Author's Note: Guys. Guys. I haven't updated in forever. Like, a month. I can't even. I blame summer school. Fuck that shit. Hard. Up the ass. Preferably with something extremely sharp. That aside, FINALLY Chapter Four. Can I just say, I am painfully nervous about uploading this chapter because of my sick brain and painful ship desires. Is it weird that I would find this flattering/attractive as fuck if I was in Karkat's position? Also, I borrowed that one line, "NOPE, NOT GOING TO THINK THAT," from another fic. I think it might be pacattack777's Until We Say Goodnight (I'm not entirely sure on that, but even if it's not, you should go read it anyway because it's beautiful uwu). Hope you don't mind I used that, I just think that line is hilarious.

So. My laptop broke. I'm just gonna keep writing on my shitty ancient desktop computer and wait for my laptop to either be replaced or fixed, preferably the former (my laptop is such a piece of shit, I can't even turn the brightness down [update: it got fixed, not replaced, but they might have also fixed every other issue? I can't be certain yet because they didn't fucking update so at the current point in time {between chapters 12 and 13}, I can't even so much as play Solitaire, let alone connect to the internet]). Psst, also, if you guys want to follow me on Tumblr, my URL is katgirl28888. I don't post about chapter updates or anything, but I do reblog a lot of Homestuck shit and, basically, my blog is really small and pointless and shitty, but you should follow me anyway and send me asks and shit.

Without further ado, Chapter Four. Don't hate me.

._.

Since the latest attack, I'd become a much lighter sleeper than I'd ever been, and the evidence was everywhere; Sollux's alarm would wake me up at dawn when normally he wouldn't shake me awake until after he'd showered. Once I woke up, I couldn't go back to sleep, either. I tried, but rest never came before I was supposed to be awake. Every morning went the same; Sollux's alarm, Sollux's shower, my pretending to be asleep, Sollux's waking me up, and then Sollux's bustling in and out, getting ready for his morning class and occasionally attempting to make groggy conversation. Before he left, he would hand me my laptop and I'd get to work on whatever schoolwork I could. Since he went to the same school as me, Sollux had explained my situation to my professors, thankfully being as vague as he could about the cause of my injury. Much to his chagrin, he'd been assigned the role of homework delivery boy — a job he only grudgingly agreed to, for my sake. It had only been four days since he'd taken me to the doctor, and by the end of Saturday, I felt more exhausted than I'd been in a long time, so I decided to go to bed early.

I snapped awake at his soft whisper beneath me, and I froze when pain shot over my rib cage. "KK?" It was still dark out, so Sollux must have known I was asleep. My first instinct was to respond, but something through my sleepy haze and painfully shallow breathing kept me silent. His tone didn't sound urgent enough to warrant waking me up, but at the same time, I didn't think he'd do it without reason. Nonetheless, I didn't answer him, even when he repeated the two letters full-volume. Be it the distracting pains in my chest, my sleep-deprived brain not making connections, or my lack of ability to obtain breath, I never quite got around to saying anything. I'm not entirely sure I tried, either; I was curious what he wanted from me in the middle of the night, but I was just as interested in what he'd do if he didn't get a reaction. I heard an unexpectedly pleased sigh and a low creak as he sank into his mattress. "Good."

At this point, I just closed my eyes and let my tensed muscles relax, thinking he was just going to go to sleep. "The lath't thing I need ith' him hearing me." They shot open again when he spoke. A few seconds later, he whimpered. Steeling myself to get up, I stopped when his two-letter nickname for me came out again in a strained grunt. He panted and soon after, I realized what he was doing. I almost wished I hadn't woken up at his first whisper, but the feeling disappeared when I started listening to him. A shudder of desire ran down my spine when I imagined myself being the cause of those noises. I tried to stop it, but I couldn't get the image out of my mind; I knelt on my knees in front of him, hands keeping his hips pinned against the brick façade of a dark alley while my head bobbed around his erection. My mind transported us into the shower and I could see perfect rivulets of water streaming down his pale, taut skin. His hands were tangled in my hair, forcing my head back, and his teeth were worrying away at my neck and sanity. Suddenly the bright tiles disappeared in favor of Sollux's soft, goose-down stuffed comforter. We were tangled up in it and our moans were creating a gorgeous, symphonic cacophony. I heard his voice from below me and my imagination easily worked it into my fantasy.

"K-Karkat..."

Wait, what?!

Sollux was touching himself. Playing with himself. He was touching himself. And he was... thinking of... me. Sollux was touching himself to the thought of me. I was stunned for a few seconds. My brain was on hyperdrive, but my heart only seemed to be beating once every ten seconds. I had no choice but to lie in silence while time passed in slow motion. "KK... f-fuck... that feelth' th'o good." Another shiver seized my body and even more erotic pictures floated through my mind. I saw Sollux holding his naked body over mine, hands on the pillow on either side of my head and ecstasy-swollen lips caressing mine. Images could only do so much, but even so, it wasn't long before the pressure at my crotch started aching. Shit, I can't just jerk off here! I'm not exactly... the quietest of people... fuck.

I decided to wait for him to for him to finish before going to deal with my own problem. Unfortunately, that meant I had to listen to him finish. It didn't take long; the way he was moaning made me think he wanted to get it out of the way as soon as possible. "KK... K-Karkat... I-I'm gonna—!" The action I'm sure he was going to announce was cut off by him doing just that, complete with incredibly provocative moan and a grunt like nothing I've ever heard. A soft thump was heard and I knew he'd fallen back onto his covers, panting like he'd just run a marathon. After a minute or two, he yanked a tissue out of the box on the nightstand and threw it away just seconds later.

Then he started talking to himself.

It wasn't something he'd never done before. I'd heard him often enough, rummaging through the cabinets for cereal, flicking through channels only to settle on G4, like he always did. But I'd never heard him like this. Sollux' voice was so low... so smooth, even with his lisp. It flowed through my ears and mesmerized me, heightening my arousal further. "Jeth'uth', that was... amath'ing... and wrong. Th'o, th'o fuckin' wrong. What the fuck ith' wrong with me? Thith' ith' th'o th'ick. I am th'uch a fucking th'ick perth'on. Thank god KK'th' th'uch a heavy-th'leeper, otherwith'e I'd never get away with thith'. It'th' not like I should be doing thith' in the firth't plath'e. I mean, KK'th already told me he'th' not gay, he th'aid it th'traight to my fath'e even. It'th' not going to do me any good to fantath'ith'e about him. I shouldn't be doing thith'. I should not be doing thith'. It'th' th'o wrong. I juth't... can't help myth'elf, I gueth. Thith' really ith' the cloth'eth't I'm going to get, th'o I may ath' well enjoy it." He sighed and pushed himself off the bed, and I listened as his footsteps faded into the bathroom.

I let out the pent-up breath I didn't know I was holding and gasped at the slight pain. By the time I'd collected myself again, Sollux had walked back in, panting breaths gone and shuffling steps a lot more sleepy. Even when he fell into his bed, I waited until his breaths evened out further to start the slow, painful journey off the top bunk. Sollux grunted, only slightly reminiscent of the grunt I'd heard before. He sounded groggy as fuck when he spoke again. "KK? Where are you going?"

Hoping he was too out of it to see through my lie, I said, "I need to take a shower."

"In the middle of the night?" Shit. Think fast.

"I don't feel good."

"Oh. M'kay." He melted into his sheets, his voice coming out muffled by the pillow. "Let me know if you need help or anything. I'll try not to look." Shaking my head in disbelief at his offer, I maneuvered the last step to the floor and slowly hobbled to the bathroom, a hand held gingerly over my rib. True to my word, I turned on the shower, leaving it at its coldest. It's better than trying to keep my mouth shut when I know for a fact that I can't, I thought miserably.

I knew I couldn't, too. My mom gave me "the talk" just a few days after I touched myself sexually for the first time. Don't get me wrong, I loved my mom, but at that moment, I had wanted to be anywhere else. Especially considering she left me with a bottle of lube and the words, "Just try to keep it down, okay, Karkat?"

Believe me when I say I tried; it just wasn't enough, no matter how quiet I thought I was being. One time at a family dinner, my adopted little sister Nepeta spoke up. She was only ten, so she didn't quite know what she was talking about, which made it that much worse when she said it in the company of not only my parents, but my aunt and cousin, too. "Hey, hey, Aunt 'Rezi, guess what! Guess what I heard! I heard Karkitty yelling at something earlier. He was kind of groaning and growling at it. He sounded upset, like really, really upset. I could hear him from inside my room! I couldn't tell what he was saying though. I think he said—" Her voice dropped into a whisper for an instant before she brought it back to its normal volume. "—the f-word a few times, but I couldn't hear anything else." My face flushed bright red and I, luckily sitting right next to her, practically slapped my hand over her mouth before she could continue.

They all looked at me curiously, and I quickly explained, lying, of course, "I was playing a video game and I died and I hadn't saved in a while, that's all."

"But you were moaning for a really long time!" I shot the ten year old a death glare that would have been terrifying on any face but mine. The adults exchanged raised eyebrows and my cousin shot me a knowing grin, and I took the opportunity to hurriedly excuse myself from the table. My heart sank as I watched her follow suit just moments later and walk after me into my room.

"So," she began. "Karkat. I hear you're loud—"

"If you say one more fucking word, I swear to whatever god there may be, I will break my sickle out of its ornate little fucking case over there and I will cut you in half with it. Not another motherfucking word, Latula."

She laughed. "Calm down, Karkitty, I was just teasing you."

"No shit."

"Oh, stop being a grumpy-puss." She tugged me — unwillingly, I might add — into a bear-hug, whispering into my ear, "Being loud is nothing to be embarrassed about. I'm loud. It's actually pretty radical, little dude."

I shoved her away from me furiously, my face even more red than it was before. "Latula!" She grinned and started to exit the room.

"Don't worry, Karkles. I won't tell Mom... if I can help it." One infuriating laugh later, her overbearing presence could no longer be felt in room.

Oh, yes. I definitely couldn't keep my voice down. I knew it just as well as most of my family did. Thank god Trevor and I never — NOPE, NOT GOING TO THINK THAT. I had somehow managed to strip myself in my reveries, so I guess time for the inevitable had finally come. I glanced into the mirror first; what stared back was a scrawny twenty-something year old white kid with cuts and bruises and scars everywhere, none of which were self-inflicted — although both me and my reflection had often considered it. Dark brown hair was strewn messily over his head, touching just to the tip of his longest eyelashes and parting everywhere and nowhere all at once. This strangers wide eyes scanned me just as I scanned him, shining irises such a vibrant brown they could almost be considered red. Not quite as red as one of the college freshman's who was most likely asleep in the other room, but red all the same. Though most of the bruises had paled into barely-there swells of color now, a big, nasty, midnight blue splotch spread over his left rib.

And, of course, below all the lacerations and bruises scattered over his bony frame, he sported a raging boner.

I sighed and turned away from the mirror, simultaneously pleased and disgusted with my reflection. I felt I might be considered attractive if it weren't for my slight overbite or my unnervingly bright eyes or the mess of brown I called hair or the marks of weakness covering every square inch of my skin. Scars and bruises and cuts were nothing to be proud of. They weren't something to be idolized or valued. They weren't marks of honor. They were extra, permanent baggage that told stories of the past I wanted nothing more than to forget. They were disgusting; pathetic, even. Nasty, horrible, loathsome things. I didn't want Sollux to see them, ever. I'd put up with him teasing me for wearing a shirt when I went swimming. I'd put up with him laughing at me for refusing to change in the same room as him, even after we'd known each other for so long. Hell, I'd even put up with him making fun of me for wearing turtlenecks in the dead heat of summer. I'd put up with it all if it meant these scars could hide their secrets. Not that I didn't know he had his suspicions; I'd be surprised if he didn't. But the longer I hid them, the better.

Taking a deep, inadvertently painful breath, I stepped into the shower and lurched for the faucet upon impact. "Fuck, shitting hell, goddamn that is fucking cold!" I whispered to myself, turning it up just a bit. Fifteen minutes later, I made my way out of the shower, boner-free. The skin on my arms and legs and pretty much everywhere else it could be was raised with goosebumps, despite having let hot water run over my skin for a few minutes before getting out. I quickly toweled myself off and put my pajamas back on before exiting the bathroom. Sollux was fast asleep, which was okay considering I was at least awake enough to not make climbing to the top bunk a bigger ordeal than it needed to be. Five more minutes and I was under my comforter again. I passed out before I even knew I was nodding off.

Review, pretty please~