Hello guys! I can't even start to express how sorry I am to have not updated this story for such a long time! I'm so, so sorry. I have to admit that I just wasn't in the mood to continue writing and felt that school was way more important... and in the end I've passed my A-Levels and I'm now studying law and yes, I'm a happy person :). So I finally decided two days ago that I wanted to go on writing because this story truly does mean a lot to me and I hope you will read the new chapter although you haven't heard from me in so long!
I have noticed that there are quite a few mistakes in the past chapters and I'm really sorry about that but I can't seem to edit the chapters anymore, so :/ ... I'm also sorry for any mistakes which are in this new chapter.
However I hope you're going to enjoy the new chapter, although it is not very long. I just wanted to finally update! Reviews are always welcome! And thank you so much if you decide to read it :)
Regina did not notice her mother. If she had been in the same situation a couple of years before she probably would have recognized what it felt like to be watched by her but right now she was too occupied with herself, with Henry, with Emma, basically with all kind of things but her mother. Even when she drove to her new bedroom which she had kind of put together only a few moments back, it did not occur to her that someone was watching her.
As she entered the little bedroom, Regina sighed. Of course she felt tired, actually she was sure if she fell asleep, she would not wake up for hours and hours but something told her that she would not be able to fall asleep, not yet. There were too many things on her mind which needed to be thought about or had been put aside for too long. With her not being able to move around the way she wanted to and literally being stuck in one place, the weight of all this seemed to simply overwhelm her. Although she had admitted to herself that agreeing to Emmas condition was a good idea, she did not feel comfortable about it. The word fear plopped up in her head. Fear not only about how Emma would react about all this but fear about having to be honest. Honest to herself. Honest about the horrible things she had done. Honest about the person she was. But also honest about the person she could become if she allowed it. The possibility of her being a good person was there and in the end it had always been. She just had not wanted to take the chance. To even see it.
What did it actually mean to be a good person, she wondered. Was it about always making the right choices? She shook her head. Surely not, otherwise you could have never counted Emma as one, or Snow or Charming. So maybe changing herself would not be as hard as she imagined. She had already taken the first steps. She would not need to worry about making mistakes because mistakes just happen. Maybe the key was simply her attitude.
Regina looked at the bed in which she would try to find sleep soon enough. But somehow it did not feel inviting to her. It felt like loneliness. How great it would be to have someone carry her into the bed. To not need to stain oneself right now. To not bother which move to make first in order to make it to the bed and not beside it.
But would she truly accept someone to be there for her like that? She did not know. She knew that deep down, all she wanted was to be loved, to be hold, to be cared about. However the feelings deep down and her head, her consciousness were two different stories. Or were they? Because by now she was fully aware of what she wanted and what she needed.
She closed her eyes for a moment. Thinking about all of this would not help, she only kept repeating herself without achieving something at all. Actions would do, even though she could not tell yet which kind of actions.
She drove her wheelchair as near as possible to the bed and tried to lift herself up. Her arms were shaking and her legs were not any help either. Slowly lifting herself forward, her arms gave up and she fell right onto the bed, with her face being pressed into the blanket now. She groaned and tried to turn herself around but her muscles did not do as she wanted to. If she had been able, she probably would have cried by now. Regina bit into the blanket while uttering a few curses and tried to pull herself up at least a few inches so that she would not slip from the bed. As she felt steadier than before, she tried again to turn around grabbing with her hands everything she could.
After a few moments she finally got hold of herself and started turning around. She lifted up one arm and twisted it painfully until her upper part of the body was at least half turned and she was able to get some air. Then she started shifting her legs. She could not lift them up completely nor could she find any true hold but trying to rub them against each other helped to get them on top of each other. Her breath was heavy and she swore that tomorrow she needed to think this more through but that thought did not last long as her muscles suddenly reacted in a way she had not anticipated it so that her body spun around completely without her being prepared and almost slipping away just as she had tried to prevent.
Luckily she somehow got hold of herself and pulled herself up, until she was able to sit. Her heart was beating rapidly and she was sweating. Her skin was prickling and she wished she could take a shower. But this would have to wait until tomorrow. Even changing into different clothes would not happen today anymore. She was just too tired, at the very least physically .
Laying down, she sighed happily as her head met the pillow, the softness of it being a very welcomed thing. Regina managed to lift her legs up. A blanket would not be necessary since she was already way too warm.
Looking up, she thought how much everything would keep changing if she stayed disabled. Now that she was in this kind of position, she respected the people even more who had accepted to live with their disability. She was not sure whether she would be able to accept it. Changes had never been easy for her and this was a big one. It… no, she thought. If the situation did not change, then it would be just that. Something she would learn to handle, right?
A tear made its way down her face.
There were worse things that could have happened to her, weren't there? Yes, her mind told her. Loosing Henry for sure would have been her death. Her being completely paralyzed would have been worse or loosing her memory. Although she hated to know about all the things that had happened to her and all the things she had done, she would not want to miss them, she discovered. Because now, right now… they would give her the opportunity to finally learn from them, to get out of old habits because yes, she would become a better person. Some hours prior or even only a few minutes ago, she probably would not have agreed to this but she felt like a new awareness was just hitting her. Maybe, whoever had decided her fate, had had good reasons for choosing this kind of fate. Maybe it all happened for a reason, even though she could not quite grab it yet.
Regina felt confused. Confused about herself, her life, her thoughts, everything. In the end she decided to continue thinking tomorrow and closed her eyes. Sleep did not want to come to her at first, just as she had expected but she started counting backwards starting at 100 and the last number she remembered saying in her head was 39 before sleep got over her.
She dreamt about many things but somehow they were all connected which made the dream rather strange and unbelievable. It was about darkness and light, love and hate, joy and desperation. She saw herself holding a baby, being happy and then she was out and about crying, screaming. Pictures of dark forests and beautiful beaches came up. Little birds and dark ravens. Fire and water.
Her dream seemed so senseless however it all made sense at the same time. Contrasts were what described Regina best and what made her be, it had always been like that.
She heard someone calling her name, a desperate voice but she could not really place where it came from and she kept turning around and the voice got louder and louder until it screamed her name and she screamed back.. what was this, who was calling her, who wanted her attention so badly? Then the voice suddenly stopped and it was all quiet. But it did not stay quiet for long as she heard laughter and she turned around again and saw a child, not older than 4, laughing, giggling and Regina looked at the child and did not know what to do. But somehow she felt a happiness rising in her and the child said „Mummy" and that was the moment Regina woke up. She did not feel upset but she still felt the happiness. The child had not been Henry but she knew that kind of happiness from him but she had not felt it for some time.
The burning feeling of the happiness did not want to go away nor did she want it to go away. All the lost feelings she had undergone the evening before were forgotten, appeared carried away and solved.
She sat up and took a look at the watch. 8 am. She had slept for more than 12 hours.
With that feeling still in her stomach, the brunette slowly tried to stand up. She could feel that her muscles had gotten some rest and it would be up to her now to not overdo herself again but to be more careful and considered. The most important thing for now was to take a shower. Afterwards she would sit down again and wait for Ms. Swan to bring over the promised foot. Regina would not try to climb up any stairs, to tidy up or to do any other tiring things. She shook her head, no, she would not do that.
Having that in her mind, Regina took one step forward and then another, while grabbing everything she could to be as steady as possible. Five more steps and she would reach the bathroom door. It then occurred to her that some new clothes would be a pretty good idea as well and she looked out for the bag she had thrown in here yesterday. It had landed a few feet away from her but luckily not on the floor. Cautiously she directed her feet into the right direction and reached the bag without having another meeting with the floor. Taking out all the necessary things which included new underwear, a comfortable trouser and a pullover, she continued making her way to the bathroom door which she also reached without any further interruptions or problems. Regina opened the door and switched on the light, taking in the bathroom. One did not need climb into the shower since it was ground-level but changing clothes would not be the easiest act to be achieved. She decided that sitting down on the toilet which was next to an also included tube would be the best idea as she could try to use the tube for getting up. It only took her a few steps to reach the toilet and only a little maneuver to turn around and sit down on it but not lacking a quick moment of Regina being scared of slipping away.
She waited for a moment, having not lost the, as she had to admit, satisfying feeling in her stomach, until she undressed her blouse and took of her bra. Those two were the easiest, the skirt and the tights plus her panties would present a problem - again. Even so, she simply shook her head and shifted her weight to the left side and pulled down the skirt, the tights and the panties. Then she did the same with the other side and repeated the procedure several times till she did not sit on them any longer. As she had achieved that, she leant forwards, noting that she would not be able to hold the position for too long. She pulled the skirt and the tights and the panties down and undressed them completely, kicking them away. Getting up again was hard, her muscles trembling and her not being sure for a moment whether she would fall over but nothing of such happened.
Grabbing the edge of the tube she pulled herself up and then made small steps towards the shower. Regina was relieved when she reached it and was able to turn on the water. The warmth of it was welcoming and matched with the feeling of happiness she still felt within her.
This feeling which just did not want to go away, cheered her up. She could not even truly describe it but it made her feel lighter and gave her a sense of hope that she would be able to survive everything. Some part of her knew that it was kind of foolish but the other part did not want to let go of it, wanted to cherish that feeling forever. Perhaps it would not last forever but maybe she could internalize it so that she could recall it when she needed it most. At least it sounded like a good idea and it made her smile. She had not smiled for a very long time.
When she felt her legs weakening, Regina turned the water off and grabbed a towel. Just as carefully as before, she made her way back to the toilet and sat down on it again. After drying herself, she put on a new bra and the pullover before leaning forward again and putting on new panties and the trousers. This time it felt easier just as though she had found a way to hold herself better. Another little smile made its way up and probably she had been right, she could accept all this, she could get along. At least she did not worry about it anymore.
Standing up again, she left the bathroom and made her way towards the wheelchair in which she sat down and sighed. Although she did not mind to walk a little, it felt better for now to not have to use the legs any longer. As she took a glance at the clock, she noticed that an hour had passed. It had not felt like an hour to her but somehow she also did not mind. If everything took her longer now, it would just be like that. She would just need to be prepared for everything and to have a kind of time management. Maybe she would even be able to continue working as the mayor of Storybrooke, on condition that the citizens still wanted her but that was not something to think about for now.
Just as she wanted to leave the room, she heard a knock at the door and then someone entering the house. Emma, Regina thought and that was when she came into her sight packed with bags and a curious look on her face.
„Good morning" Emma said and Regina returned the greeting.
„Please tell me you have listened to me and bought healthy food." Regina then said and a little grin turned up on Emmas face.
„For once in your life, I have listened to you." Emma replied and carried the bags into the kitchen.
Regina followed her, thinking thank god.