Unreasonable Doubt

Disclaimer: If you recognize it, it's not mine. This story is on an AU track.

Chapter 4: Can't Go On Like This

John Munch was suspicious.

Now this, in and of itself, was not an unusual occurrence. Any of the SVU detectives would attest that he was usually suspicious of something. But that something was usually related to the government. He wouldn't deny that he was what most people would call a conspiracy theorist, but as he always reminded them, just because you're paranoid doesn't mean you're not right.

But this was different. John Munch was suspicious of Sergeant Blaine.

Ever since he'd met the man a week earlier, he'd gotten a sense from him that something was off in a way he just couldn't quite put his finger on. The longer he worked with the man, the more strange little things he came across. Not feeling comfortable with victims was one thing, but Blaine seemed to go out of his way to avoid them, ducking out of the room every time a victim was coming in for an interview.

"No one's going to force you into the interview room," Olivia had told the man a little exasperatedly, but he'd only shaken his head without answering and continued the strange behavior.

Not to mention, his organizational skills left a lot to be desired. He'd only been around a few weeks, but the degree of disarray on the desk he was using was worse than what most detectives developed over the course of years. John had been looking for the same file for twenty minutes and didn't seem to be any closer to finding it. The desk was a pile of papers, work-related and otherwise. He finally saw something that looked like the file he needed, only to groan in near-despair when he realized that wasn't it at all and all he'd done was knock a bunch of papers to the floor when he'd pulled it out. With a sigh, he began gathering them up, dropping them back onto the desk. But one inexplicably caught his eye. At first he couldn't figure out why. It was just a car rental receipt -

No, it was a receipt for the return of a rental car. 4AM the day after Laura Issac was attacked, to the same rental lot as the car that was used in the abduction.

Abandoning his search for the file, he haphazardly shoved the rest of the papers onto Blaine's desk, hoping the Atlanta Sergeant wasn't one of those people who had an order to what looked like a mess to everyone else. He didn't want the man to realize anyone had been looking through the papers on his desk. He ran over to Olivia's desk instead, going through her much better organized files until he found a copy of the invoice for the rental car. The order numbers matched.

The others would be in soon. Holding both pieces of paper, he strode into Murphy's office to wait.

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"Look, I've looked at your file. You have a tendency to see connections where none exist."

The former Sergeant almost rolled his eyes. "You're saying you're not going to listen to what I have to say because I believe the moon landing was faked and the Kennedy assassination was staged?"

"Are you listening to yourself?" Murphy asked a little incredulously.

"First of all, there's plenty of evidence to support both of those things. Second, that's not relevant right now! I found that on Blaine's desk!"

"And you found the other copy on Benson's, but you're not accusing her of anything. That transaction is a piece of our case, and even I'll admit that Blaine's desk is a mess. What's more likely, that he's somehow orchestrated the investigation into his own crimes without ever getting caught despite the fact that every single victim saw her attacker's face, or that he has them because he's investigating?"

"He avoids victims like the plague," Munch countered.

"Not everyone's comfortable with victims, I heard Amaro say as much and I agree with him. Blaine's not comfortable dealing with the victims so he leaves that to my detectives and does his work behind the scenes. That's the point I was making by comparing this to some of your other theories. Conspiracy theories exist because people see connections and draw conclusions from every insignificant detail and coincidence."

"But -"

"Drop it, Munch. We're not going to find the real doer any faster if you get stuck on this mess. And don't pull my detectives into this, either. I need them chasing down real leads."

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The entire day had been torture for Amanda, starting with that 3AM buzz on her door. Once she'd been able to get off the floor, she'd spent the entire night lying awake with her gun under her pillow. She'd realized pretty quickly what his intentions were in coming by. He hadn't expected her to let him in; he was just letting her know that he knew where she lived.

She'd half-expected something to be wrong with her car that morning and had been relieved when it had worked. But now she was driving aimlessly around the city. She couldn't go back to her apartment; what if he was waiting for her? She was so tired, she'd been driving for almost two hours and she knew she couldn't keep driving much longer, but where could she stop?

She ran down all her options. Olivia, Fin, and Nick still didn't entirely trust her after the gambling thing, and Nick in particular would be angry she'd kept this from him this long. She was basically confirming his distrust of her. She already owed Murphy way too much to go to him. Munch was a wild card and closer to each of the other three than he was to her; he could easily have picked up on their distrust. Who did that leave?

Then she heard a gentle voice in her head, a conversation she'd had months earlier. "I'm still here for you. If you ever need anything, just drop me a line. My door is open."

Finally, her driving took on a destination. She drove until she got to the familiar building and found a place to park. Hand shaking, she rang the buzzer. There was no answer.

He must be out.She considered going back to her car to wait, but it was half a block away, and she suddenly felt so tired that half a block seemed like miles. She sat down on the stoop and she waited.

Exhaustion hindered her perception of time, and she had no idea how long it was before she saw a familiar figure walking towards her. He looked up, recognizing her too. "Amanda?"

"Captain." It wasn't strictly accurate anymore, but she was so used to calling Cragen that that it was pretty much an impossible habit to break. She stood to meet him.

"What are you doing here? Are you okay?"

"No," she said, answering that question honestly for the first time in a week. "I didn't know who else to go to. I need help. I can't do this."

"Can't do what?" He reached out and laid a hand on her shoulder.

The moment she felt the gentle touch, her walls crumbled and she began to cry. He watched her in concern, quickly realizing that whatever was going on was worse, much worse, than he'd realized. "Come inside and we'll talk." He gently put an arm around her shoulders and led her in.

She nearly collapsed on the couch when they got into his apartment, and he sat down next to her. "Talk to me, Amanda. What's going on?"

She met his eyes, and they were so full of compassion and concern it made her want to cry harder. "I never told you why I had to leave Atlanta." She took a deep breath, and then she said it before anything could happen to make her hold herself back. "My sergeant raped me."

"He what?" Sudden anger filled Cragen's face, and Amanda flinched violently. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you, and it's not you I'm angry with."

"I never told anyone," she whispered. "I couldn't. I tried to forget it ever happened, and when that didn't work I tried to at least act like it, but I couldn't do that either, that's why my gambling got so out of control so fast." She swallowed. "He copycatted a serial rapist he was chasing. That rapist - he's in New York now, and so is Sergeant Blaine. He's working with SVU to catch this guy, and he's been following me around, making comments. Last night he showed up at my apartment, so now I can't even go home. He might be waiting for me."

"You haven't told the team?" he asked softly, careful to avoid any tone of accusation.

"I can't," she sobbed. "Just before you left - I had a relapse. I went back to gambling, and I spiraled down even faster this time. While Olivia was in command, I got into a mess with this club. It would've been a lot worse except one of the enforcers was actually an undercover cop and he brought me in on his bust. I lost the trust of all the SVU detectives, how can they trust me on this after that? How can I expect them to? I'm so scared, I don't know what to do."

He took her shaking hands in his and held them tightly. "I know them at least as well as you do, Amanda, and whatever you've done, they willbelieve you."

"They'll never forgive me for keeping this from them."

"Yes, they will. Because you can't be expected to be rational about something like this, and they know it. And deep down, so do you." He squeezed her hands. "You need to tell, Amanda. It isn't fair to you to have to live in fear and it's not right to have someone like that walking around unchallenged. We can do it right here," he offered. "I'll call one of the detectives and I'll be by your side the whole time."

"Okay," she whispered. "Okay, I'll do it." She was still so scared she felt like she couldn't breathe, but if Cragen was there, she thought maybe she'd be able to get up the courage.

"Who do you want me to call?" He was going to give her as much control over this process as he possibly could.

"Olivia." This was going to be hard no matter who was taking her statement, but at least she wouldn't be quite starting at square one with the Sergeant.

"Okay."

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It was a confused Olivia who showed up on her former boss' doorstep, and her confusion was joined by concern when she saw the pained look on his face. "What is it?"

"Rollins is here," he said softly. "She needs to talk to you."

"To me?" Olivia repeated. "About what?"

"I think you should ask her that yourself." By now they'd reached the front door of his apartment, and he pushed it open. Amanda was still sitting on the couch, wrapped in a blanket Cragen had slipped over her shoulders. Even without Cragen, Olivia would have known something was seriously wrong. The blonde had clearly been crying.

"Amanda?" Olivia asked gently. "What is it?"

She sat up a little and swallowed, reaching out to grab Cragen's hand. "Do you - do you remember when I told you something happened to me on the job in Atlanta?"

She did remember that conversation. Amanda had shut it down almost before it had started, and Olivia hadn't pushed her.

"You said not pursuing it is how they win. Well, I think you were right, and I can't let him win anymore." She began to cry again. "Sergeant Blaine raped me in Atlanta." It was easier, somehow, to say it the second time.

As Olivia sat in shocked silence, Amanda told her everything, all the details she'd left out of the condensed version she'd told Cragen. She told Olivia about how her car had been tampered with and how Blaine had offered her a ride. She told her about all the comments he'd made, lauding the White Knight's methods and insulting her. She told her about the assault itself, shaking uncontrollably as she relived every horrible detail of that night. And she told her about the call he'd paid her in the wee hours of the morning.

"I know you don't trust me," she finished, "and I know I deserved to lose your trust. But please, believe me on this. I would never say something like this unless it was true. Please..."

"Oh, sweetheart, of course I believe you," Olivia replied, feeling her throat sting with a desire to cry. "I know things have been strained between us since your undercover, but this - I could never doubt you about something like this." She paused to compose herself. "I know this is going to be hard for you, but we have to tell the rest of the team."

"I can't," she whispered. "I didn't talk about it at all for three years, and then I've already told my story twice just tonight. I can't do it again, not now, I'm so tired, I just want to rest."

"I know," Olivia told her gently, and she did. She remembered how she'd felt after Lewis; so physically and emotionally exhausted she just wanted to curl up in a ball and sleep for days. "Listen, I'll tell them what you told me. If you don't want to be in the room, you don't have to be, just be in the building, then if they have any questions they can ask you."

"Who are we talking about?" The resigned tone in her voice suggested she was ready to agree.

"Fin, Amaro, Murphy, and Munch."

"Okay."

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Olivia was greeted with a series of annoyed looks from the group of four assembled in the interview room, but she knew that would fade as soon as she told them what was going on.

"Still waiting on Rollins and Blaine," Fin informed her.

"Rollins already knows what I'm about to tell you, and Blaine wasn't invited." She felt her stomach twist just thinking about what kind of a monster she'd been interacting with.

And then she told them.

The looks on their faces mirrored what she knew her own must have looked like when Rollins had told her. She'd left out a few of the graphic details for the sake of simplicity and to protect her friend's privacy, but what she told them was more than enough.

"He copycattedthe White Knight?" Fin asked furiously. "The man he's supposedly working to bring down?"

"Maybe not," Munch said softly. He sent a look to Murphy, almost daring the man to stop him, but the Lieutenant only nodded. What they'd just learned made the older man's theory seem a lot less like wild speculation and a lot more like a genuine possibility. "I was looking for a file on Blaine's desk early this morning, and I found a receipt for the return of the same rental car that was used to abduct Laura Issac."

"That document wasn't in the file you and I got from the agency," Olivia said softly, starting to realize what Munch was getting at.

"I know," he said softly.

"You don't think -"

"It would explain a lot. Why he always runs out of the room when the victims show up. He doesn't want them to see him because they could identify him."

Murphy gave a long sigh. "All right. We'll arrest him first thing in the morning. In the meantime, no contact between him and any of us. The last thing we want to do is tip him off."

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Amanda tensed instinctively when the crib door banged open but relaxed again when she recognized the figure standing there. "Nick..." she began uncertainly. "Nick, I'm s -"

"Don't," he said firmly. "Don't you dare say you're sorry. None of this is your fault, you hear me? None." He opened his arms to her and she stepped into them, letting him wrap her up in a warm hug. "We're not going to let him hurt you again, Amanda. I promise."

"What Nick said," came her partner's voice from the doorway. "That son of a bitch is not coming near you again."

"Liv told us he's been bothering you at home," Nick added, and felt her nod against his shoulder. "You can sleep at my place tonight. I already told her and Murphy you'd be staying with me. Fin's going to go take a look at your place in case he's hanging around."

No words would come to her, and so she allowed him to lead her out to his car.

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Amanda was practically asleep on her feet by the time Nick pulled his car into his driveway, and he put his arm on her shoulders to walk her inside. She watched intently as he locked the door.

He walked her up the stairs to his bedroom and sat her on his bed. "This door locks from the inside," he explained gently. "Maria and I put it in so Zara wouldn't walk in on us. If you lock this and the bathroom door, there's no way for anyone to get in unless you let them. You want something to sleep in?" He pulled out a pair of gym shorts and a t-shirt without waiting for an answer. She took them just as silently and slipped into the bathroom to change. She wanted a hot shower, but she was so tired she thought she might not make it through one.

Nick was changed too when she came out of the bathroom, wearing something similar to what he'd given her. "Come on, let's get you into bed."

"Why aren't you mad at me?" she asked suddenly. "I've been lying to you for a week, and you're acting like you don't care about that at all. I expected you to be mad at me."

He pulled her into his arms. "Oh, Amanda, I'm not mad, not at all. I'm just sorry you didn't think you could come to me. Whatever I did to make you think that, I'm sorry. That man tortured you day after day, and I'm sorry I didn't see it."

He was apologizing to her? "I should've told you."

"Shh, it's okay," he soothed, gently running his hands over her back. "He scares you, I know he does. Whatever your reasons, I know you didn't do this to deceive me. How could I ever be mad at you for this?" He laid a gentle kiss on her hair.

She clung to him, her fingers tight in his shirt. "You won't let him hurt me?" She hated the words even as they slipped from her mouth, it sounded so childlike and needy.

But Nick didn't seem to mind. "No, Amanda. I won't let him hurt you."

She briefly entertained the thought that she wanted to stay here, in his embrace, forever, but that thought was interrupted as her body finally did what it had been threatening to do all night and gave out completely. Her knees buckled, and if Nick hadn't had his arms around her, she would have fallen.

"Oh, you're exhausted," he said, worry evident in his voice. "Come on." He carried her the last few feet to the bed and laid her down. "You know where the guest room is, if you need me during the night."

"You're not going to stay here?"

"I didn't know if you'd be okay with that." He lightly stroked her forehead, pushing her hair back. "The last thing I want to do is push you into something you're uncomfortable with."

"Please stay," she whispered. "Please, I - I don't think I can deal with being alone right now."

He slid into the bed next to her, and she reached out to him weakly. He did the rest, drawing her into his arms. "Just go to sleep," he whispered. "I won't let anyone hurt you."

I've had that opening line in mind for months, I'm so excited that I finally get to use it.

Just another reminder considering the content of the most recent SVU episode (and what it suggests we may see later in the season), this story no longer takes much of that into account (although what was in the episode fits well enough into this story) since I can't keep adapting my fanfic ideas to fit whatever twists the show throws in. To be absolutely clear, the end of Thought Criminal and the Amaro plot in Spring Awakening never happened in this timeline.

Please review.