Author's Note: Alright, I am getting back on track. I woke up Saturday the twenty-seventh and just fucking lost my voice for no reason whatsoever, and I'm kind of grounded, but my grandma thinks I'm writing a press release for history, so yay computer time! That being said, I think I've determined a reasonable end for this fic anywhere between chapters 25 and 30. I have the strangest feeling I'll end on 31, but who knows? We'll see, I guess.

I started off saying both "rad" and "friend" and "th'up?" ironically, like "Yo, that's pretty rad," or "Hello friend I am here," or just a simple "th'up" in reply to a friend's hello. Now they're just parts of my everyday vocabulary. I feel almost like I should be worried. Also the "enclosed porch" at my grandma's house (it's a fucking add-on, who gives a shit) is finished, so I now have an office kind of area, which is nice because desk. c: But also bad because everything I do is completely visible so no... *ahem* research for smut anymore, and I can't write as much as I like or play some Rooster Teeth vid in the background even. Bullshit, honestly. Plain bullshit. On top of that, I now have a fucking bedtime for some reason that I've never had before, and I can't take my laptop upstairs with me, either. And (have I mentioned this?) I think I have bipolar, because I've been alternating violently happy and exhaustively depressed, and feeling each for weeks at a time. I just hope whatever it is doesn't affect my writing too much. Or does, considering I'm writing about someone bipolar? I don't know.

So, tell me, dear readers, because I'm curious; do my long author's notes bother you guys? I won't mind cutting them down, I just kind of like keeping you guys updated and I like talking to you. A more informal kind of thing than just review replies because not everybody reviews but I'd still like to let you know that you're all lovely people. cx

For future reference and current knowledge, my sixteenth birthday occurred on the 4th of this lovely November in the year of 2013, and I can honestly say it was one of the best days I've had in a few years, at least. Like, wow, holy fucking shit I am possibly the luckiest person on the face of the Earth, seriously wow. Okay. Enough mushy shit.

Chapter Eighteen, lovelies. Read on.

The next week passed without incident, lazy days filled with cuddles on the couch, movies, and late-night hacking in which Sollux somehow obtained money for our simple household while I played video games. It was during this week the thought occurred to me that Sollux and I wouldn't ever have to ask the other to move in with them, because we already lived together. I tried not to read too much into that. Another thought that crossed my mind through our few sexual encounters over the same amount of days was that my dorky boyfriend had yet to go down on me, though I figured that was more of a personal matter and I had no doubt in my mind that he'd confront me about it in his own time. It was hardly a concern when he was balls-deep down my throat and moaning like a fucking pornstar in the living room because we could get away with that.

That matter aside, the main occupant of my brain was Kanaya — or more specifically, her funeral. It wasn't anything particularly grand, a small event meant for her family and close friends only. Robert had finally been able to notify her parents, who'd cut their trip short and come home to witness the burial of their youngest daughter upon receiving the call. Sollux and I attended without question; we were met by my parents and Nepeta, as well as Feferi, Dave, and Jade. Aside from Kanaya's parents and sister, and I think her aunt too, though I didn't know for sure, there was only one other attendee. Admittedly, I had a hard time believing she existed, or that she knew Kanaya at the very least, considering she was the woman I'd seen on the corner in my dream. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I recognized her. I knew her from somewhere. The issue I was taking was where I knew her from; somewhere that obviously wasn't just my dream, considering she'd looked familiar then, too.

I had still been trying to figure out who in the hell she was when Sollux leaned over a bit and murmured, "Doeth' she look familiar to you, too?" nodding towards the dark-haired semi-stranger.

"Yeah, but I can't fucking place her and it's irritating the absolute shit out of me."

"Th'ame. I definitely know her, though. I know her name and everything, I juth't can't — oh!" he gasped, snapping quietly. "Vrith'ka! Vrith'ka Th'erket, that'th' who that ith'."

My eyes widened. Vriska? What's she doing in Oklahoma? I thought she'd moved to like Hollywood or some other glamorous west coast city. It must have been something to do with Kanaya. I don't think she knows anyone else who lives here, save Sollux and me, and she sure as hell wasn't coming to visit us. Huh. She must have come to see Kanaya, just in time to watch her be killed — wait, what the fuck? How do I know if she was watching? That was just some bullshit combination my mind put together to explain things 'cause I naturally connect those two in my mind. She probably wasn't there, dumbass.

"Huh. I wonder what she's doing here," I muttered, more to myself than him.

"I dunno. Wonder how she knew KN died." He shrugged and checked his phone, seemingly forgetting about the strange, sudden appearance of the brunette in Oklahoma City. My attention was, unfortunately, not so easily swayed. I stared at my lap and tried to come up with how she knew about Kanaya's death while Sollux disappeared to where I assumed was the bathroom. He returned just as the small service began, and I neither acknowledged his return nor listened to the local pastor, now completely lost in thought.

The next two weeks passed largely uneventfully, Vriska having yet to so much as cross my mind since the funeral and life moving on without Kanaya, no matter how hard I tried to hang on. She still weighed rather heavily on my mind, and the guilt I associated with myself being the reason for her death weighed even more heavily on my shoulders, but I stood up through my burden and kept on living because the only other option was giving up, and try as I might, I couldn't see Kanaya ever accepting me giving up, much less on her behalf. So I kept going. For her.

I kept up for Sollux, too, though it was a bit more difficult for him. I'd officially decided I definitely wasn't going back to college, and he would not be happy about that. I'd wait as long as I could before letting him know, but he was bound to find out sooner or later and it wasn't gonna be pretty. But when everything around me was all I could hope for from him, it was easily put out of mind.

Friday was very lax at first; Sollux watched TV in the living room and I played computer games in the bedroom. It did bother me on occasion that I hardly contributed shit to our funds, but I managed to hide the irritation with myself enough that I could continue on as normal, with only an additional dull ache of guilt in the darkest part of my thoughts. Eventually, as such repetitive games as The Sims tended to lend reason to, I got bored and hungry and risked a venture out of the bedroom for a snack.

"KK, come here," I heard the instant the door opened. "I wanna talk to you about th'omething." I raised an eyebrow and turned instead towards the living room, where Sollux had apparently just turned off the TV and, rather than seeking me out, jumped at the opportunity to remain seated. Dual toned irises behind glinting lenses now tracked my progress out of our room.

"How worried should I be?" I asked slowly, walking warily into the living room.

"Not worried," he replied, shaking his head with a soft smile. "Daunted, maybe, but I wouldn't th'ay worried."

I took a seat next to him on the couch, putting my arm around the back of it and leaning slightly away from him, glancing apprehensively towards my boyfriend. "Alright, I'm here. What do you want?"

"Bullshit, you're here. Come here," he added, patting his lap.

"Sollux—"

"KK," he sneered. I rolled my eyes and shifted onto his lap. Last thing I wanted was to drag out his ridiculous sense of entitlement, but I couldn't help but give in every now and then. He rewarded me with a smile and any sliver of regret vanished.

"Fine, I'm here. What do you want to talk about?"

A terrifying smirk replaced his previous smile. "Th'ekth'." I froze; again, this was one of those words I would have laughed at under other circumstances. It didn't even sound like 'sex,' it sounded like just like he said it, 'th'ekth'.' I glanced over to find a sickeningly adorable grin brightening Sollux's face and swallowed hard.

"Wh-What about it?" I managed eventually.

He shrugged. "What do you think about it?"

"I, uh..." I was off-put, to say the least. "I'm not sure I like the idea of a dick up my ass, if that's what you're asking," I muttered, unable to meet his gaze.

I wriggled to get comfortable again as his chest moved with his laughter. "That'th' not ekth'actly what I meant, but that workth', too."

"Well what 'ekth'actly' did you mean, then?"

"How comfortable are you with the conth'ept of having th'ekth'?" he asked with another shrug and a shake of his head.

"W-With-With you?" I stammered.

He pulled a face and rolled his eyes. "No, KK, with th'trangerth' — yeth', with me, moron."

"I was just...," I trailed off. Shaking my head, I changed thought processes. "Why?"

"Becauth'e I'm curiouth'."

"Ooh, yeah, that's a good reason Sollux, come on, give me a stupid one, just for laughs."

"Cute, KK. Why the fuck do you think?" That shut me up. "Anth'wer the question."

"I'm not... uncomfortable with the concept. I am, however, very un-fucking-comfortable with this conversation, why are we talking about this?"

"If you don't know, you're an idiot, and you're not an idiot, KK, th'o I'm gueth'ing you know." I groaned at his reply. We then sat there in silence for what felt like an eternity, his words sinking in while I very deliberately avoided visual contact with the eyes I could feel studying me. "Th'o. Would you like to have th'ekth'?"

A particularly unmanly squeak made its way out of my throat. I stuttered viciously in protest and pushed myself as far against the arm of the couch as I could, regardless of how little it was affecting how in-his-lap I was. "Sollux! You don't just... ask that!"

"Well... I juth't did, th'o..." He turned his head from side to side, as though weighing his options. "Yeah. Would you?" I opened my mouth to answer and found myself unable to do anything but whimper pathetically at how awkward I felt, a blush crawling higher up my neck with every passing second. "I'm ath'king for a yeth' or no anth'wer, KK, there shouldn't be anything difficult about thith'."

I couldn't say why it popped into my mind, but I couldn't help the tiny smile that rose to my lips when the memory of him asking me to be his boyfriend surfaced. "Yeah, maybe," I replied quietly, playing along. "I don't know."

"I'm not gonna pressure you into thinking you have to," he stated, a challenge playing in the multicolored eyes I finally brought myself to meet.

"That's my line, dumbass," I whispered, beaming.

"Yeah, but that wouldn't work in your poth'ition, now would it?"

My grin grew. "Shut up."

His eyes narrowed. "Make me."

So I did.

Pushing off the arm of the couch, I trapped his lips with a deep kiss, wrapping one arm around his neck and using the other to keep myself up. He moved me back a bit, which gave me enough leverage to sit up without assistance and lock my other arm over his shoulder. He leaned into the kiss and I felt his arms on either side of me, dislodging them only when I moved to straddle his lap. My new seat gave me a height advantage, which was admittedly rare for me. I pulled my lips away from his and moved them instead to his ear. "Yeah, I'd like to have sex with you, stupid. I mean, honestly, how can I say no to you?" I added in a whisper, biting down gently on his earlobe. He let out a little gasp of surprise and immediately braced his hands on my hips.

"KK!" he huffed, his cheeks rapidly growing redder than mine had. "I-I didn't mean now! I wath' juth't... nngh. KK. Don't-Don't, like, shit, can you juth't... th'it down for a th'econd, or-or th'omething? I-I-I need to... think about thith'."

"Christ, Sollux, the fuck do you think I'm doing?" I asked indignantly, moving off him at the behest of his pleading hands. "I'm not about to pound you into the couch, for fuck's sake." Childish as it felt, I crossed my arms over my chest, snorting, and looked away. Sollux, his breath slightly more labored than usual, sat otherwise quietly, very obviously twiddling his fucking thumbs and waiting for something to happen.

Another awkward silence dragged out. Every fucking time we try to talk about us, shit gets damn awkward. I hope to God it won't always be like this. Like, will there actually ever be a time in our goddamn relationship when we don't get awkward talking about our goddamn relationship? I sighed, which naturally prompted a sigh from my right. Smirking internally, I sighed back, heavier, and was met with another sigh in response. I practically growled the third time, and he growl-sighed back, a smile just evident in his barely-detectable tone. I unfolded my arms and set my right hand on the couch cushion next to me. Another hand quickly clasped it and I turned my gaze to it, rather noticeably scooting over so that I could more easily lean against my boyfriend.

I didn't feel half as uneasy as I had before, so I was perfectly content with sitting and cuddling a bit with Sollux. That was, at least, until he spoke up again; "How'th' nekth't Th'aturday th'ound?"

I paused. "Sollux," I began calmly. "Did you just set a date for sex?"

"Yeah," he said, sounding like it couldn't have been more obvious.

I sighed again. "Are you shitting me right now? Who actually plans sex? Who actually fucking schedules this shit?"

"I do, you prick. Beth'ideth', th'etting a th'peth'ific day for it, eth'pecially the firth't time, taketh' away th'ome of the pressure."

"Bullshit."

"KK, pleath'e, juth't—"

"Seriously, Sollux?"

"Yeah, KK, th'eriouth'ly, alright?!" he shouted, snapping when I'd least expected. He glared ferociously at me, his brow turned down and his hand suddenly tighter on mine. "Becauth'e, and I know you fucking know thith', I do not want to fuck up with you. I don't wanna make any mith'taketh' with you. Other people, yeah, sure, you fuck up, you move on, you find th'omebody elth'e. It'th' fucking different with you, becauth'e if I fuck up with you, KK, there ith'n't th'omebody elth'e. There'th' only you."

I opened my mouth to interject and was cut off as he continued. "And I'd would much rather th'it through thith' goddamned awkward-ath' converth'ation than fuck up and loth'e you becauth'e I pushed too hard like the th'tupid, th'elfish, complete ath'hole that I am. Th'o you know what, KK? You can at the very leath't humor me, alright? 'Cauth'e fuck if I'm gonna loth'e you over th'omething ath' th'tupid ath' th'ekth' becauth'e I pushed too hard and tried to pressure you into th'omething you didn't wanna do 'cauth'e I didn't try hard enough!"

To say I was surprised would be a gross understatement. I watched without a word as the fire drained from his eyes. His grip loosened and his expression relaxed and he looked away with a pathetic sink in his shoulders. "I-I juth't... I juth't meant to..." He shook his head slowly, a gesture that matched the hopelessness in his new tone. "Th'orry. I'm th'orry, KK."

I had to make a physical effort to avoid rolling my eyes. "Shut up." He nodded as I shook my head. "No, I mean it, Sollux. Shut the fuck up. Like, stop. Don't say shit like that. The fuck are you apologizing for, too? I'm the moron who should have guessed that. I'm the fucking retard who, you're right, knew that shit and fucking glanced over it like it didn't mean a damn thing. I ignored it and I-I'm sorry. I shouldn't have. I'm sorry and... and you didn't take your meds today, did you?" I asked in defeat, now turning my head away. A soft ' nn-nn' came from his direction and I laced our fingers together. He responded with a gentle, forlorn squeeze. "Why?"

"'Cauth'e. I didn't take 'em lath't week. Or the week before. 'Cauth'e KN'th' funeral — I didn't, like, by-by the time I'd realized I forgot, we were already there. I gueth' I broke whatever habit I'd been reforming and I've made th'tupid ekth'cuth'eth' to not take them th'inth'e." He hesitated before adding, " I-I didn't mean to—"

"Hush. Go get your meds. Now."

"KK—"

"You heard me."

"But—"

"Nope. Go."

"Karkat!"

"Th'ollukth'!" I mocked. He finally stood up with a growl, turning to walk into our bedroom. He came out a moment later with a bottle of medication and made his way into the kitchen for a glass of water.

"You're a real ath'hole th'ometimeth', KK, you know that? Fucking both'ing me around, you know what, fuck you."

This time, I did roll my eyes. I don't need this shit, and he's just being moody 'cause he's an idiot and forgot his medication. Then again, I should have noticed, so I guess it is half my fault, but at the same time, I've got a lot of shit on my plate and I can't go around monitoring him twenty-four, seven. "Sollux," I said firmly, trying to keep him from adding more.

"It'th' fucking bullshit, you're not the goddamn both' of the houth'ehold, and you have no right to—"

It obviously hadn't worked the first time, so I tried again; "Sollux."

"—to interrupt me, or ekth'pect me to run around at your whim and do whatever the fuck you tell me to." He paused momentarily to chug down a glass of water after a couple mood stabilizers. "And beth'ideth' that, beth'ideth' ordering me around or complaining about th'omething elth'e, you've hardly th'aid two wordth' to me th'inth'e KN'th' funeral."

The raw honesty of his words hit me so suddenly I felt worse for not having noticed before. "Sollux," I said, the tone of my voice not coming anywhere close to matching my instant regret, "can you please—"

"No, I can't, KK. It'th' like I'm not ath' important to you anymore, like I don't mean ath' much ath' I uth'ed to to you. And that really fucking th'uckth', 'cauth'e you mean more to me now than ever, and I hate to think that you don't wanna be in thith' relationship anymore—"

"No," I croaked miserably. No, no, stop, that's completely wrong, don't say that!

"—but that'th' almoth't all I've been able to pick up from you lately, ith' that you want out of thith', th'o if how you act ith' how you feel, I can juth't pack up my shit and go th'tay with my parentth' for a bit until I find th'omewhere elth'e to go."

"Sollux, stop that, it's not funny!" I begged, as though anything about how he said it suggested anything even remotely amusing.

He ignored me entirely and kept on. "Becauth'e, you know, KK, for ath' much of an ath'hole ath' you've been to me, you th'till mean the world to me, and I'll th'till do anything to make you happy, even if it leaveth' me alone. Th'o if you wanna break it off with me, all you have to do ith' th'ay th'omething and I'll be out of your hair and you won't have to deal with me anymore. You can go find th'omebody elth'e who will treat you better than I muth't be to deth'erve the shit you're giving me. I can go and you won't have to deal with me anymore," he repeated softly. "You th'ertainly don't th'eem to want to."

I could feel tears welling in my eyes before I even attempted to speak around the growing knot in my throat. "That-That's not true, don't — S-Sollux, I don't wanna get rid of you, really, I don't wanna leave you or a-anything, I just—" Ran out of excuses, I finished silently. Excuses for what? What an honest to God dick I've been lately? Or maybe I've run out of energy. Maybe I'm tired of reassuring him that I need him without saying it outright. Maybe I'm tired of looking after him. He's a twenty-one year old man. He shouldn't need me to look after him, he shouldn't need looking after. He shouldn't need me to make sure he's taking his goddamn medicine, that's shit for kids. But that's not it. That's really not it. I'm not tired of him. I don't think I could ever get tired of him. I might get a bit fed-up with his constant necessity to be around me sometimes, but in all honesty, the last thing I'd ever want is for him to leave, for him to stop caring.

I need him. I need his stupid voice and his stupid laugh and his stupid grin and his stupid, incredible eyes, and his stupid... stupidness! I need everything that is Sollux because it's him. "There is no 'somebody else.' Besides you," I quoted quietly, unable once again to meet his eyes, though this time for a completely different reason. "If I fuck up with you, I don't get to move on, I don't get to find somebody else, because if I fuck up with you, there isn't somebody else. I'm not trying to break up with you. Please. I'm really not. You... y-you mean the world to me. Too. I... I hate making you this upset. I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry. I'm stressed out and I'm taking it out on you and that's not fair to you and you sincerely don't deserve that and please believe me, Sollux, I'm so sorry it hurts. I'm not trying to get rid of you, really, I-I need you, I can't lose you now, I can't, I-I can't — n-not now, not so soon after Kanaya, not ever, and I-I just... I'm really fucking sorry and please believe me, Sollux, I can't... fucking... Sollux, I can't lose you, too. I can't. I can't. I—" Can't.

I looked up and watched through tear-blurred eyes as he turned back towards the kitchen, snatching his keys off the counter and then continuing towards the front door. Just inside the entry hall, he looked back at me and said, "I need a break, KK. I'm going for a drive."

My stomach dropped and I quickly blinked away my tears and looked up to meet his eyes, but he'd already faced away. "Be careful." My voice was loud enough that he could hear and broken enough to send a violent shudder of foreboding down my spine, where it then settled beyond uneasily in my gut. It lent him pause at the door, hand frozen on the doorknob and back still to me. Without a reply, he exited quietly and carefully closed the door after him. "Please," I whispered to myself. "Please be careful."

So... maybe it is affecting my writing? Hm. Anyway, review please, dear readers.