A/N: I've had few messages of frustration, wondering why the chapters are all so sad, and while I understand that the pace may bother some, I appreciate those who have shared that Kono's grief feels very real. I promise this story will have a bittersweetly happy ending (I may have made up the word bittersweetly - just so you know). Thanks for the feedback!
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Kono lost all sense of time as she felt wave after wave of emotion crash over her. While her grief consumed her, the shadows slowly inched their way across the wall. Blackness dotted the edges of her vision, as her inability to catch her breath slowly and menacingly caught up with her.
It was Steve, who had come inside to start sorting through the contents of the refrigerator, that heard Kono first. "Danny…Chin!" Steve knew they would hear him, so he didn't stick around to wait – he just rushed towards the sound of Kono's sobbing.
"Kono?" Steve skidded to a stop for a second as he caught sight of his friend, curled into a ball on the edge of Adam's bed. His instincts kicked in, though, and he rushed to her side. He quickly gathered her up into his arms and held her close against his chest; her head tucked up underneath his chin.
"Hey, hey, hey. Sweetheart, you're okay. I know it's overwhelming, but right now, I need you to try to breathe, all right? Just focus on the sound of my voice, and breathe in…and out. In…and out."
He wasn't getting through to her, as he could feel her breath hitch against his neck. He rubbed at her arms, hoping the friction would shake the grip of the anxiety that was trying with an iron grip to pull her under.
He heard the pounding of footsteps and knew that Danny and Chin were close. He hoped that one of them could get through to Kono before they had to call for emergency services if she ended up passing out. He wasn't willing to risk anything with her being pregnant, and he knew that she was not quite all with them right now.
Chin hurried to kneel in front of Steve, while Danny quickly sat on Steve's other side so that he was facing Kono.
"Kono, it's Danny. Chin's right here, too. You're safe, okay, babe? But we need you to try to get your breathing under control." Since she was at an angle to him, Chin was lightly rubbing her back while Danny had taken her hand in his, praying the warmth would break through the fog.
"Come on, Kono. Just take a breath for me." Danny was patient in his coaxing, and after a few minutes of Steve gently rocking back and forth, and Chin and Danny coaching her, Kono finally was able to bring her breathing a little more under control. He watched as she blinked at them, confused.
Danny could tell the minute Kono realized what had happened by the embarrassed flush on her face, and was ready to intercept her self-loathing before she could do any more damage. "Uh-uh, babe. Don't even go there. This was something that was probably due to happen, and I know you're pissed that you showed your emotions like that, you cannot expect to function if you were holding all of that in."
Kono blinked at him slowly; her swollen eyes completely dried out. "But I didn't know…I mean…I didn't mean to…" She trailed off, shaking her head.
Danny reached for her and pulled her into a tight hug that was awkward, until Steve shifted so that she was sitting in between the two men. "I know you didn't know you had all of that stored up…none of us did. But Kono, you have to give yourself a break. This is the first time you've been here since Adam died, and being surrounded by everything that was him…it's bound to take a toll."
He could see her trying to breathe her way through what he assumed was a bout of nausea, so he waited until she was a little more settled. "Do you want to get out of here? We're done in the backyard, so we can just get whatever you want to take with you and head back to your house."
Chin had gone and gotten a wet washcloth and brought it back, draping it on the back of Kono's neck. She took a deep breath and tried to smile at her cousin, but only managed a brief twitch of her upper lip.
Chin understood, though, and merely squeezed her shoulder in support.
After a few seconds, Danny took the washcloth and gently pressed it up against her eyes, hoping the cold would soothe the swelling. He wasn't willing to admit it to anyone, but he knew firsthand, following his divorce from Rachel and his brief separation from Grace when she first left New Jersey, what a crying jag did to the eyes…and the subsequent headache that was sure to follow.
He waited until she grasped the cloth before sitting back, keeping his hand along her shoulders to steady her. After a few deep breaths, he saw her straighten and knew that she was digging deep to pull herself up by the proverbial bootstraps.
She let the cloth drop to the floor as she stood up. "I'll just grab some pictures, and then we can go. I wanted to get more stuff, but I…I don't think I can right now." The three men watched as she carefully picked up a few of the picture frames that adorned the room and put them into a cloth grocery bag that she saw next to the closet.
Kono stepped into the walk-in closet, searching for a few of Adam's shirts that she especially loved to curl up in. While she was inside, the three men all sighed sadly, knowing that this was just one more bump in Kono's journey through her grief.
"I'll stay with her tonight…see if I can't get her to get some decent rest." Danny kept his voice low, not wanting Kono to feel like they were all talking about her – which they were.
Steve nodded. "Maybe that would be for the best?" Throughout this whole process, for whatever reason, Kono and Danny had bonded. And it made sense that his best friend would want to be there for her tonight as well, knowing that there may be more emotion where the earlier had come from.
Chin nodded his agreement as well. He was a bit frustrated that Kono hadn't turned to him more than she had, but he knew that she was worried about her grief making him miss Malia. As if anything Kono said would make Chin miss Malia more than he already did. It just wasn't possible. "If you guys want to head back to her house, I can drop Steve off at his – save you guys a trip."
Danny weighed his options for a few moments until Kono stepped back into the room, but one look at her had him agreeing in a heartbeat. She looked so lost at that moment – she had put one of Adam's shirts on over her tank top, which between her frail frame and her sad eyes, looked like she had lost her absolute best friend…which everyone could see that she had. Danny knew that she would appreciate getting back to somewhere safe, at least for right now.
Without a word, the three waited for Kono to join them, before leaving Adam's room. Chin wrapped his arm around her shoulders, while Steve and Danny followed behind. They knew that Kono was as tough as nails…and that this was just a hiccup. She had been doing better, but that was the nature of grieving – many times it felt like one step forward, and three giant steps backwards.
Steve made sure Adam's house was secured before joining the other three near the cars. After a warm round of hugs, Kono and Danny were back in the Camaro and headed towards her house.
"Can we make a stop?"
Kono's voice was so quiet that Danny barely heard her, but as soon as what she had said registered, he turned and nodded. "Of course – wherever you need to be."
She swallowed a couple of times before taking a breath. "Can we go to the cemetery?"
Danny reached for her hand, startled at how cold it was. He wasn't immediately sure that it was a good idea, but knew that she needed to be in control. "If that's what you want, babe."
Kono managed a half of a smile. "I don't want to go, Danny…but I feel like I need to go."
Danny understood, and made the turn towards Adam's grave. He wasn't sure how this visit would go, but he figured he would stay close and let Kono decide how much she needed him there.
Before long, he had pulled into the entrance and carefully drove to the area where Adam was buried. She held a hand up when Danny reached for the door handle. "I just…I need…to do this on my own. I appreciate you being here with me, but just need to be near him for a little while. Being in his house was too hard right now – it was like I could feel him there with me but I couldn't get close enough. I just need to be near him and breathe. After that, we can go home."
Danny reached out and caught her hand in his. "Whatever you need, Kono. There's no rush…or no timetable…or no right way to do this. You just do what you can to get through one hour at a time. You're doing great, and I'm really proud of you."
Kono's eyes filled, and she blinked rapidly to clear her vision. Giving him a tremulous smile, she opened the door and stepped out onto the grass.
Danny watched as she slowly made her way to the top of the small hill where Adam's headstone rested against the backdrop of a blue Hawaiian sky. He was itching to get out and follow her, but he knew she needed to do this…she needed to find a way to stand on her own two feet again.
He swallowed hard as she sank to her knees in the soft grass, clearly crying. A part of him wondered just what she was saying to Adam, but he couldn't intrude – he wasn't that kind of guy. He would just have to wait until she came back to the car, and then he would do his best to support her however he could.
Kono could feel Danny watching her, and knew he would always have her back. But she had been telling the truth – she could physically feel Adam's presence at his house, and was absolutely pissed off that he wasn't there the way she needed him to be.
Dropping to her knees, she cleared her throat. "So…Adam…God, this feels weird. I'm not really sure what I'm doing here, other than I know I needed to be near you right now."
She wiped at a few tears that were stubbornly trickling down her cheeks. She was so tired of crying all the fucking time. She blew out a couple of slow breaths, needing to settle the shaking in her hands. "I miss you, Adam. I know I already told you that. But there was so much more that I didn't get to tell you before I had my meltdown. I'm sure you know this already…at least I hope you are someplace where you are happy and are keeping an eye out on things. But Adam…I'm pregnant. And you know what? I'm pissed as hell that I didn't get to tell you that in person…that you didn't get to share in this experience with me. I'm a wreck, Adam. It's not fair that our son or daughter won't get to know you as their dad. It's not right that you won't get to teach them to walk, or throw a ball, or swim, or…surf. I hate that already, our child has outlived his or her father. There is nothing in this entire world that makes that okay."
She bent at the waist and rested her forehead on her forearms, trying to rein in her emotions. After a few moments, she sat up, surprised that Danny wasn't closer – she loved him and his strength for not giving up on her, but she would have bet money that he wouldn't be able to stay put.
She rummaged through her purse and pulled out what she had come here for. Once she located the glossy paper, she pulled it out and kissed it. "Here he or she is, Adam…your son or your daughter." She placed the ultrasound photo inside of a protective sleeve to keep it safe, before digging a small hole in the soft earth at the base of the gravestone. Once she had a little room, she placed the picture inside of the hole and covered it up. She was glad that she had asked the ultrasound tech for a couple of extra pictures; relieved in the knowledge that she had the matching photo in her bag.
She wiped her hands on her jeans, before swiping at her tears with her shoulders. It was the best she could do, without leaving muddy tear tracks along her cheeks.
She tried to take a deep breath, but could only manage a few short staccato breaths. Shaking her head in frustration, she kissed her fingertips and placed them on the ornate headstone. "I love you, Adam."
She slowly stood up, feeling the blood rush from her head. She bent at the waist, trying to control her breathing enough to chase the dizziness away.
Just when she thought she just might stay upright, she saw the outline of a pair of suspiciously 'Danny-looking' black loafers. As she stood, she felt Danny carefully take her arm. "You okay, babe?"
She smiled tremulously and nodded. "Just got a little dizzy, I guess."
He gently guided her back towards his car, keeping one arm wrapped around her shoulders in support. He knew that whatever she had told Adam had taken quite a bit out of her – he would just have to make sure that he kept an eye on her tonight.
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As Kono stepped inside, she quickly headed for the bathroom knowing that Danny would take care of Bailey. The further she got away from the cemetery, the more nauseous she became. She thought that Danny had figured it out because he sort of just threw the car into park and rushed to open the door for her.
Slamming the door behind her, she dropped to her knees and hung her head. Her hands were shaking as she raked them through her hair.
Bailey whimpered at the door, confused as to why Kono hadn't been the one to let her out. Kono's eyes filled with the remnants of the emotional day crashing down on top of her. It took a few minutes, but the nausea slowly eased, Kono realized thankfully. She wasn't much looking forward to 'breakfast, the sequel'.
Once she was steady enough, she opened the door and made her way into the living room, and sank gratefully onto the couch. She heard Danny puttering around in the kitchen and knew that he would figure out where she was soon enough.
Resting her head against the back of the couch, she shut her eyes and tried to push the feelings of sadness and anger back down, where they wouldn't hurt her – at least for now.
Wearily, she raised her head when she felt Bailey licking at her fingertips. She had jumped up onto the couch, but had stopped, fascinated with the fingers in front of her. "Hey, sweetie. I'm sorry I haven't been able to take care of you too much today."
She caught sight of Danny out of the corner of her eye, and tried to smile as he came into the room carrying a tray. "Don't let her fool you – she's one spoiled puppy."
He set the tray on the coffee table and sat down next to Kono. He gave her shoulder a squeeze, before reaching for one of the glasses and handing it to her. "It's just some ice water with a lot of lemon – you said that it helped last week, so I figured I'd try it tonight. I know you're not feeling that great, but you need to try to eat something in a little while."
Kono nodded, and sipped at the icy-cold liquid. Danny also handed her a couple of dark brown cookies, and she looked at him, a little confused. "I found some ginger cookies at the market – they have real pieces of crystallized ginger in them – maybe they will help settle things down for you? I know it's been a rough morning."
Kono reached out and wrapped herself around Danny's arm, resting her head on his shoulder. She felt him place a gentle kiss to the top of her head, and she found herself blinking furiously to keep from crying. "When is it supposed to get easier, Danny?"
Danny grabbed Kono's water and set it back on the tray. He turned so that his knees were resting against hers and reached for her hands. "Aww, babe. I wish I could give you a timeframe, but the truth is, nobody knows. I think it's different for everyone, and in part, because of who it was that they lost. Nobody is expecting you to be magically better by now. Adam wasn't just some guy that you know. He was someone you were planning on spending your life with. You don't just get over that."
He reached out and wiped a few tears from her cheeks. "Now, that being said, everyone is beyond impressed with how well you are doing. I know it doesn't feel like it, Kono, but you're still here and fighting to keep going. Whether it's for your sake, or for Adam's sake, or for the baby's sake – it doesn't matter. You're still putting one foot in front of the other, and that's something to be proud of."
Kono took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I just wasn't expecting it to hurt so much, Danny. I mean, I know he's gone. I do. But stepping into his house – into his bedroom – made it all seem so real, you know? And it was like an actual physical pain – and then I was furious, and then I couldn't breathe, and I panicked, I guess."
Danny nodded his understanding. "It happens, babe. I had a couple of those after Rachel took Grace and moved here. I'm not proud of it, but I get it. I had a few friends who made sure that I didn't drown in the bottom of a bottle, and eventually I started figuring out how to live. It sucked for me, just like I know it sucks for you. But Kono…you're not alone in any of this. We know we're not Adam, and none of us are trying to replace him – but you don't ever have to worry about doing any of this on your own, okay?"
Kono reached and wrapped Danny into a tight hug, trying to absorb some of his strength. She knew she had a long way to go before she would be able to figure out what 'normal' now meant to her, but it was comforting to know that in her close circle of friends, at least, she was safe to take the time that she needed. It was something, at least.
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