs from John's old room, trying to fight the stubborn thoughts about joining him in bed. Not for sex or anything like that (not that he would mind), but just so he could spend every second next to John. Pathetic little wish, he knows that, but unfortunately it doesn't help him to suppress any of his wishes that are John-related.
Sherlock picks up his violin, figuring it might help to suppress some of his thoughts, but as he do so, he remembers it's not just him in this flat anymore: John could use some good sleep, and then there's the baby to consider. No, the violin would have to wait until morning. He shouldn't make John want to run away from the flat before he even gets the chance to spend a little time with him.

Sherlock looks around the flat, trying to find something that would keep him away from his thoughts, and decides to start a new experiment. But for the first time in his life, it would be a sentimental experiment.
Determined and not at all scared (probably because he is a bit high, but no one has to know that), he decides to start a new experiment about John's reactions to him after those 3 agonizing years.
First, they will need to recover their friendship, which John clearly needs right now. He needs all the comfort and the support he can get from Sherlock and Sherlock isn't going to let him down. He will do anything to help John get through this rough time, including dealing with the divorce and helping with Emily. He would show John that, and then Sherlock will begin with his master plan.
Sherlock would make John fall in love with him.
He can do it, of course he can.
He's the great Sherlock Holmes, remember?

Then again, making a person fall in love with you might be a bit hard for a high-functioning sociopath, Sherlock thinks to himself as he sits in his armchair, trying to figure out the perfect way to make John fall in love with him. Even though the falling-in-love thing is the desired result, Sherlock cannot deny that the progress is no less important; he knows for sure that John will need time to adjust to the new situation and it's better for him to actually think and not just fall into Sherlock's arms with uncontrolled passion. No, that's not what Sherlock wants. He wants to be more than just his occasional comforting sexual partner, he wants something real. Sherlock closes his eyes and tries to focus. He decides that the best thing to start with is an apology; Sherlock hates to apologize, but it is absolutely necessary for John to rely on him again.
He has to promise, even without words, that he won't abandon John again, as he did twice before.

Sherlock feels a stab of guilt in his chest as he thinks about all the things John has gone through the last three years, and Sherlock wasn't there to help him as John would have been if things were the other way around. He had wanted to run back into John's life so many times, but stopped himself as he remembered that John would be much safer without him.
Sherlock tries to suppress the thoughts about the last three years, or at least cut the emotions from them, and starts to figure the perfect way to retrieve John's trust in him.
Sentiment has never been his area; nevertheless, he promises himself that he won't give up — he will do his best. No matter how hard it might be, he will never, never give up on John; the universe has given him a third chance, and he won't mess it up this time for the world.
It is all a matter of self-control, really, and Sherlock is the master of self-control.
At least, so he thinks.

The next morning John gets up to the smell of freshly cooked eggs and coffee. He wakes up confused and a bit overwhelmed by where he is. This isn't the way he remembered mornings in Baker Street; the mornings he remembered were generally filled with Sherlock playing the violin or conducting some awful experiments in the kitchen, usually including various body parts stolen from Bart's. Sometimes he wasn't even home when John woke up, and was already running on some new case, leaving John to his boring job at the surgery. But if there's anything missing from John's memories, it is of Sherlock making or even eating breakfast. Yesterday he made tea, today he is making breakfast… John doesn't really know what to think, but he can't control the extraordinary happiness that takes over suddenly. Being back in Baker Street sure does amazing things for the soul, John thinks to himself sarcastically. He can only imagine the irritated eye-rolling Sherlock would have given him if he said it out loud.

He comes down the stairs as he hears the sound of his daughter's laugh and Sherlock's playful voice. "Good morning, John, slept well?" Sherlock asks as John comes into the kitchen and kisses Emily's forehead with a good morning greeting. Without waiting for an answer Sherlock adds, "I made some breakfast. I hope you don't mind, but as your youngest just told me, it is horrifying." Emily giggles and looks at her godfather with complete admiration in her eyes as if she has known him since the day she was born. It shouldn't surprised John so much, really, she is a Watson after all.
"So what do you suggest then?" John asks and looks at the pan; what was in it John cannot guess. If it smells like eggs, looks like rice and Sherlock made it—it must be safer not to eat it.
"Well, I hoped you could cook something for us, but I see you haven't slept very well at all, and clearly you are exhausted. So maybe we can go eat downstairs at Speedy's. I'm paying." John looks at Sherlock astonished; with his both deduction and consideration about his sleep and also about his suggestion to go eat breakfast outside, which he offers to pay for. He has already forgotten what it's like to live with Sherlock Holmes — every day is a surprise.

Five minutes later, they are coming down the stairs to eat some breakfast. For John it feels like celebrating his first morning, hopefully among many, in Baker Street. As Sherlock opens the front door, they hear footsteps behind them, and John remembers that Mrs. Hudson doesn't know that he has moved back in, even if it's just for a short while. Mrs. Hudson comes out of her flat and shouts in surprise as she sees John for the first time in more than a year. She hugs him tightly, weeping with joy as he tells her that he is moving back in for a week or so.
"I'm so happy you finally resolved all those little arguments between you two, we need you here, John." John gives Sherlock a swift glance and sees that Sherlock is feeling extremely uncomfortable. John knows that only he can sense it, that only he knows him well enough to recognize those glimpses of emotions Sherlock shows from time to time, and is glad that he can still see them, even though a long time has gone by since he last saw the great heart as well as the great mind.
John quickly changes the subject to Sherlock's relief and introduces Emily to Mrs. Hudson, who's weeping with joy as the little child says 'hello.' Emily clearly isn't used to be the center of attention, and she blushes when Mrs. Hudson praises her for being "unbelievably beautiful and cute."
John holds his daughter's hand and smiles at Mrs. Hudson. As politely as he can, he tells her that they are hungry and in a hurry, so they can't stay and chitchat. Mrs. Hudson pats his shoulder and hugs Sherlock, wishing them both a good morning and that she won't give up on a proper conversation so quickly. John promises her to come for a cuppa in the afternoon, and she finally lets them go for their early breakfast.

They find a nice spot in Speedy's and order bacon sandwiches for the three of them. They eat in comfortable silence. John and Sherlock are staring at each other with so many unspoken questions in their eyes that they are both eager to know the answers to. But they can't really open the subject in front of the child, who's staring at them staring at each other.
"Do you hate each other?" she asks innocently. Both Sherlock and John look at her, completely shocked by her question. Sherlock is the first one to recover: "Of course not," he says to her, "Why would you think that?"
"You are staring at each other in a really weird way. I never saw daddy staring at someone like that. And you didn't talk for decades. It only made sense," she says and shrugs, seeming worried about their response, as if she might be punished for that false deduction.

"It's not hate, love, not at all. We just need to get use to each other again; it's been a long time since we spent time with one another." John gives Sherlock a meaningful look as he explains the situation gently to his daughter. Emily gives Sherlock a doubtful look, and moves a hand through her hair.
Finally, she asks him the question that she has wanted to ask since she saw him this morning: "Am I supposed to love you even though you hurt papa?"
Sherlock tenses immediately and looks despondently at John. He didn't know what to say to the little girl.
"I'm sure he had his reasons, right, Sherlock?" John asks and sounds despondent himself, although it seems that it's for a whole different reason.
"You have no idea," Sherlock confirms and relaxes as John and Emily give him a reassuring look.

An hour later, all three of them are upstairs, sitting in the living room. Sherlock is thinking, as usual, and John reads "Alice in Wonderland" to little Emily.
It is peaceful and pleasant, and feels like home. As if it is meant to be exactly like this, just John, Sherlock and Emily.
Who even cares about Mary? Or Moriarty? Right now they have each other, and a long road in front of them so they could build up their friendship again. John still wants his answers and Sherlock still wants to start his plans to make things different, but all that can wait until later.
Right now, they can actually enjoy the togetherness, the domestic bliss that relaxes them.
Sherlock looks at John as he reads the story, and he feels something stirring in his stomach.
Sentiment; what an awful yet a wonderful thing, he thinks to himself, and lets himself relax at the unique sight.

But Sherlock doesn't know that troubles are about to knock on their door, and the most horrible and wonderful things that he'll ever experience are just around the corner.