Two Steps Back
Disclaimer: I'm not RIB, so I don't own Glee or any of the characters. If I did, I'd be rich and probably not writing fanfiction! This fic will dive into MPREG, so I'll be using my go-to MPREG explanation like I did in When We're Older aka the Reddin gene. The gene is based on the Reddin character from the 1994 movie Junior. You should really watch it if you like mpreg. It's a good movie, I promise (I also don't have any rights to it either!) I also don't really own anything mentioned in this except for the crazy storyline so... I OWN NOTHING. The title is inspired by a Paula Abdul song called Opposites Attract by the way.
Warning: Discussions of abortion and depression in this chapter!
"My sweet little Lily. My sweet little baby."
Kurt sang on, his voice whisper soft as he paced the dark hospital room and quietly admired the sleeping infant in his arms. Across the room, Blaine was curled up on his side, fast asleep, completely zonked from that day's events. Just hours ago, they'd welcomed their daughter into the world and within minutes of her birth, there was a blizzard of people rushing in and out of the room to take a glimpse at the newest member of both the Hummel and Berry families. For hours, Kurt watched his family coo and cry over their granddaughter (and in Finn's case, panic over holding his niece lest he drop her.) Blaine's family was just as excited, singing to the girl and fawning over Blaine when they noticed how exhausted he looked. And when the couple revealed what they named their little one, the blended family rejoiced over the meaning behind it (and the fact that it made Burt cry was something that Kurt would never forget.)
During their visit, the whole group tried to get Blaine to rest because he looked so wiped, but the boy persisted, claiming that he didn't want to sleep away this precious moment. So awake he stayed, even though he looked a wreck.
Now, just a few minutes to midnight with just a tiny bit of time left in their first Valentine's Day together, Kurt was up and bonding with the baby whilst Blaine slept. He wouldn't change a bit of it though. His Valentine's was perfect. His daughter was perfect. His boyfriend was perfect and nothing could wipe the smile from his face.
"Are you sleepy, Lilybug? Are you?" He carefully plopped his bottom down on the recliner chair and scooted himself back into it, making sure Lily was tucked tightly in his arms as he settled them both down. His daughter was blinking sleepily at him, eyes dark like the deep sea, her small lips smacking open and shut as she looked for something to nosh on. "Oh. You're hungry? Good thing I have your baba!" As he pressed the nipple of the bottle against Lily's mouth, his heart swelled a little more (as it had been doing all day) and he felt his chest puff up in pride over the fact that this little girl was all his.
In the silence, the baby ate, her soft noises music to Kurt's ears as he devoted all his attention to her and her alone. Never in his wildest dreams could he have imagined a life like this. When he first saw Blaine that fateful day almost a year ago and told himself that he needed to protect the new kid, he didn't foresee this kind of future. A few times he thought with his dick, thought about what it would be like to kiss Blaine, to work him open and hear the dark haired boy moaning his name. Then as he got to know his friend a little more and the incident happened and they found out Blaine was pregnant, he wondered what things were going to be like between them. Worst case scenario had them giving up the baby or Blaine aborting it, but then Blaine expressed his wishes to keep her and Kurt went along with it. Now he couldn't imagine not having her.
She was too perfect and she was all theirs.
"Done with your baba, Lils? Good girl." He raised the little one and rested her against his chest, a burp cloth already on his shoulder as he patted her small back with his large hand, marveling over how the width of her whole body fit snugly beneath his hand. She was so tiny. "Come on, honey. Give papa a burp." He tapped his palm against her back some more and then she belched, the noise making him blush. "That's my girl." Smiling, he sunk down into the chair, reclining it back as he maneuvered Lily to lay against him, her head on his shoulder with her soft hair tickling his chin. Once they were settled, he started to sing to her again, staring out the window at the snow that glittered outside as it fell from the sky and floated to the ground below.
On the wall, the clock ticked away to midnight, Valentine's Day now over, and Kurt closed his eyes, letting the excitement of the day finally whisk him away.
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Blaine woke up in a haze of pain, his body throbbing as he rolled from one side to the other, the ache deep within him spreading from the bottom half of his body to the top. Groaning, he ran his hand over his belly, grimacing over the squishy nature of his once pregnant form, and then he reached out, his other hand smacking against the side table for his glasses. Once they were in hand, he slipped them on, grimacing at all the white that covered the room, the window's blinds and curtains open to let the wintry morning light fill the area. Across the way was Kurt, his rainbow haired lover moving from one side of the room to the other as he rocked and talked to the blanketed one in his arms.
"I see how it is. I do all the hard work and you get to enjoy the perks," Blaine teased, smiling tiredly when Kurt spun around and flashed him a bright grin. Lily was awake in his arms, looking like she'd rather be sleeping but really couldn't because her papa was talking to her and keeping her awake. When Blaine noticed this, he rolled onto his back, hissing as he went to sit on his bottom. Grabby fingers engaged, he waved his boyfriend over. "Can I see my baby?"
"Of course. You don't have to ask, silly." Kurt chastised, wandering over to the bed where he handed over their daughter with ease, leaning down to press a kiss to Blaine's unruly hair before he stepped back. "Are you still hurting? I heard you groan, so don't say you're fine. The nurses told me to let you know that you can get more pain medication if and when you needed it."
"I'm... a little achy. Especially down there," the younger boy admitted, cheeks pink as he bit his lip like it was embarrassing to admit he was hurt. Kurt could only roll his eyes because he couldn't believe how flustered his boyfriend got - as if the boy should even get embarrassed by the admission considering Kurt had seen it all yesterday when their daughter was born. But, things were as they were. So while Blaine was busy babbling at Lily, Kurt called the nurses down and they shot Blaine up with some meds to keep him calm and painfree. Then the couple ordered lunch and off the nursing staff went to finish up their duties in other rooms while the new parents sat together and studied their daughter's features. "She kinda looks like a little elf." Blaine whispered, running a finger along Lily's cheek.
Kurt dramatically gasped in teasing, hand pressed against his chest as he gawked at Blaine with saucer wide eyes. "Did you just insult my baby?"
"It's not an insult, dummy. She actually looks like an elf. Like when she gets older, she looks like she could work for Santa or something. It's adorable. I'm not saying it to be mean. I... to be honest, she looks a lot like you and you, well... you kinda have those features as well."
At that, Kurt grumbled, sliding his body down so that he was eye level with the baby and not with Blaine. "You hear that, Lilybug? Your dad thinks we look like elves. Well, if we're elves then he's Santa because-"
"I swear if you say one thing about my belly being full of jelly, this relationship will be over in less than a second and I will file for full custody of Lily-"
A sincere smile spread across Kurt's face and he pulled himself back up, sliding an arm over Blaine's waist to rest a hand on the area in question, rubbing the soft flesh of his lover's stomach. "Babe, I would never make fun of your belly. Never. You just gave me the best Valentine's gift ever and it was that belly that grew her and I will always worship the place that protected our daughter from harm and made her into the perfect little princess she is today. That place is you, silly, and your stomach is a part of that, hard, soft, or whatever. I love it like I love you, which is a whole lot." Immediately, Blaine's eyes began to water and Kurt cooed at him, scooting in to press his lips against Blaine's neck. "Don't cry, Abs. Please don't cry."
"It's because I love you so much, doofus." Blaine ducked his head, tilting it to rest against Kurt's forehead as he continued to cry, shutting his eyes as his boyfriend kissed his way up Blaine's jawline and to his hair. "You always know how to get me riled up."
"Of course I do. That's how I got you to be my friend and ultimately make a baby with me!"
"You are so dumb. But yeah, I guess you're right." Sniffling, he yanked a tissue from the box sitting beside the bed and went to wipe away the tears from his face, tossing the napkin to the side before he went back to nuzzling his nose against Lily's smooth pink skin. The baby was starting to fall asleep again, her body all bundled up in her blanket like a cute little burrito. Excitedly, Kurt proceeded to tell Blaine about how he wrapped her up all by himself like some sort of tortilla wrap master like the ones at Chiptotle and his boasting had Blaine almost cackling with laughter over how dumb the father of his child was. "Stop it. You're gonna make me laugh too much and I'm gonna injure myself."
"But it's true. I bet I could out wrap any of Taco Bell's people!"
"I'm pretty sure you could, but the difference between you wrapping up Lily and you wrapping up a burrito is that you have to leave a gap for her to breathe. You'd get fired if you did that with a burrito."
The boys continued discussing their wild conspiracies about fast food etiquette up until the nursing staff came back with their lunches, smiling at the two young parents while they sat and bickered with each other about blankets and tortillas. It was only after their food was delivered that either one quieted, Blaine busy eating (he was starving) while Kurt rocked Lily to sleep and put her back in the crib that sat beside Blaine's bed. Afterwards, he also ate his lunch, occasionally glancing at his phone and informing Blaine about the sheer amount of people that had been texting him off and on throughout the day.
All of the New Directions wanted to stop by when they could. Some of the Warblers who had Kurt's number asked if they could swing by as well and the others who didn't have Kurt's number texted Blaine, hoping to hear from their old friend just to make sure he was alright. As for allowing them to come visit, Kurt gave everyone a time table, asking for everyone to respect their wishes and only stop by once the others left because they didn't want to overcrowd the hospital's ward nor did they want to overwhelm Blaine since he was still recovering from the birth.
So, for the rest of the afternoon, they entertained their friends, laughing when the girls offered their babysitting services, rolling their eyes fondly when their guy friends offered to be bodyguards for the little girl because they knew she'd grow up to be a heartbreaker and Kurt and Blaine were sure to need help fighting off potential future lovers with bats and crowbars. By the end of the day, as it got closer to visiting hours ending, only one person was missing from their group of friends and Blaine felt his heart break for the first time since he gave birth.
Quinn was missing. No one had heard from her at all, not even Puck, and even though no one said anything about her absence, they all knew the exact reason why she failed to show up.
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Snowflakes spilled from the sky, little flecks of white decorating the windshield of the Navigator as Kurt sat alone in the car, his eyes locked onto the empty frozen grounds of the cemetery. He'd been sitting there for almost an hour, nausea swirling in his stomach as he stared across the way and towards the leafless forest that lined the area where his mother was buried. It was early, barely morning enough for anyone to be out on the road, let alone a teenager such as himself, but he'd left the hospital that morning on a mission - he was going to tell his mom about her new granddaughter.
Blaine and Lily were still back at the hospital resting, the two of them under observation for another day or two since Blaine was still very weak from the birth and Lily was starting to show signs of jaundice. It was hospital policy to keep them under watch, so they wouldn't be cleared to go home until later and even though Kurt was at their side since the second Lils was born, there was still something he wanted... no, needed to do.
So, while his lover and child were sleeping, he snuck off, leaving the hospital to head to the cemetery in order to clear his thoughts and to do what he had to do.
Now he just had to get up the nerve to leave the car.
I don't know why you're so nervous. It's just your mom, his mind chided, causing him to roll his eyes. He was sure he looked foolish sitting outside the open gates of the graveyard, his big black SUV parked on the outskirts while he wiped away tears and built up the courage to move. Your mom would be proud of you, Kurt. You're a new daddy now and you've got a beautiful family. She would've loved them. She would've adored Blaine and spoiled the hell out of Lily. Don't be scared. Go tell her the news.
Nodding at his own thoughts, Kurt turned off the car, yanking the keys from the ignition to put into his coat pocket before he slid from the vehicle and started down the icy gravel walkway towards his mom's burial site. The frozen earth crunched beneath his feet, its sound mixing in with the whirr of the wintry wind. He tugged his coat a little tighter, fingers squeezing the small bouquet of flowers he carried: a gift to his mom to celebrate her new status as grandma. As he got closer, the knot in his throat grew, swelling to an unbearable lump that made it harder to swallow or even breathe.
"Hi mommy," he croaked, sniffling as the tears began to fall, their heat immediately cooling on his cheeks thanks to the frigid nature of the harsh midwinter. "I... I know it's been a while since I came t-to see you, but I have news." He dropped to his knees, no care at all that the wet snow was starting to seep into the denim of his thin jeans. His gloved fingers brushed away the snow that shadowed Elizabeth's tombstone and then he dropped the bouquet of pink and white carnations into the vase on the side of the grave, arranging them to they sat neatly in their place.
"I'm a dad now, mom." He chuckled, lowering his head as the sky above him poured down more snow to cover his cheeks and eyelashes. "That sounds weird to say, but I am. I'm a father. Lily Katherine was born the day before yesterday and she's beautiful, mom. I know I told you that I was scared about her when I first told you Blaine was pregnant and, to be honest, I'm still scared, but I think I can do this. I just have to raise her with the same values that you raised me with and we should be okay, right? You did a good job with me, if I do say so myself - not bragging or anything. Okay, maybe I am bragging, but still... Blaine and I should be okay.
"I just... you know I don't believe in any higher power or religion or what not, but- mom, if you could just watch out for her, wherever you are, and keep her safe? That'd mean the world to me. Oh, and if you see Blaine's mom around can you tell her thank you for me? For making sure Blaine made it to a good home. Because I never would've met him if it wasn't for the Berrys and he's my world. So is Lily."
Kurt smiled, wiping away the numbness from his cold cheeks. "I will do everything in my power to be a good father. I want to be as amazing to Lily as you and dad were - and are - to me. I know I'm young and Blaine is too, but we'll make it. It'll be hard, but I'm going to work at it. I'm going to be better for her. I'm going to be better for him and for you too. Mom, I- I love you so much and I miss you and god, I wish you were here, but I know you're out there somewhere watching over me and waiting for me and I hope I make you proud. One day I'll bring Lily out here to meet you... when it's not so cold and she's not so little. But soon, I promise."
Sighing, he stood up, brushing the snow off of his pants. He took a longer look at the tombstone, heart beating slowly as he studied the name and dates that were drilled into the granite. On the other side of the grave sat a joining stone with Burt's name listed, waiting for the day when Elizabeth's husband would finally join his long departed wife.
Kurt hoped that day wouldn't be anytime soon.
With a kiss, he stepped away from the site, whispering an 'I love you' into the wind as he walked away, his heart feeling heavier while his shoulders felt a little lighter over the moment he just shared with his mom. He missed her with every fiber of his being, but he knew everything was going to be okay. He was a new father now and he was going to make her (and everyone else) proud.
As he climbed into the Navigator, he glanced back at the end of the graveyard and a warm feeling enveloped his body, a smile dusting his face as he took in the shock of pink standing out in the sea of white. Even though it seemed morbid, he felt a bit of comfort seeing those flowers as the only bit of color in the bleak looking cemetery; it was like his mom was there with him, celebrating the life of the newest member of their family, while everyone else around them stayed in the dark.
Like it was a secret all their own.
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In order to make sure everything was alright with Blaine and Lily, they were kept in the hospital for another day, finally being discharged on the 17th to go home and start their brand new lives together. Kurt was a nervous wreck, bustling around the room to make sure they had everything they needed. He allowed his parents to buckle Lily in her carseat while the Berrys helped Blaine into a wheelchair. Once he was sure the room was emptied of their things, he shouldered their duffel bags and handed over their suitcases to Rachel and Finn, following the line of people out of the room. The nursing staff bid their goodbyes and soon the new family was all buckled up in their cars, carefully driving through the snow towards the Berry residence.
"Everything alright back there?" Leroy asked, glancing in the rearview mirror for a second to catch his son's eye. Blaine nodded, still looking as sleepy as ever, and Hiram mentioned the boy taking a nap once they got home. As usual, Blaine shrugged off the worry and went back to running his thumb over Lily's small hand, cooing at her when she gripped his finger in a surprisingly tight grip.
Kurt, in the meantime, watched his boyfriend and daughter with an enormous amount of love in his eyes. He knew damn well that he was going to fight Blaine once they got home about getting more rest (because, honestly, Blaine looked exhausted and Kurt was sure he wasn't supposed to look that tuckered out so soon) so he was mentally preparing himself for the argument all while watching said boyfriend and their child. For the rest of the trip home, he held Blaine close to him and peeked over the shorter teen's shoulder, oogling their red-faced child as she began to scream due to the unusualness of being strapped in her seat. "Oh honey, you don't like the car? I know, sweetie. I know. We're almost home."
He and Blaine continued to babble at her, hoping to calm her down but it didn't help much. She didn't seem to want to let up until they got her out of the seat. Thank god, Leroy was good at getting them back safe and sound, quick to park the car and help shuttle his son and newborn grandchild into the house. As soon as Lily was unbuckled from her seat, she silenced, quieting down quickly as Blaine held her against his chest and hummed to her. Kurt joined the humming, allowing his voice to blend in with his boyfriend's and soon their daughter was asleep, tiny fists squished against Blaine's collarbone as she lay cuddled against him like a little frog.
"We should bundle her. She'll sleep longer. Then you can get a nap while she's resting."
"I don't want to nap though," Blaine argued, a huge yawn interrupting him as he went to say more. Kurt could only grin at him when Blaine glared. "Don't. Honestly don't. I'm fine."
"You just yawned so big that one would think you were a lion. Take a nap, honey. I promise you'll feel better when you wake up-"
"I've been sleeping on and off since Lily was born and I still feel the same. I'm pretty sure a nap isn't gonna help anything." Blaine handed over the baby to Rachel, watching as she carefully swaddled Lily with Finn's help. "I think it's just postpartum lethargy or something."
Kurt frowned, stepping closer to Blaine to slide an arm around his boyfriend's back, his fingers rubbing the base of Blaine's spine. "Is that even a thing?"
"I dunno. I just feel like no matter how long I sleep, I'm still gonna be tired, so why bother?"
"I think we'd all feel better if you got more rest though, kiddo." A voice added from behind them. Blaine turned a bit and found himself being watched by the whole damn household - all the Hummel/Hudsons as well as his own family were watching him like vultures focusing on their prey. Burt was the one who spoke, stepping forward to clap a hand on Blaine's shoulder. "If Lily's sleeping, you two should rest up and then we'll wake you when she's up. Or if she wakes, her grandparents and aunt and uncle can watch her while you two get some sleep. You'll have all the time in the world to buzz around her once we all have to go back to work and school so you should rest up now."
At that, Kurt nodded, glancing over at Blaine with a concerned look, his brows furrowing as his lover seemed to slip away in thought for a moment, his attention elsewhere. Finally, Blaine nodded, smiling softly at Burt and the rest of the group before he wandered over and kissed the top of Lily's head, reaching back to take Kurt's hand as they headed upstairs towards their bedroom. Kurt was careful to stay behind Blaine, hands at the ready just in case his boyfriend had any issues taking the stairs (Blaine was still very much in pain from the birth and try as he might, he couldn't stop the hisses and soft groans that slipped from his lips whenever he moved too quickly or stretched himself too thin.) "You okay?"
"Stairs suck. Stitches suck."
"I know. I'm sorry." Sliding a hand around Blaine's waist, Kurt helped him the rest of the way, carefully depositing his pajama-clad boyfriend into bed while he changed, quick to climb up behind Blaine and spoon himself around the younger teen. "I love you."
"Love you too. Sorry if I snore."
"That's okay. You only snore when you're exhausted and you have a very good reason to be exhausted right now." Nuzzling his nose against the nape of Blaine's neck, he hugged him closer, resting his palm against Blaine's heart while his best friend slipped away, his snores filling the room in no time, allowing Kurt to reflect on the last few days and how worried he was that Blaine was so zapped of (seemingly) all his energy.
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As the days crept by, Blaine didn't seem to get any peppier. Within a week of the baby's birth, things had to go back to normal for the rest of the crew. The grandparents had to head back to work, Rachel and Finn were back in school, and Kurt himself had to prepare to go back as well. He didn't want to but since it was his senior year and he didn't qualify for homebound like Blaine had, he was soon to head back as well. Blaine, on the other hand, balanced his time between Lily and his schoolwork and then in between that he rested... or tried to. Nothing was ever enough though. He was always tired, always exhausted, and the way he dragged himself around sometimes had Kurt's stomach in knots.
"You want a cup of coffee?"
"No. Caffeine doesn't seem to be my friend right now," Blaine whispered, snuggling deeper into the cushions of the sofa as he watched Lily suck on her bottle. The two of them were quite the pair, sleepy eyed and mop headed; Kurt had a lot of fun watching them together, but since Blaine started showing more signs of fatigue, he worried more too.
"You threw up again?"
"This morning before you got up. I thought I'd try a cup to wake me up, but it didn't settle. I think I'll stick to smoothies for right now until my body gets back into shape."
Nodding, Kurt dropped onto the couch and scooted close to his family, resting his cheek on Blaine's shoulder while he observed how gentle his boyfriend was with their daughter. Lily's eyes were closed, the usual sounds she made while eating meshing in with the noises going on in the kitchen. Finn and Rachel were home from school, buzzing around in the other room while they made dinner for the family. Burt and Carole were coming over after work and the whole gang was going to eat together. However, with how dead Blaine looked on his feet, Kurt wasn't sure if his love was going to last until dinner. Not unless he was able to nudge his boyfriend into taking a nap or something.
"How about I finish feeding her and you go get some rest? You've been up since six and I know you haven't slept since. I'll wake you once dinner's ready."
"You have homework to catch up on. You've gotta go back to school soon and you can't go back until you've finished your assignments-"
"I can do them later. It's not like they're hard. Plus I'd rather you feel 100% than me getting a 100% on some useless assignment. You're more important to me than school, Abs. Way more important."
"Kurt-"
"Nuh uh uh, no arguing. I promise I'll get my work done as soon as possible. But until then, I have time to do everything and I'm not doing diddly squat until the color comes back to your skin and you don't look so much like you did when you first got pregnant, okay? Great. Now hand over Lilybug and lay down. I'll take it over from here."
Despite his arguing, Blaine passed the baby over and flopped to his side, tugging his legs up onto the sofa before he yanked the throw blanket off of the back of the couch and wrapped it around himself. Within minutes, he was fast asleep, falling away quicker than Kurt expected. From the doorway, Rachel peeked in, a frown on her face as she took in her younger brother's sallow skin and dark rimmed eyes.
"I know pregnancy and childbirth can be exhausting, but he's so tired." She murmured, stepping into the room to tuck the blanket around him a little more. "Me and my dads were talking about it the other night while you two were sleeping and I think they're gonna try to take him to the doctor soon to see if he's got some sort of vitamin deficiency. Daddy thinks that since he had such a hard time with the pregnancy, it might've done a deal on his body and he just needs a kickstart to get his energy back."
"Well whatever can help him, I'd be thankful for. I hate seeing him like this."
"I know. Me too." Smiling at her friend, Rachel leaned in and gave Kurt a hug, brushing her finger against Lily's cheek before he headed back into the kitchen where she (stupidly) left Finn alone. Once she was gone, Kurt sunk down into the corner of the couch, knees raised as he laid Lily there and let her finish her bottle all propped up on his legs. As she ate, he let his thoughts wander to the upcoming weeks in their lives - with raising Lily and hopping back unto the thick of things with school and graduation, he knew they were going to have a lot on their plate. He just hoped that they'd be ready enough to handle it all.
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Doctor's appointments were useless. Taking vitamins was useless. Trying to act like his life hadn't taken a complete 180 was foolish.
Blaine was falling apart. Not so much in the area of having a breakdown, per se (or so he thought.) He was just incredibly worn out from everything that occurred over the last few weeks. His nerves had been shot before the baby arrived and it seemed like ever since she'd been born, whatever was left was slowly disintegrating, leaving him fumbling and frayed. There were nights when he'd find himself shaking, hands trembling so badly that he'd have to pause for a second and take a breather just to make up a bottle. Some evenings found him in the bathroom, back pressed against the door as he inhaled and exhaled so deeply that he could feel the breaths in his toes. Nothing felt right and the thing was, he wasn't sure what it was. It wasn't like he was upset over Lily or anything - he adored Lily. He loved being her father and he was in awe that something so perfect came from him.
The thing that really got to him though was the fact that his identity felt like it had been swiped from him and replaced with something (someone) else. He was a daddy now and after giving birth, the teenager who'd been Blaine Anderson-Berry went from just that- a teen, to becoming an adult, a parent, a grown up with responsibilities that surpassed the usual paying of the bills and providing food, shelter, and protection for just himself. Now he had to provide for Lily as well (and Kurt too) and it was just a lot to manage. There seemed to be a whole new weight on his shoulders that he never imagined having. Giving birth had been an otherworldly experience, the most pain he'd ever been in through his short life, and from the second Lily let out her first breath (and ultimately her first cry), Blaine felt some sort of connection with himself snap.
Lily was his world and had been since the moment he found out he was having her, but now? Now it was like her presence and his love for her had taken over all of him. In retrospect, he felt off, lost, and he wasn't exactly sure how to get that - himself - back.
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"Can I come in?"
Blaine looked up, his eyes falling onto the stranger standing in his doorway. It was early, barely past nine, but he was up and busy with Lily, his body going through the motions of taking care of his little one while his boyfriend slept. They'd both been swamped with the responsibility of fatherhood, Kurt rising in the middle of the night to feed or change Lily when needed, allowing Blaine to get the rest he really lacked. Blaine would take over the duties in the morning while Kurt caught up on his sleep, but even then, he was still tired, humoring himself by humming silly songs to Lily in order to keep her calm. It was all he could do to keep himself sane as well.
"Quinn-"
The girl in question nodded, her bubblegum pink hair spilling in front of her eyes as she crossed her arms over her chest. From her position in the doorway, Blaine could see how small she looked, how the thick black clothing she wore swam on her form. She wore a long, flowing skirt with an baggy dark sweater that was several sizes too big for her, its neckline hanging off her shoulder to show off a pale stretch of skin. Her charcoal rimmed eyes locked onto the baby in his arms and he smiled, gesturing for her to step into the room.
"Come sit. You don't have to stand in the hall. It's okay."
Quinn's gaze fell onto Kurt, her features softening at the sight of her friend stretched out on the bed, limbs askew and rainbow hair falling in front of his eyes. She stepped a few feet in and then froze at the edge of the bed, going back to staring at Lily as the baby yawned and squirmed in her daddy's arms. "She's beautiful."
"Thank you. Would you, umm... would you like to sit? You won't wake him. He sleeps like the dead."
A thoughtful look passed through Quinn's green eyes and then she nodded, slowly moving closer to Blaine until she was right against the edge of the bed. Carefully, she sat down, smoothing out her skirt before she turned and faced her friend. "I'm sorry I didn't visit you in the hospital after she was born. I-"
"I understand. Kurt understood too." Lily whimpered, her tiny nose scrunching up as she got ready to wail and Blaine quickly shushed her, bringing her up to rest against his chest as he started to hum. His voice filled the room as the humming turned to singing, the quiet lullaby that he'd sang to her since she was in the womb causing her to simmer down, her eyes closing as she snuggled against him. Beside them, Quinn sat stone still, tears welling in her eyes as she observed Blaine and the baby bonding, noticing how gentle he was with the infant in his arms.
She could've had that.
"Quinn?"
"Hmm?" She sniffled, turning away for a second to wipe the tears out of the corner of her eyes. When she glanced back, Blaine was watching her silently, smiling at her with yet another understanding look. He maneuvered Lily from her spot against him and held her out a bit, leaning a little closer to Quinn as he did so.
"Would you like to hold her?"
"I... I don't know."
"You don't have to if you don't want to, but you're more than welcome to hold her if you'd like. She may be a little fussy right now, but she honestly does love people.. I think it's the contact aspect. I dunno. She may get that from her Aunt Rachel."
Quinn chuckled a bit, tucking a strand of her candy colored hair behind her ear. The baby was squirming again, her little arms waving; the fact that she was so small had Quinn's heart racing. If she had had her baby a few years ago, she would've been raising a toddler right now. She would've had a child who was walking and talking and lord knows what else...
But then she took another look at Blaine, taking in the sunken look of his face, the way his eyes were glossy and how tired he looked. It seemed like the baby weight was coming off quickly (minus his belly pudge) but other than that, he looked like someone who'd been run through the wash a few times too many. Quinn would've been like that too, had she decided to keep her child. However, at that time in her life, she couldn't, not with the plans she had to get out of Ohio and move on to do bigger, better things. Blaine was lucky in some aspects - he had two wonderful families that could help him out, that would watch the baby if he needed their help, plus he had Kurt.
When she first found out she was pregnant, her downfall sent her spiraling into depression, a haze that never really lifted. Noah had been on the fence at first, wanting to keep the baby, but then he didn't want to quit his stupid, badboy ways and she knew she couldn't keep a child (raise a child) with someone so immature. She was barely a teen herself and her family disowned her because of her pregnancy. So, she did what she had to do... and she's never regretted it. At least until now.
Lily fussed again, annoyed at being held out like a display doll, so Quinn reached forward, gently placing one hand under the baby's tiny head and the other beneath her bottom as she took her from Blaine. Cradling the infant against her, she leaned down and breathed in the small one's scent, feeling those tears from earlier start to spring back up again, her throat locking up in a knot.
"I wasn't ready for this," she whispered, her voice cracking as she started to cry. Blaine snuggled close to her, wrapping an arm around her in sympathy. "I want kids, I do, but I wasn't ready then. I wasn't."
"No one faults you for that. You did what you had to do."
"But you kept her. You didn't do what I did."
Blaine closed his eyes, resting his head on Quinn's shoulder as he watched her cry against Lily's hair. There were so many things he wanted to say, so many words he wanted to pass onto his friend to help her feel better, but he was scared. What if he said the wrong thing? What if he made it worse? He tightened his grip around her and held her as she wept, leaning his head against her hair as her body shook in his embrace. "You weren't ready then, Quinn. Our support systems are different, our boyfriends are different. If I had been in your situation, I might've done the same thing." Saying those words made a shiver run down his spine, but he continued, "No one, not one person who loves you faults you for doing what you needed to do for you. You weren't ready and you made a responsible adult decision. I think that's pretty courageous myself."
"Blaine-"
The bed rustled behind them, Kurt rolling over as he began to wake up. Somehow his ears picked up the sound of someone crying (which was unusual for him considering he'd been sleeping through any - and every - thing) and up he got, rubbing at his eyes for a moment before he noticed his boyfriend and other best friend huddled together, one of them crying while the other looked terribly close to breaking down as well. "What's wrong?" He asked, crawling up behind them. Quinn took one look at him and shook her head, holding out Lily for Blaine to take before she wrapped her arms around Kurt, crying into his chest.
Blaine watched the two, his heart breaking for the girl in his boyfriend's arms. He decided to give them a minute, taking Lily and heading out of the room while the two best friends had their moment together. Down the hall he went to the nursery, settling down in the rocking chair while he hummed a random tune under his breath. Everything went fine until Lily began mouthing at his chest, rooting for something to eat as she signified she was hungry. Thank god he'd grabbed her bottle on the way out of the room; all he had to do was go back and reheat it, so he climbed out of the chair and hobbled downstairs, muttering a good morning to Rachel as he swept past the living room and went into the kitchen. Before he knew it, the bottle was warmed and Lily was eating, looking up at him, puzzled (as she normally looked), and Rachel was settling down at the kitchen table with him.
"Is Quinn okay?"
"No. I... not really. Kurt's up there with her now. They needed a moment together. They've been best friends much longer than I've known either of them so I knew they needed some time alone."
"I hope she'll be alright. I like Quinn. She's actually very nice."
"Quinn's a sweetheart. She deserves a whole lot more respect than the crap she gets at school."
"I agree." Rachel quieted, leaning in to coo at Lily. The siblings sat together, relishing in the silence and watching Lily eat while they waited for their friends to come back from upstairs. A good half an hour went by before Kurt slipped into the room, smiling tiredly at Blaine and Rachel before he began going through the fridge for something to eat. Rachel questioned him, "Did Quinn leave?"
"Yeah. She was going to swing in and say goodbye, but we decided it was for the best that she not. She's still a little..." He trailed off, moving to pour a glass of orange juice instead of finishing his sentence. Once the drink was poured, he shot a look towards Rachel. "Umm, do you mind giving us a minute? I need to talk to Blaine."
Shocked, Rachel frowned but agreed nonetheless, sliding out of the chair. Before she left, Blaine asked her if she didn't mind burping Lily, so she happily took her niece and exited the room, leaving the two boys alone.
"What did you want to talk about?"
"Quinn and I... well, we were talking about her situation and everything and she mentioned something about you."
"About me?"
"Yeah. Blaine... are you okay?" His question knocked Blaine off guard, shaking the ground on which he stood. Kurt was staring at him expectantly, expression troubled and laced with unease as he watched Blaine shrink on himself. His boyfriend pulled his legs up onto the chair with the rest of him, arms quickly wrapping around them as he tucked himself into a slight ball. "Blaine, honey-"
"I'm fine."
"You are far from fine. If you were fine, you wouldn't be hiding from me right now. I... Abs, what's wrong? Please tell me what you're thinking."
Head lowered, Blaine squeezed his eyes shut, praying that the ache in his chest wouldn't come up and spill out of him like the way it occurred with Quinn. Kurt didn't need to have yet another one of his friends breaking down on him when it was so close to the time he had to go back to school. Blaine was grown, he could take care of himself, and now that he was a father, he had to.
But you don't have to do it alone, his thoughts whispered. He ignored them.
"Blaine?"
"I'm fine. I'm just tired, I swear."
"This is more than just exhaustion, babe. Quinn said she could see it the second she came into the room and honestly, I've seen it too. You've been like this before Lils was born and it's like it's only gotten worse and I don't know what to do. I can't leave you like this-"
At that, Blaine's head snapped up. "Why? Do you not trust me?"
"No. No, it's not that. I just... I don't want you to feel alone, Blaine. We're in this together. I know- I know we've had our ups and downs throughout this relationship, but when there are downs, we need to fix them, not sweep them under the rug. I can't let this go because it's hurting you and I don't like to see you hurt." Biting back the nausea in his stomach, Kurt took Rachel's vacated seat, scooting closer to Blaine. He wrapped his arms around his lover and felt his heart drop when Blaine immediately started to shudder, his body quaking with thick, anguished sobs that shattered every little bit of Kurt's already aching heart. "Oh honey-"
Arms curled around his lover, Kurt held Blaine until the sobbing subsided, until the jerks of breath calmed to a few soft hitches and sniffles, the quaking in his bones filtering away to almost nothing. Blaine stayed quiet, content to relax in Kurt's arms, and Kurt didn't press, knowing that Blaine would (or at least he hoped he would) come to him whenever he was ready. Outside, he knew Rachel was probably wondering what was going on and deep down, he was thankful Blaine's dads were both off at work and that the teenagers were the only ones in the house. Rachel knew to give them space and she would watch her niece while they had time to themselves, so Kurt took advantage of that, pulling away from Blaine to help him up and out of the chair.
"Come on, babe," he breathed, taking Blaine's hand as he guided them out of the kitchen and past Rachel. Before they hit the stairs, he caught Rachel nodding at him, giving him the signal that she had it all taken care of, so he led Blaine up the steps and back into the bedroom, cuddling up next to his love as soon as they were laying down. "No matter what it is, I will support you. You know that, right? You are very special to me and I want to make sure you're safe and happy and I will do everything in my power to make sure you are. Because I love you. So, so much."
Blaine sniffled, closing his eyes as Kurt cupped his cheek, the other boy's thumb stroking away the wetness from under his eyes, "...I don't feel like me anymore."
"What do you mean?"
"I feel... lost. I- I don't feel like Blaine. I feel like Lily's father o-or Kurt's boyfriend, but not me." He opened his eyes, swallowing thickly as he caught Kurt's watery gaze looking back at him. He knew he probably looked a mess, face all puffy and tear streaked, eyes red and lashes waterlogged. His nose was running too so he was sure he looked ridiculous, but Kurt... Kurt was staring at him like he was the most beautiful thing on the planet.
"You are you. You're still Blaine. You might've gotten a little lost along the way, but you're still you. Yeah, you're Lily's father and my boyfriend, but you are so much more than that, sweetheart. You are everything to a lot of people. Blaine is everything to a lot of people and we all love you. It's just... right now, things have changed so much. Remember how we used to talk about our lives and what things were going to be like once the baby was here?" He waited until Blaine nodded. "Well, it hasn't really gone that way, has it?"
"No."
They were both thinking of their first weeks at home. Two whole weeks had gone by since Lily's birth and while Blaine was still recuperating from everything, there was so much to do and so much that had already been done. They already had their first experience with a diaper from hell. Then there was that time when Lily got so sick that she threw up all over the place (which ended up scaring the hell out of the new parents until Carole reassured them that their child was okay and that those things sometimes happened with newborns.) There were nights of endless crying and no sleep; there were days of dragging themselves around, singing while they waited for their daughter to finally nod off, and while the minutes/hours/days merged into one another, they were getting used to it. That's just what parenthood was. It was a struggle, a worthwhile struggle.
"I don't want to say this is baby blues because I'm sure it's not, but honey, no matter what, I promise you that I'll be by your side to help you and support you. If you need time to find yourself again, no matter how long, I'll do what I can to give you that. I'll watch Lily, I'll take her to my parents for a few days to give you some time to yourself. Whatever you want."
Blaine clung to him, body curled up in Kurt's arms, the needy part of him delighted with the way his boyfriend's arms tightened around him. This, this right here was what he needed. He loved Lily and he loved being a dad, but everything was so overwhelming at times. Some days all he wanted to do was be left alone or be held and Kurt was giving that to him right now. Rachel was watching the baby and it was like some of the heavy laden shadows that were dragging him down got washed away a bit. "I don't want you to go. I don't want her to go either. I just want... to be better."
"You will be. We'll make sure you get better. I promise."
::::::::::
A few days after Blaine's meltdown, the family had a meeting about what they could do to help the struggling young parent. Hiram found the number of a therapist who specialized in postpartum depression and Leroy switched around his shifts at work so that he could be at home helping whenever Kurt (who was due to head back at any time) went back to school. Blaine started to talk more about his feelings - first with only Kurt but then more with his dads and within a few days of talking more about the situation, things started to look a little brighter.
Before they knew it, they were pushing towards Lily being a month old and Kurt couldn't believe how fast time had gone. One minute he was at Blaine's side in the delivery room and the next, his daughter was growing like a weed.
"Can we slow time down?" He asked, frowning pitifully as rubbed lotion all over Lily's naked body. The baby was clean, fresh out of the bathtub and it was Kurt's last night of being around her 24/7 because he was heading back to school the following morning. Blaine was still going to be home, dealing with homebound until Lily was at least two months old. Once she was a little older, he'd be going back to school to in order to finish up his senior year and graduate with the rest of his class. Despite it being months away, he was still nervous about the event, but Kurt was great at making him forget about it for the time being.
Now, however, seeing as Kurt was going back and (somewhat) leaving him behind... well, it frazzled Blaine's nerves a bit.
"Time's gone by really fast. I never thought it would seem so quick with how hectic the last few weeks have been."
"Probably because our hours got all mixed up while everyone else stayed on the same schedule. That's okay though," he cooed in a mousy voice. "We wouldn't change this for the world, now would we? That's right, Lilykins! We wouldn't."
Blaine chuckled, handing over a diaper as he watched Kurt babble at their baby. Inside, he was still fighting with himself over his feelings of disconnection and self-worth, but he was getting better. Slowly he was coming back to himself, feeling more like Blaine than anything. He knew he had to get better fast though since Kurt was going to be busy and he was going to be on his own with Lily, but despite the time crunch, he was getting better. It was a lengthy battle, but he was prepared for it.
"I can't believe you're heading back to school tomorrow."
"I know. I wouldn't go if Regionals wasn't around the corner. If I want to participate this time, I have to be in school for a few weeks before the competition date-"
"Much like I have to be if I want to perform at Nationals."
"Yeah, if we make it-"
"You'll make it. There's no way you guys will lose."
"But the Warblers-"
"-are amazing and could probably wipe the floor with you, but we aren't going to think about that now," he teased, smirking when Kurt smacked him with Lily's onesie. "You guys will do awesome and I'll be in the audience cheering you on and then we'll go off to Los Angeles for Nationals and live happily ever after."
"Happily ever after, you say? Hmm." Kurt smiled, leaning over to peck a quick kiss on Blaine's lips before he pulled back and continued dressing the baby. Once Lily was clothed and swaddled in her blankie, he wandered over to the rocking chair and sat down, closing his eyes as he held his daughter close. "I don't want to leave her," he whined, clutching her a little tighter.
"I know, but you'll be home by dinner time and you can have her all you want once you walk in that door. Then in a few weeks, we'll be fighting over who gets to hold her when I go back to school."
"But... but what if I miss something awesome? Like what if she smiles or giggles and I'm in school? Then what?"
"She'll do it again later?"
"Blaine!"
"I'm just teasing." Grinning, Blaine put away the lotions and powders that were scattered all over the changing table. "I'll try to record what I can and I'll send you texts throughout the day. While you're gone, I'll also train her to not do a thing until you get back. You know, just so you don't miss anything."
Rolling his eyes, Kurt huffed, directing his attention back to the quiet infant. Lily was looking up at him, sleep inevitable as her eyes blinked open and shut like she knew she was losing the battle but wanted to stay awake anyway. "Lilybug here knows I'm leaving tomorrow. She's trying her hardest not to fall asleep right now."
"It's because she loves her papa very much." Blaine turned, walking over to kiss the top of Lily's head before he popped up and kissed Kurt full and slow, pulling away to leave the room. While his boyfriend was mourning over having to go back to school tomorrow, he'd leave him alone to spend some quality time with their daughter. In the meantime, he disappeared to his bedroom, pulling boxes full of crafty things out from under his bed. One of the things his therapist recommended him to do was to get back into hobbies he enjoyed doing in his spare time. One of those hobbies was scrapbooking and before Blaine knew it, he was printing out pictures and cutting up little bits of decorative paper to build up a book for Lily. To be honest, the advice was incredibly helpful and Blaine enjoyed his time putting together the baby book; it gave him a part of himself back, plus it allowed him to take a break and gather his thoughts while he worked.
He continued at it for a while, only taking a break to eat dinner and clean-up before he and Kurt (and Lily, since she was sleeping in a bassinet beside their bed) retired to the bedroom. Kurt sat slouched on the mattress, a frown on his face as he grumbled about having to head back to McKinley. "Can't I just stay here with you two tomorrow?"
"If you want. You know I won't stop you."
"I just don't want to miss anything."
"I know. But she's still really little. You won't miss much and I promise that if she does something, I'll try to catch it on camera so I can show you."
"I know." Huffing, Kurt threw himself back on the bed, fingers brushing along the side of the bassinet. "Before I leave in the morning, I'd like to feed her, if you don't care."
"You can do whatever you want to do tomorrow. I know it's going to be hard on you, so if you want to burrito her up and carry her around in a homemade papoose before you leave in the morning, I won't blink an eye at it."
"You're too good to me."
"I know," he ignored Kurt's complaints. "That's because I love you. Now, Lily's asleep so we should take full advantage of this-" He yawned, pulling on a hoodie to sleep in, clicking off the light before he climbed into bed beside his lover, "-and hit the hay early. You've got a big day tomorrow."
"But what if I want to make out with my boyfriend first?" Kurt teased, rolling over so that he was hovering over Blaine, his nose brushing the younger boy's. "We haven't made out in quite some time."
"We haven't had the energy to make out in quite some time."
"Better for us to make good use of this unused stamina we have at the moment, yeah?"
Underneath him, Blaine chuckled, smiling against Kurt's lips as he nodded, feeling the weight of the love of his life pressing him down into the blankets. A few feet away, Lily slept, swaddled and content in her crib while her fathers spent the evening cuddling and whispering sweet nothings to each other, happy to have a bit of time to themselves as well as being in good moods that evening. Tomorrow would bring on the first round of a sea of changes, but they were ready to take them on, especially after the last few (dramatic) weeks since Lily's birth, but no matter what, they were sure they could do them as long as they stuck together.
A/N: Sorry for the wait. Writer's block is a BITCH to deal with, plus these last spoilers for the upcoming final season really took a lot out of me when it came to writing this... because of reasons (for those of you who know the spoilers, you get it - for those of you who don't, stay away! Stay far, far away!) Anyway, I was not planning on what occurred with Blaine to happen actually; it just wouldn't leave me alone so there it is. I'll dive a little more into that during the next chapter(s) and we'll have a time jump because it'll start dragging (even more than it already is) if I don't start moving it along. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter and please leave a review if you did (or even if you didn't because if you didn't, I'd like to know why.) Also thank you so much for being so patient with me. I owe you all a lot.