Chapter 4: Familiarization

Solas woke up enveloped in sadness once again. This routine was becoming a habit, and he scolded himself for visiting his happiest memories of her each night. He was always left unfulfilled, empty, and wanting more, yet he couldn't stop.

He likened it to lyrium addiction. He was willing to hurt himself time and time again for those brief fixes of smiles, laughs, and kisses, despite the fact that what he was doing would only prolong his suffering. One more night, he told himself as he inhaled deeply – elfroot and jasmine.

There was a sudden knock at the door. Solas unlatched the lock and ushered Cassandra and Da'Fen into the quarters. "May I have a moment," she requested as Da'Fen happily scampered across the room towards his toys. "Of course," Solas replied. Cassandra opened the doors to the balcony and motioned for him to follow.

"I came to ask your intentions with regards to Da'Fen, Solas. The fact that you're here leads me to believe that Elessa found you in her final moments," Cassandra stated bluntly. Solas glanced at the seeker and replied, "I understand, but before I answer your question, do you mind telling me what Elessa last told you?"

"I wasn't planning on divulging this," the seeker said, "But since you asked, I will respond honestly. Before she died, Elessa told us your real identity and tried to explain the weight that your name carries. I did not understand how she could still love you so much, but her dying request was that we try to forgive you and do our best to help you to raise and protect Da'Fen if and when you return."

Cassandra closed her eyes briefly and then looked up at Solas as she let out a long, audible sigh. Solas noticed the dark circles under her eyes – signs that she wasn't sleeping much, likely because she was acting as a full time nanny and bodyguard in addition to her other duties. He would need to thank her at some point for her dedication, Solas admitted.

Her eyes also conveyed a great deal of sadness, and Solas could tell that she was holding back information. "Please continue," he requested quietly. "It might be hard to swallow," she remarked as she glanced up at him questioningly. Solas nodded for her to continue.

"Cullen told me he filled you in on the overall details, but what he didn't mention was how torturous it was to watch her suffer over those two days, powerless to do anything to help her or to ease her suffering. When she was within hours of dying, Elessa took a powerful sleeping potion so that she could find you one last time without the excruciating pain ripping her from her dreams."

Cassandra's eyes were brimming with tears as she continued, "During the last twelve hours it was awful for her. Though she shook uncontrollably and could barely speak through the agony, Elessa still smiled at us in reassurance. She was especially worried about Dorian and asked me to keep an eye on him after she passed." Cassandra wiped fresh tears from her eyes. "Even in the face of anguish and imminent death, she still put others' feelings above her own. How typical of her," she chuckled joylessly.

The realization of her pain over those two days compounded by the resurgence of his memories sent tears tumbling rapidly down Solas' cheeks. He crossed his arms underneath his face and leaned over the balcony as he reminisced.

Elessa had empathized with others so easily. She had been kicked around and had experienced the cruelty of the world first-hand, yet she remained unusually kind in a way that only someone in her position could be. She put her neck out to save Blackwall and was the first to forgive him when she learned his dark secrets. She had almost instantly befriended Dorian, even though his people had enslaved and murdered elves for thousands of years. Though she had more reason than anybody to hate him, she even found a way to forgive the dread wolf.

Solas took a few long breaths to calm down as he remembered Cassandra's original request. "My intention is to do my best to raise Da'Fen in a way that will make Elessa proud," he announced. "I do not expect forgiveness for my actions, and I do not intend for you to suffer my presence much longer, but with regards to my son, I will stay as long as is needed for him to grieve."

Cassandra placed a hand on Solas' shoulder as she spoke sincerely. "You are quite welcome to stay as long as you like, and while I don't know much about raising children, I will answer any questions that you might have to the best of my abilities." Solas smiled gratefully. As she turned to head back into the room, she asked if he would like to spend some time getting to know Da'Fen. Solas nodded timidly and followed her back inside.

His son was playing with three wooden horse figurines when Solas sat down cross-legged next to him. "You're the man from yesterday. Your name means 'wolf,' too," Da'Fen said cheerfully as he handed Solas one of the horses. Solas examined the craftsmanship of the toy and wondered how the child could be so cheerful at such a time. "Indeed," said Solas as he moved the horse realistically across the ground next to Da'Fen's two horses, earning the child's approval.

Da'Fen stopped suddenly and looked up at Solas with a confident smirk as he commented, "Did you know that my father is the king of the wolves?" Solas was completely shocked by the statement and didn't know what to say. He didn't want to lie, but he also didn't want his son to be shocked by his identity with the funeral just hours away. He said nothing but couldn't control the wide grin of approval blanketing his face. When was the last time he had smiled like that, he wondered.

Solas decided to change the subject. "Of all of your toys, which one is your favorite, Da'len," he questioned, expecting his son to pick out a toy and show him. "They're in Aunty Cass' and Uncle Cullen's room," Da'Fen answered promptly. "But I can show you later if you want," he offered enthusiastically. "I would like that," replied Solas with a smile as he continued to move the horses around the floor with his son.

Children were amused by such simple things, Solas thought. How nice it must be not to have the weight of the world and a lifetime of mistakes and regret looming over you, eating away every bit of happiness and taking away everything that mattered. Solas couldn't remember when he was that young and wondered if he had been as pure and carefree.

"What happened to your face," Da'Fen asked suddenly. Solas touched the cut along his mouth and realized that he had completely forgotten to heal it. "I ran into something," he replied vaguely, deciding that his answer was more of an omission than a lie, since he technically ran into Dorian's fist... with his face. His son didn't press the issue, so they continued playing with the horses until another knock at the door interrupted them.

"Come in," Solas shouted. It was Leliana. "I came to check on your arm and to discuss something with you and Cassandra," Leliana announced. Solas got up from his position, apologized to his son for leaving, and followed the two women out onto the balcony.

Solas pulled up his sleeve and took off the bandage while Leliana examined it. "I can't believe he did that," gasped Cassandra in astonishment. "Leliana said the exact same thing last night," Solas chuckled as Leliana put a new bandage over the wound, pleased that there were no signs of infection.

"How often does he change form," Solas asked Cassandra, who considered the question before replying. "He was taught not to change in front of people, but he's been doing it often in the past few days because his emotions have been volatile. He tends to turn into a wolf whenever he feels hurt or threatened, and I don't believe he can control it too well."

"I see," Solas responded casually to Cassandra, who immediately flipped the question back to him by asking if he could change into a wolf as well. "Yes, I am perfectly capable, but I rarely utilize it," he answered frankly.

Solas could remember a time when he was exactly the same way as his son. Whenever he had been endangered in the past, he would often change forms, and now that he had regained a great deal of power, his wolf form was extremely lethal.

"That reminds me," Leliana commented. "I believe it would be best if you continue to go by 'Solas' because I believe that if your true identity gets out, it might attract a lot of attention and put Da'Fen in greater danger." Cassandra and Solas both nodded in agreement.

"Exactly how many people know my identity," he demanded. "As far as I know, Elessa told Cullen, Leliana, Dorian, Blackwall, Iron Bull, Varric, Josephine, Cole, and me," Cassandra answered. "She didn't tell Sera because of her intense fears regarding magic, and I don't believe she told anybody else."

"That's a lot of people," Solas said as he shifted his feet uncomfortably. He was prepared to resume using his true name and face any and all consequences, but Leliana was right, and Solas did not want to endanger his son further.

"Perhaps it was not the best idea that I introduced myself to my son as Fen'Harel yesterday," Solas announced. He would need to have a chat with him later about the subject. "You're probably right, but he might not even remember it. I guess we can find out later," presumed Cassandra.

"I'll talk to the others about the name situation," Leliana promised before changing the subject. "The main reason I am here is to discuss security," she declared as she scanned Cassandra and then Solas.

"In light of recent events and multiple failed kidnapping and assassination attempts, I want to make sure that Da'Fen is watched carefully. As the divine, I will be pressed with other responsibilities, but I assure you that all guards are on high alert," Leliana asserted.

She looked at Cassandra as she addressed her. "I assume that both you and Cullen will be expected to speak, so I want to make sure that anybody who is with Da'Fen knows to be extremely vigilant and to keep him away from the crowd."

Solas wondered how Leliana was able to perform her religious duties adequately while spending so much time as Skyhold's spymaster, a title he assumed she would have renounced long ago. "I will stay with him and will not let him out of my sight the entire time," Solas vowed. "Additionally, we will keep him off to the side during the funeral," pledged Cassandra. "I guess that brings our meeting to a conclusion then," Leliana smiled before excusing herself to talk to the others.

Cassandra and Solas walked back inside. "We should get ready for the funeral," Cassandra said as she walked towards Da'Fen. "Since you will be accompanying Da'Fen, would you like us to come get you when it's about to start," she asked. "That would be greatly appreciated," responded Solas graciously.

Da'Fen put his horses back on his shelf and approached Solas. He smiled up at him as he said, "I had fun playing with you today. Can we play again later?" Once again Solas was smiling as he answered softly, "Feel free to come back any time, Da'len." His son waved goodbye to him as he was escorted through the door by Cassandra.

Solas had been terrified at the thought of raising his son, but he suddenly found himself smiling at the realization that he was looking forward to seeing him again. Da'Fen was a curiosity, and Solas wanted to know more about his life – more about how his mother had raised him. While he was still reticent and feared that he might not be a good enough father, he was glad that he had been given the opportunity. His son was precious, and Solas wanted to protect him and teach him, not out of obligation or duty, but out of paternal love.