After their lips parted, they both kept their eyes closed for several seconds.
Every inch of her skin felt like it was pulsing with electricity. Her heart was pounding in her chest, and she felt completely alive.
Castle licked his lips, and took a shaky breath. Wow, he thought.
"That was…" he began, then trailed off, opening his eyes to see a small grin flicker around the edges of her mouth.
"Something I've wanted to do for a long time," she said, also opening her eyes to look at him earnestly.
Her arms were still around his neck, and her legs were curled beneath her on the couch. Her eyes were large and dark, and they sparkled in the afternoon sun that was coming in through the windows.
One of his hands had been tangled in her hair, holding her in place as he kissed her, and now he let it drop away, resting it on her hip. His eyes searched hers in silence for long moments.
"Me too," he said at last, and she smiled, but his face remained sombre.
"Then what's wrong?" she asked, again lifting one of her hands to caress his cheek.
He sighed, closing his eyes again.
"Nothing's wrong," he said. "It's just… really fast. And I can't believe I'm saying that."
"Too fast?" she asked, in a small voice, and he frowned slightly before opening his eyes once more.
"Honestly, I'm not sure," he said. "I want this. You. Us. You know that."
She nodded slowly.
"And… but it's just… it's like I said. I need to know that this isn't because of… what's been going on lately. You mean too much to me for it to just be about that. And I know what you've said, but I think I need to really know. If that makes sense."
"I think so," she replied quietly, still stroking his cheek. "What can I do?"
"Be patient with me," he said immediately. "I just need a little time to get used to this. To accept that what I've wanted for years might actually be here. To believe it. I want to, Kate, I swear I do."
"I know," she replied, with a small and slightly sad smile on her face. "And I understand."
"Glad one of us does," he said wearily. "I'm not making a lot of sense."
"I'm so sorry I pushed you this far away," she said, her voice cracking as she thought of how differently this conversation would have gone even a month ago.
"I want to come back," he said gently, lifting his hand from her hip to cover hers against his cheek. "I want to feel sure about you. I want to know how to do that again."
She nodded, a single tear lingering on her eyelashes for a moment before falling.
I'll do whatever it takes, she thought.
He released her hand and then leaned forward and pressed his lips briefly to hers, and she felt her heart soar at the casual, natural intimacy of it. She immediately craved the sensation.
"I'm gonna need your help," he said. "And I don't even know what I'm asking for. But if you're willing to try, then so am I."
She nodded once more, then moved her arms to encircle his waist, pillowing her head against his chest. She felt his arms fold around her shoulders, and she gave a deep, shuddering sigh.
They held each other for several minutes, as two heartbeats gradually slowed to a normal pace.
His nose was buried in her hair when they both heard his phone chirp. Her stomach immediately clenched as she instinctively wondered if it was Kyra, then she felt guilty about the reaction.
"I doubt it," he murmured into the top of her head, and she lifted her head to look at him quizzically. He raised an eyebrow.
"We both know you just wondered if that text is from Kyra," he said, and she blushed.
"How do you do that?" she asked, and he just shrugged.
"I know you," he replied, and his tone conveyed the depth of meaning behind the simple phrase. Then his pupils dilated slightly and she knew he was no longer focusing on her even though he hadn't looked away.
"In some ways," he amended, in a small voice. She rubbed her palms across his lower back in slow, comforting patterns.
His phone chirped again.
"You should probably check that," she said, and he nodded with a sigh, so she reluctantly released him and sat up. She immediately felt cold, and she shivered.
Castle leaned over towards the armrest of the couch, where his jacket was draped, and fished his iPhone from a pocket. He pressed the Home button to illuminate the screen, then smiled before turning it towards Beckett.
The message notification banner read Alexis.
Beckett smiled too, and Castle gave her a knowing look before unlocking his phone and reading the message.
We're going to have dinner at 7PM. Are you going to be home?
"Everything OK?" Beckett asked, and Castle nodded.
"She's just telling me dinner's at seven, if I'm going to be there."
"Oh," she replied, glancing towards the clock on the wall. It read 4:03PM. As if on cue, her stomach rumbled.
Castle grinned, reaching for the brown paper bag on the coffee table. He handed her a bear claw with raspberry icing, and she smiled gratefully. He took the other pastry, and bit into it eagerly.
They ate in silence for a minute, and Castle quickly finished off his bear claw and then glanced over at her.
"I've not really had much time with Alexis over the last few days," he said, and she nodded in understanding.
"You should tell her you'll be home for dinner."
He looked at her for a moment, thinking.
"You should come over," he said.
She felt butterflies take flight in her stomach. There had been an undercurrent of tension between her and his daughter for a while now, and it was clear what the source of it was. She could only assume that it would be the same with Martha, although more veiled by politeness.
But I've got to push through this, she thought. She believed in ripping off the band aid instead of letting things go unresolved.
Except with him, she thought, with another stab of guilt, but she pushed that thought away. And with that, her mind was made up.
"I'd love to," she said. "As long as it's not going to intrude on your family time."
"Then it's settled," he said after a brief pause, and he picked up his phone again.
She watched him carefully, mulling over his lack of response to her implicit question. She expected him to at least say of course not or the more the merrier, or something like that. Surely he wouldn't have invited her if she'd be intruding on his time with his family.
You know very well why he didn't say anything, her mind whispered.
She swallowed. A part of her did indeed know. Another of the thousand gestures he made, day after day. The fact that this one was made with silence, by omitting a statement, didn't change how meaningful it was.
I will not screw this up, she thought. I'll do anything not to screw this up.
"Done," he said, and he hadn't even set the phone back down when it chirped again. They could both see Alexis's reply on the screen.
OK. See you both later then.
Beckett felt another flutter of nervousness, then she realised that he was watching her.
"You'll have to give her some time too," he said, and she sighed and nodded.
"I know," she replied, in a small voice. "And I've earned this."
He didn't respond for a few seconds, then he reached for his coffee and took a long swallow.
"She's just…" he began, but she interrupted.
"Protecting you."
He nodded twice, and a small smile flashed across his face as he stared down at his coffee cup.
"She loves me," he said. His voice had warmed with the statement, and she saw his expression soften. In that moment, she felt desperately jealous of Alexis, for his certainty and complete trust in the girl's feelings for him, then a wave of shame banished the jealousy just as quickly as it had appeared.
"So do I," she said quietly, and he looked up at her immediately.
His pulse had increased automatically at her words, and he searched her face for what seemed like the hundredth time that afternoon.
She raised an eyebrow uncertainly at the intense look he was giving her, and she was surprised to hear a small laugh from him.
"Just… still getting used to that," he said. "You saying it, I mean."
Her cheeks coloured slightly, but she didn't break eye contact. "You'll get used to it," she said.
I could, he thought. Been hearing it in daydreams for years already.
He upended his cup, finishing the last of his coffee, and set it down before turning towards her.
"I think I'm gonna head home," he said, and she felt disappointment well up inside her. He saw the change in her expression, and he laid a hand on her knee.
"You saw Alexis's message. I think I need to spend a little time alone with her before you come over, that's all. Father's intuition. And I'm going to see you in a few hours."
She smiled at him, and nodded. "Of course," she replied. "Go and be with your daughter. I'll come over a little before seven."
"Looking forward to it," he said, squeezing her knee before standing up. He picked up his jacket from the armrest, then looked towards the cups and empty bag on the coffee table.
"I'll clear up," she said, also getting up. He looked at her for a moment, then gave her another small smile.
"I'll see you soon," he said, and he was surprised when she took his hand and walked with him to the entranceway. They both stopped just beside the door, and he had just put his hand on the door handle when she spoke.
"Are we going to be OK?"
He turned, and his heart went out to her. Her eyes were glistening again, and he could see that she was putting a brave face on, barely containing her emotions.
I know how you feel, he thought.
He reached out and gently brushed his thumb over her cheek, catching a tear before it could fall very far. Her eyes flickered closed for a moment and she leaned into his touch.
"We're going to give it a damned good try," he said gently.
She stepped towards him, into his personal space, her eyes still fixed on his. Her hands came up and her fingertips feathered over his cheeks. After a moment, she tilted her head and leaned in to kiss him.
It was gentle and soft, lingering but filled with the promise of passion. The kind of kiss that was a message. When her lips stopped moving she kept them pressed against his for another moment, their breath mingling. Then she slowly pulled back.
"I love you," she said.
His lips parted, but she rested her forefinger against them, silencing him, then her hand slid down to his chest.
"Go home to your daughter," she said gently.
He looked into her eyes for several long moments, and it took all of his self control to keep the words inside. I love you too.
He smiled at her and nodded, then he turned, opened the door, and left.
As he reached the elevator he looked back, and she still stood there, looking around the edge of the door. She was smiling shyly.
The elevator dinged beside him, and she sighed and slowly closed the door.