Chapter Eight: Cavities and a Curious Story
Kiiro was almost sick to her stomach, most days the Hosts were cheesy and cliche but, as Valentine's Day drew near, being in Music Room Three became almost unbearable. Every Host was in overdrive, overdosing their guests on their too-sweet phrases and their surgary smiles. Especially Hani-senpai, who was upping his cutesy act, making puppy dog eyes at all the girls and smiling sweetly to everything they said.
'No doubt he's trying to ensure he gets all the chocolate he wants this year.' Kiiro assumed, as this was what Valentine's Day was all about in Japan, girls bought or made chocolates to give to the boys they liked. So, of course, the Host Club was taking advantage of the holiday.
"Valentine's Day is a time when Hani-senpai's chocolate love barometer reaches the ultimate high!" Kiiro overheard Tamaki saying, "And, above all else, to a man, receiving chocolates on such a day is the utmost honor." he swooned, looking at his guests with his trademarked soft smile, hand to his heart.
The girls squealed.
'So, I was right...' Kiiro smirked where she sat by the windows, working on her 'secret project', listening to the overcharged hustle and bustle of the club.
"I am fully aware that it's nothing but a marketing ploy devised by candy industries all around the world!" Tamaki cooed on, "Nevertheless, a girl's heart, full of love, wants to take advantage of it!" he beamed. "Can you hear it?" he cupped a hand to his ear. "The voice of their mournful loves coming from their chocolates, filled with all their uncertainties and the tiniest spark of hope!"
This speech only served to give Kiiro a strange vision of creepy, talking chocolates, she stopped what she was doing, knitting her brow.
"That's what you call telepathy, right?" Haruhi chimed in, raising a brow.
"Just for your information," he grinned, making a peace-sign to his "daughter", "I like any chocolates! Even more so if they're homemade!"
'Nice try, King...'
Following the silence, he began to repeat, "Even more so if their home-"
"You don't have to say it twice on purpose..." Haruhi replied flatly.
"So, what I'm saying is...Haruhi's not going to be giving chocolate to her Daddy...?" he peeked at her, expression questioning her sadly.
"Ah!" she clapped her hands. "That's right! I gotta prepare-"
King perked up, joy written all over his face.
'Wait, she's really going to give him chocolate?'
"...some chocolates for my real Dad." she finished, oblivious to the tension in her senpai.
'Ah.'
Tamaki sulked in his corner.
"Hani-senpai? You're still eating cake?" Haruhi turned her attention to the senior, who was consuming more cake than usual. "You might end up with a cavity if you're not careful." she warned him.
He grinned, "It's okay~! I'm brushing my teeth diligently~!" he announced as he speared another whole slice of cake. As he popped the slice in his mouth, his eyes widened to twice their size in pain. He hid his face from Haruhi, as tears formed.
"Hani-senpai?"
"It's nothin'." he mumbled, holding one cheek.
"Wait! Open your mouth for a second!" the Twins sauntered over to him, trying to pry open his mouth.
"It's nothin'! It's nothin'!" he fought them off.
"Wait, Hani-senpai! Keep still!" Haruhi tried to convince him.
Kiiro joined, trying a softer approach, "Hani-senpai, sweetie, please open your mouth."
Hani looked up at her with twinkling eyes.
"Mori-senpai, hurry, it's Hani-senpai!" the Twins called as Mori arrived from Kendo Club.
Mori ran in wildly and pushed Hani back on the sofa he sat on. All the clients went crazy in response to the suggestive position they landed in. Without a second thought, or any convincing, Mori opened Hani's mouth. Sadly, he did have a cavity.
"Tamaki." was all Mori said.
"Ah, yes, I understand..." Tamaki held his chin. "Hani-senpai, you must be prohibited from sweets until your cavity is gone. Furthermore, the entire club will commence solidarity mode! And, we shall practice complete restraint during this year's Valentine's Day."
Along with the sound of all of the guests collective hearts breaking, Hani cried, "Say what?! N-no, Takashi! My cake! It doesn't hurt, really! It doesn't hurt at all!" he tried.
'Oh...' Kiiro had to admit to a soft spot to the boy, it was sad to see him like this. 'Poor Hani-senpai...'
"It's forbidden." Mori said darkly.
Prohibition Day #1
Kiiro had made sure that she hadn't brought anything that even resembled something sweet into the club room, but, of course, Kyouya had double checked her bag and her pockets despite her protests, "I just have to make sure." he smirked.
"No, you're just being nosy." she frowned at him as he went to open the front pocket to her school bag. "Oh no! You can't look there!" she snatched her bag from him.
"Why?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. "My being denied only proves to increase my curiosity, you know."
She stuck her tongue out at him, "It's a super top secret project that I've been working on for a while and it's far from finished, I'll have you know."
Kyouya was about to protest again, before the Twins swooped in behind her, "What kind of top secret project, Kiiro-senpai?"
"It's definitely none of your business..." she held her bag close to her chest.
"Well, Valentine's Day is getting closer." Hikaru looked to Kaoru.
"Yeah, I bet it's a love letter..." Kaoru looked to Hikaru.
"Hardly." Kiiro snubbed them.
"Who's it for? Who's it for?" they teased, sidling up to either side of her.
"It's none of your business!" she pushed them away. "And it's not a love letter!" she blushed at their teasing.
"Yeah, right, Kiiro-senpai." they grinned. "Whatever you say..." they waved her off as they walked away, losing interest.
"Kiiro?" Kyouya still stood before her.
Kiiro turned to her friend, "Y-Yeah?"
"Who is your love letter for?" he smiled.
"Ah! It's not a love letter!" she defended herself.
The prohibition had gotten to the guests, they were all down about how they couldn't bring in chocolates to their Hosts. So, there was extra comforting in the schedule today.
"Tamaki-sama, I'm so saddened." one girl sniffed, dabbing her eyes with her handkerchief. "I wanted to give you specialty chocolates from our patisserie as my gift to you..." she explained with a heavy heart.
"Don't be so sad, my princess..." he touched his forehead to hers, taking her hands in his. "This is enough for me." was his suave reply. "No matter what kind of special chocolates they may be, they would melt instantly, without even a trace, in the heat of our love... After all," he sat up straight, throwing one hand out, "we don't need anything like a physical symbol to provide evidence of our love for each other!"
"Tamaki-sama!" his clients swooned.
"Ok, I think we worried about nothing here..." the Twins stated with a shrug and a grin. "You deserve to be president, indeed. Great transparent act." they high-fived.
Tamaki pointed at them angrily, "Nonsense! In the face of any and all adversity, our priority should be the clients' happiness!" he scolded them. "To make the lady give gifts disqualifies you as a gentleman in the first place! Along with my home country of France, in Europe it is customary for the gentleman to present a bouquet of flowers to the women!" he informed them.
"The better he feels, the more sidetracked his speech gets!" the Twins clapped.
"Perhaps he's just trying to justify his inability to receive chocolates from Haruhi." Kyouya said nonchalantly.
Tamaki sulked in his corner, 'Nail on the head.'
"Where's Haruhi?"
"She said she was gonna stop by the library on the way here."
"Again? Oh well. Anyways..."
"You two shouldn't let your guard down either." Kyouya warned the boys. ""Use all means necessary to prevent Hani-senpai from receiving any sweets." By the way, that's Mori-senpai's instructions." Kyouya grinned, seeming to be quite carefree.
"He looks like he's enjoying himself."
"He's happy because the cost of Hani-senpai's snacks is fixed. No doubt about it."
Prohibition Day #2
Strategy #1
"Takashi~!" Hani ran into the club room happily. "I think my cavity's all better now~!" he announced. "And not even swollen anymore~! That's why...just one~?"
"Mitsukuni." Mori eyed him with suspicion.
Kiiro watched as Mori shoved a popsicle into Hani's mouth. Hani's cheek swelled and he had tears in his eyes.
"It'll be a while until it doesn't hurt anymore..." Mori told him.
"I think he's starting to get desperate..." Kiiro hid behind her 'secret project'.
"I just hope he's able to last without sweets until his cavity gets fixed." Haruhi told her.
Strategy #2
"What are you drinking~?" Hani asked his guests, sweetly.
"It's darjeeling, Hani." one girl answered.
"What are you eating~?"
"We're having some sandwiches."
"Ho-hum~." he smiled. "I think some sweet cookies would go really well together with black tea~. Won't you have any of those~?"
The clients went silent.
"I'm sorry! Please excuse us!" the girls ran off, unable to resist his cuteness while still not wanting to break the prohibition.
Strategy #3a
"Haru-chan, am I such a bad boy?" Hani slumped in front of the girl.
"Hani-senpai?"
"Did I do anything to make God angry at me?" he continued, tears streaming down his face.
Unable to take seeing his depression continue, Haruhi rummaged in her pocket, "Ok, but only a little."
Everyone in the club stiffened, bar Hani, who perked up.
"Here." she produced a small box of...seaweed? "It sort of looks like chocolate."
Hani wilted once more, having asked the wrong person.
Strategy #3b
"Hello, Kir-chan..." Hani collapsed in the chair beside hers.
Kiiro steeled herself, "H-hi, Hani-senpai!" she grinned.
He proceeded to wipe the tears that quickly formed in his eyes.
Her heart sunk, "Oh, please don't cry!" she jolted upright.
"What...did I do...to deserve this...?" he asked solemnly.
"U-uh..."
"Don't give in." a whisper pressed against her ear. Two hands wrapped around her own.
"Kyouya, you already checked me for sweets. You know I have none." Kiiro turned her face to his neck. "Now, get off." she turned back to Hani, "Sorry, Hani-senpai, I don't have anything to give you."
Hani sighed and walked away to sulk.
"C'mon, Kyouya." she fidgeted and he removed his hands.
"Is that the attitude you ought to show to someone who just tried to come to your rescue?" he shrugged.
She stuck her tongue out at him.
"If you do that again, I'll cut it out." he smiled. "Unless you're willing to put it to better use."
She quickly retreated her tongue, "Get your mind out of the gutter!" she hissed as her face turned nearly purple.
"Hn."
Prohibition Day #3
Hani held an annoyed glare, and he was staring at all the other club members as they huddled around one table.
"Someone try talking to him... he's scary!"
"I never thought I would live to witness the "dark mode" with my own eyes! Someone call Renge! Maybe she'll be happy!"
"The snack cupboard!" Tamaki fretted as Hani opened the doors to an adjoining room.
"Don't worry, it's totally empty..."
Hani rummaged through all of the drawers and cabinets before finding and flinging Tamaki's teddy bear.
"Kuma!" Tamaki wailed.
Hani fell forward, collapsing on the polished marble floor.
"He's passed out!"
"Surrendering in three day...he lasted longer than I expected..."
"Ha-Hani-senpai?!" King leapt up and ran over to check on the boy. But when he got close enough, Hani bit down on his extended arm.
"OOOOOWWWWW!" Tamaki flung his arm up, with Hani still attached.
"Mitsukuni." Mori stopped him. "Don't take your anger out on innocent people or objects. It's unbecoming..."
Hani detached himself from Tamaki's arm, he tensed up, balling his fists, "Takashi, you dummy!" he yelled as he flipped Mori over, smacking him onto the floor. "What's so wrong with eating a little bit?! You worry wart! Butthead! Baldie!"
"Baldie..?"
"I don't wanna... I don't wanna see your face ever again!" Hani cried as he fled the room at full speed, covering his eyes and wiping away his tears with his shirt sleeve.
"Hani-senpai!" Tamaki followed the senior.
"Mori-senpai, are you alright?" Kaoru asked.
Mori stood, and staggered until he fell back onto the floor.
"U-um...?" Kiiro was unsure of what to do in such a situation.
"Mori-senpai seems to be in deep shock... Perhaps he couldn't help himself..."
"If he was going to get shocked so badly, he shouldn't have done anything to earn that hatred." the Twins concluded.
"On purpose?" Haruhi prompted. "By any chance, is Mori-senpai trying to make Hani-senpai hate him on purpose?"
"Hm?" Kiiro turned to her.
"That's not possible." the Twins told her in unison. "To be hated by Hani-senpai would be like the end of the world for Mori-senpai..."
"Exactly." Haruhi agreed. "Say, for instance, Mori-senpai thinks it's his fault that Hani-senpai has a cavity?"
"It is my fault." Mori interrupted from the floor, "Mitsukuni's cavity is because of my carelessness. I forgot to remind him to brush his teeth twice before his nap."
Despite the serious tone of his voice, the present members of the club were having a tough time of taking him seriously, "Th-that's not really your responsibility."
Mori put a hand to his forehead, ignoring them, "If, by any chance, he needs to get dentures..."
"He's surprisingly pessimistic." the club collectively fell flat.
"If Mitsukuni hadn't at least thrown me on the ground..." he continued,despondent and hiding his face. "I wouldn't have felt even the least bit better..."
"Then, when you refused that girl's confession, you really did that to punish yourself?" Haruhi tilted her head.
The club looked to her, confused, when, "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!" Hani ran in crying. "I'm so sorry, Takashi!" he collapsed beside Mori, hugging him tightly. "I'll never forget to brush my teeth ever again!"
Mori's empty expression changed to one of surprise, then he smiled as he hugged his cousin back.
"So, you figured it out, too?"
"Yes!" Tamaki walked back into the room. "Then everyone, please prepare for tomorrow's Valentine's Day!" he held out his hand, looking determined.
"What are you talking about?" the Twins criticized him. "Who's going to give us chocolate this late?"
"Didn't I tell you that I'm a French gentleman?" his smile glinted. "If so, then certainly! Kiiro?" he pointed to her.
"Yes, Tamaki?"
"Are we going to be able to get some last minute decorations?"
"Of course, King." she smirked.
"This year's Host Club-style Valentine's Day..."
Upon entering the Third Music Room on Valentine's Day, each girl was greeted by the sight of their favorite boys holding large bouquets of beautiful red roses, handing them out with a smile.
"To our clients, our love. Receive a blindingly brilliant smile as a reply, and, even though the love cannot be reciprocated, at least...a single rose."
Kiiro smiled, "The European style, huh?" she sealed the envelope containing her "secret project". "Not a bad idea..."
"Kiiro?"
She looked over the back of her chair, to where Kyouya stood, "Ne?"
"So, who's that love letter for?" he smirked, teasing.
"No one of consequence." she stuck up her nose. "And it's not a love letter!"
"Of course..." he shrugged. "Anyway...here." he held out a rose.
"W-what?"
"I had an extra." he said simply, handing it to her. "And I didn't feel like carrying it around..."
She stuck her tongue out at him, but accepted the rose, "Well, thank you then, Kyouya."
"Remember what I said about your tongue." he warned her, tapping her forehead.
She flushed, quickly turning around.
...
"Kyouya-sama," one of his maids alerted him. "You've received something in the mail."
He took the pink package from the maid's hands, "Thank you."
She bowed and left his room.
He unwrapped it, "Probably another client's valentine..."
Underneath the paper, he held an oil-painted heart, decorated at the edges with a delicate lace, in elegant calligraphy it read, "Happy Valentine's Day, Shadow King. Yours truly..." he smiled, knowingly exactly who it was from even when her name was unwritten. "Not a love letter, hn?"
The very next day, Hani's cavity had been fixed and he received a pile of confectioneries approximately five times his size, and he had eaten all of it in approximately half the time it took a normal person to eat a single slice of cake.
"What's this? The main story is over already?" Kyouya raised an eyebrow to Tamaki. "And by any chance am I getting the caterpillar role?"
"There were lots of requests and stuff..."
"Alice in Wonderland has a lot of characters and the author won't get in too much trouble either..." the Twins grinned.
"You naive and unenlightened peons..." Tamaki said arrogantly. "Alice in Wonderland, huh? Then undoubtedly the main character would be...!"
'Haruhi in a frilly, lacy, aproned dress?' everyone thought, not daring to say it out loud.
"Then, we'll get started right away!" he announced happily. "Once upon a time, far, far away...there lived the cutest twin girls in the world named Alice!"
'Wait, that's not right.'
Tamaki pounced on the Hitachiin brothers, who were now wearing the frilly, lacy,aproned dresses that the club had imagined on someone else, "Why the hell are you bastards Alice?! Your Daddy almost died over there!" he growled.
"But Kyouya-senpai said that we were the ones who were most appropriate character wise..." they stuck their tongues out at him, "And we're cute."
Tamaki flew into a rage, "You're not cute! Who would want to see such a crappy Alice?! The Alice I'm thinking of is loads cuter and kinder! Like an angel with a spotless heart and pure, innocent eyes! That doesn't even remotely resemble you two bastards!" he flailed.
"Well, we don't care either way, but..." they said in unison. "If we make Haruhi Alice then..."
""I'm in trouble, I'm in trouble~!" A little, honey-haired boy with bunny ears and a waistcoat ran through the field. "I'm late~! I'm late~! I'm late~! The time's already...~" he checked his pocket watch. "I'm gonna get scolded by the queen~!"
A girl with short, brown hair watched the rabbit go into it's hole and then turned back to the book in her hand, "Now, where was I...?"
Since Alice was a girl with absolutely no curiosity, she definitely wouldn't do anything so careless like chasing after a rabbit with a waistcoat.
The End.""
"...It'll end like this." the Twins, still in Alice attire, finished.
"W-well, what about this one...?" Tamaki stammered, offering a substitute Alice.
""I'm late~!" the honey-haired, white rabbit checked his pocket watch and jumped down his hole.
This Alice, with long curly hair and glasses looked down the hole in which the rabbit had disappeared, she straightened up with a startled expression, "Y-you're kidding, right? There's no way I'm jumping down there!" she announced, retreating to a safe distance.
Since this Alice was a girl with little courage, she definitely wouldn't do something as risky as jumping down some dark hole.
The End.""
The Twins looked to their club president, point proven yet again.
"F-fine..." Tamaki hung his head, defeated.
""So, that's why we will progress the story, for now, with Alice = Hitachiin Brothers."
"You humanoid rabbit, halt!" Alice yelled as they hopped down the rabbit hole without a second thought.
"There is not a treasure more precious and priceless than a talking rabbit, right, Alice B?"
"This would be the perfect way to kill some time, right, Alice A?"
They fell all the way down to a small, mysterious room.
"But, the problem is..."
"...how the hell are we going to get past this tiny door?"
The rabbit suddenly shrank down to about a foot or so tall, running through the mini-door.
The Alices grinned, "That's our Hani-senpai! Elasticity on demand!"
"This is when you need this drink..." a boy in a dark cloak, who appeared from nowhere, propositioned. He held a bottle marked, "The Getsmaller" ...though it wasn't marked "Poison" so...
"Who're you?" the Twins asked, unphased.
"I'm the Mysterious Merchant." he grinned in his shadows.
"Is there even a character like that in Alice in Wonderland?"
"When you drink this your body will instantly shrink..." he explained. "And when you eat the companion cake, "Le Getbigger", your body will grow to an incredible size~." the merchant went on in his spooky voice. "An enchanted world lies beyond that door... If you travel through without these items, you will definitely regret it~..."
They gulped, "Then we'll just grit our teeth and..." the Alices started. "Let Alice C taste it."
A taller, blond Alice appeared, "Why me?! You guys, only calling me when you're in trouble!"
"So what? It's service, service." Alice A explained with a smirk.
"We received requests for the president to dress like a girl, too." Alice B continued.
"Really, we got requests?" Alice C marveled.
"Then I shall reward the brave lady with a special bonus gift..." the merchant continued. "Large Beelzeneff, medium Beelzeneff of small Beelzeneff? Which do you prefer?"
"Then, the small one..." Alice C said smally, pocketing the little cat puppet the cloaked man produced.
"Dude, this story is getting weirder and weirder..."
"Then..." Alice C held the bottle of "The Getsmaller" to his lips and drank. Alice C was suddenly small enough to fit through the door.
"Mini-Tono complete!" Alices A and B pushed Alice C through the door. "Have a safe trip!" they waved their handkerchiefs at him.
"By myself?" he turned to them.
"Yeah, because, you know, we're busy and we're tired of this dress, too. Bye~!"
This is how Alice C's adventures started.
Alice C stood before a dark and spooky forest, "Somehow, this is totally different from how I imagined it..."
"Look at this! How can such a shabby looking flower exist?"
Alice C looked for who the voice must have come from, finding only three flower ladies in front of him, "With her zero attractiveness she will be ignored in any flower garden!" the daisy said. "Right, Rose? Silver Bell?"
"Daisy, that's a little too much, she'll look even more pathetic if you say it so bluntly." the silver bell said.
"This is the Lobelia flower garden..." the rose said. "A garden of allure where only the most fragrant of girls will be permitted to enter."
Another, teeny flower asked, "Dear shabby flower, what breed are you?"
"I-I'm not a flower!" Alice C answered. "My name is Alice! I'm a man!"
"A man?" the flowers looked repulsed. "Why, you shameless pervert! You dressed up in girls clothes and dared defile us with your presence in this girls' flower garden? He's a lowlife! A lowlife!" they screamed.
"No!" Tama-I mean-Alice C pleaded as they wrapped him up in thorny vines. "Wait! Calm down! What're you talking about, garden of allure? No matter how much you look at it, it's a cursed forest!"
The flowers stopped yelling and unwrapped Alice C, "That's not too far from the truth, hearing such a thing. Yes... This forest is indeed cursed..." they sniffled.
"Until recently, this forest was under the prosperous rule of The Red Queen...and everyone lived peacefully." the silver bell wilted a bit.
"But, when the Queen collapsed from an illness and The Black Queen ascended to the throne, things drastically changed. "The Black Queen is horribly capricious. If she gets even slightly upset, someone would be executed on the spot. Even when that person would be fortunate enough to escape execution, they would receive a curse..."
"As a result, the light was taken out of this forest due to the fact that it was incompatible with the Queens sense of aesthetics," the rose finished. The flowers held each other close, "Even though we hate the Queen... What can mere flowers like us do? We have no choice but to depend on each other's bodies, awaiting a savior..."
"Nee-san!"
"How... could she..." Alice C started. "I'll try and resolve it! Explain more in detail about The Black Queen!"
"The Black Queen looks like this..." A picture of a boyish-looking Queen with glasses and long, black hair appeared.
"Just remembered a previous engagement..." Alice C said, upon seeing the picture.
"Running away is against the rules!" the flowers shouted as they rolled Alice C up in thorny vines.
"Lemme go! It's dangerous! My primal instincts are telling me that that face is never to be disobeyed!"
"Argh! You're talking too much!"
Another Alice this one much more genuine, with short, dark hair and wide eyes abruptly took the place of Alice C, "Why am I here?"
"Oh my how cute!" the flowers fawned. "She looks like a butterfly just emerged from her cocoon! A girl like you shouldn't go near The Black Queen! Yes, yes! It's too dangerous! Let's all live together here in harmony!"
"Ack! Nevertheless, meeting the Queen is the first thing I must do!" Alice explained as the flowers hugged her. Alice said her goodbyes and left.
Truthfully, Alice had no interest in deposing the Queen or anything like that, but, with her straightforward personality, she believed she would always carry out what was said. The dispassionate Alice, in order to gather more information, decided to talk to someone called "Duchess of Gossip" or whatever. So she went to her house, which was littered with doujinshi and memorabilia from several dating games.
"Lordy! So, you'll topple The Black Queen for me?" the otaku Duchess exclaimed upon hearing this Alice's story.
"Well, not really topple or anything, I just want to talk to her first..."
"I know it's the natural order of the world that a brave warrior should appear to a maiden in distress..." the Duchess cried.
"Distress?"
The butler explained, "The Duchess had, in fact, received the sentence of execution from The Black Queen."
Alice went wide eyed.
"I don't even know what I did wrong... I... just... thought that the relationship between The Queen and Mr. Tachibana was a little suspicious... So I was only slightly spreading some rumors around..."
"Isn't that called 'reaping what you sowed'?" Alice asked dispassionately.
"But, the way they looked at each other was so deep and meaningful... I saw them before, putting a hand on the shoulder like this..." she held her face in her hands, a blush spreading across her cheeks.
The Duchess's information were all just empty rumors.
"What am I going to do with this lovely baby if something happens to me...?" she produced a baby swaddled in cloth.
"You have a baby? Can I try holding it?" Alice asked. The Duchess handed her the very straight faced baby. "Is it a boy or a girl?"
"It's called, "Moriko". It's a very mature baby, so it never cried even once since the day it was born..."
"Ah, so it's a girl."
"Is the Duchess in here?" Two knights stormed into her manor. "On the order of The Black Queen, you are hereby under arrest!"
"Dear brave warrior, I must go to the castle now! You will need comrades to rescue a captured maiden! I mean each one needs to be assigned a role! You must not forget an intellectual monk, a wizard, and of course, a swordsman! And finally, the most important thing you must remember is the visuals! Make sure to gather only the visually appealing people and...!" The Duchess explained as she was taken away. "... you must come and save me!"
"Duchess...! She just babbled on by herself and left?" Alice looked down at the baby. "You wanna come with me to the castle? To meet your mother?"
The baby nodded.
And this is how Alice began her journey to the castle.
"Look over there, Cheshire B, those two."
"A girl and a baby hoping to depose the Queen?"
"They either don't value their lives or their simple idiots. Don't you think so, Cheshire A?" The two Cheshire Cats, which looked suspiciously like Alice A and B, watched.
"Who are you?" Alice asked.
"We are the famous Cheshire Cat Doppelgangers!" they announced in unison. "We were originally one cat, but, we were divided into two exquisite being by the Queen's curse! We only played a light joke on her, dunking her pet Elephant-turtle into her favorite dish, mock turtle soup... We really don't like adults without a sense of humor..."
"But, luckily, since we're not doing anything at the moment, we'll accompany you. If we beat the Queen, what're you going to give us as a reward?"
"Gold coins? Gems? A new game?"
"Uhm... I don't have anything."
"You dumb cats, don't make me laugh," an egotistical voice said. "To extort gifts from such a frail lady, you're failures as gentlemen." a boy appeared before them, he was dressed in a nice burgundy suit and had a large top hat on, and he looked a good deal similar to Alice C.
"The swindler Mad Hatter!"
"Swindler?"
"He was jailed because he was indiscriminately using mysterious cheats at the Queen's Cricket Match."
"Didn't you get executed already?"
"Something like breaking out of jail is a piece of cake for someone like me," The Hatter held up his index finger. "Living a life on the run like this isn't too bad but,... what do you think young lady?" he kissed Alice's hand. "If I can preserve your dignity and topple the Queen, will you promise to marry me?"
"That's even worse than extorting gifts..."
The cats and The Hatter all created a game where the one to topple the Queen would marry Haru- I mean- Alice.
The baby began to cry. Alice tried to console him, "That's right! I had some cookies in my pocket, will he eat them?"
The cookies however, were the "Le Getbigger"'s and made the baby grow to the size of a tall, teenage boy. The cats quickly clothed him. He still had the mind of a one-year-old and held on to Alice. She patted him on the head.
"Dude, this is turning out to be a competition for Alice."
"Even if you're only a baby on the inside, I can't forgive such sexually harassing behavior!" The Hatter said. "Alright then! This is a fight to the death with my manly pride on the line! The person who topples the Queen is the true warrior and...!"
'Wins the right to seize Alice for himself!'
So, I don't really know what happened here but, the battle has started.
-Meanwhile at the Castle-
"Bunch of stinking rats, useless scheming." The Black Queen observed.
"Should we send in the military?"
"No. It would only be a waste of time and troops." she took off her glasses. "I'll take care of them myself. Send The Page to invite them to The King's Chambers."
-Back with Alice-
As the cats and Hatter stood arguing, a girl in an Ace of Spades uniform wandered up, hauling a bucket of black paint.
"Excuse me, are you Alice?" she asked, pushing her glasses up.
"Um, yeah."
"I've been told to invite you to the palace, I'll lead you there."
So, The Page lead them to the castle, once there she stopped in the Garden and began painting the red roses black, "I'm sorry, this is as far as I can take you. I have to get back to painting."
"Why are you painting the roses?" Alice asked.
"Because the Queen likes black roses, I wasn't ordered to, but I thought she might appreciate it."
"Why would you do something nice for her?" the cats asked.
"I know she can be a bit harsh sometimes-."
"Sometimes?" The Hatter interrupted flatly.
"Okay, so, I know she can be harsh, but she's actually nice when it suits her..." The bespectacled Page stopped. "Ah! I've said too much! Hurry, hurry into the castle!"
The Black Queen sat in her throne next to the White Rabbit.
"Why is it I get the feeling that it was too easy to meet the Queen?"
"I thought we would have had to fight more. Anticlimactic."
"Is it because there are only a few pages left?" the group whispered.
"Stop yapping you worms." the Rabbit said evilly.
"That rabbit's the one from the very beginning."
"That bastard is a rabbit with a dual personality."
"Don't be so presumptuous, you stupid, ignorant peons," the Rabbit continued. "If the Queen didn't stop me, I would have cut your throats already. I absolutely loathe microbes like you."
"I think you all have misconceptions on things..." the Queen spoke. "Executions or all other punishments. You should understand that all actions taken were for the good of the kingdom."
"What the hell did you just say?" The Hatter yelled.
"First, regarding the curse on Lobelia Forest. That was simply used to reduce heating and lighting costs." The Queen continued. "That forest never had any natural sunlight. The only reason why there was ever any light in there was because there was an artificial sun installed using taxpayer money. Next, about the punishment for the Cheshire Cat. The Elephant-turtle he boiled alive was intended to be bred and used as a food source for the kingdom. And, The Duchess was using ungodly amounts of paper to print out unfounded rumors. And, as far as the Cricket Match that The Mad Hatter over there ruined, if it ended successfully, we would have had a chance to receive a large sum of aid loans from other countries."
"Then perhaps..."
"Yes, because of all the wasteful policies of the previous Red Queen, our kingdom currently is in a terrible deficit."
"W-what can I say... I'm sorry." Alice, for some reason, apologized. "Maybe The Page was right."
"That doesn't give you the right to execute anyone you feel like!" The Hatter shouted. "Didn't you learn in Kindergarten that's it's bad to kill other people?"
"First of all, I never attended Kindergarten. And whatever it was: heating and lighting costs, military expenses, I reduced the costs of everything possible. The only thing left is... No choice but to reduce "Human Beings". Are all the guests gathered?"
"Yes, your majesty."
"Don't you think it's not a bad idea to provide executions for entertainment?" The Queen asked as the group was surrounded by guards. "Your life would be used as a resource for your beloved country."
The area around the group flashed brightly.
"Mad Hatter?" Alice questioned.
"You know why they call my tricks mysterious?" he smiled. "Although everyone concluded that it was a trick, no one was able to figure out the principles behind it... because... there are no illusions or misdirection involved with this "trick"."
"What...?"
"Summon Gryphon!"
A giant gryphon appeared in the room, his talons extended as he reached for The Queen and The Rabbit. "Cockledoodledoo! Cockledoodledoo!" It crowed as it chased the two away with it's fire breath.
"Amazing magic! Real magic!"
"He's a wizard! A real wizard!" the cats alighted with amazement.
The Queen regained her composure. "You bastard..." she aimed her magic scepter.
Alice frantically searched for something that would help them. From her pocket she produced the small Beelzeneff and the last of the "Le Getbigger".
"This is... Go Beelzeneff!"
The cat-puppet grew to a size even larger than the Gryphon and fell over onto The Queen.
So, that is how The Black Queen and the castle disappeared without a trace. Some distant relative of the royal family named Mr. Nekozawa appeared and peace finally returned to the kingdom. And thus...
"Alice will marry me!" The Hatter yelled at the cats.
"Alice was the one who toppled The Black Queen! So we have rights to her, too!" the cats challenged.
"Uh. What are you guys talking about~?" The, now friendly, Rabbit asked. "Lemme in, too~!"
"Right, Alice! Who're you gonna choose as your...?"
When they turned the only person standing there was Alice D, who looked suspiciously like Moriko.
"Where did Alice go?!" they cried.
"Alice! Alice! Alice! Sleeping in a place like this...?"
Alice woke up in the same place where she had first seen The Rabbit. Her mother, who looked suspiciously like The Black Queen, smiled, "You want to go home? With your mom? Huh?"
"Yes, mom."
So Alice, awakened from her dream, goes back home with her mom. While Tamaki and the others become permanent members of the dream world. And all ends well."
"That was a nice story, Kir-chan~..." Hani yawned as he laid down for his nap.
"Thanks, Hani-senpai." Kiiro chuckled as she shut the book in her hand.
"What an odd request for a nap time story..." Kyouya mused.
"Alice in Wonderland meets Host Club." she grinned.
"Why was I the Black Queen?"
"I never said you were." Kiiro shrugged. "I just heavily implied it."