A/N: Hello and thank you for those who followed/favorite this fanfiction! I apologized for the delay, many things are going through my personal and educational career right now and I am in a rush in posting this chapter. Please excuse for any errors, I was told this chapter is a bit rusty but I don't want to put this chapter on hold for another month or so, please excuse the low quality of it. Thank to Ria Jellyfish for being my beta reader and confirming my grammar. Please leave a review, I would love to hear any comments/suggestions! Thank you!

Warnings/Tags: slight dubcon, headcanon gender identity

My head was pounding, almost making me insane. The room was too loud for my liking and I really wished I stayed home and rest.

I don't want to be here.

A gentle hand softly ruffled my golden locks. "Hey, champ. Girl stole your wallet, or something?"

I looked up to see a girl smirking down at me but with gentle eyes. "Geeze, you should be careful with gold diggers nowadays." she said as she pulls a chair from a desk and turns it to sit on it and rest her arms on the head rest.

Her name was Gilbert. Well, that's not her birth name but she preferred to be called that. I respected her wish and her gender identity, which was bigender. She had her hair down, meaning she wanted to feel more feminine. I know long hair isn't established to one gender but I know my friend. When she wears flowing clothing and has her hair down, she wants to address as a girl. When she wears pants or shirts and wears a wig with matching hair color, she wants to be addressed as a boy. When she does one of the other at the same time, she's both genders. Bigenders can do whatever they want, as long as they establish their gender. But Gilbert has her own way to do it and this was hers. We've been friends since kindergarten and I can easily read her as book. So can she.

I sighed and stood up, rolling my eyes and smiling back at her. "Oh, so do you mean girls like you?" I stated.

She giggled and scoots closer to me. "Speaking of that, can I have five bucks? Forgot to bring lunch."

I took my wallet out without thinking and naturally gave her a five dollar bill. Gilbert always asked for money that now it became natural.

I should really stop that...

"Anyways, what's wrong? Why the long face?" she asked as she stretches the five dollar bill before slipping the money in her pocket.

I sighed, slowly reaching behind to scratch my head. I didn't want to talk about Al yet. But the infinite stress and depression was killing me, I desperately needed to talk about this.

"It's Al..." I mumbled as I flicked my pencil on the desk.

Gilbert's smile slowly faded and her eyes began to worry. "Oh..did you finally..." I nodded before she could finish. I groaned and went back to lying my head down on the desk.

"Hey..at least you did the right thing. You were honest to him and to yourself and now you won't feel guilty anymore!" she smiled as she tried to comfort me.

"I wished I've never done it..."

"What?"

"I wished I've never broken up with Alfred!" I hollered.

Gilbert was startled from my sudden outburst and confession and so was I. We quickly looked around the classroom to see if anyone heard me. Luckily the room was louder than me and we were all the way back in the room. Gilbert looked back me and pulled my sleeves.

"You got to be kidding me."

"No, I'm 100 percent honest here. If only I waited a bit. If only I was more open minded then maybe, MAYBE, I could have loved him ba-"

"Matt, what the fuck!" Gilbert exclaimed, this time half the class heard her. She scolded at them and they didn't dare to find out what she screamed about.

"Gil, I'm being serious here. I wished I never broke up with him..." I lowered my voice as I looked down.

Gilbert looked at me with her worried eyes again and she sighed. "Matt, why? Why are you doing this to yourself?"

I looked up at her, silently asking her to explain herself.

She shook head, letting go of my sleeves. "Back then, you won't shut up about breaking up with him. You kept whining how he made you uncomfortable and how you felt guilty when you told him you loved him. The guilt was eating you up, it was unhealthy! Why do you want to go back to that?"

I looked back down. "I just really missed him... He was always part of my life and now...he's gone, he won't even look at me. He promised he'll always be there for me, why is he doing this to me!" I raised my voice.

Gilbert shook her head in disbelief. "He's heartbroken, idiot. He only promised you that IF ONLY you were his man."

"That's not fair! Why can't he do that while we're friends? I told him we could be friends but he's being selfish and a jerk!"

"Matt, I think you're being selfish. Think about Alfred for a bit."

I quickly raised my head and looked at her with disbelief. I couldn't believe what she just said.

Before I could say anything, the teacher walked in, clapping his hands. "Please excuse my tardiness and get into your seat. I will like to start class right away."

As students groaned and teased the teacher about how they can't be late without any consequences, Gilbert stood up and moved the chair back to where it belonged. "We'll talk about this later." She hurried to her seat at the front of the class. Class then started as the teacher took out his book and lectured about the elements of romanticism in literature.

I couldn't focus on the class as I think about what Gilbert said. 'Selfish? Me, selfish?' I questioned her statement to herself. How can I be selfish compare to Alfred! I did anything I could to please that boy! Even when I said no, even when I said stop, I let Alfred touched me whenever he pleased. I don't understand why he doesn't want to be just friends. It'll be just like back then in middle school.

Alfred and I would always do everything together. We would play games together; eat lunch together, sleepover at our secret hide out together. I smiled at that memory.

Every Friday night, Al and I would sneak out of our rooms and bring a backpack full of junk food to our secret hideout behind Alfred's backyard. Behind Alfred's backyard, pass the fence, was an area full of trees and woods. We would always play hide-and-go seek there or tag there until we found an old stoned tower. Alfred thought it was the most magical thing he had ever found. I was more worried about us breaking any law or trespassing. Being a couple of curious sixth graders, we decided to explore the tower.

The tower has two doors, one at the front and back. It has two floors, the bottom only has the stairs and wide area separating them and on top was wide with papers all around the floor and a wooden desk and bookshelf place against the wall. Alfred was already making plans on how to decorate and rearranging additional furniture around the room. I was scared to death and I begged Alfred to leave. Ever since then, Alfred pleaded to go back. We would go back every day since then, at different hours to see if anyone owned the place. No one came so I was sure that it was safe to play around the tower. It took a lot of convincing from Alfred to stay overnight at that place. But I was glad he convinced me as most of my fun memories with him was at that place.

I smiled and giggled to myself as I think more of those memories. I was glad I sat all the way behind the classroom. One might think I was hallucinating or something with my smiles. I began to think when was the last time I went to that place.

About seven months ago, me and Alfred went and stayed at that place like good ol' times. This time, we were two high school boys full hormones and were dating each other. When Al suggested we go and sleep at the tower, I thought we were doing it for fun like back in the days. We still brought junk foods and talked and laughed and wrestled around like we were friends. I was happy, really happy to be playful with my boyfriend. When it was time to sleep, I honestly thought it was time to sleep. But Alfred had other plans. He sneak next to my sleeping bag, wrapping his arms behind me. I was startled but I turned and smiled at him.

"Dude, stop, no more sneak attacks, I'm tired-"

Alfred interrupted me as he placed his lips on mine. He kissed gently yet full of excitement. "Dude, get out for a bit."

Confused and still dazed from the kiss, I did what he told me to do. He brought his sleeping bag closer, along with extra soft blankets to create one big bed on the dusty floor.

"What are we doing?" I asked, still oblivious to Alfred's attentions. He only got closer to me and kissed me, this time pushing me down on the soft surface. He got on top of me, kissing me with increasing excitement. I was still shy about the whole touching and kissing thing but I let it go and follow along to please Alfred . He moved down to my neck, licking and biting on my sensitive spot.

"A-Ahhh..! Alfred, wait.." I moaned a bit, overcome with embarrassment and excitement. Alfred whispered how much he likes my body as he moved his hands inside my shirt and slide his fingernails against my sides down. I let out a loud yelp, unconsciously spreading my legs and arching my back a bit.

Anxiety and lust blended together. My stomach was full with butterflies, at the same time doing somersaults. I was never afraid yet excited greatly at the same time. It frightens me. But at the same time I liked it.

Alfred quickly made his place between my spread legs and grinds himself against my crotch. I eeped as I felt his harden crotch grind against mine. I began to moan as the friction increased the pleasure.

Alfred reached up inside my shirt and began teasing my nipples between his thumb and index fingers.

"Aaah!" I moaned loudly, spreading my legs wider than before. I covered my mouth quickly as I began to pant.

"Fuck, Mattie, you're so hot.." Alfred breathes out before he lean forward to kiss me.

I don't know why but I opened my mouth and that's when Alfred began to used his tongue. The tingles and sparks that he sent through my body with his tongue frighten me. It felt too good and too foreign; I felt I was being rushed. My mind was questioning all of this while my body seemed to beg more. I let a few moans, each one growing louder and louder as Alfred softly and pinched my nipples.

"God, Mattie.. Didn't knew you would be like this." Alfred laughed and smiled down at me as he stopped teasing my chest and used both hands to cup my face. He kissed me sweetly around my face. I hummed pleasingly as I enjoyed the gentle affection.

This is what I want. Slow and loving touches and kisses. My heart fluttered when it was sweet innocent.

"I'm sorry-aaah haaah!" I let an embarrassing moan as Alfred thrust his hips against mine. Just like that, the gentle atmosphere was gone and it was back to the rushing adrenaline. How exhausting.

"Don't apologize.." Alfred puffed out hot air as he looked down at me with lustful eyes.

I blushed madly, shyly looking away from him.

I felt a hand caressing on top of my harden crotch. "Do you want to..."

No. Nononono, this can't be happening! His sentence startled me and my eyes widen in fear. I wasn't ready for sex, not yet! Alfred might have sense my anxiety as he quickly corrected himself.

"I-I don't want to do anything serious.. Maybe just touch other without the clothes..?"

I was relieved that he said that but my anxiety didn't decrease as Alfred began to pull my boxers off.

"W-Wait..! Please, I'm not ready." I stuttered, trying to pull my boxers up. Alfred pouted. "Please, I promise to be gentle."

Alfred seemed serious and determined to do so. Falling into his pleading eyes. I didn't say anything but let go of my boxers.

That night, Alfred became my first to touch my most private part. He was the first to make me feel good and to almost make me scream with pleasure as I came. He was my first to also touch another member besides mine. That night was filled with excitement, emotions, and lust. Of course I liked when it was over. But the next morning, I knew I had a teeny tiny bit of regret inside of me.

I now realized that Alfred ruined everything that night. That night could have been perfect without that storm of emotions I was dealing with. He ruined our friendship that night...

I was in disgust when I thought about that. Remembering his touches made me nauseate. Why did I let this happen...

"Mr. Williams, are you alright?"

I looked up to see the teacher wandering his eyes at me worriedly and other students looking back curiously.

"You seem pale, do you need to go to the nurse?"

I nodded my head and walked up in front. He passed me a note and let be excused. As I walked to the door, Gilbert gave me a concern look. I ignored her and looked away, stepping outside the classroom and into the hall.

Me? Selfish? No fucking way. Alfred ruined everything and all I did was meeting his selfish needs.