A/N: Thank you so much for the response to the first chapter...it completely blew me away! I liken this story to a roller coaster - there will be lots of ups and downs before the ride comes to a complete stop. I lost my dad almost three years ago, so many of Kono's reactions were mine as well...write what you know, right? This next chapter is a long one - they won't all be like that, but breaking it into two short chapters just didn't feel right to me. I hope you enjoy.
I don't own anything related to CBS or Hawaii Five-0. No copyright infringement is intended.
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The next couple of days passed slowly for Kono. Her health was stable, as was her baby's. The emotional aspect of things was another story, however. She was starting to get pissed at everyone who came into her room. The damn nurses kept bringing her trays of food, but she left them untouched. Didn't they know that the mere thought of food nearly made her sick? She heard their whispers, but didn't care what they did to her. She just wanted everyone to leave her alone.
She tried bargaining with anyone who would listen. Just please bring Adam back and she would do whatever they asked of her. She would change. She would become a better person, if only Adam would come back. But Adam never came back. Finally, she gave up. She fell into a fitful sleep, where Adam was alive in her dreams. A dark secret that had taken hold in her mind was that sometimes, she wished she would never wake up.
When she awoke, the shadows had shifted against the wall. She glanced around the room, disoriented. She furrowed her eyebrows, trying to make sense of things. Her eyes were gritty and felt like they had sand in them. Whispers of the conversation between her and Danny tormented her once again. Adam was gone. Gone.
A knock on the door broke through her haze. Staring as the door opened, she turned away from the figure approaching the bed. She didn't want to talk; she just wanted to be left alone. It was why she had essentially told everyone to get the hell out of her room.
"Hello, Kono. It's good to see you awake." The kind face of Dr. White peered down at the figure gazing out the window. The staff psychologist placed a dinner tray on the table next to Kono's bed.
Kono knew that she was being a bitch, but she wanted to be alone. Alone with the thoughts that she knew would torture her, but they were thoughts of Adam, and frankly, were the only thing she had left of him right now.
Dr. White took no offense at Kono's posture. She pulled up a chair and sat next to the bed. "Kono, I know that you are going through a terrible ordeal right now. I also know that you are handling things the best way that you feel you know how. But you can't keep shutting yourself off from the people who love you. I understand you've asked that no visitors be allowed in. I have to say that I do not think it's a good idea. It's not good for you…"
Kono slowly turned to face Dr. White. "Not good for me? Not good for me? How dare you tell me what's good for me? The man that I love is gone. Not gone like he went to work and he'll be back soon, but gone like he's never coming back again." Kono's voice broke. "So Dr. White, you know what? You don't get to tell me how I'm supposed to react to Adam's death. You don't get to tell me what's right and wrong about what I feel. Just get the hell out! Leave me alone!"
Kono grabbed the tray of food and flung it at the door, barely flinching at the loud crash that it made. At the noise, two nurses and Danny came running into the room, barely avoiding the puddle of soup on the floor. Kono sat in the middle of the bed breathing heavily, tears streaming down her face.
Nobody moved for a moment, the silence permeated by the steady drip of something—soup or tea, perhaps—dripping onto the floor. Finally, one of the nurses got a towel and started to mop up the mess. Danny turned to see Dr. White checking Kono's chart.
Danny pleaded with her quietly. "Dr. White, please. Can I have a minute with her alone?"
Dr. White nodded. "Okay, but I just don't want her hurting herself…or the baby…any further. She's refusing all food, and hasn't eaten in two days. Detective Williams, I don't want to have to sedate her or find an alternate way of giving her nutrition, but I have to look out for more than just her health here, understand?"
Danny nodded. With that, Dr. White motioned for the nurses to leave the room, and shut the door behind her on her way out.
Danny looked at the crumpled mess that was his friend, and his heart broke. How could he help her, when it seemed like she was giving up. He approached the bed cautiously, glancing to see if there was anything else that Kono could throw. Finding nothing, he sat quietly, letting Kono choose when and how to make the first move.
They sat in silence for a while, each lost in their own thoughts. Finally, Danny could sense that Kono was staring at him. He turned to see her chocolate-colored eyes brimming with tears once again.
"Danny, I'm sorry. Everyone tells me that I should be feeling this or feeling that, but you know what? Most of the time, all I feel is sad and empty. I'm sorry that I'm not handling things the way that everyone thinks that I should, but Danny, I can't do this. He was the one, you know? I'm not strong enough to do this on my own. I don't know how I'm supposed to live without him."
Danny reached his hand out and placed it gently on her shoulder. He could feel her shivering, even though the room was at a comfortable temperature. He stood and pulled the bedspread from the foot of the bed and wrapped it around her shoulders. Once he was satisfied, he sat back on the bed, facing her.
"Kono, I know you're lost without him. But you're forgetting one thing. Ohana. You and Steve and Chin taught me about that when I wanted to get the fuck off of this pineapple infested hellhole. You all kept at it until I finally understood what that meant. You are not alone, babe. There is no doubt about the shittiness that is this situation. But we are here for you…you do not have to go through this on your own."
He wasn't sure she was really hearing him, but had to keep trying. "I'm not saying it's going to be easy, but you have to figure out a way to survive. Concentrate on the next minute, then the next hour, but figure out a way." Danny's voice was rough. "You just lost Adam. Don't let us lose you, too. You have to take care of yourself…and your baby…you have to find a way to try. Please?"
It was the way that he said 'please' that got to Kono. She reached out and grabbed his hand, pulling him towards her. She wrapped her arms around his middle, and buried her face into his chest, craving the comfort her friend provided. "Danny, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to…"
Danny rubbed gentle circles along her back, and felt her tears soak through his shirt. He simply let her cry, knowing that the dam had finally sprung a leak.
He caught sight of Steve standing in the doorway and shook his head. She was far from better, but was glad that she felt comfortable enough around them to let her guard down. Danny knew that she prided herself on being able to compartmentalize her emotions, but he knew that there was not a compartment in the world big enough for the crap that she was going to have to go through.
0-0-0-0-0
Over the next full day, Kono managed to eat just enough to keep everyone off of her back. She hadn't thrown anyone else out of her room, and there were whispered mumblings about finally sending her home. She really didn't care where she went, but wanted to leave the hospital. The walls kept feeling like they were closing in on her. She longed to be near the ocean, which had always been something that she and Adam had shared – whenever life got in the way, they always managed to find time to get to the water and recharge themselves.
The next night, Danny found Kono curled up in a ball, staring at the wall in front of her. He was getting really worried about her. She barely ate. She rarely spoke, unless it was a one or two word answer. He couldn't remember the last time she had gotten any semblance of good sleep. She hardly cried any more, which was what concerned him the most. She had never been what he would call emotional, but right now, she had completely shut down. He knew that that couldn't be good for her or for the baby.
He stood in the doorway, lost in thought. Dr. White had given him some information on grief after loss. He could tell that Kono had touched on a few of the stages, but had yet to really work through anything. Right now, she merely existed; and that was saying a lot.
They had talked at length about sending her home, but no one wanted to send her home on her own. Too much alone time was not going to be good for her. Danny reassured Dr. White that the team all lived nearby, and would spend most of their time with her; helping her heal…it was their promise to Adam, who truly had broken from the Yakuza, and had gotten caught in the middle of a pissing contest that he could not win.
Danny shook himself out of his reverie before he knocked on the doorframe. He didn't have Grace for a few more days, so he had volunteered to take the night shift at the hospital. The one thing Steve had been adamant about was that Kono would not be alone…one of the team would stay with her around the clock. They had to insist that Chin give up a shift or two, knowing his propensity to go until he dropped, especially since it was Kono who was hurting.
After his knock, Kono made no effort to greet him, so he came in and pulled his tie off, tossing it onto the end of the bed. He plopped down into the chair and leaned forward, his chin in his hands. After what felt like an eternity, he noticed Kono shifting in the bed. Slowly, she turned to face him.
"Danny, he's not gone, right? Right?" She sounded so lost and afraid, it nearly broke his heart. He moved to sit on the edge of the bed.
"Kono, I wish with everything that I have that he would come back, but he's gone. I'm so sorry…" With that, he reached out and gathered her into a tight embrace. He hoped that she would absorb whatever strength he could offer her. They sat like that until he could hear muffled mumbling coming from his chest. He pulled back to look at her, his eyes comforting. He waited to see if she would repeat herself.
She whispered softly, her eyes on the blanket. "I haven't even said the word. I was afraid if I said it out loud, that it would be true…that he would really be gone. I didn't want to admit to myself that he really died. Danny, why did he have to die?" Her voice choked on that last word.
He reached out and wiped the tears away with his thumbs. "I don't know, babe. I just don't know."
Kono reached up and grasped onto one of his hands, squeezing tightly. She looked up despondently. "Am I a bad person? Did I do something wrong?"
Danny firmly placed his finger under her chin, forcing her to look at him. "Kono, this isn't your fault. You haven't done anything wrong. You are the sweetest, most compassionate person I know. Adam was absolutely crazy about you."
Kono shook her head. "Danny, I don't want him to be gone. I want him to come back and hold me, and tell me that everything is going to be all right. I want to see him smile at me, and I want to look into his eyes and see our future. I want him to see his baby being born. I just want…" Kono couldn't go on. She was overcome by painful sobs; sobs that tore through her heart.
Danny took his familiar place next to her, gathering her into his arms. He murmured soothing words into her ear, hoping that she would settle on her own. He knew that she needed to have some control over her grief, and sedating her would only make things worse for her. He knew how much she hated losing control.
Eventually, her sobs were replaced by an occasional hitched breath. She took the tissue that Danny held out, wiping her eyes gently. She lay back against the pillows wearily. "God, I'm sorry. Just when I think I might be able to grasp all of this, I go off." She let out a tortured sigh. "I don't know what I'm doing anymore."
She sat up suddenly, her hand over her mouth. Danny hurriedly reached for the garbage can, hoping there was no sympathy puking in his future. Kono shook her head. "Oh God, Danny. The funeral. I have to plan the funeral. There are people to call; I've got to make arrangements. I can't believe I didn't think of it sooner. What's wrong with me? I feel like I'm going crazy."
Danny wrapped his arms more securely around her. "Hey, hey…stop. You're not crazy. You've tried to hold everything together. It's simply too much for anyone to go through alone. You have to give yourself a break, here. Chin, Steve and I will help with the arrangements. You don't have to do anything tonight, though. Just get some rest."
She sat in silence for a while before whispering, "I'm afraid, Danny. I don't know how to do this on my own. I don't think I can."
Danny kissed the side of her head. "Sweetheart, you're not alone. You've got all of us in your corner, and you don't ever have to worry about that again. I promise you that."
0-0-0-0-0
Kono finally was released the next morning, provided that someone would be able to stay with her. Danny, Steve, and Chin had all volunteered, since they loved Kono and they all lived nearby. They knew, though, that all three of them would be overwhelming, to say the least.
Kono couldn't help it – she loved Chin, and he was her cousin…one of the people she loved the most in the world. But right now, he was almost too close. She just didn't know if she could handle his worry for her right now, and she didn't want to see his own grief reflecting in his eyes. It hadn't been that long ago that he lost Malia, and she knew this would be equally hard on him.
Steve was her boss – granted, he was her friend as well, but she didn't want him to look at her differently if he were to see her break down.
Danny was…well, he was just Danny. He was a good friend, and someone who would be in her corner, no questions asked. He was also strangely the calmest of the three of them in this particular situation, so ultimately, Danny was the one tasked to bring her home and stay for a couple of days.
He helped her into the wheelchair, and maneuvered his way to the exit. Chin had brought his SUV, figuring it would be easier to get in and out of. Steve and Chin were waiting as Danny pushed the wheelchair outside. Carefully, he helped her into the front seat and buckled her seatbelt.
Danny and Steve climbed into the back, depositing her bag on the floor in between them. The short drive was made virtually in silence. Kono dozed off practically as soon as they left the hospital. They stopped briefly to fill her prescription for prenatal vitamins. Danny and Chin ran into the store for the vitamins and some groceries, while Steve chose to stay in the car with his friend. He watched her sleep, his heart heavy. This had to be killing her. He didn't doubt that she would be okay, but knew that the road ahead would be filled with twists and turns.
Before too long, the two returned with the prescription and a few bags of supplies. They all knew that Kono still wasn't eating much, but he wanted to make sure she had a few things on hand that she liked. They didn't know whether the pregnancy would like them, but they had to try. Once everyone was settled again, Chin started the car and headed for Kono's house.
Parking in front of the driveway, Chin turned the engine off. He placed a hand on Kono's shoulder, gently trying to awaken her. She took a deep breath before slowly opening her eyes. For a brief moment, she had a look of hope in her eyes. "Adam?"
Chin steeled himself against the disappointment that was sure to follow. "No, ipo. It's me. We're home now."
Kono's face fell. "God, Chin. I'm sorry. It's just…when I felt your hand…for just a moment it felt like he was here with me." Her eyes filled with tears.
Chin simply reached over and hugged her as gently as he could, while Steve and Danny came around and opened her door. When she was ready to step out, Steve let her hold onto him for support, and led her towards the door.
Danny opened the door, while Steve helped her sit down on the couch. Chin brought in her bag and set it next to the couch before heading to the kitchen. Danny placed her bag in her room, and came out to sit next to her. Chin walked out from the kitchen with a glass of milk. He handed it to Kono, before sitting in front of her on the coffee table.
"What do you need, Kono? What can I do?"
Kono blinked sluggishly before looking at her cousin. "I don't know, Chin."
He squeezed her knee, understanding just how lost she was feeling.
"Guys, can you stay here for a bit? I need to run and get a few things from my house, and check in on Grace." Danny wanted Grace to understand that Kono needed him for a little bit…as much as a ten-year-old could understand, anyway.
Steve and Chin both nodded. "Take your time. We're good."
Danny threw one arm over Kono's shoulders and gave her a gentle squeeze. "I'll be right back, okay?"
Kono nodded. She was a little afraid at how much she had come to depend on her teammates in the last few days. They were such good friends to her; she wasn't sure how she could ever repay them. She hated depending on anyone, but a part of her knew that she couldn't get through this alone.
Alone. Kono knew that she was truly alone now. Yeah, she had her family and her friends, but Adam Noshimuri was the other half of her heart. He had proven to be a good man, despite what many people thought of him.
She hadn't told anyone, but she didn't know if she wanted to go on without him. It would be so easy to just slip away…she knew ways that would be quick…and then she could be with him again. One thing stopping her was knowing that Adam would be disappointed in her if she took the easy way out. He would want her to fight and be strong. She also couldn't bear the thought of crushing Chin or Danny or Steve like that. But what about what she wanted? She just wanted to have him back…to feel his lips on hers; to feel his heart beating next to hers again. But she was tempted…so very tempted.
Kono felt someone brushing away the tears that she hadn't even realized were trickling down her cheeks. She looked up with watery eyes. "Chin…?"
With that one word, Kono was in his arms. She felt like a little girl again, protected by her older cousin. All Chin could do was rock her gently, knowing how torn up she must be feeling inside. He knew that she hated grieving…she absolutely hated losing control. He whispered what he hoped would be healing words into her ear. "Shhh, Kono. It's going to be okay. You don't have to be strong right now. Just let us help you. Shhh, ipo. It's okay."
Finally, sheer exhaustion allowed Kono to fall into a fitful sleep. Chin laid her gently down on the couch and covered her with a light blanket. He hoped that she would sleep for a while. They all knew that she hadn't eaten or slept with any regularity since she had found out about Adam. As he lightly stroked her hair, he watched as her face displayed a gamut of emotions, and knew that she was dreaming.
Kono's heart flipped as Adam's hand stroked lazily up and down her back. The dress she had chosen for their date was essentially backless, and she was feeling every single pass of his fingertips on her skin.
She tucked her head more securely underneath his chin and sighed as he nuzzled the top of her head. "I love you…you know that, right?" Adam never wanted a day to go by where Kono had reason to doubt that she was it for him…she was the woman he had been searching for.
As he kissed her temple and moved towards her full lips, his breath caught as she tilted her face up to meet his kiss. She was stunning, and he was beyond blessed to have her in his life. He met her halfway, and as their lips connected, the spark was almost palpable.
Kono could barely breathe as she was swept away in the sensations that Adam brought out in her. She allowed herself to float in the strength of his arms wrapped tightly around her. She wished this feeling would last forever.
Forever…
Forever…
Adam was gone forever…
Kono slowly opened her eyes and met the worried gaze of her cousin and her boss.
Steve's eyes were kind. "Are you okay? You looked like you were dreaming."
Kono struggled to sit up, trying not to wince at the stiffness. It seemed that her body couldn't separate the physical pain from the emotional pain. Chin helped her the rest of the way before scooting closer.
"Chin, can I ask you something? Steve, maybe you too?" Kono wasn't sure if she should ask this, she had to know…to know what to expect, perhaps?
Chin and Steve both nodded, their curiosity piqued.
Kono took a deep breath before turning to face Chin. "How did you…I mean…what was it like when Malia died? Or Steve, when your parents died? I mean, Chin, I know how much you let me see, but I also know that you hid a lot from everyone. And Steve, I know how hard you took everything that happened. How did you get through it?"
Steve sighed. He had a feeling that Kono would ask this. He didn't see the necessity of talking about something that had happened so long ago, but in all actuality, hadn't really happened at all, at least for his mom. He also knew that she needed to hear his answer to this. She deserved to hear how he had handled things so badly.
"Kono, when I thought my mother had died, I was devastated. I couldn't rely on my dad, because he was lost in his own grief. I remember feeling like nothing would ever be the same…would ever be okay again. I did the only thing I could think of to do – I threw myself into school, and then into my career…at the expense of the people around me. I refused to let people in for fear that they would just leave like my parents did. It took a long time before I understood what it meant to trust someone."
Kono nodded; her face solemn.
Chin cleared his throat. "I have a lot of regrets about how I reacted when Malia died. The biggest one being how I pushed everyone away. I thought I had to be strong…I thought I had to hide how I really felt. I went about things completely the wrong way, Kono. You have to promise me something. You have to promise me that you won't shut everyone out like I did. I can't promise you when, but in time, things will start to look better. You just have to figure out a way to survive the moments in between."
The moment was broken by a knock at the door. While Kono tried to compose herself, Steve moved to open the door. He ushered Danny into the house and moved back towards the couch.
"Kono, just try to remember what we said, okay? You're not alone in this."
Kono nodded as Chin leaned over to kiss her forehead. "I'll try…I promise, I'll try."
The two hugged Danny briefly before they let themselves out. Satisfied that Kono was okay for the moment, Danny puttered around in the kitchen before returning with a plate filled with assorted cheeses and crackers. He didn't want to force her to eat, but knew that she needed something in her system. He sat down next to her, balancing the plate on the couch cushion between them.
Kono glanced warily at the food. "Danny, I'm not…"
"…hungry, I know. Just humor me and eat something, okay?"
Meeting her glare with a mock one of his own, Danny raised an eyebrow as she picked up a cube of cheese and a cracker. Once he was sure that she had actually eaten it, he busied himself with fixing his own snack. Over the course of the next half-hour, he was glad to see that she had eaten about a third of what he had put on the plate. It wasn't nearly enough, but it was a start.
He noticed her flinch as she shifted on the couch. He quickly took the plate to the kitchen, and returned with a couple of Tylenol and a bottle of water. In her discharge instructions, they did say that she could take that pain medication sparingly, but if she were to ever need anything stronger, to come back to the Emergency Room.
Holding out his hand, he reached to help her stand up. Once she was upright, he walked slowly with her to her bedroom. He occupied himself while she got ready for bed. He pulled the covers down and fluffed her pillow, keeping one ear open in case she needed help.
Once she was dressed for bed, he made sure that she took the pain relief and helped her get settled under the covers. He hoped that she would sleep soon. She mumbled sleepily as she tried to get comfortable. "Danny? Can you just stay until I fall asleep? I don't want to be alone."
Danny pulled a chair alongside the bed and sat down, his elbows on his knees. Kono tried to turn her body towards him, but ultimately settled for turning her head on the pillow. She murmured so softly that he had to lean forward to hear her.
"Thanks for being my friend, Danny. I couldn't do this without you."
Danny smiled and tucked her hair behind her ear. "You never have to worry about that, babe. Ever."