Author's note: Writing this piece has been a strange experience so far. I love angst stories (as long as they have a happy ending), and I wanted to explore how Beckett would respond if the power-balance in their relationship was flipped. I think that most people feel she didn't treat Castle very considerately, once she knew the depth of his feelings for her.
Some reviewers are clearly harbouring some anger about that aspect of the show, and I can understand the reason for that. I do think she truly believed she wasn't ready, and I know that a lie can gradually become a trap. I have a lot of sympathy for both of them, and their positions.
The more I write this, though, and the more I put myself into her mind as she's suddenly abandoned by this man that she now knows she's in love with, the more I realise the sheer scale of the inequality in their relationship. It beggars belief how he allowed it to go on for so long, and a lot of that was his own fault too. It takes two people for that kind of systematic, long-term imbalance to exist. I really do think that she'd be shocked, again and again, as she had an abrupt awakening to his perspective on what their relationship had become. Ultimately, that's her motivation here: not the guilt itself, but the reality that she can now see.
He's not responding very sensibly either, of course, but I do think he's responding believably. Being a man-child has its downsides too, even though the show rarely deals with that. Beckett has a lot of work to do, and she's earned every bit of it.
I can't help but feel sorry for her, despite everything. She does love him, and that counts for a lot. She's also an exceptionally strong and attractive woman, and rightly or wrongly, that counts for a lot with me too. Like Castle, I'm a guy first, and a writer second. Seeing her so distraught isn't easy.
The coffee shop was still surprisingly busy, even though it was after the morning rush. Beckett glanced at her wristwatch, seeing that she still had another 25 minutes until Castle would be arriving at the precinct.
She was almost at the front of the queue now. She looked around, taking in the sights and sounds of the place.
He comes here every morning, she thought.
This was the coffee shop where he bought their morning coffee, bringing it with him to the precinct practically every day for the past few years. It wasn't the closest coffee shop by any means, but he insisted that they made the best vanilla lattes.
She had only been here a handful of times, and never without him. He always brought the coffee, and usually a bear claw for her breakfast too. She tried to total up the amount of time he must have spent standing in this very queue, but the numbers quickly became too high to think about.
She reached the counter and placed her order with a bright-eyed blonde barista whose name tag indicated that she was called Laura. The girl raised her eyebrows slightly at the order, then smiled.
"Something wrong?" Beckett asked, returning her smile, and the girl shook her head.
"Oh, no, not at all," she replied. "It's just weird. Your order… it's exactly the same as one of our regulars."
Beckett felt her heart rate increase. "Oh?" she said.
"Yeah, this really cute guy!" the girl replied, flushing slightly. "Tall. Brown hair, blue eyes. Always dresses really nice – he wears a lot of blue shirts. Great smile. He always places that same order, for years now, longer than I've worked here. I think he's on vacation right now. The girls here all look forward to seeing 'Mr. Beckett' in the morning."
Laura leaned across the counter, lowering her voice conspiratorially. "Actually, I'm pretty sure he's Richard freaking Castle. The writer?"
Beckett nodded, wide-eyed, unable to come up with a coherent response.
"I think he just likes to keep a low profile," Laura said. "I've read all his books. You should try them!"
"I'll… keep that in mind," Beckett replied at last, plastering what she hoped was a convincing smile across her face.
Oh god, she thought.
She clasped her hands tightly together to stop them shaking.
The girls all look forward to seeing 'Mr Beckett' in the morning. I'm pretty sure he's Richard freaking Castle.
It was a long-running joke between Ryan and Esposito. The coffees Castle brought to the precinct always had "BECKETT" written across them in black marker, and for the brief half hour or so before Castle had finished his, Esposito in particular would always address him as Mr. Beckett.
Castle took it with quiet good humour, and had never once let on that it was because the first time he'd brought her coffee, the cups instead said "CASTLE", and she'd raised an eyebrow and told him I don't want your name on my coffee, Castle.
The next morning, her cup bore her own name, and had done so ever since.
She'd had no idea that the staff at the coffee house assumed that it was the famous author's way of remaining anonymous. They no doubt addressed him by that name too, as a valued regular customer. And he doubtless bore it with the same good humour, so that her own name would always be on her cup.
Add that to the fact that he was obviously – and politely – fending off the attentions of the entire female portion of the coffee shop's workforce, every day, for years, just so he could bring her a decent latte.
She bit her bottom lip and willed herself to hold it together.
Thankfully Laura seemed to realise she was holding up the queue, and finally took Beckett's payment.
"And what's the name?" the girl asked cheerily.
"I… I guess… 'Castle'?" Beckett replied, feeling her cheeks colour, and she gave a weak smile as the barista laughed and nodded.
"A girl can dream, right?" Laura replied, and Beckett forced a small laugh in return, then moved quickly to the other end of the counter, keeping her face carefully blank.
Her trip to the coffee shop to bring their coffees for the first time was meant to be the first tiny step towards paying him back for all he'd done, and starting to show him what he meant to her. Instead, she felt like her debt was now deeper than ever.
How many other things like this don't I know about?
Her order was ready a few minutes later, and she gratefully took the two coffees – both with Castle printed on the side – and left.
Ten minutes later, she was in the elevator in the 12th, ascending towards the homicide department. It was still a few minutes before 10AM.
The doors opened and she took a steadying breath before stepping out. She was wearing a lilac blouse she'd seen him take notice of before, and she had spent some extra time on her hair that morning. She felt vaguely ridiculous about it, but she kept reminding herself what was at stake.
As she approached the bullpen, she saw that Ryan and Esposito weren't at their desks, then her own desk came into view and her step faltered for a moment.
Castle was sitting in his chair, facing away from her, fiddling with his phone.
It looked so heartbreakingly normal that she had to blink back sudden tears.
Get a hold of yourself, Kate.
She took another calming breath, then resumed her pace towards him.
"Hey," she said softly as she reached her desk.
She saw his jaw tense slightly, then he looked up at her, his expression completely neutral.
"Morning," he replied.
She felt her heart sink again at the lack of any warmth in his tone, after so many years where his face would light up every time he saw her, but she swallowed her disappointment and smiled at him, holding out one of the cups towards him.
He frowned slightly as he looked at it, then he blinked.
"Uh… thanks," he said cautiously, taking it from her. She saw that he was careful not to let their fingers touch. He lifted the cup towards his mouth, but then his hand froze in mid-air as he saw the word CASTLE printed in black marker along the side.
His eyebrow twitched, then she saw his eyes become unfocused for just a moment.
I don't want your name on my coffee, Castle, she thought, again feeling a stab of guilt.
His face became perfectly blank again as he lifted the coffee to his mouth and took a sip, before half-turning in his seat to set it down on the edge of her desk.
Beckett took a long swallow of her own piping hot coffee, glancing at him from under her eyelashes just in time to see his gaze fix for the barest moment on the side of her cup. A look of confusion passed over his face and then immediately vanished.
"So," he said, turning his attention to the murder board without getting out of his seat, "You said you had a case?"
Right down to business, she thought.
"Yeah, and it's a little weird."
She saw the corner of his mouth twitch, and the barest hint of that old sparkle appear in his eyes, and she held her breath for the quip she could see coming. Her heart thudded in her chest, and she physically needed him to make whatever joke he had in mind.
Say it! she thought. Please, whatever it is. Say the weird ones are your favourites! Say the weirder the better. Say we've already seen some pretty weird stuff. Say something, because I can't take seeing you like this.
He didn't speak. He seemed to deflate a moment later, the hint of mirth just sliding off his face to be replaced with tension.
A moment later, he nodded. "Well, let's see what you've got so far," he said, then he stood up and walked over to the board.
She felt like she'd been punched in the stomach. It turned out that the only thing worse than him not being there, was him being there but like this. The Castle she knew was so close, but completely unreachable. This was a different man, surrounded by walls much higher than the ones she'd used to keep him at arm's length in the past.
I'm not sure I can do this, she thought, feeling panic rising in her throat, then she reached for her coffee and took another mouthful, letting the liquid burn her throat as it went down.
He's worth it, she told herself. He's worth it, and this is day one. Show him, and don't stop showing him until he sees.
She glanced over towards the board and saw that he was carefully inspecting everything on it, absent-mindedly tapping one forefinger against his chin.
I'm going to get through to you, she thought, then she set her coffee down and walked over to stand beside him.
"Listen, thanks for coming in today," she said. "I really appreciate it."
"Mm," he replied, without looking away from the board.
"How's the writing going?"
"Fine," he said, shifting his weight to the other foot.
He's worth it, she thought.
"We missed you last week," she said quietly. "I missed you."
She sensed rather than saw him tense up beside her, and several extremely uncomfortable seconds of silence passed. She was just frantically trying to think of something else to say when they both heard Esposito's voice coming from the other end of the bullpen.
"Hey, if it isn't the man himself!"
They both turned to see Esposito and Ryan walking towards them, one carrying a case file and the other holding an evidence bag.
"Hey Castle," Ryan said, with a smile that clearly conveyed how happy he was to see the other man. "You here to work on this acid guy case?"
"I think so," Castle replied, offering the two men a tight smile. Beckett was both relieved and dismayed to see it. "Beckett was just about to bring me up to speed."
"Cool," Esposito said. "You do that, then we've got something to show you two."
Castle nodded, turning his attention back to the board with only a small glance in her direction. She sighed silently, and squared her shoulders.
"Here's what we know so far…"