"It's just the two of us tonight, Harley – you'll understand that Selina really isn't somebody I wanna see right now," said Poison Ivy, emerging from her kitchen with drinks.
"No problemo, Red – it's been too long since we had a girls night in together with just the two of us," said Harley Quinn, beaming. "Mr. J said to tell you that if you feel the urge to have a pillow fight, be sure to film it."
"Wow, what a funny guy," sighed Ivy, rolling her eyes.
"Yeah, he is, Red," sighed Harley, dreamily. "He's just the handsomest, funniest, bestest guy in the whole wide world! Did I tell you what he did for me the other weekend? So he'd been ignoring me all week, and then on Saturday night he goes off on this big job without me, gets himself all bloodied up attacking a funfair, and brings me home…a red balloon!" she sighed. "Said he saw it and thought of me – an airhead dressed in red! Ain't he just the most romantic guy in the whole entire universe?"
Ivy felt like crying already, and the evening had only begun. But suddenly crying came from the greenhouse, and she stood up. "Excuse me for a second, Harley," she said.
"Oh…sure…no problem," stammered Harley, shocked at the noise. It sounded to her almost like a baby crying, but then she figured it must be one of Ivy's plants. They could sometimes make weird noises.
"Sorry about that," said Ivy, returning several minutes later.
"Everything ok in there?" asked Harley.
"Oh yeah, it's just…one of my plants," said Ivy, slowly.
"Sounds kinda like a baby," said Harley.
Ivy was about to respond when the crying started up again. She sighed, slightly annoyed, and then said, "I'll just bring her out and show you. Boy, I never thought kids could be this much of a handful! They just need constant attention! Never give you a moment to yourself!"
"Kids?" repeated Harley, puzzled. "You kidnapped a baby, Red? Never really thought of you as the motherly type – I always thought of the two of us, I'd be the one to go crazy and kidnap a kid. I mean, I can see myself doing it as a last, desperate resort if puddin' won't give me his…baby!" she gasped, as Ivy reappeared holding a tiny bundle in her arms, a tiny bundle that moved and gurgled happily.
Ivy sat down next to Harley and handed the bundle to her. "You wanna hold her?" she asked.
Harley was too surprised to say anything, but she took the baby tenderly in her arms. It gazed up at her with big, brown eyes, which looked almost hazel in contrast to her pale, green skin, and held up a chubby fist in greeting.
"Her name is Rose," said Ivy.
"Who…what…where did she come from?" whispered Harley.
"I grew her," replied Ivy.
"You…grew her?" repeated Harley, tearing her eyes away from the baby to stare at Ivy.
"Yeah, it wasn't difficult," said Ivy, shrugging. "Just mixed some human genetic material with some plant DNA, and kept it in a warm pod to gestate for about a week. You know I'm…unable to have children the regular way since my transformation, so I figured this was the next best thing."
"So you…made her…by yourself in a lab?" asked Harley, slowly. "That don't sound very romantic, Red. I think one of the best things about kids is the knowledge that they're created by the love between you and the guy you love most in the whole wide world…"
"Well, beggars can't be choosers, Harl," snapped Ivy. "Anyway, I don't need a man. Not to be happy or to have kids. I do just fine on my own," she said, taking the baby back from Harley.
"I'm just kinda…confused," said Harley, slowly. "I mean, you can't make a baby without…stuff from both genders, right?"
"Yes, she was made by mixing human gametes with plant cells," snapped Ivy.
"So…where'd you get the sperm?" asked Harley.
Ivy was silent. "From a donor," she snapped.
"Who?" asked Harley.
Ivy said nothing, and Harley shrugged. "Just think he's probably got a right to know that he's a father. A kid needs two parents, y'know. And maybe he'll wanna take an interest in his child's life…"
"No!" snapped Ivy, suddenly furious. "No, it's nothing to do with him! He was just a donor of genetic material, and that's all! This is my child! And I'll take care of her on my own!"
"Ok! Geez, Red, no need to get all worked up," said Harley. "But then I guess new mothers do stress a lot."
She held out her arms. "Can I…hold her again?"
Ivy handed her back grudgingly. Harley beamed, cooing over the baby as it babbled up at her. "Hey, sweetie! You're so precious, yes, you are! Yes, you are! Auntie Harley loves you, yes, she does! She's so pretty, Red!" she said, happily. "She's got your features, that's for sure! And your hair too," she said, stroking the few red strands on the child's otherwise bald head. "Not your eyes though…"
"Yeah, well, I guess my genes can only do so much," said Ivy, shrugging. "I couldn't specify everything."
"You never can with kids!" said Harley, smiling. "It's the luck of the draw! Mine and Mr. J's are gonna be gorgeous, though, because he's so gorgeous. I bet they're gonna have his beautiful face and his beautiful eyes…"
The baby began crying again, and Ivy took her back, shushing her gently. "Rose doesn't like you talking about the clown either," she said. "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, as the saying goes."
"Oh. Well, I'm just super happy for you, Red!" said Harley, hugging her friend. "I know you said you didn't want kids, but I'm so glad you've changed your mind! Auntie Harley is gonna spoil her rotten! First thing tomorrow I'm gonna rob Baby Gap and get her a store full of baby clothes and toys and books…"
"No, I'll take care of all that," interrupted Ivy. "Don't get me wrong, Harl – I appreciate the offer. But Rose is gonna…be a special case. Don't buy her anything."
"Aw, but you didn't even have a baby shower, Red!" said Harley, frowning. "And she's so cute I just wanna get her the stars and the moon, yes, I do, yes, I do!" she cooed, nuzzling the baby's nose. "Your Auntie Harley is gonna make sure you have a smile on your face your whole entire life, yes, she is! Gee, ain't it gonna be amazing watching her grow up, Red?" she asked, smiling.
Ivy nodded slowly. "Yeah. But she's gonna grow up real fast."
"They always do, Red!" sighed Harley.
Ivy opened her mouth to explain to Harley, but then shut it and let her just coo over the baby in peace. Harley was clearly crazy about her, and it would be cruel to tell her now that Rose didn't have the normal life expectancy of a human being. Her cells were growing at an alarming rate, and they would deteriorate at the same rate once she matured. Ivy estimated that Rose would probably go from the cradle to the grave in about a year – that was likely to be the span of her life. It didn't bother Ivy in particular – most flowers had a similar life cycle, if not shorter, and right now Ivy saw Rose as a very dependent plant, much more so than the rest of her babies. They just needed food, sunlight, and the occasional watering, while Rose needed almost constant attention. Ivy couldn't wait the few weeks for Rose to grow older and be able to take care of herself.