A/N: This has taken so long because I'm literal trash and got really distracted by the soccer cop fic I'm writing over on tumblr so sorry for that. I am still working on this I promise. Just slowly.

Also this has in no way been proof-read and may not in fact actually be readable so there's that. But anyway, enjoy.

Worry About The Past, Fear For The Future

They couldn't take her to the hospital.

She wouldn't have wanted to go, her weak protestations still echoing in Sarah's ears hours later. As much as she'd wanted to, just to make sure she would be okay, or alive at least, it was in no way the smart thing to do. They couldn't risk exposing themselves like that. She'd been barely conscious by the time they found her. God knows how many of those pills she'd taken, and Sarah knows that it was a miracle that she'd survived. If they'd got there any later, well.

She should never left her alone. Should have known that it was a possibility. That was how they'd met after all. It shouldn't have come as a surprise that she'd try again but the thought hadn't crossed her mind, too wrapped up in how she was going to explain everything to Felix to give Beth a second thought. But still as she sat by Beth's bedside because no one questions if you're family when you've got the same face, she couldn't help but beat herself up about it. Like she could have stopped her sooner, stopped her altogether if she'd paid more attention to her and less to Felix.

She squeezed her eyes shut as incoherent memories wash over her. She didn't need to know, didn't want, didn't need to remember how she got from Beth's living room to Felix's loft. Beth was asleep. She'd woken up, albeit briefly; but she'd woken up and Sarah couldn't help but be thankful for that. They could get her checked over by a doctor later but it had been too easy to believe that she actually had died when she hadn't seen her move.

She could process later, right now she needed to keep it together. A breakdown wasn't going to help any of them. They needed someone there, being Beth, living her life, making sure that anything official keeps off of their backs. For the time being, her being Beth was more useful to them. There was so much that she could do that Sarah couldn't to make sure that everything stays buried.

But still, she wouldn't have to do it forever. Couldn't do it forever. Beth would get better, physically at least. Eventually she would.

'You okay?' Felix's asked, his voice cutting through the near silence of the room.

'Yeah.' She answered, turning her face to him as she spoke. 'Yeah, I'm fine. It's just…' She shook her head as she lowered her eyes to the bed once again, unable to verbalise the ache in her chest. Beth wasn't her but still she was and it hurt to think about. That could be her. In another life, if everything had been different, she could have been the one lying in that bed.

Felix didn't push for her to continue.

She checked the time as pushed herself up from her position next to Beth, it was time for her to go. She paused, next to Felix on her way out, hand resting on his shoulder as she spoke, 'Look after her, yeah?'

"Yeah." He replied with a slight nod and Sarah relaxed at the reassurance, even if it did go without saying.

She hadn't been in the station ten minutes before she was being dragged out by Beth's partner, a gun shoved unceremoniously into her hands. Shit. She'd never fired a gun in her life. How was she supposed to do this?

She stumbled into the bathroom gun and holster in hand as she tried to figure out how to put them on. Why did she think that this was a good idea again?

Having finally figured out how the holster worked she made her way out of the room. 'You done messing around?' Art asked. She nodded despite the deep feeling of dread building deep in her stomach. Everything would be okay. It was just until Beth was okay. She could do it.

'Let's go.'

Art tried to maintain some sort of conversation on the way to wherever it was that they were going, filling her in on the particulars of whatever they were doing, not that she could understand any of the code he was speaking in.

The feeling of dread once again rose in the pit of her stomach as she saw where they had pulled in. The same place that she and Beth, but mainly her had buried a body. This was bad. This was beyond bad. Shit.

She tried to hang back, dragging her feet as Art strode towards the crime scene. She hears the 'body' and 'gravel crusher' and knows that she is so out of her depth. This was just perfect.

'What's that sound like to you?' Art asked as he turned back to face her.

'Sounds like some idiot didn't realize they were burying a body next to an active quarry.' She replied with a wry smile, even as the panic rose in her chest. How the fuck did she not realize that it was an active quarry. This was just what they needed, more to worry about and shit, would the prints flag a match?

'I just have to make a quick call.' She said as he excused herself from the others for a moment, trying to keep calm. She couldn't afford to lose it, couldn't let on to Art, to the others that anything was wrong; it wouldn't do her any good anyway.

'Cosima, I need to know if the prints will match.' She blurted out as soon as the other woman picked up. 'They found the body and I need to know if the prints will match.'

'Whoa. Sarah, slow down. What?'

'Katja. The German. They've found her body and I need to know if the prints will be a bloody match.'

'Wait are you being Beth? Why are you being Beth?'

'Yes I'm being Beth! I'm at the bloody crime scene pretending to be a cop and I need to know if the bloody prints will pull a bloody match.'

'The prints should be close enough, yes.' She paused. 'I mean wear and tear, environmental factors can cause slight deviation but yes. Say if one of us had a criminal record…'

Shit.

'Do you have a criminal record?'

Shit.

'Just, you know, petty theft, fraud. Assault.' You know, little things. Just a small one. She'd never thought that it'd come back to bite her in the ass like that. Crap.

'Okay, well, don't panic they can't process that straight away. You've got time.'

This sort of thing was the reason that she was filling in as Beth, the only reason that she'd even considered it in the first place. She had time. She just had to keep telling herself that she had time to bury this. But not panicking was easier said than done. Deep breaths.

'Cosima, I have no idea how to be a cop.' another panicked phone call only one day into her as Beth. 'Art wants me on the range tomorrow and I've never even fired a gun.'

'No, but you know someone who can help with that'

'Beth can't help right now, Cosima.'

"Oh yeah? Why not."

'She just can't. Okay?' Sarah exhaled. She couldn't let the others know what had happened. Not right now, maybe not ever.

'Luckily for you it wasn't Beth who I was referring to, Sarah.'

'The soccer mom? Seriously?'

'Do you know anyone else who can help you?'

Sarah inhaled deeply, not wanting to admit that she's her only hope, but after the way things went at her house, Sarah can't see Alison being too thrilled at the prospect of helping her. Whether she was doing it to help them or not.

'Look, Sarah. You don't have any other choice. We need you okay. As much as Alison may want to deny it, we really do. So she'll help okay.'

'Okay.'

Meeting a virtual stranger in the middle of nowhere was not how she'd seen her day going but she hadn't anticipated the night at the hospital either and if she took a moment to think about it predictable went out the window the minute she saw Beth on that platform along with normal and safe, apparently.

She doesn't know what Cosima said to get Alison to meet her but there she was, waiting for her.

'You're late' Alison said as she climbed from the car.

'Yeah. Sorry. Stuff came up, you know?'

"Stuff came up." Alison huffed, not impressed with her assertion but that's all Sarah was going to say. She didn't think Beth would appreciate her telling everyone her personal business. She knows she wouldn't. "I don't see why Beth couldn't do this anyway."

"Beth's indisposed." No point moaning about this now. "So let's get over and done with, yeah."

'Well that we can agree on.'

They fell silent as Alison moved to set up the targets and get their equipment together. Handing Sarah the ear protectors as she readied Beth's gun.

'Beth taught me how to shoot.' Alison said after a few minutes of silence. 'So that I could protect myself and my family, and I am grateful for that. I fail to see how you can help us.'

Ouch. Sarah waited for her to continue, to give some indication that she was okay, or that she would help her to at least try to reassure her that she wouldn't be as awful at it as she feared. She didn't know why she'd thought that. Alison didn't know her and obviously didn't like her and she was okay with that. She didn't like her either but a little confidence in her ability not to fuck this up for all of them would have been nice as once again the thought of having to try and fill Beth's shoes filled her with dread.

'Are we doing this or not?'

Right. Shooting. Right.

For Beth. For them. For all of them. She had to do this to keep them safe. She had to. And as she stepped forward and took aim for the first time, she couldn't help but wonder when she started to care.

Sarah was in two minds as to whether to go back to the loft to check on Beth before she once again set off for the station. She had time before she was supposed to meet Art to go to the range but she wasn't sure whether it was a good idea.

She sat hunched over the steering wheel of Beth's car as she tried to make a decision, eventually the clock making it for her, she could worry about Beth later. Felix was looking after her, she'd be oaky while she tried to keep on top of the mess that their lives had become. It was time to face the music, once again.

Well here goes nothing.