Author's Note: I'M SO DEAD. IN THE BEST POSSIBLE WAY. I AM LITERALLY SO DEAD. I'VE HIT A HUNDRED REVIEWS AND THE HUNDRED AND FIFTH IS LITERALLY THE BEST THING EVER I ACTUALLY CRIED AND WOW I REALLY LOVE YOU GUYS A LOT LIKE HOLY SHIT I DO NOT DESERVE YOUR LOVE, I JUST WRITE THINGS. PENDALY, YOU MADE MY FUCKING LIFE. SERIOUSLY WOW. Okay. So. Tears of utter disbelief and happiness done with (STILL FUCKING WOW), I'm on chapter fucking twenty. I broke 100 reviews in just under 20 chapters, that's (theoretically) five reviews a chapter, and I know a lot more than five people actively read this, but I feel it's still worth mentioning that you all, reviewers or not, have helped me more than I can say in just noting my self-worth, in finding an outlet for when I just can't take my family issues anymore, for when I'm sick of living on the opposite side of the country from my boyfriend, in realizing more of my potential as a writer. I sincerely appreciate all of you, individually and as a whole (and I know this is the kind of shit I should be putting on the last chapter but fuck it it's going here), and you've all helped me so much more than you even know by just so much as clicking my story, let alone reading and honestly enjoying it and by reviewing, and letting me know what I'm doing right or how I can improve. I'm always trying to make my story better for you guys, rereading and looking for mistakes in grammar or typos or misspellings, rewriting bits so that they make more sense, because you guys are worth it and I want to give you my best. I adore all of you and it absolutely makes my day to see that I made even one of you happy. :)
That was mushier than my last note. Who gives a shit, whatever. Anyway, I just went on a two-hundred dollar shopping spree with my badass cousin and my grandma, who funded the whole thing (oh, my shitty sister was there too). I got scarves and earrings and Minecraft graphic tees and Karkat-colored Doc Martins and cute panties and I'm feeling pretty damn good. On top of it, three day weekend! More writing, ye! (Another of those things I said ironically at first... "ye." Whatev. YOLO, right?) I just wanna lay on my bed with my laptop on the pillow and my headphones on (possibly one of Miranda Cosgrove's only good songs, Headphones On) blasting fucking Eve 6 or Get Well Cards or Macklemore or some shit (I've recently been addicted to OneRepublic's Counting Stars and Capitol Cities's Safe and Sound) and just write, all day. Life sounds good, you know? Just happy right now.
But you know what I hate, like, really hate, like, beyond words, fucking Lay/Lie tenses; present, past, present participle, fucking past participle, why do they exist. The past tense of lie is the present tense of lay and it absolutely kills me, I hate them so much, do not even fucking get me started.
Chapter Twenty, holy fucking shit, off we go. Enjoy, loves!
It was just dusk when I pulled up to an Exxon easily halfway to Dallas on 35. Some grubby kid leaned against the side of the gas station, his knees tucked against the same filthy, mustard yellow tee he'd worn the day before beneath the same black hoodie adorned with a red and blue Gemini symbol across the front, split down the middle by the zipper, all streaked with dirt and oil and god knows what else from the cement slabs surrounding the building. He glanced up hopefully when I pulled into the gas station before his eyes darkened and he looked back down in his lap, tugging his knees closer. I parked a space to the left of him and got out without so much as another glance in my direction from him. It wasn't until I stood directly in front of him that he looked up and recognized me. Leaping to his feet, he threw his arms around me with a strangled sob he might have meant to sound like my name. I couldn't resist locking my arms around him as less-than-silent tears dampened my shirt.
He held on to me for a long time, and I let him because he obviously needed it. The only thing that mattered were tiny "th'orry"s whispered into my ear and bitten-down fingernails digging into my shoulder blades as he clung to me. The one streetlamp for about twenty miles flicking on kicked me back into action. "Come on, Sollux. We gotta go home. Get in the car, I'll be right back." He nodded with a sniffle and we both returned to Robert's car, me for the gas can and him to wait for me. When the can was full, I got back in the Subaru and asked, "Alright, so where's the truck?"
"About two mileth' that way," he said, pointing Eastward. I turned the car around and started down the road when he began explaining, "I notith'ed I wath' low on gath' and deth'ided to get off and look for a gath' th'tation. Of courth'e, I went the wrong way and the engine th'talled juth't when I turned around. I walked back toward the highway to maybe flag down th'ome help or th'omething and right on the other fucking th'ide wath' the Ekth'on. Not that it matterth' anyway, 'cauth'e I didn't know I didn't have my wallet until I got back to the car, and by then it wath' dark."
"What'd you do?" I prompted, keeping one eye on the road and another out for the truck.
"I th'lept in the car. The fuck elth'e am I gonna do, I'm not gonna try pushing the damn thing at night, much leth' by myth'elf on an unfamiliar road. When I woke up, I did try pushing it for a bit and got maybe a half-mile down before giving up and walking back. The douche at the gath' th'tation wouldn't let me uth'e hith' phone becauth'e 'there'th' a payphone right outth'ide, go uth'e that and th'top wath'ting my time, you damn vagabond!'" I snorted at his shitty impression of the gas station clerk. I caught his smile out of the corner of my eye and smiled back as he continued.
"Eventually, after wandering around a while, I found a dime and finally uth'ed that to call you earlier. Th'inth'e then I've juth't been th'at there waiting for you. That plath'e getth' weird traffic, lotth' of carth' in burth'tth' and then nobody for hourth'. Ath' more time path'ed, I got more and more afraid you'd came during one of the buth'y momentth' and mith'ed me and drove on."
"Trust me, dude," I said, finally spotting the truck and pulling over in front of it. "If I was there, you'd know it. Do you honestly think I wouldn't be calling for you?"
He groaned and got out after me. "Really? Pleath'e tell me your joking. You wouldn't actually th'tand there and call my name th'urrounded by a bunch of ath'holeth', would you?"
"Yeah, man. Who gives a shit, we don't know any of them. Why do I care what they think of me looking for my—" I paused in hauling out the gas can and cleared my throat pointedly. "—stranded friend?" I counted myself victorious at the minuscule blush on his cheeks and made my way over to the truck. When I'd finished transferring gas to the tank, I stood up and looked at Sollux. "Okay, you follow me in the truck. I'm gonna drop Rob's truck at his house, so I need you to drive me home."
"Alright." He opened the door slowly, looking hesitant, as though he had something to say that he really didn't want to. I ignored it until he grabbed my elbow as I passed him. "KK. I'm really th'orry. I did th'uch a th'tupid thing and—"
"Hey," I cut him off. "Save it for home. I don't wanna hear it right now." He nodded uncertainly, so I grabbed his hands in mine. "Sollux. Stop it, alright? You made a mistake, it's not a big deal. Everyone makes mistakes. Don't worry about it." He held my gaze for a moment before tearing his away. I answered by stretching up and pressing a slow kiss to his lips. "We have some shit to work through, okay? Save it for home," I repeated. "Until then, all you need to know is that I love you." His expression softened and he kissed me once before I took my hands out of his. "I'll see you at Rob's."
"Alright, KK. I love you."
"Damn right you do!" I joked as I got in the car. I kept his grin in my mind the whole way back.
Robert was already home when I got to his house, so I dropped off his car and said hi to the both of them, adding a congratulation to Sarah's greeting. Sollux didn't bother getting out of the truck and simply waved at them as I returned to him. The remainder of the journey home was boring, though I did somehow manage to get away with resting my hand over his, poised on the gear shift. He let the action slide with nothing more than the occasional smirk in my direction.
When we pulled in, Sollux somehow transported away from the vehicle and materialized inside the house — materiaported? Transportalized? — while I was left finding somewhere in the garage to put the once again empty gas can. When I finally settled on a location that I was at least half-certain would keep it from falling over and closed the front door after me, Sollux had changed into more comfortable clothes. What he hadn't done was attempt to clean himself off; a smear of oily dirt spanned chin to cheek, and black grease dotted his nose, eyelids, forehead. I shook my head at him.
"You idiot, did you even look in a mirror?"
"Mirror? What for?" Rolling my eyes, I hooked my hand around his wrist and led him into the bathroom. He cursed under his breath when he glanced at the reflective surface.
"Get in the shower, dumbass." He agreed without argument and undressed himself quickly, eyeing me curiously before removing his boxers. I nodded towards the shower while undoing my belt.
"Are you... joining me?" he questioned slowly, pulling back the curtain.
"I could not, if you'd rather I didn't, but good luck getting that shit off on your own."
"I don't mind," he said as he turned on the water. "Juth't ath'king."
"Well, now you know," I replied, shaking my boxers off my ankle and stepping over the edge after him. He was even more filthy nude, grimy and gritty. "God almighty, it's like you took a fucking mud bath, except worse 'cause this shit sticks."
"You juth't gonna th'tand there and comment on it or were you planning on helping me get it off?" I complained for the next maybe ten minutes while we scrubbed at the dirt, silencing myself only when I started cleaning his face. Too much of my concentration was focused on keeping the soap out of his eyes for me to worry about bitching at him.
"There," I stated when I'd finished. "Fucking done. You're paying to have our pipes drained when all that shit clogs them."
"Thankth'," he replied dryly, turning off the shower. "Glad to hear you truth't me with that responsibility."
"On second thought," I sneered teasingly as I pulled a towel off the rack, "never mind. At least I know I'll have the money to pay the guys with." He pulled a face and turned to close the curtain. I draped my towel over his shoulders in silent apology for my harsh remark, feeling guilty for having made such a low jab as I got another. I wrapped it quickly around myself and before I knew what was happening, Sollux clasped the ends together in his fist and yanked me closer, mashing his lips against mine and driving his tongue in my mouth. I let out a soft hum of gratitude and he released me.
"I really mith'ed you, KK."
"Can this wait until I have clothes on?"
"Fine." We dressed in silence and I followed him into the bedroom. He tucked himself into the farthest corner of the mattress before patting the square of fabric beside him. I took the seat without question and he held me close to him, one arm around my shoulders and another sneaking fingers between mine. "Can I beg for forgiveneth' now, or should I wait for th'omething elth'e?" he half-joked.
"You don't have to, you know. I mean, I know why you acted like a prick, which you're only partially excused for, and, honestly, you were right. I have been the absolute shittiest boyfriend for the past two weeks. If anyone should be 'begging for forgiveness,' it should be me."
"KK—"
"I mean it. You thought I didn't want to be with you anymore, for fuck's sake. You hadn't taken your meds for two straight weeks. That's fourteen days I should have noticed and didn't. If that doesn't say 'ignorant, selfish dick,' I don't know what does. I've been so wrapped up in my own stupid, shitty self-pity and loathing and guilt that I forgot what I still had that I should have been focusing on, instead of what was gone. I'm the one who should be 'begging forgiveness.' Not the other way around."
He didn't say anything for a while after that. I wasn't expecting him to, either. I just kind of hoped I hadn't fucked more up than was fucked up before. He hadn't yet taken his arms away, so I guess I didn't disgust him too much yet. When he finally did say something, he didn't look at me or squeeze my hand or anything. He just talked. "I drove all the way to Dallath' yeth'terday. I wath' th'o fucking mad at you. I juth't wanted to get out of here for a bit, th'o I picked a direction and drove. Then, I blinked and I wath' in Tekth'ath', and I thought, 'What am I doing here?' I juth't ath'ked myth'elf, over and over again, 'What am I doing? Why am I in Tekth'ath'? What'th' here that I don't have at home?' The only thing I wath' doing wath' running away. And I hate running away, I hate taking the coward'th' way out. I'm th'orry I th'aid all the shit to you that I did, 'cauth'e whether it'th' true or not, I sure ath' hell could have brought it up in a way that didn't end with me almoth't ragequitting our fuckin' relationship, th'o... yeah. I'm th'orry. And I forgive you, too, becauth'e I should be reth'ponth'ible for taking care of myth'elf, and that meanth' taking my medth' on time. I ath'ked you to help, I didn't ath'k you to do it for me, th'o I should be carrying th'ome of my own weight. If—"
"Sollux. I get it."
"Er... yeah." I leaned into him and he kissed the side of my head gently.
"Sollux."
"Hm?"
"I love you."
"I love you, too, KK."
"Sollux?"
"Hmm?"
I wrapped my arms around his chest and murmured, "Are we still on for Saturday?"
"Th'atur...? What — oh, you're a fucking ath'hole."
"Are we?" I persisted.
"Fuck you," he stated, grinning ruefully.
"I think that's the plan," I smirked, grinning right on back.
The next Friday was just as relaxed as the Friday before had been, so naturally, I was granted a suspicious anxiety that chose to settle right in the center of my chest. Nothing particularly worrisome occurred at first. Sollux played GTA: SA and I sat beside him and watched, for lack of anything better to do. Well, I lay beside him, anyway, my feet stretching over his lap and my head on the arm opposite him. As I watched the gameplay, I couldn't help but wonder why they only let you have girlfriends in this game. CJ is whoever the fuck you wanna make him be, just so long as your characterization doesn't stray too far from the path dictated by the plot. Why couldn't he be into guys if you wanted him to? I mean, banging the occasional dude could hardly detract from the enjoyability of the game, especially if you could choose against it if you so wished, or chose to do so exclusively.
That train of thought led rapidly to what Sollux and I had planned for the next day. I wondered how it would go. One of my biggest fears was that something would go wrong. It wasn't really as though I had anything to be embarrassed about, considering — as far as I knew — it was the first time for both of us, but I still couldn't shake my misgivings. What if I did something wrong and hurt him? Or what if he decided he didn't want to after all but didn't say anything? I sat up and moved so I was sitting straight up. What if I can't figure out what to do? I thought, biting my lip. What if I flip out and make an ass out of myself? What if he, o-or, what if I — or what if we—
"Sollux. Sollux," I said quickly.
"What?" He sounded mildly annoyed.
"Sollux," I repeated louder, quicker, reaching out blindly and trying to grab his arm, trying to find his attention.
"What, KK, what?" he asked, pausing the game and looking at me.
"I thought—" I started, closing my eyes to concentrate on what I was saying. "—I-I-I-I thought you said, you said that, that, that planning it was supposed to, it's supposed to, to, to take away some of the, some o-of the, uh, p-pressure, not, not, not add to it, Sollux, Sollux—" I forgot how to breathe, I couldn't figure out what the words coming out of my mouth meant before I said them, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't—
"I can't breathe," I panted, finally having found his arm and digging my fingers into his bicep. "I can't breathe, Sollux, Sollux, I-I-I can't breathe, I can't, I can't, Sollux—"
His hand found mine instantaneously. "KK, calm down—"
I swallowed quickly, trying to gulp down air and hyperventilating between swallows of nothing. "Sollux, I can't, can't, can't breathe, can't breathe, I can't, I can't—" Swallow. "—can't breathe—"
"KK! Karkat! Calm down! C-Come on, KK, th'low down, okay? Juth't... r-relakth', okay? T-Take a deep breath, th'top and focuth', juth't, breathe, okay? Th'low down. Take a deep breath. Calm down. Take a deep breath, KK. Juth't, relakth'."
I closed my eyes tighter, concentrating on following his directions, concentrating on taking a breath. "Sollux," I choked out.
"I'm right here, KK. Th'low down, I'm right here."
"Sollux—"
"You're okay. I'm right here. You're okay."
"I'm okay," I wheezed. "I'm okay. You're right here. I'm okay." I repeated those two words for a few minutes, interspersed with the occasional confirmation of his location, until my breathing returned to normal. "I'm okay. I'm okay. What the fuck just happened?"
"Uh... I wanna th'ay that wath'... th'ome kind of panic attack? Or, like, uh, a-an anxiety atta— a-are they the th'ame thing?" Shaking his head, he stated more certainly, "One of thoth'e."
"Alright," I affirmed, furious with myself. "That makes sense."
He studied the couch with a set brow for a moment before looking up at me. "Are you actually thith' worked up about tomorrow?"
Similar to his action before, I dismissed his words with a shake of the head, looking away as I answered him. "Don't worry about it."
His hand found my cheek and lightly guided me back towards him, back to those worry-filled dual-colored eyes. "I worry."
"I know. Seriously, it's not a big deal. I'm just overthinking it."
"Overthinking what, ekth'actly?"
"Sollux—"
"KK," he sneered. A tiny, wry smirk hit my lips at the familiarity of the tone.
"Just shit. Really, it's nothing."
"You ekth'pect me to believe that after you had a panic attack right nekth't to me," he stated dubiously.
"No, but I figured it was worth a shot. I'm just... afraid I'll fuck up, I guess."
He immediately smirked at me. "Well, you'll fuck th'omething, though I doubt you'll fuck up."
I tried to give him a disapproving stare that inevitably ended in a snort of laughter. "You're an idiot."
"We've been over thith', KK, I'm your idiot."
"God, I hate you," I scoffed, looking away in an attempt to hide my grin.
He used my lapse in attention to clammer onto my lap, nipping quickly at my neck, my jaw, my earlobe, murmuring as he did, "Hmm, no, you don't."
I gasped at the surprise of his teeth against my skin. "I think I do," I grunted through teeth gritted against louder gasps.
"I think," he began as he slipped a hand beneath my chin, aligning our lips and pressing them together, "you don't."
"Maybe—" I'd been about to agree willingly when he let his other hand drop to palm me through my sweats. "Maybe you're right!" I said quickly, letting out another gasp. His smirk met my frown again and with one last instant of pressure from his hand, he returned to his seat from before, snatching up his controller and continuing to play as though nothing had happened. "You...," I breathed, "are the biggest cock-tease."
A split-second grin broke out over his features as he told me, "I won't be tomorrow."
So this was about to be really short (like only twenty-five hundred words) and then I realized the next chapter would have been even shorter than this one so I figured I'd just kind of drop it in the bottom here and it fits. This chapter has been one hell of a conglomeration of various events. I like it. That said, I will openly admit that I got super light headed and gave myself one hell of a headache acting out Karkat's anxiety attack for the added realism attribute. I'm quite proud of that.
Don't forget to review, friends!