Chapter 2: A Spirit Broken
Every village Solas visited was abuzz with news of the Herald's death. The whole world seemed to be mourning her passing. When he could bring himself to ask people what had happened, everyone seemed to have a different theory regarding the circumstances of her death, ranging from assassination, to being pushed from a tower, to it being an inside job orchestrated by her closest advisors. He would have to reach Skyhold to learn the truth.
The trip had only lasted two days, and he was escorted into the main courtyard by an old guard who had recognized him. His heartbeat fluttered in nervous anxiety as he ascended the steps towards the main hall. As he sauntered inside, he was greeted by Varric, who had been conversing with Iron Bull. "Welcome back, Chuckles," the dwarf stated rather joylessly. "You'll have to pardon my lack of enthusiasm. It's been a rough week," he added with a frown. Iron Bull looked at him and simply nodded with a grunt. Solas nodded in return as he approached the door to his old rotunda.
"I'll show you to your room," said a crisp, authoritative voice. It was Commander Cullen. Solas didn't say a word. He simply bowed his head and followed, surprised that he was being led to Alessa's chambers rather than his previous quarters. As they reached the door to her room, Cullen spoke again. "I'll leave you to get settled in and will send somebody for you in an hour. I figure you will want to say your final goodbyes to her in private, away from prying eyes," the commander said gloomily. "The public funeral will take place tomorrow morning," he added as he turned to leave.
Before Cullen could take a step towards the door, Solas gently grasped his hand and questioned, "How?" Solas noticed Cullen's eyes sink as he started to speak, "An assassin posed as a foreign dignitary to gain access to the main hall. As she extended her hand to shake Elessa's, she twisted a serrated blade between Elessa's ribs. Elessa killed her instantly, but the damage was already done. It was a poison that we've never encountered, and it negated any magical or medicinal attempts to clot the wound. She bled to death in a little less than two days." Cullen said quietly before exiting.
Two days... Solas thought dejectedly as he buried his face in his hands and took a deep breath. He turned it over in his head repeatedly. How much pain had she endured as her blood was slowly escaping her body, leaving her colder and weaker with each passing breath? She of all people did not deserve such an ending, he grimaced. Though he was in great pain, tears wouldn't come. He had cried almost endlessly over the past two days. His well was dry for the moment.
Both Varric and Cullen had been unusually tolerant and accepting. Bull didn't say anything either. Their behavior wasn't rational, Solas thought. He expected to be greeted with animosity and loathing, and in the case of Sera, Iron Bull, and Dorian, physical violence. Elessa must have told his former acquaintances something for them to act this way.
As Solas glanced across the room, he noticed that not much had changed. The only thing that was different was the addition of shelves full of toys and children's books against a once empty wall. He wondered if his son would accept him. He was apprehensive, as he had never spent much time around children. He didn't know how to be a father, and the thought of letting down Elessa or his son scared him.
He opened the doors to the balcony and walked outside as he inhaled the familiar cold mountain air. A brief smile graced his face as memories flashed before his eyes of warm summer nights spent outside on that same balcony talking under the stars. How many nights had he carried her to bed after she had fallen asleep out there, sometimes mid-sentence? How many times had he laid with her in that bed lightheartedly exchanging stories with her?
His reminiscing was suddenly interrupted by a knock at the door. "Come in," Solas announced, assuming that it was Cullen's escort. To his surprise, it was Dorian. Of all people, why him, thought Solas. He and Dorian had never gotten along well. Dorian was Elessa's best friend, and the Tevinter would often tease him about his clothing or try to incite childish arguments. Everything always seemed like a competition with him.
As Dorian came in, Solas bowed his head without saying a word. "Nothing to say," Dorian questioned nonchalantly. The two sat in silence for a few minutes before Dorian finally shoved Solas' shoulder angrily with one hand and said, "Five years! Five fucking years, and you don't have a thing to say? Do you have any idea what you did to her?!" Solas looked up at him gloomily. As his barren eyes met Dorian's, he was greeted with a hard punch to the face that whipped his head around and sent him staggering backwards. Solas slowly looked up to face him again, blood seeping out of the fresh cut on the side of his mouth. Solas appeared almost completely devoid of emotion as Dorian yelled, "Say something, asshole," and slammed both of his hands into Solas' shoulders, sending him falling backwards against the hard stone wall.
Solas didn't care how much Dorian hit him. In his mind, anything her friends did to him, up to and including killing him was justified. He sat slumped against the wall with his head down for a few seconds before finally uttering, "Thank you," which earned a puzzled expression on Dorian's face. "I do not know what Elessa told everybody, but you are the first person to dignify my presence with any real emotion. I deserve this and so much worse," Solas commented sorrowfully.
Everything that Dorian remembered about Solas' poise was gone - that obnoxious half smile he always wore when talking to Elessa, the perfectly straight, confident posture, the look of arrogance and condescension always permeating his stupid, smug face. His eyes were sullen and vacant. The man who stood before him was completely broken, and Dorian instantly regretted breaking his promise to Elessa. Dorian reached out both hands apologetically as he pulled Solas to his feet and handed him a handkerchief to clean the blood off of his mouth. "I'll take you to see her," he said blankly.
Elessa's casket was in the large room next to the throne area, in the blacksmith's shop. Dorian escorted him into the room but stayed in the doorway respectfully. Running herds of halla had been intricately carved along the sides of the wood, no doubt the work of a very talented elven woodworker. The sides were adorned with elegant white diamonds.
Solas' heart suddenly felt as if it would stop as he laid eyes on his lovely Elessa - his vhenan. She was just as beautiful now as the day he fell in love with her, only now she was slightly thinner, her cheeks more gaunt, and her once vibrant complexion had faded in death. He lowered his hand to her cold forehead and lightly traced the blank space where her vallaslin had once been. As he brushed her hair behind her ears, as he had always done, tears flowed freely as he reflected on their final moments in the fade.
His heart cried out for her as he whimpered, "You are and always have been my one true love. I am lost, ma vhenan, and I do not know how to live without you. I do not wish to live without you." His tears increased steadily as he blubbered, "I have not forgotten my promise to you, and I will do my best to raise our son and make you proud," he sobbed as he placed her left hand into his hands. The mark covering her hand from the anchor was still there, the magic long gone - another reminder of his mistakes.
He broke down completely, barely able to breathe, as he cried out, "I don't know if I can honor your last wish. How can I ever forgive myself? Nothing I do will ever fix this or make me feel worthy of love again." He kissed her hand over the anchor as he bawled against her for several minutes. Dorian's eyes welled up with tears upon seeing Solas' devastation and hearing his demoralized words. He never would have guessed that Solas could feel such pain. He covered his face with his sleeve as he wiped his eyes and turned towards the wall.
Finally Solas bent down and cradled her head in his right arm. He kissed her forehead and then her lips, tears rolling down his face and landing on hers. "Ma'arlath, ma' sa'lath (I love you, my one true love)," he lamented as he held her. How he wished that this was a sick, cruel joke being played on him as punishment for his actions. How he hoped against all odds that she would spring to life and return his kisses. He pressed his forehead to hers as he cradled her upper torso in his arms and slowly rocked.
Suddenly he felt a sharp and sudden pain radiating all the way around his left forearm as if he were caught in a bear trap. He looked down to see a white wolf cub firmly attached to his arm and trying to drag him backwards. He knew who it was but didn't know how to react, so he endured the sharp pain from his son's teeth and allowed the cub to gnaw on his arm. Cassandra immediately sprinted in after him and screamed, "Da'Fen! Release him this instant!" To her horror, the cub didn't relent and bit down even harder around Solas' arm. A stream of blood was now running steadily down the arm and dripping onto the floor. "NOW," she shouted as she approached them both.
The child hesitated a few more seconds and then relinquished his grip as he transformed back into a human. Solas ignored the pain from his bloody arm and tucked it behind his back, not wanting to scare the child. As Solas looked at Da'Fen for the first time, he saw many striking resemblances to Elessa. His son possessed her bright blue-green eyes, her chestnut-colored hair, and her mouth. He also had Solas' ears, nose, and forehead. Da'Fen was a beautiful child, and Solas smiled at him through the pain, tears still in his eyes.
"Come here, Da'Fen," Cassandra ordered as she apologized to Solas. "But Aunty Cass," the child protested. "That man tried to take Mamae away from her new bed! She needs her sleep so she can play with me and read me stories." Solas' heart sank, and he began to weep again. Of course a four year old would not understand the permanence of death, he thought. Solas looked towards Cassandra and Dorian, and both of them were overwhelmed with tears and in the same grief-stricken State.
Da'Fen looked up at Solas and growled sternly, "I'm sorry I made you cry, but you need to leave Mamae in her bed!" If you don't, I'll bite you." Solas couldn't help but notice that his son had inherited that same tenacious and unbreakable personality that Elessa had. No matter how difficult the path that lay in front of her, no matter how bad the odds, she seemed incapable of giving up. It was one of many things that he adored in her.
Solas held back tears as he nodded to his son and said in a soft voice, "I apologize, Da'len. My name is Fen'Harel." He extended his hand as he smiled to Da'Fen, who cautiously shook it and then skipped back towards Cassandra to take her hand. Cassandra led the child out of the room and left Dorian and Solas to grieve in peace.
Once they were gone, Solas looked at Alessa and said, "He's beautiful, vhenan." He began to weep again and draped his right arm over his face. His left arm hung down at his side, blood still dripping down his hand and pooling on the floor. He needed medical attention, but he didn't want to be separated from Elessa, so he completely ignored it.
Dorian slowly approached the casket. Without a word, he reached across Solas' neck and rested his hand on his shoulder as he pulled him into a hug. Though it confused him at first, Solas submitted. As Dorian embraced him, Solas tucked his face into Dorian's shoulder, wailing hysterically until he felt there was nothing left to let out. The release was truly freeing, as if thousands of years of grief had manifested in that single moment.
For the first time since Elessa died, Solas felt truly comforted. For the first time in years, Solas felt as if he wasn't alone. Dorian was the last person who Solas would expect to give him support, yet there he was, engaged in the single most compassionate gesture that anyone outside of Elessa had ever shown him. Dorian waited several minutes for Solas to regain his composure before finally saying, "Let's get you cleaned up." He took Solas' hand and led him out of the room.