Chapter 5: What You Leave Behind

The time for the funeral had finally arrived, and Solas followed Cullen, Cassandra, and Da'Fen down the stairs and into the main hall, where the Inquisitor's throne had been temporarily replaced by the casket. There were many people therein who had come to pay their final respects to Elessa, and Solas recognized some of the people who the Inquisition had helped in the past, such as Empress Celine, Briala, and King Alistair.

Varric, Blackwall, Josephine, Iron Bull, Sera, Vivienne, Morrigan, and Leliana all stood up front, between the crowd and Da'Fen, which was definitely a boon to the child's safety during the service led by Mother Giselle. Solas wished that Cole was there, but he understood perfectly well why the spirit had left Skyhold for that week. Though he wanted nothing more than to help people, the sadness saturating the atmosphere was just too cumbersome for him to bear.

The entire Lavellan clan was in attendance as well, and Solas wondered if they had known that her vallaslin had been removed prior to the funeral. He remembered the day he had removed it as if it were yesterday, and it ranked among both his happiest and his saddest memories. What a strange dichotomy, he thought briefly as he looked around the room.

Da'Fen held Cullen's hand, and the group of four joined Dorian off to the side, right outside of the door to Elessa's quarters. Dorian's eyes were red and stained from tears, evidence that he had said his final goodbyes. "Hi Uncle Dorian," Da'Fen said eagerly. Though Dorian was heartbroken, he looked down and flashed a beautiful smile as he said hello to the child.

Cullen used his free hand to steady a sheet of parchment that he had prepared for the occasion while Da'Fen tried to swing his arm out as far as possible, which distracted him from studying his speech. Cassandra stood behind Cullen and rubbed his shoulders in encouragement.

Solas found himself wondering how long the couple had been together and if they had ever married. He was also curious about the circumstances surrounding them falling in love with each other, given that he knew them both to be rather shy, especially in matters of the heart. It wasn't really appropriate to ask at the time, so he tabled the idea for later.

"Why are all these people here," Da'Fen asked Cullen curiously. Though the question was straightforward, it was difficult for the commander to answer. Cullen was rather sensitive and wished that Cassandra would answer all of Da'Fens questions instead. Finally Cullen replied, hoping not to upset him, "Because your mother helped many people, and they are here to say goodbye."

Da'Fen watched people approach the casket and pay their final respects to his mother, then he looked up at Cassandra and asked, "Can I go see her, too?" The four adults looked at each other uncomfortably for a few seconds before Solas finally volunteered to take him. He wasn't fond of the idea, but Cassandra and Cullen had done so much for his son already, and Dorian was not in any shape to take him. Besides, he wanted to start taking more responsibility for his son. Solas picked up Da'Fen and quietly walked over to the casket.

Solas was content with the goodbyes from the night before and was determined to stay strong. He told himself that it would be alright as long as he focused on his son. He glanced at Elessa and watched his son meticulously as Da'Fen stared expressionless at his mother for several minutes. Finally Solas said, "Is there anything that you would like to say to your mother, Da'len?"

Da'Fen spent a few more minutes in quiet reverence and finally said, "I love you, Mamae. I wish you could wake up and play with me. I miss when you tuck me in at night, and your hugs and your kisses. I miss your voice." It took everything Solas had in him not to tear up. Finally Da'Fen looked up at Solas and asked, "Are you going to say anything to Mamae?"

Solas didn't want to say anything. He knew he would not be strong enough to keep his composure if he spoke from his heart; however, he could not deny his son's request. He questioned how a child could gaze upon his deceased mother and say such loving and honest things without crying.

Did he really think she was going to wake up? Was he holding everything in, or perhaps maybe he was in shock – his emotions completely dulled because the gravity of the situation was just too difficult to grasp? Solas' heart raced, his stomach felt as if it was twisting rapidly into itself, and a part of him wanted to scream out.

He took a deep breath as he said his final words in fluent ancient elven: "Thank you for everything, my heart. I love you more than there are stars in the sky, and my greatest wish is that you could be here by my side to raise our son together. I am filled with much regret and longing, and my heart will cry out for you until the day I die. Please be at peace and know that I will do my best to honor your wishes. Goodbye, my love."

As Solas finished his eulogy, he could no longer keep his feelings at bay. He was once again filled with sorrow, and his tears streamed rapidly down his cheeks as he stared at Elessa wishing that circumstances had been different. Da'Fen didn't understand what Solas had said and looked up at him to ask, but when he saw the sorrow permeating his face, he decided to remain silent. Instead he hesitantly grasped the adult's hand and quietly led him back to the others.

Upon seeing Da'Fen return with his heartbroken father, Cassandra called the child over to her side. Solas bowed towards her and disappeared behind the door to Elessa's quarters – his quarters. He slumped down on the stairs and buried his head in his lap as he sobbed.

"Uncle Dorian," Da'Fen interjected after Solas had left. "Why was that man so sad?" Dorian, whose eyes were brimming over with tears, whimpered joylessly, "It is because that man loves your mother more than anyone can imagine." Da'Fen immediately asked if he was coming back. Dorian nodded his head in confirmation before disappearing behind the door, once again overtaken by uncontrollable sobbing.

"I wish Uncle Dorian and that man were not so sad," Da'Fen said innocently to Cassandra and Cullen. The boy decided at that point not to say anything else. He wasn't used to seeing adults cry and had decided that he didn't like it.

Truth be told, Dorian was having a very rough time. He thought he had made it past the worst of his grief and had said his goodbyes in the days prior, but he was horribly mistaken. Like Solas, he had loved Elessa more than anyone could imagine, and the pain was like daggers to his heart.

The two had become inseparable over those five years, especially after Solas had left Elessa. They had been there for each other through the darkest and most depressing moments of each others' lives - through Dorian's family issues, Solas' departure, the birth of Da'Fen, and Dorian's breakup with Iron Bull. He had stayed out of fondness for her, and unlike Solas, who had a son to raise, Dorian felt as if he was completely lost and without purpose.

Cassandra and Cullen worried for him, but they had been so busy and didn't quite know how to help the Tevinter. Elessa was right in worrying about his well-being, though, and Leliana had spies watching him, just in case his mind slipped into the darkest of places and he decided to do something drastic.

Solas was initially surprised to see Dorian opening the door to join him in the stairwell but knew the second he heard the sobs why he had come. Solas moved over to the side as Dorian sat down next to him in the tight area, assuming the same position – his head buried in his lap, bawling into his arms.

The two men sat next to each for a few minutes before Solas finally put his arm around Dorian's shoulder and said, "You do realize that we are both hopeless. I mean, I always knew that she would be my undoing, but I never thought that you were in the same predicament."

With that, Solas stood up and extended his hand to the other man. Dorian sniffled into his sleeve one last time and accepted the gesture. "Yeah, I guess you have a point there, my friend," Dorian responded as they sauntered back out to rejoin the group.

Shifting his footing often, Da'Fen couldn't stand still, especially once the speeches started. Solas could tell that his son was bored, so he reached into his pocket and pulled out one of his son's wooden horse figurines and presented it to him. Da'Fen's face lit up as he happily took it and pretended that it was running up and down Cassandra's arms and legs. Solas was quite amused by his son's actions and couldn't help but smile at the boy.

There were lots of speeches given that day, as she had touched so many lives. Solas didn't really care for the ones that paraded her titles and acts of heroism. Though she was no doubt a hero, Elessa was so much more than the sum of her actions. The entirety of Thedas would remember her for these actions, but it was her closest friends and the people she touched individually who would remember her instead for her kindness, selflessness, and generosity. To her closest friends, she would always remain the one person who could light up the darkest of places with her unusually bright spirit.

Josephine gave a speech relating to how Elessa had helped to remove the hit on her family, Iron Bull divulged the details of his exile and her decision to save the chargers over forming a powerful alliance, and Blackwall spoke of her forgiveness for him. When Celine reflected on the greatest game ever played at Halamshiral, Solas recalled another one of his fondest memories – dancing with Elessa out on the balcony at the ball.

Of all of the speeches given, Solas found that Cullen's had resonated with him the most. The commander had discussed his struggle with lyrium addiction in full detail and was quite endearing in his depiction of her kind and loving personality. Elessa had believed in him when he thought that he would break, and she had been patient with him and had comforted him when he was in his darkest hours.

Solas had no idea that any of this had ever taken place, and hearing the story for the first time brought tears to his eyes once more. As he scanned the room, he realized that he was not the only one – There wasn't a dry eye to be found, except on Da'Fen, who was still happily playing with his horses.

*Additional Notes: The next chapter should be up tonight after I edit it.

*Spoilers*
The dread wolf might make an appearance...