Author's Note: Whale, guys. I'm sick. I'm not sure what with, though from what I've gathered, I'm fairly certain it's something along the lines of overexertion with just a hint of dehydration. Also I think my computer's fixed? But if someone doesn't get it today (Friday), I have to wait until Monday, and knowing my parents... I'll have my computer back by Monday. But anyway. This shit sucks. Practically constant headaches, just as constant shortness of breath, complete lack of energy (literally, guys, I couldn't even sit up in bed. I tried to drink some water sideways because I couldn't even lean forward and all I ended up accomplishing was dumping about half of it on my face XD), loss of appetite, dizziness, disorientation. It's all bad. So I spent the last three days lying in bed, propped up against a pillow, watching Doctor Who and Hercules. Also waking up at weird hours. Do you know how boring and just awkward it is to wake up at 4 AM? Can't turn on the TV 'cause it's so early, can't reach a light or a book to read, can't text your friends because they're all asleep. Ugh. So, so bad. And weird, really disconcerting fever dreams? Not even gonna get into that. I think that by the end of it, I decided I was a Slitheen (everyone go Google Image search Slitheen, they're so funny looking, they make me laugh a lot cx).
Update: it's currently 9:23 PM on a balmy Monday night, the twenty third of August. We are coming to day seven of mystery sickness, I am still very much laptopless (although my grandfather's planning to pick it up for me tomorrow), and I am currently back living with my grandparents, which is a damn sight nicer than relying on my parents (I kid you not, they refused to get me water when I couldn't even get out of bed). I have written another very long author's note, so I will leave now and allow you to carry on reading. Oh, did I tell you my phone's breaking?
I lied, final update: I FUCKING GOT MY COMPUTER BACK. I lost all of my pictures though. And all my Minecraft worlds/the texture pack I've been maintaining for a couple years. *sadbeaks* At least, that's all I've noticed I'm missing. Plus like a hundred hacked Sims: CC objects. *sigh* I don't even know how I'm gonna get the Sims back on here. I'm a lot less sick now, though, so there's that. c: And I got a guitar! Oh man. Plus school's starting Wednesday. *cries* Soon, my friends, my update schedule will be much, much worse. I was doing pretty good for a while there.
I REWROTE THE PREVIOUS CHAPTER A LITTLE TO EXPLAIN THINGS BETTER, YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GO REREAD IT BEFORE READING THIS.
Anyway, Chapter Fourteen, enjoy. Fuckin' finally, right?
I had no idea how long I lay crumpled against the door, how long I lay frozen by endless fear and listless regret and the choking fury of helplessness. I couldn't help what I said. I couldn't take it back. I couldn't un-say it. I was honest and now I would pay the price for it. That was just like life. That would be exactly what life decided I deserved. It's just what I knew I deserved. Forever to be punished for something I couldn't stop, punished for mistakes I didn't know were possible. Maybe there was something beyond fate constantly pissing on me. Maybe there was some kind of god out there. Maybe He did consider homosexuality sin like all the fucking pastors in this shitty town preached. Maybe losing the one I needed most, losing someone I'd been waiting for my whole life, maybe we were wrong simply because we shared a gender, and maybe losing him would be fair enough punishment to atone for my "sins."
Maybe that was His decision.
But you know what, I'd never been particularly religious before now, and honestly, I didn't feel much like starting. Because maybe, just fucking maybe, maybe there was no god, maybe this wasn't my punishment for anything, and just fucking maybe there was something I could do about it. My mind made up in an instant, I leapt up, slamming my elbow painfully into the doorknob, and sprinted out the front door. I blinked and suddenly the outside of the bedroom window met my vision. I cursed my height more vehemently than ever when I bounced up and still failed to reach even the sill. I was just an inch short. Fuck height. Unbidden, the memory of the night we took a walk in the park came back and I allowed myself a tiny smile while searching for a small enough pebble.
Clack. I paused. Nothing.
Clack. Something shifted inside. One more. Just one more. Please.
Clack. The window began to open and I prayed to the god that may or may not be that for once my mistake could be forgiven, that for once, the only one time I knew I deserved it, life would cut me some slack.
Sollux peeked out and glanced down at me, blinking in surprise. "Well. I gueth' doorth' can't th'top you from getting where you wanna be." He had some nerve to be making jokes when I thought he'd been tying his own noose.
"Help me up, fuckass." His eyes practically rolled out of his head as he took a step back and moved some things from in front of the window. A moment later, his silhouette was replaced in the window and long, gangly arms stretched towards me. I locked wrists with him and, ignoring the burning in my muscles, together we heaved my scar-adorned body up and through it. I tumbled into the room, landing on top of him. It was a long time before either of us moved, but I finally summoned some strength and pushed myself onto shaky legs. Looking down, I was both numbingly shocked and beyond relieved to find Sollux propped up on his elbows, dressed in nothing but a gray tee-shirt and darker briefs, perturbed but otherwise completely self-unharmed.
"What even ith' your deal, KK?" he snapped as he stood and walked over to the nightstand. Atop said nightstand lay capped a translucent, orange bottle of prescription medication, two tablets of which were set beside a dixie cup full of water. We stared at each other for a minute, him having stopped when he caught me looking.
He returned the medicine bottle to the drawer and quickly swallowed the pills, casually tossing the crumpled cup towards the wastebasket, and missing, like it was a completely normal thing to do. Really, it was a completely normal thing to. The longer I looked, however, the longer I thought about it, the more I felt like shaking him for it. I didn't trust myself to speak, though, let alone move at that moment.
"You look a bit confuth'ed," he stated nonchalantly, putting the cup where garbage was meant to go. I blinked and holy, shit, he moved fast, hello. Suddenly there was a heterochromatic, raven-haired douche standing within a foot of my face. I didn't think; I didn't feel. I just moved. With each second that passed, there was another blow made to his stomach, his shoulder, his chest, his arms, anywhere I could reach. I didn't even notice the tears on my face until after I felt them on my hands. Didn't notice the knot in my throat until I screamed at him.
"You are truly an asshole, Sollux! A right fucking bastard! What the hell is wrong with you?! What the sweet fucking shit is wrong with you?!" My words dissolved into sobs as I collapsed against him, letting his long arms hold me and comfort me. He didn't say anything, though — he just held me. "Why did you lock the door? I thought you were... I-I thought..." I cried harder into his shirt, trailing off when I found I couldn't speak my fear. I didn't even care how pathetic I looked, a grown man sobbing grossly against another grown man. I couldn't have cared less if someone fucking payed me to. The only thing that mattered was that he was okay.
"KK," he said softly, burying his fingers in my hair and stroking it softly. "KK, calm down. Shh... KK, pleath'e." He didn't move. I didn't move. We stood beyond still, two bodies so close they could be one. I finally managed to get ahold of myself enough to let him simply hold me.
That didn't stop my voice from coming out tearful and pathetic when I spoke again. "Why did you lock the door?"
"Becauth'e. Becauth'e I don't know. Becauth'e I wath' gonna make you th'leep on the couch becauth'e I'm a douche like that." I closed my eyes and hugged him tighter. He wasn't killing himself. I thought, numb with relief. He wasn't killing himself. He wasn't killing himself. He was just mad at me. With due right. I'm the asshole. He wasn't killing himself. "Ith' that what you thought I wath' doing?"
"Son of a fuck. I said that out loud, didn't I?" He mhm-ed at me and I groaned and buried my face deeper into the crook of his neck. "Don't hate me, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I just—"
"How many more timeth' am I gonna have to tell you to shut up before you get the idea and th'tart fucking shutting up?" Sollux's tone was a lot more teasing than I had been expecting. "I don't hate you, KK. I'm not gonna hate you. Ever. You're th'tuck with me for a while, th'o you'd better get uth'ed to it. And that meanth' ekth'pecting me to th'tick around even when before you would have ekth'pected leth'."
"No." My brow furrowed. "No. That's wrong, that sounds wrong. Expect less... I don't expect less of you," I protested, digging my fingers into his back. "I expect a lot of you. I expect more from you than I do from me. I expect that you're gonna do better than what I expect because you're you, because you're Sollux, and... shit. I don't expect less of you. Don't think that." And I was tearing up again.
"Okay," he said quietly, tightening his grip in return. "Can we th'it down? Or, like, lie down or th'omething? My legth' are th'tarting to get tired." I shook my head and gave him a firm "nn-nnh!" and readjusted my arms around him. "Okay." He spoke slowly, as if trying to piece together an explanation to my reaction in his head. Failing, he added, "Why not?"
"Sitting down or like lying down or something means I have to let you go for a few seconds. Letting you go is that thing that's never happening again." To my chagrin, he almost instantly let out a chuckle. "What, you think I'm kidding—?"
"What if I have to take a dump, KK?" I grimaced and let my face fall back into his neck, opting to just stand there and inhale his scent rather than to answer his question. "Or if I'm getting eaten by a shark, would you th'till be holding on to me then? What about if I wath' falling off a cliff or into a vat of ath'id? Where would you be?"
"Where the fuck do you come up with this shit?" I asked incredulously, pulling my face away to look up at him. "There aren't any sharks around for five hundred miles in any direction, unless you count zoos and aquariums, but seriously? And have you looked around lately? We are in Okla-fucking-homa. We're hardly cliff-central. And I'm just gonna. Acid. Really?"
"Really, really," he replied, cocking his head ever so slightly and grinning.
"Aaaand now you're making Shrek references. Stop talking, I'm revoking your speaking privileges. Just stand there there and look good."
"Don't feel much like th'tanding. How 'bout we lay down?"
"No, I already told you why that's not happening."
"But what if I told you why it ith', becauth'e you wouldn't have to let me go?"
"And why would that be?"
"Becauth'e thith'." Before I had a chance to reply, he turned and literally threw me into his bed, his lanky form flying after mine of course and repaying me for having landed on him when I climbed through the window earlier.
"Sollux! Oww, fuck! Think you could have done that and not crushed me half to fucking death in the midst?" I griped, trying (failing) to roll him off of me.
"Probably," he said snarkily, quickly silencing any answer I might have come up with with a gentle kiss and a nip at my collarbone through a little hole in my button-down. "I'm th'orry for th'caring you."
"You better fucking be, prick. I still think you're an asshole." I growled to myself and turned my head away, feigning more anger towards him than I really felt.
"Damn. That'th' too bad... And you're abth'olutely, two-hundred perth'ent sure there'th' nothing I can do to make it up to you? To... oh, I don't know, change your mind, maybe?" A rougher grating of teeth met my skin. I couldn't stop my gasp. Cold fingertips danced along the holes of skin showing through my dress shirt, little pockets of ice that grew with each microscopic swoosh of a button through fabric. Before I knew what was happening, Sollux's fingers had unbuttoned their way up to my collar and now his lips were warming up the stripe of cold down my chest. A kiss brought his face back to mine and the words he spoke were sent coursing through my veins as easily as he spoke them; "Let me make up your mind, KK. Let me show you how th'orry I am." It was taking all my energy to keep my breathing even, which didn't leave much for an answer.
He found one in my ragged breaths anyway, trailing his teeth along my nipple and down to my belly button. "I know I can be an ath'hole, KK," he murmured with his lips against my skin, his voice sounding impossibly far away and still so close. "I know I do thingth' that pith' you off — often — and I know I'm a handful to deal with becauth'e that'th' juth't how I am th'ometimeth'." As his words stopped, so did the gentle brush of his lips, and just as quickly he was leaning over me, his eyes asking to hold mine with an intensity I couldn't refuse. "You were right. I haven't been taking my medth', and I didn't realize how much it wath' affecting me until you pointed it out. I thought I'd been doing pretty good, honeth'tly. But regardleth', I need to th'tart taking care of myth'elf again before I hurt th'omeone I care about becauth'e of my th'tupid, th'tubborn obth'tinanth'e. Can you help me with that? Help me with making sure I actually take my medication?"
He looked so innocent; childish, almost, with the way his eyes looked so hopefully into mine, a hint of the fear of rejection shadowing them. It was sweet and endearing and filled me with something I couldn't put a name to. I took a minute to let the full of his admission sink in, as well as to let that warm feeling his gaze gave me fill me up, before nodding. He sealed the agreement with a soft kiss and murmured, "Now, ath' for that payment of mine; payment? Repayment, maybe? Or... offering, plain and th'imple. What do you think?" he added, sinking his teeth lightly into my neck. "Ith' thith' advanth'e payment for the job I th'et you? Or an offering of peath'e for my ath'holery earlier? Both work juth't fine for me. Both work in my favor." The smug grin was clearly evident in his voice as he teased the sensitive skin beneath his teeth.
His fingers trailed along my stomach again and sent a shudder up my spine as they tucked my shirt partway beneath me. I hadn't even noticed the short whines and whimpers accompanying it until a deep, rough kiss stopped them. "You make the cuteth't noith'eth'," he told me playfully, kissing me again. "I almost wanna record them, keep 'em for myth'elf and only me to lith'ten to. Maybe I'll play them when th'chool th'tartth' and you're in a clath' and I'm at home, all by myth'elf. All alone. The thingth' I could do with the noith'eth' you make—"
I wanted to stop his plan from formulating any further, because knowing him, he would put something that convoluted into action if it worked in his favor, and it always worked in his favor. That was part of why I shut him up. But mostly it was because I didn't like where he was going with all the school talk. School had a lot of possibilities for someone like Sollux, a lot of opportunities. As for someone like me? Well, not so much. I wasn't sure I was even going next year, for a lot of reasons, but he didn't need to know that and and the sooner we got off the topic of school, the better.
And so his taunting promise ended with my hands gripping his ass. His parted lips froze and his trembling fingers hit a standstill and air itself changed as he became mine. "The things you could do with the noises I make. And yet all it takes is just one touch to bring the possibilities crashing down to nothing as you melt in my hands," I said, making no attempt to hide the satisfaction in my voice. "Who said you got to be on top? I don't like that. Roll over for me." I was half expecting him to laugh in my face, but he instead followed my command without hesitation and rolled over flat on his back. His head turned slightly to the side and he looked out expectantly, as if waiting for further instruction. This is a side of Sollux I could get used to, I thought mischievously.
I saw an opportunity in his openness. I took it.
"Why don't you give me something to look at? I like your shirt and all, but I'm much more interested in what it's covering." Again without the slightest pause, he struggled for a minute with his shirt then tossed it to the floor, laying back now shirtless against the pillow. I was half-tempted to take off my own shirt to even the score, but a year of meticulously making sure my shirt wouldn't come off in front of people had made me more self-conscious than I'd like to admit, so I left mine on. Before he got a similar idea, I leaned forward and let my lips acquaint themselves with his chest. His two-letter nickname for me met my ears in various little cries and gasps as my teeth and tongue teased him — I even left him a nice, big hickey on a really receptive part of his neck, which, unfortunately for him, was rather high up. I smiled to myself as I thought about Sollux shamefully asking to borrow a turtleneck.
Eventually, my mouth worked its way lower to his soft, cottony briefs. I could feel the fabric brush against my cheek and looked up just in time to see him furiously attempting to hide a blush. I simply smiled and brazenly nuzzled against the raising tent, eliciting a loud gasp and a jerk of movement as he propped himself up on his elbows. "KK, what are you—?"
"Ah, ah, ah, Sollux. Lie back down."
"But—"
"I'll stop right now if you don't lie down. And you wouldn't want that, would you?" The support of his elbows was gone before I got even halfway through the second sentence. This power I didn't know I could have over him was quickly going to my head, and I was loving every second of it. I didn't waste any time in sliding his briefs down, pausing only shortly for him to raise his ass high enough that I could get the waistline around it. It wasn't long before he was lying stiffly on the sheets in front of me, very naked, very vulnerable, and very, very hard. Sucking cock hadn't been strictly part of my agenda that night, but hey, I supposed I could be flexible.
I'm pretty sure the noise he made when my lips met the head would be stuck in my mind for a couple days; a squeaky, pathetic little whine blended with a lovely gasp, and broken halfway. The noise was nothing short of perfection, not to mention instant motivation to try for more. It was strange, something so evenly round going so far into my mouth. Kind of like a popsicle, but not cold and with a much smoother texture. And far more salty. Not that it wasn't a good salty. It was definitely a good salty. Had just a little bit of the same spark of flavor I got when kissing him.
After a while, I got used to his length in my mouth and bobbed my head around it, letting the wet heat of my mouth soak into him whenever he slipped just a little bit deeper down my throat. I wasn't quite struggling with him yet, but in this position, it was bound to happen sooner than later, so I pulled away with a hard suck and a loud pop. He whimpered and I met his gaze, snickering. "Oh, don't worry. I'm not done yet. I just need you to move for me." He whimpered again and nodded, still biting his lip.
I climbed over his legs and got on my knees in front of the edge of the bed. "Come on, come sit on the edge." He moved quickly to the side and sat with his legs on either side of me. I had to admit, I was thoroughly enjoying the view. Scooting forward a bit, I stroked him slowly with one hand and looked up for a half-second as I slid my tongue over the slit in the tip. He groaned and leaned back slightly, instinctively bringing a hand to the back of my head. I couldn't help but grin up at him. "Feel free to guide me if you think I need it," I prompted invitingly. "Just putting it out there, I have no clue what I'm doing beyond the basic fucking rules of cocksucking and imagining what I'd like, so if there's anything in particular you'd be interested in having me do," I said, pausing both for dramatic effect and to glide my tongue along the entirety of his length, resulting in a shudder on his behalf, "don't hesitate to help me get there."
With that, I closed my lips over the tip, taking care to keep my teeth out of the mix for now, and slid my mouth down, resuming my steady rhythm from before. Sollux rolled his head back with a low moan and I pulled away just once more. "And stop biting your lip. I want to hear you." With that, I dove right back in, sucking just a little bit faster and just a little bit harder and just a little bit deeper. Apparently I did something right, because his fingers tangled into my hair and the slightest pressure was put on the back of my head when I pushed it forward. I hummed encouragement around him, which resulted in a louder moan and a rougher nudge. Bracing myself, I forced my throat to relax and pushed my head forward until my lips met the soft scratchiness of the black tuft of hair around the base. His length was uncomfortable in the back of my throat, but I chose to ignore it for favor of the pleasure I knew I was giving him.
I didn't realize I'd been holding my breath until I had to pull away to inhale, but I once again ignored the awkwardness of it to continue the job I'd set myself. Not even bothering to pause, I glanced up at Sollux to find him completely lost in bliss; eyes closed, face up, mouth open and breaths coming short and ragged, a few moans and gasps tossed into the mix here and there. Considering my progress well done, I upped the ante a little and unsheathed just the tips of my teeth, biting down hard enough for it to be noticeable but softly enough that it wouldn't hurt. I didn't know if he was a masochist, but experimentation could always come later. As for first-time events, I just wanted them to go smoothly.
He gasped and called out my name, gripping my hair tighter and almost pulling me back. Smiling internally, I moved forward more insistently, giving him a hard suck as I did. He called my name out again in a strangled kind of cry that I took, rightly so, to be a warning. Suddenly the back of my mouth was filled with something tangy and salty and warm, moreso than his length itself. Pulling my head away, I swirled his seed around my mouth a bit, enjoying the unique taste, before swallowing loudly and then sticking my tongue out at him to show off my now empty mouth.
His expression had never been so gorgeous.
Within the span of ten seconds, he'd somehow managed to haul me back onto the bed and get the blanket over both of us. He parted his lips and I was expecting him to start talking; instead he leaned forward and gave me a deep, rough, wonderful kiss. The shocking depravity of his action was strangely arousing, but exhaustion overpowered desire and I just let him kiss me. "I'm so tired, Sollux," I whispered when he paused for air.
"Let'th' go to bed then, okay?" he whispered back. I nodded slowly and he kissed me again. Struggling out of the covers, he crawled to the edge of the bed — still stark naked — and switched the light off. Clamoring back to me, he slid quickly back in place beneath the blanket and slipped an arm underneath me. I curled up against him and pressed a gentle kiss to his chest, the only place I could be bothered to reach at the moment. He bent a little and kissed the top of my head before draping his other hand over my waist. "Good night, KK."
"Night, Sollux. Love you."
I was asleep before the words I'd spoken registered in my mind.
"...Love you, too."
Review~!
And I'm sorry this took so long. I'm not gonna excuses except computer and sickness. Also week of camp, but mostly sickness. But yeah, apology anyway. It'll only get worse from here on out. Also my author's notes are getting longer... I suddenly understand Rage's issue with long intros in his videos XD (Rage as in RageGamingVideos on YouTube, I love him, he's British and does Minecraft stuff and he's lovely).