"Harvey? Are you listening to me?" asked Selina Kyle.
Two-Face hadn't been listening – he had been plotting out his latest scheme, which, for Two-Face, took double the time it should have. And this was because he had to consult his coin for every decision he had to make about it. "Heads – bank robbery, tails – jewelry store," he muttered, flipping the coin. "Heads – hostages, tails – no hostages. Heads…"
"Harvey?" repeated Selina. "Did you hear what I said?"
"Uh…something about cats?" he asked, looking up at her.
She folded her arms across her chest, glaring at him. "That was a lucky guess!" she snapped. "I said I won't be here tonight – I'm out at the charity ball for the stray cat shelter."
"Uh huh," he said, returning his attention to his scheme.
"There'll be all kinds of rich society folk there," she continued. "All kinds of single men. Bruce Wayne, for instance…"
"Uh huh," he repeated, flipping his coin again. "Heads - take all valuables, tails – take half…"
"I'm hinting that maybe you'd like to escort me," she snapped. "You don't want me going on my own among a bunch of single men, do you?"
"Aw, I'd love to, Selina, but I got plans," he replied. "This scheme, y'know."
"Do it tomorrow night," she retorted.
Two-Face sighed. "Look, going to some snooty ball to mix with society snobs ain't my idea of a fun evening. Plus I'm pretty recognizable, and chances are the cops would be called and we'd have to make a hasty retreat anyway. You go if you wanna, but I'll pass, thanks."
"At least give me the coin," snapped Selina.
He sighed, flipping it. "Heads – I'll go with you, tails – I'm doing my scheme."
He opened his hand. "Tails," he said, closing his hand just as quickly.
"Let me see it," snapped Selina.
"You have to learn to trust me, Selina," he retorted, pocketing the coin.
She sighed, rolling her eyes. "Fine, I'll go on my own," she snapped, striding off.
A knock came on the door. "Can you get that, baby?" he asked, not looking up. "Only I'm kinda busy here."
Selina glared at him, and then stormed to the front door. She opened it, and then fell back as two party horns blew into her face.
"Surprise!" shouted Joker, beaming. "And congratulations, Harv…"
His face fell. "You're not Harvey," he snapped. "Where's the lucky guy?" he asked, pushing past her into the house. Harley skipped behind him, carrying several pink balloons and a giant stuffed teddy bear holding a sign that read Congratulations! It's a girl!
"J, what the hell are you doing?" demanded Selina. "What is all this?"
"There's the old man!" exclaimed Joker, smiling as he entered Two-Face's study. "Well, how does it feel to be the father to a teenager? She giving you gray hairs yet? I think I can see a few," he chuckled, reaching out to touch Two-Face's hair.
"Get the hell off me!" snapped Two-Face, shoving him away. "And what in God's name are you babbling about?"
"Congratulations, Harvey!" exclaimed Harley, handing him the teddy bear and the balloons. "She is just gorgeous! You must be so proud! Not that you really did anything except leave your sperm lying around…or something. Red said she didn't wanna talk about how she got ahold of it…"
"What…the hell are you talking about?!" roared Two-Face.
"I also got you some cigars, because that's what you give new fathers," continued Joker, reaching into his jacket. "Not sure if these explode, but there's only one way to find out…"
Two-Face grabbed Joker by the collar and lifted him up. "Listen to me, clown!" he hissed. "Stop making stupid jokes and tell me what the hell you're talking about! I ain't a father, so it ain't funny!"
Joker grinned. "Oh, but you are, Harvey!" he exclaimed. "Pammie's grown you a daughter!"
Two-Face stared at him in disbelief. "What?" he gasped.
"She's grown a daughter," repeated Joker. "Using plant cells, her genetic material, and…an anonymous male donor she won't name. But I know she's your kid – she's got your eyes. Or at least, one of your eyes – I'm guessing your other eye looked the same before your accident. She's got the brown one, not the weird bulgy one, just to confirm…"
"If this is a joke, it ain't funny, J!" shouted Two-Face, slamming him against the wall.
"It's no joke, Harvey!" said Joker, defensively. "Tell him, Harl!"
"Yeah, it's true, Harvey," agreed Harley. "I didn't realize it until Mr. J mentioned it, but she really resembles you. I mean, she takes after her mother mostly, but those eyes are definitely yours. She started out as a little baby about a month ago, but she's already grown into a teenager, and Red says she's gonna go through her whole lifespan in one year, which I think is pretty tragic, really…"
"She…she used my…essence to…create a child and…she didn't consult me?" stammered Two-Face.
"I know, dames, right?" sighed Joker, shaking his head. "They're always trying to pull one over on you. I blame the feminists – the moment women get a little power, they start doing all kindsa crazy things: voting, working, growing babies…"
"Oh, shut up, you sexist creep!" snapped Selina. "Harvey, you shouldn't trust these clowns – Ivy may be crazy, but she's not that crazy. And she's never given any indication of wanting children before. They've probably made the whole thing up for some stupid joke, and even if they haven't, there's no proof that this child Ivy's grown has anything to do with you."
"I…I gotta find out," stammered Two-Face. "I gotta see her, and Pam, and demand to know the truth!"
"Fine, if you don't trust us," sighed Joker, in mock offense. "You go over there and see for yourself. I think you'll be pretty pleased with your daughter though – she's just the hottest little piece. I would not mind sticking my slide whistle into her a couple times, if you get what I'm saying."
"…what the hell is wrong with you?!" shouted Two-Face. "That's my potential daughter you're talking about, you sleazeball!"
"Yeah, it's a compliment! I'm telling you she's hot!" protested Joker. "It means you got attractive genes – congrats! No point in a dame if she's not attractive…"
Both Harley's and Selina's punches were simultaneous, but at different, sensitive points of Joker's body. "Christ, can't either of you take a joke?" he gasped, cupping his nose with one hand and his crotch with the other.
"You keep acting like this, Mr. J, and I'm gonna let Red teach me how to grow babies, I swear to God!" hissed Harley.
"Yeah, you see how well you cope with that shortened lifespan, toots!" snapped Joker. "It's only been a month and a half, and Harvey's already missed out on his kid's entire childhood! The only fatherly thing he can do now is scare away her boyfriends, assuming Pammie's gonna let her out of the house ever so she can have one of those, which I doubt. I tell ya, I feel bad for that kid. Less than a year to live, and not making the most of it. She should be out there having fun, not cooped up inside like a greenhouse flower! Although I guess that's kinda what she is, and what she's used to, but still, the human parts of her must yearn for some kinda excitement! The noble thing to do would be to go over there and assert your right for custody of that kid. Take her away from her suffocating mother and give her the freedom she deserves."
"Mr. J, you know as well as I do that the best thing would be for Harvey to go over there and have a calm, rational discussion with Red about co-parenting," began Harley. "After all, she ain't gonna respond well to violence and threats, and both parents are ultimately responsible for a child…"
"Both of you shut up!" roared Two-Face, flipping his coin. "Heads – I go over there and tell Pammie exactly what I think about what she's done, tails – I try to calm down and have a rational discussion with her."
The coin landed. "Heads," he snapped, closing his hand.
"Can I see it?" asked Selina.
"No!" he shouted, storming from the room. "You have to trust me!"
The front door slammed. "Well, at least he's starting to shape the coin's outcomes to what he wants to do, rather than vice versa," sighed Selina. "That's progress, right?"
"Only you would consider lying to be progress in a relationship, kitty!" chuckled Joker. "Guess it reminds you of Batsy, huh? Guys hiding things from you, not being truthful, wearing masks…"
"Yeah, unlike some people here, I'm not actually still in love with Batman," snapped Selina. "I don't base my entire life around him, and I'm not obsessed by the very idea of him. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get ready for my ball with Bruce Wayne."
"I'm kinda afraid Harvey's gonna blow this whole thing, Mr. J," sighed Harley as they left. "I mean, he's got a real temper on him, and you made it sound like Red's abusing the girl or something. Wouldn't it have been better to have calmly explained the situation so he'd be prepared to discuss it rationally with Red?"
"Not for me, Harley girl!" chuckled Joker. "Not for me!"