First of all: thank you so, so, so much for all the lovely responses I got. I'm really overwhelmed and it does mean a lot to me that so many seem to like my work. It's really cheering me up, so thank you!
Well, as you can see, I still exist. I'm so sorry that it took so long for me to update. As most of you know having exams is bitchy and that's exactly what it is going on here at the moment. I wanted to write another scene to this chapter because I wanted the chapter to be longer in general but I know that I just won't find the time for it the next few days and I didn't want to keep you waiting any longer.
I truly do hope that you're going to like this chapter, have fun!
I own nothing, of course and I'm still sorry about any kind of mistakes I made in here.
Having always been able to use one's legs, Regina had never thought about what would be if that possibility was gone.
Now she stood in front of her stairs trying as hard as possible to not scream out of frustration. How she was supposed to climb up twenty stairs without being able to use her legs, was a mystery to her. However it was a mystery which needed to be solved because otherwise she would not be able to get to the book she wanted so badly. Maybe if she sat down on the stairs and lifted herself up one stair after another while dragging her legs somehow along with her, she would reach the next floor.
But even if she would be able to climb up the stairs, moving around after it would hardly be possible. If she had learned one thing so far, it was that trying to force things did backfire.
But she needed to try it; she needed to get to the book. The book was her chance of… of what? She thought. Freedom? Hardly. Fighting back? Probably but she wasn't even sure whether it was worth it anymore. Henry didn't love her any longer, she thought and it saddened her that her inner voice couldn't even deny it.
But what about earning his love back, she thought. She had tried it before but maybe she hadn't tried it hard enough. Perhaps there was still a chance, a glimpse of hope.
The mere thought about hope made her laugh. Was she now suddenly turning into Snow White. Her heart was so black, white was the last thing that could be used to describe her.
Dear god, she thought, she really was turning into a crazy lady – questioning everything, being weak. Something she had never wanted to be. Regina slightly shook her head confused about all the diverse thoughts which couldn't be combined at all but which also didn't want to stop.
She turned herself and walked backwards with the walking frame, almost falling but catching herself at the last moment. As soon as she felt stair number one behind her, she slowly lowered herself. At some point she wasn't able to hold herself anymore or better yet she hadn't thought about the case that her weight would lead to the fact that that walking frame would fall over. So she fell down, kind of twisting her legs and hurting her spine. She closed her eyes for a second, trying to catch her breath and to stay as calm as possible while the pain slowly drifted away.
Then she looked behind her. Twenty stairs, she only needed to climb up twenty stairs. Only she thought and laughed once more. Her laugh sounded tired and sad. Even the coldness which had usually been within her laugh was gone. Nothing left of the once strong and fearless woman.
Slowly she lifted herself up until she felt the second stair behind her and sat down on it. If she couldn't walk those stairs up then she simply needed to literally climb them up, while dragging her legs up as well. She knew that she had been standing in front of the stairs for too long as she couldn't feel her legs anymore. Whenever she just tried to move them, they didn't do anything at all. So much about her wisdom of backfiring.
She sighed and lifted herself up again until she felt the third stair behind her. Then she pulled her legs up to her. She repeated this procedure seven more times until she felt like her body would kill her at any moment. Although her arms were perfectly healthy, she was weak in general and her arms weren't able to even the loss of her legs out.
Frustrated she leaned back which wasn't very comfortable but she couldn't care less at this very moment. Life hadn't always been fair to her but she was starting to think that this beat everything. Her entire life she had been able to run in some way and now she felt simply trapped. Trapped in her body, trapped in her mind. But perhaps it just meant that she would need to start dealing with things and to not only avoid them. She shook her head slightly – she didn't want to deal with anything at all. She didn't want to deal with the matter that she had lost Henry, again and this time much worse, nor did she want to deal with her legs or that she had failed. Failed in everything she had ever wanted. Happiness was one of those things.
She had turned into a monster, a conscienceless monster ready to kill everybody who was in her way. Now that she thought about it, and she did think about it although she tried to prevent it, it was hard for her to explain her actions. Yes, she had been desperate and very angry, she still was, but killing all those people, children even… she felt dirty. Those children, they could have been Henry.
She got up again and looked behind her; there was no way she was going to truly think about this right now.
Twenty more stairs, she then thought putting her mind to something else. She could do it. Again Regina lifted herself up until she felt the next stair and dragged her legs behind her. Her heart was pounding fast and she was sweating like hell. She had never been that out of shape, she thought. Maybe, if she undid the curse, she could start running again as she had done it in the past. At least it didn't sound like such a bad idea.
She took another stair and another one, only to realize once more that her legs were a pain in the ass. She tried to concentrate on the book which she needed so badly and made it up another stair.
Helpless – that was the first thing that came into her mind when she thought about this properly. She was not only weak but helpless and it bothered her. She needed to change something about it and she would be able to do it – somehow.
Another stair went by – six more. If she had made it up the last fourteen, the next six wouldn't be a problem, she told herself and lifted herself up.
She had never had a problem with fighting, her mind told her. Fighting was good, fighting was distracting.
The next five steps felt like a living hell to her but at some point she finally felt the end of the stairs and sighted in relief. Now she only needed to get into her room which was basically at the end of the floor.
Regina slowly closed her eyes – this wouldn't be in her way. Crawling wouldn't be an option; she would need to continue lifting herself up and dragging her legs behind her. Her arms already felt sour and she was sure if she continued this for a very long time, the pain wouldn't allow her to do anything with them anymore. Backfiring, dearie, she told herself and groaned as she moved her arms.
She shook her head, it didn't matter, she would heal herself when she had gotten her magic back which she missed deeply. Yes, magic wasn't the solution for everything but right now it seemed as the only true solution to her.
Regina kept lifting herself up, gasping from time to time because of the pain she felt in her arms and the lasting numbness of her legs.
It had never occurred to her that she would once think that although she was quite petite, some less weight wouldn't do any harm right now.
It took her another twenty minutes before she had reached her room as she had to stop several times to rest. Slowly lifting herself up, her arms almost giving in, she reached for the handle. She could have cried out in joy as the door opened. The reflection of almost being at her goal gave her some new energy.
Because there it was – the book – on her cabinet – she creeped towards it and reached out. Finally she had it. Very soon she would have her magic back and her ability to walk.
She started scrolling through it – somewhere something had to be. As she continued doing so, her impatience grew and grew… why wasn't she finding something? Nothing did really fit her symptoms but she was so sure that of something being in there as it was the most powerful book she owned.
When she reached the end of the book, she looked up; tears shining in her eyes and quiet "no" escaped her mouth. There was no spell, no code of practice, nothing that could help her.
Another "no" left her mouth, this time a little louder. Then the anger and all the desperation hit her hard and the book flew across the room. She cried out and smashed her arms into the floor. This couldn't be, she had been so certain that the book would help her
– she had forced all her way up here for absolutely nothing.
The cabinet standing behind her had had its days when she reached to it and knocked it all over.
More and more tears started streaming down her face. There had been times, she had felt desperate – even desperate enough to enact a curse as dark as nothing she had ever seen before – but the desperation she felt now was indescribable. Regina felt as though she had nothing left, no love, no hope, no anything.
She threw her bed sheets all over the room as well and then laid down on the floor crying and screaming, not caring what anybody would think about her if he or she saw her in that kind of condition. Her body felt even weaker than before and it hurt badly. The pain which she had experienced the first in the hospital welcomed her again.
Her crying didn't stop until her body was too weak to hold up any longer and she fell asleep.
Regina woke up again hours later, feeling slightly dizzy. At first she didn't exactly remember what had happened but when she saw the mess around her, she remembered only too well and she felt the desperation rising once again. She sat up and a single tear crossed her face; she had no idea what to do now.
All this didn't make any sense to her – she didn't know how to handle helpless. She knew how to handle power and to get what she want but neither of these things were given right now.
Also if only she had someone to help her but she didn't – they all hated her and probably approved of her current situation. They had won because there was no way she would be able to fight against them right now. Not even for Henry… because she wouldn't be able to take care of him, not when she wasn't even able to take care of herself anymore.
And then she snapped up – a cold chill shooting through her body– what the hell was she thinking?
All her hard work, only to lose Henry in the end? Whom was she kidding here? She would not give up –never.
Regina almost felt sick to her stomach thinking about how much she had pitied herself those last few hours. This would end now. Yes, she didn't have what she wanted right now but she could get it, if she fought. And fighting she would.
But would she be able to do it? To adapt to this? Hardly, she thought and slapped herself internally, of course she could. She had always had to adapt herself, to find new solutions; it would also work this time. Somehow. She would need some time to plan this out, to get used to her inflexibility but this couldn't be unsolvable. Not to her. Perhaps she would also find a magical solution some time but until then, she would work with what she got even if it wasn't much.
Regina felt a little queasy and started realizing that she hadn't eaten in over twenty-four hours – which she had done before but given her weak condition, it would probably be a better idea to get something to eat. But it meant that she had to somehow get the stairs down again which also meant that if she needed to get something from the second floor, she would need to climb them up anew.
Given how long it had taken her the first time, she wasn't very fond of playing that game over and over again, at least not at the moment.
She had a guest room down there which she could use and it of course also had a bathroom which was not as comfortable as her personal one but being in the bathroom would be a problem anyway, so it probably didn't really matter.
Her clothes were up her. That would be a problem… but maybe she could get some of them down. If she collected some pieces and put them into a bag which she could throw down the stairs, it could work.
Of course she would need to wash them at some point as well but that was something to figure out later.
What else, she thought. Tiding up the room would probably be a good idea but wasn't an option.
There was nothing she would need for now and if she had forgotten something than it would be her bad- more or less.
She more or less crawled into her dressing room, only to become aware of the fact that most of her clothes were out of her reach which did frustrate her but she somehow managed to calm herself down. She tried to remind herself that she did this for Henry and that she would need to find a solution for everything. Opening the wardrobe wouldn't be a problem, so she did. Then she looked around, she needed something with which she could reach up. Something that was long enough. Something like an umbrella, she thought. She had one up here, somewhere. Lifting her body out of the dressing room again, she scanned her room and then remembered. She had situated it behind the door, why she couldn't remember. Slowly she made her way towards the door and grabbed the umbrella which was still standing behind it. With a small smile she made her way back into the dressing room pushing the umbrella in front of her.
Getting on her knees was slightly possible, so she arranged her legs so that she could sit on them. Then she reached for the umbrella supporting her weight on it for a moment as she pushed herself up. She needed a few seconds until she felt some kind of balance but her legs felt better than some hours before which meant that she could at least rely a little bit on them.
Regina lifted the umbrella up reaching for some shirts and luckily she reached them the first time and they fell down. She got back and unfolded her legs. Now only some trousers which weren't all too uncomfortable were missing and underwear would be of need as well. She turned herself to the right direction and then moved herself to the dresser in which said things were placed.
She didn't need the umbrella for getting those things which she was quite happy about and even the bag in which she wanted to put the clothes in was laying somewhere at the bottom of her dresser.
As she got the bag, she put all the clothes in it and sighed contently. A feeling of confidence overcame her. She would be able to do this. There was a way to figure all this out.
She closed the dressers and carried her body and the bag out of the dressing room. Taking a last close look, she also left her bedroom, making her way towards the stairs which greeted her friendly.
She would follow the same principle which she had used to get up the stairs. Lifting herself up on one stair, putting her legs down to another.
Regina threw the bag down to the first floor remembering how she had hated it when Henry used to throw things down the stairs. She would give literally everything to get these times back. Regina wouldn't even mind anymore if Henry left all of his things somewhere at the house, she actually missed his chaos. But she would get the chaos back and him; after all she was his mother.
Pleased she noted that getting the stairs down didn't take her as long as up had done. When she reached the end of the stairs, another small smile escaped her lips. She could adapt to all this.
Seeing the wheelchair which still stood there in the hallway made her cringe. But for now it would probably be the best and easiest way to come around. She crept towards it trying to figure a way out to get into it – she didn't want to knock the thing over which wasn't very unrealistic if she did it wrong.
Firstly she checked if the wheelchair was steady. Then she again arranged her legs so that she could sit on them and pushed herself up. Being half up was frustrating, she thought. She needed to get a better solution to this because turning herself so that she could sit in the wheelchair was slightly hard and would not always work when her condition kept changing like it did at the moment.
She tried to push herself up a little more so that half her body lay over the wheelchair. At the same time she felt her legs going weak and slipping away and "damn it" left her mouth. Her arms somehow found the wheels which she grabbed. Then she let go of one wheel, turning herself so that she lay now on the wheelchair sidelong. Her breath was heavy. The arm which was now free was moved behind her back so that she could grab something which was of use. In the end she grabbed the wheel the other hand already was on but removed it the same time the hand which had been free before got hold of the wheel.
For a moment Regina thought she would lose the balance but she got hold of the wheel on the other side as well and was finally able to push herself into the wheelchair.
She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. This was improvable. Regina waited another moment so that her arms which really did feel slightly sour got a break, and then she bent down and grabbed the bag lifting it onto her lap.
Regina had never really sat in a wheelchair before let alone had tried to use it. To be quite honest, she had always thought that actually driving in it wouldn't be too hard but now that she tried to move around on her own, she realized that driving smoothly would also need some practice. However what mattered the most right now was that she would be able to move around at all.
She brought the bag with her clothes into the guest room and then drove into the kitchen. Opening the freezer she realized that there wasn't much left what she could eat. She had something left of the lasagna because she had made a double portion, so she took the box out and put it into the microwave.
For today and probably even tomorrow she would have enough to eat but then Regina would need to buy new things. However getting something on her own would hardly be possible which meant that she needed someone to take care of this. She sighed – there was nobody at all she could ask.
The microwave brought her back to reality. She took the meal out, got a fork and went into the dining room, not really caring that she ate out of a box.
She moved one of the chairs away and drove up the table. The smell of the lasagna made her stomach grumble.
Just as she intended to take the first bite, she heard the bell ring.
Ironic, she thought, she could even justify why she wasn't going to open the door since she couldn't reach it. So she took the first bite and hummed contently.
The bell rang again and even though Regina had to admit that she was curious who wanted to see her, she remained in her dining room. Eating was more important – or at least kind of.
That was until she heard a knocking behind her and as she turned, she saw Ms. Swan standing on the window, glaring at her.
Regina glared back and although she couldn't help but feel weak at this very move, she pointed to the wheelchair. The move was noticed by Ms. Swan and a slow "oh, right" formed on her lips which earned her an eye-roll from Regina. The woman would never get wiser, Regina thought but then reminded herself that she wanted to get nicer and softer although that thought was slightly irritating.
Emma gave her a sign to wait a second and Regina sighed. She was conflicted. On the one hand she was almost happy about the fact that Emma had turned up, on the other hand she had hoped that she had scared the other woman away in the hospital once and for all but she also knew that if she had actually done this, the chance of seeing Henry again would have been really, really low but so it still was right now.
Quite the contrary of having scared the other woman away seemed to be as she heard her front door opening.
Some seconds later the Blonde stood in the dining room watching Regina.
"Dear, have you come here to simply watch me eating or does your appearance have other reasons? And how did you get in here?"
Perhaps the old Regina wasn't gone completely; Regina thought to herself but then remembered again that it probably wasn't the best idea to harass the other woman. Bad habits die hard.
"I used certain old skills and no, actually, I've come here to get some things for Henry."
A small 'oh' slipped through Regina's lips but it was still loud enough for Emma to hear it. Regina didn't even comment on the other part although she had intended to at first.
On the one hand Emma felt sorry for Regina but moments like the one she had shared with Regina yesterday just didn't make it easy to actually be with her.
Regina didn't look into Emma's eyes and just made a small gesture. "You know where his room is."
She saw Emma nod and turn and then heard the Blonde climb up the stairs. It hurt Regina that Henry hadn't come on his own but the idiots had most likely forbidden it. However she would refuse if they planned on taking all his stuff with them one day. He was still her kid and he would always be.
The small voice in her head told her to stop calling the Charmings idiots however it was just too tempting to refuse.
Regina had been too abstracted to hear Emma come back the stairs. The Blonde looked a little bit puzzled.
"Uh, Regina, mind if I ask but what happened to your room?"
Oh, Regina thought this time. She had left the room open, not expecting anybody to come near it. Explanation was in order, preferably one that wouldn't be questionable. But there was no explanation that wouldn't present how desperate and weak she had been, so she just shrugged.
"I was searching for something." She said which wasn't a complete lie but also not the full truth.
"Searching? Your room looks a ninja walked through it or something."
Regina rolled her eyes at the answer she had just gotten. It had been so Emma-like. She simply shook her head in response.
"And when the heck did you search for something? I mean, there's hardly a chance you were up there since you were released."
This answer earned Emma a death glare from Regina because Regina might have been able to admit that she was weak or better yet weaker but others telling her so, was an entirely different story.
"And what makes you think that I haven't been up there since I was released?"
Emma looked at her in surprise and then just pointed at the wheelchair Regina was sitting in.
"That doesn't mean that I can't get up there… it might be a little bit complicated and not as easy as for you but I'm perfectly capable of getting up the stairs."
What Regina then saw in Emma's eyes was something she hated the most – pity. She wasn't to be pitied and Regina couldn't help but wonder where the anger of Emma had gone which she had evoked yesterday.
"Regina, you're aware that overworking yourself is not going to play out well?"
Was that really concern Regina heard in Emma's voice? Hardly, she thought. The other woman just tried to intimidate her. It's not like she deserved something better though.
"I'm aware, thank you, no need to tell me."
She couldn't help but turn on the protection mode, she wasn't ready for such kind of conversations yet especially not with Emma.
"Then why do you such things as climbing up the stairs?" Emma asked and folded her arms.
"Because I needed to look for something, not that it's your business anyway."
As much as Regina wanted to add a cold tone to her voice, it didn't work. The thought about how senseless the "looking-for-something-thing" had been made her sad especially as she didn't see any other options at the moment to give her back her flexibility.
"You should have called somebody."
Now it was Regina's turn to laugh out loud. And laugh she did.
"Call somebody? Who exactly are you thinking of, dear? You? You hate me, just as everybody else does in this town."
Mistake, was the next thing Regina had thought. Even though it was her plan to get nicer, being open about herself didn't really belong in there just yet.
"I don't hate you, Regina."
That answer got Regina by surprise and as she looked at Emma, she couldn't see any lie in Emma's face.
"What?" She asked not sure if she had misunderstood the other woman.
"I don't hate you. You really keep giving me hard times but then I'm already used to it. I admit that you're kind of a pain in the ass but who's not at least once in their lives."
Regina looked at her, kind of speechless. Yes, there were words she could say out loud to scare the other woman away again but if she had realized something then it was the fact that it didn't help her to be mean. Quite the contrary. Just sometimes she couldn't hold herself back but perhaps, maybe she should start learning how to shut up more often.
"Listen, I was mad at you yesterday. I really was but then what you said to me wasn't something new. Then I realized that you always the exact same thing when you're scared which got me thinking. And although I have to say that your words still do hurt, I think we should somehow finally start arranging things."
Regina listened carefully. Arranging things didn't sound too bad but she couldn't help and feel suspicious. Arrangements usually didn't turn out well for the Brunette which was why she stopped making arrangements and forced everyone to do as she liked.
However those times were over. And Emma had a point, a scared Regina wasn't a good thing and it usually showed in her behaving like a bitch.
Regina knew that, just as she knew that another apology was in order. It was almost funny that Regina apologized twice in three days regarding that she hadn't apologized once in over twenty-eight years before that.
Regina gulped and looked up.
"Firstly, I'm sorry Emma – again. It's just… I… I didn't mean what I said."
Regina said. She wasn't ready yet to admit to the other woman how much this entire situation scared her though.
"May I ask though what you mean with arrangements?" She then asked having a curious expression on her face.
"I thought that maybe we should actually start talking about things. Like tell each other what we want and what we don't want." Emma said and she saw the small flinch of Regina and knew that Regina had hoped for another answer. "Small steps, you know."
Regina nodded and forced up a smile. "Small steps, indeed."
Somehow she had hoped that she would get to see Henry but she knew that it was too much to ask for. She had destroyed that chance for now and it would certainly need some time until she would get another chance in that kind of matter.
"Well, so I gotta go… lots of things to do but if you want to I'll stop by tomorrow and we can talk."
There was this hopeful expression on Emma's face which Regina just couldn't completely ignore. Although she didn't understand the Blonde, and why she tried to actually make contact to her, she found herself nodding in response telling herself that she should use that little chance. A chance she probably didn't even deserve.
"Good, then see you tomorrow." Emma said and nodded turning around and walking out of the room. But then Regina heard her coming back and she looked at Emma in wonder.
"Do you need anything? I mean, should I get something for you… you know what I mean."
Regina had never liked admitting that she wasn't able to handle something but if she didn't want to starve the next day, there was no other way than to ask Emma for help. And somehow she also felt grateful – grateful towards the woman she had always considered as her enemy.
"Actually, I could use some food. But Miss Swan, no junk food. Healthy food."
Emma couldn't stop the small grin that was building on her face. It would have surprised her if she Regina hadn't at least made on last sarcastic comment before she left.
Although Regina would try to be nicer and softer, such kind of comments would always come up once in a while.
"Good, healthy food. Got that. See ya tomorrow." She smiled at Regina and turned again hearing the small 'thank you' out of Regina's mouth which made her smile. Even though she had been really mad yesterday seeing the Brunette like that proved that she wasn't a lost case. It would only need some time.
Regina was surprised about herself. Maybe her good intentions would go well for once. The Charmings would always be the typical idiots to her but it didn't mean that she wouldn't try to get along with them for Henry and for herself. Because truth was, she was tired of all the hate, the revenge. She needed to let go and talking to Emma could help. Of course there still was this small voice in her head which warned her, which didn't want her to open up and Regina was sure that it would take her some time to actually be open about herself but the mere thought that she could try was enough for now.
But what Regina didn't know was that there was someone else waiting for her who wasn't very fond of the idea that she would actually heal in the way Regina wanted to at the moment.
And as she finished her meal and brought the box back into the kitchen giving it a wash before putting it into one of the cupboards, her mother watched her.
So I hope you guys are not dissapointed by the chapter!
As I talked to my little sister about the chapter she asked me about sudden emotional change of Regina and in case some of you find it strange as well, here's what I thought. I don't think Regina is someone who would ever give up. Having times in which she feels sad and overwhelmed, are normal especially in such kind of situations. When I wrote my 12-pages assignment last year, I talked to a lot of people who have gone through desperate times and they all had one thing in common: these sudden changes in mood. And I don't know, I just wanted to be in there.
Also I hope that I'm describing the problematic of suddenly being not able to use one's legs good enough for you... in the end, it's different for every patient and with the time you get completely used to such kind of things Regina is experiencing now.
Well, at least I would be very happy to hear from you. Reviews are beyond welcomed! In fact, they make a very happy girl! Thank you in advance.