Author's note: Over 550 follows on this story, and over 300 reviews. That's a nice feeling.
It's probably the angst that you all enjoy so much. I'm a die-hard romantic, and it's very difficult to not just decide that they've suffered enough, and throw them together. I'm trying to take it slowly, as probably befits Beckett's chronic resistance to opening up to people, and Castle's morose mood.
Thanks for reading.
"I think I should go home," Ryan said, with the earnestness and gravitas of the truly drunk.
Esposito glanced at his partner and grinned. "I think you're right."
Ryan nodded in satisfaction and began to stand up, before realising that he was in the middle of a circular booth and would have to slide out. He looked confused for a moment, and then he sighed.
Lanie laughed silently, then edged out of her side of the booth, followed by Esposito.
"This way, bro," he said, and Ryan got the idea after a moment.
"I'm gonna put him in a cab," Esposito said to the other three, and then guided his unsteady but extremely happy partner towards the door. Ryan was too far gone to even remember to say goodbye.
"He's gonna be less happy tomorrow," Castle said, and the two women nodded.
"Or when Jenny sees the state he's in," Beckett added, and Castle threw a brief smirk her way.
Lanie watched the two of them carefully, then she rubbed her hands together. "Well, I think I'm gonna call it a night too. I'll talk to Javi on the way out. It's been a great evening. Kate, I'll call you tomorrow."
Beckett nodded, a look of anxiety passing across her face very briefly.
"Night, Lanie," Castle said, and Lanie nodded in acknowledgement as she shrugged her coat on and gave them a last wave before walking off in the direction Esposito had gone.
Beckett glanced at Castle and gave him a small smile, and his eyes flicked towards the door.
"So…" she said.
They had been sitting side by side all evening now, and while it had become comfortable, she hadn't pushed too much further. She had touched his arm a couple of times during conversations, and he had seemed slightly puzzled. At one point, while they were all listening to Ryan clumsily tell a story about one of Jenny's friends, he had turned and fixed his eyes on her. They blazed with some powerful emotion, and he seemed to be searching for an answer. She had held his gaze for at least three or four seconds – an eternity for them – and when she tentatively smiled, he had looked away again.
"And then there were three," he replied, picking up his glass and swirling the tiny drop of whisky left in it.
"Yeah," she said, wincing internally at how lame it sounded.
"Maybe I should head home too," he said after a moment, and she felt her heart sink. Before she could reply, Esposito reappeared, but instead of sliding into the booth he just grabbed his own jacket.
"I'm gonna go share a cab with Lanie," he said. "Make sure she gets home safe."
Castle wasn't sure whether the other man was talking about himself and Lanie, or making a request regarding Beckett, but he nodded anyway.
"Take it easy," he said, and Esposito gave a jaunty, one-finger salute.
"You too," he said, nodding at both of them and then once again heading for the door.
The sudden silence was awkward, and she could feel Castle's discomfort returning. She considered challenging him to another game of pool, but she knew he'd just say he was tired.
"Then there were two," she said.
"Mm," he replied, swirling the glass one last time before setting it down.
And that's the evening over, she thought, pushing the disappointment away and instead forcing herself to remember that she'd at least tried to make some progress tonight. They were talking, and he was curious.
Before he could say that he was calling it a night, she turned to him.
"Want to share a cab too?"
He glanced up at her, reading her expression. He saw only genuineness, with a hint of vulnerability that he'd noticed several times that evening.
That's the biggest change in you recently, he thought, filing the observation away for later.
"Making sure I get home safe?" he asked after several moments, and she smiled in relief.
"Something like that."
"Sure," he said, reaching for both their jackets and handing hers over.
A minute later they were outside, looking around for a cab. She stood slightly closer to him that normal, shivering in the breeze.
A taxi pulled over after a couple of minutes, and they got in. Castle recited her own address first even though his loft was closer, and she opened her mouth to protest but he gave her a look and she just nodded instead.
"Thank you," she said quietly once the cab started to move, and he tilted his head in acknowledgement while still looking out the side window at the city rolling past.
"Twice in one night," he said, after another block had gone by. His voice was so low that she almost didn't hear his words, and she was confused for a moment before she realised what he meant.
I've said 'thank you' twice tonight, she thought.
She turned her head to look across the rear seat at him, but his face was turned away and hidden in shadow. She willed him to look around, and after several seconds she was surprised when he did.
"I should say it more often," she said.
He gave an almost imperceptible shrug, letting his gaze move past her to look out the window behind her head. "Only when there's a reason," he said evenly.
"There's always a reason," she replied immediately, and he met her eyes again. That same look of vague confusion passed over his face, and she exhaled loudly.
"I've been taking you for granted," she said.
His gaze dropped to the empty section of seating between them for a second, then he faced forward again.
"I wouldn't say that," he replied.
"But we both know it's true," she said.
He didn't respond. She looked out her own window for a few seconds, seeing that they weren't too far from her neighbourhood, and she felt a needle of panic in her chest.
Don't have a whole lot of days left.
She turned to face him again, and reached across the seat to grasp his hand. He flinched, startled, then slowly turned his head to first look at her hand on his, and then to meet her eyes.
His face was partly hidden by the shifting shadows cast by each passing streetlight, but she could still read his expression with unsettling clarity.
Suspicion, doubt, hurt… and maybe just a sliver of hope.
"I want things to change. Between us, I mean," she said, blurting the words out before she could lose her nerve. His face hardened slightly and she hurried to continue.
"I know they've already changed. It's been… different… for a few weeks. I wish I knew what I could do. I don't like what's happened."
His eyebrows twitched, and she knew that expression too. Me neither, but what choice is there?
Castle looked across at her. Bundled up in her coat, with her large, dark eyes shining from the drinks she'd had and then the cold air, she looked younger and softer than she normally did. He felt an almost physical pain in his chest, and a wave of regret surged through him, so he closed his eyes.
Wasted time and wasted opportunities, he thought. But it's not her fault either. She's lost something she actually had – a friend.
Maybe he'd find a way to forget his feelings for her. He had no idea how long it would take, but it was a project he could undertake on his own. In the meantime, at least there was the work. And he knew he couldn't bring himself to hold himself away from her when she was openly hurting about it.
So just be her friend, he thought. Just find a way to do that. Maybe one day you'll even wake up and decide that's all you want.
He gave her a small smile. He was trying, but it came across as exquisitely sad, and she felt a crack appear in her own heart.
"So back to normal?" he said, looking at her again. He intended it to be a gesture, and he hoped it would be a comfort to her. He felt her fingers tighten around his.
"No," she said.
He blinked, thrown off balance again. He was about to ask what she meant when they both felt the taxi decelerate and come to a stop. They were outside her building.
She glanced out the window, and then back at him.
"I…," she began, then she caught sight of the curious face of the cab driver in the rear view mirror, and she suddenly felt very exposed.
Castle's brow furrowed.
You could ask him to come in, her mind whispered, and she felt another surge of panic.
Terrible idea, she thought. Or great idea. I don't know! I'm no good at this.
She took a breath, and met his eyes again, still gripping his hand.
"I want to keep talking, about… this," she said. He gave a single, slow nod, and she exhaled in relief. "Can I call you? Tomorrow?"
"OK," he said quietly, and she gave him the best smile she could muster before finally releasing his hand. She looked at him for another long moment, then climbed out of the taxi and closed the door.
Castle saw the question on the driver's face in the mirror, and he nodded.
The taxi pulled away from the curb, and Castle glanced over his shoulder just in time to see her standing at the door of her building, still looking in his direction.