Team seven made their way into the examination room, in which they were assigned random numbers. The sheer randomness should have forced the seating arrangement to be different from canon, but since the author is lazy, the seating arrangement was identical to canon. Mayarghdelein got the exam sheet and immediately figured out the answers to the questions without needing any working or anything, because she's just that much of a Sue. She also immediately figured out the purpose of the tenth question. She then spent the next 44 minutes and 59.98 seconds (the 0.02 seconds were spent writing down the answers) waiting in perfect silence until the tenth question was announced.
When it was she still waited in silence, although she did get out a comb to remove the non-existant flaws in her perfect hair. After a while, she announced the true purpose of the test. Then she went to the area outside of training ground forty-four, the Forest of Death. There she spotted a snake-tongued person of sannin rank who was pretending to be a genin. As he hadn't looked at her yet, he hadn't fallen in love with her and been redeemed, but she knew it would happen soon, which is why she didn't reveal him to Anko.
The straw-haired, cerulean eyed, pinked lipped kunoichi lead her team into the forest. she spotted a team nearby whom she knew had a scroll of opposite type to hers, so she lead them there. she ambushed the team, even though she's a Purity Sue who never does anything wrong, as she wasn't doing wrong by ninga standards. Then they strolled through the forest until they encountered… dun dun duhn… a giant snake!
As the giant snake approached, the team thought they heard weird foreign language chanting. (Líbera me, Dómine, de morte ætérna, in die illa treménda.) then the snake appeared and devoured Naruto. (Quando cœli movéndi sunt et terra.) As the snake faced Man appeared, there was an earthquake and the sky burst (Dum véneris iudicáre sǽculum per ignem.) The trees burst into flame, and then Orochimaru caught sight of her. (Tremens factus sum ego, et tímeo, dum discússio vénerit, atque ventúra ira.)
"Impressive specimen, aren't you? You know, if you were a boy, you'd be more suited to my preferences than Sasuke. Or maybe I could use a gender-swap jutsu on you, and then perhaps implant Sasuke's sharingan! Possibilities, so many possibilities… I quiver in anticipation."
(Quando cœli movendi sunt et terra.) "What!? But that's not possible! You're supposed to fall for me at first sight! Don't bother telling me it's because you're evil and don't feel love. It works even better on evil people! You should be falling at your knees and renouncing your evil ways!"
(Dies illa, dies iræ, calamitátis et misériæ, dies magna et amára valde.) "This day isn't working out for you, is it? First that Rock Lee boy fails to fall for your charms, now I respond to my love for you in a creepy snake-paedophile way. Just one calamity after another during this day of wrath, isn't it?"
(Dum véneris iudicáre sǽculum per ignem.) Then Orochimaru waved his hand and the whole forest blazed into fire, while our protagonist picked up Sasuke and carried him to a tactical retreat. Along the way they re-encountered Naruto, who had a strange orange energy bubbling off of him, burning his skin and shirt, but not pants for some reason. (Réquiem ætérnam dona eis, Dómine: et lux perpétua lúceat eis.) then Magdelin raised her hands above her head, clapped, and shouted "Swiper No Swiping No Jutsu!"
For a moment all was peaceful, then a 'kekekeke' broke them out of their reprieve.
"Seriously, did you think that would work? I'm the Big Bad! I experimented on babies! I torture people alive! I sacrifice my own men so that I can tear the dead from their eternal rest! I cannot be saved. I cannot be killed. And I Cannot. Be Redeemed!" As Orochimaru said this, a thunderclap came. The author realised that he'd painted himself into a corner, so he sent in Pein because the only way to make a Deus ex Machina remotely salvageable is to make it literal.
"Orochimaru, we art willing to let thou back into Akatsuki if thy come now". Said he. Orochimaru seemed to consider this, then said "I'll be back" and shunshined away. Team seven all breathed out a sigh of relief, then the male members collapsed from exhaustion.
A/N: How the hell did this fic get Cerebus Syndrome? Also, the Latin used symbols that might not show up properly on FFNet, so I might have to edit it later.