~A/N~ It's the penultimate chapter! Special thanks to The Sarcasm Master, Applause2014, Bardic Jester (thanks for the tips!), The Abysswalker, and Creaturemaster for being dedicated, regular reviewers and thanks to anyone else who took time out of their day to drop a review. So, without anymore stalling, enjoy (and maybe leave a review :3)!

Brainiacs and Bookshelves

Chapter Four: All Out War

Noah reluctantly guided the elderly shopper through the rows of shelves as the man limped behind on his cane. Normally, Noah would have turned up his nose at helping customers while he was reading or playing a game, but something about the old man was different. He'd struck the younger male as someone he had to help and not an annoying soccer mom in search of whatever old novel her son needed for Grade Nine English Class. And of course, that was because the old man was particularly more violent than others, surprising given has fragile appearance and cane that acted as a versatile weapon in certain situations.

Noah shifted through the books as the old man scoffed. "What's wrong? Can't find it, button masher?"

"Don't call me that, dude," Noah groaned. "If you ever actually played a video game, you'd be eating those words with a side of I told ya' so, so shut it and let me find your stupid book already."

The elderly man scoffed again. "You call that an insult? Back in the war, the commies spewed insults ten times as hurtful as your petty remarks."

The bookworm sighed and looked back at the old man. "First you told me you were a has-been author, and now you fought in a war? What else did you do, invent the internet with Al Gore?"

"I don't even get com-pooters, just like how I don't get why you stopped looking for my book?"

"Do you even remember the name?" Noah asked as his eyes rolled almost by themselves.

The old man thought for a minute and snorted. "No, but it'll come to me in a while if you stop talking."

"How delightful."

Silence followed and Noah's mind slowly moved to the topic of Scarlett. He'd only seen her once at opening time and never again. Inside, he felt as if she was plotting something against him or the boss, but he quickly set those ideas aside when the old man shook his head in denial.

"Great," Noah let out a tired groan. "So what now?"

"I don't know, recommend something that I'll like!" The man raised his cane and smacked Noah in his arm with enough force to make the employee cringe in pain.

"Well, what do you like? I'm no mind reader, ya' old..." Noah stopped mid-sentence to avoid upsetting the customer even further.

"Ya' got anything with pretty, naked women?" the man asked with an optimistic smile scrawled across his wrinkled face.

"No," Noah replied without changing his expression. "If you want that, the internet is the place for you."

"Fine, but what about books about the Nazis?"

Noah smiled. "How about some of my favorites, huh?" He pulled out a couple books and showed them off. "How about this one: How To Avoid Work by William J. Reilly? It's a huge inspiration to everyone who reads it. Trust me when I say that this baby is the key to living a good life."

The old man slapped the book out of Noah's palms. "I hate non-fiction! I want a good story."

"Okay, then read this one," he growled pulling up a hardback copy of The Hunger Games.

The elderly gentleman propped his glasses on his nose and squinted to read the title before scoffing. "No! I hated that movie! Just forget it then." The man walked by, shoving Noah into the shelves. "Barney's Books sucks; I'm going to that other store across the street where the service is good!"

Noah stood up. "Yeah, well good luck crossing the street, you old bag of bones. And by the way, the book is better!"

The man flipped him off and Noah stomped his foot before walking off to the restrooms to gather his thoughts. Surprisingly enough, he actually wanted to find Scarlett. At least to him, her annoying tendencies could be countered by witty quips and retorts. He didn't have to wait long, as Scarlett was quick to enter the bathroom seconds after he did.

"Noah," she said politely, nodding respectfully and walking to the sink beside his. She turned on the hot water and washed a black tar-like substance off of her fingers.

"What is that mess?" Noah asked suspiciously. "Oil?"

"Nothing for you to be concerned about," Scarlett smirked, causing the bookworm to mumble something under his breath.

"If you're delighted that your plan to annoy me with the use of Max was more successful than you'd planned for it to be, go ahead and say it. I'm not upset. In fact, I've already given up all hope of keeping this job entirely."

"I'm sorry," Noah said with melancholy. "I might've acted a bit selfish yesterday, but it was in the name of comedy, a joke."

"So, you apologize for defeating me in the contest?"

"I'm apologizing for letting the game get to my head. That's all. It's not too often that I compete in something I'm good at that's not a game tournament of some sort. It sucks that I beat you like I did though."

"I have no hard feelings against you, Noah. You pulled a smart and objectively genius move and now I'm done for unless I can get enough money to get out of last place in less than a few hours. It's a good thing that I have a plan though."

Noah raised an eyebrow. "Really? You have a plan? It's day three, Scarlett. The game's over in, like, six hours. I'm sorry, but there's no winning this now."

Scarlett turned off the hot water and stood straight like a soldier ready to march into a battle. "We'll see at noon." She walked out of the bathroom and left Noah dumbfounded, wondering if Scarlett was going to try anything dangerous. She was an attempted murderer after all. Hell, for all he knew, she could've actually killed someone in her sixteen years of living.

Scarlett approached the door to the storage room with great caution, making sure she was alone before opening the door and squirming inside. The room was like any other storage room. Boxes of junk and old merchandise were stacked upon each other haphazardly. The floor was covered in rat droppings and dead insects. The bulb that lighted the small room was flickering on and off as if the thing was nearly out of juice. In one corner, a large object of about six feet in height was covered in a ghostly, white sheet with stains of yellow and green dotting it every few inches. Scarlett approached the object and slowly lifted the cloth enough to reveal a form. Two withered legs stuck out from a flat bottom, the entire thing coated in a hard plastic. Above the legs was a small panel of buttons and slots.

Scarlett smiled as she pulled a small computer chip out of her uniform pocket. She looked over the dollar sized object in her hands before gently sliding it into the slot on the panel and pulling the cloth back over the pair of legs. She stood up and gave the covered form a pat. "In time, my friend, you shall become a star. It's time for your big reveal."

The entire staff, including Mr. Massey, had gathered outside to witness the unveiling of Scarlett's latest money-making scheme. She had spread the word rather quickly and the rest of the employees were eager to see her genius manifested into something physical.

A man of about twenty years or so with black hair and glasses approached Noah, who was showing his boredom with a dull frown. "So, Noah. You, uh, know what she's doing?"

"No, Leslie," he replied, rolling his eyes in the typical fashion. "I really don't care either."

"Oh," the man replied. "Well, do you have any ideas?"

"No. Now go away, Leslie, I'm bored and I really don't want to upgrade to suicidal today."

Leslie retreated behind the crowd of employees and Noah rubbed his tired eyes. The group had been waiting for twenty minutes and Scarlett hadn't shown herself, so the cold wind was beginning to cause sore eyes, runny noses, and hypothermia.

Suddenly, the doors flew open and Scarlett appeared, wheeling the large, covered object out behind her. She closed double doors behind her and turned the group of fellow employees, clearing her throat to gain their attention.

"Welcome, all. It's nice to see a full house so eager to-"

"We're cold! Get it over with!" Mr. Massey grumbled. "Or maybe I can just fire you on the spot, seeing as you're dead last with only an hour left."

Scarlett's eye twitched a bit as she sighed angrily. "Just... Give me a few minutes."

Massey crossed him arms and continued shivering.

"Alright, fellow employees of Barney's Books, I'm sure you're all wondering what's under this fabric. Am I right?"

The group nodded together, expect for Noah who yawned.

"Good, but for now, I have a short tale that needs a teller: yours truly. After a night of internet research and a few mishaps with a fellow employee, I've discovered that this store was previously owned by a Mr. Barney Holder: a self-made man with a love for books and the children interested in reading them. However, Mr. Barney Holder died of a heart attack seventeen years ago and his store was shut down, only to be reopened with a much smaller budget. Certain luxuries were cut, including the employee lounge, children's section, and the company mascot. Now, I gather you here to bring new life to Barney's Books and watch as I retain my position as an employee here. But, before I reveal my plan, I have one person to thank for this genius idea: Noah."

Noah gasped suspiciously. "Uh... What?!"

"That's right, your mindless horror games inspired me to rejuvenate the company mascot, for children love mascots of every shape and size. Yes, you and video games are the key to my glamorous triumph. Because of you, this is possible." She returned her attention to the full crowd, now with multiple pedestrians joining in on the event, including children. "And now, without further complication, I present to you the new mascot of our store: Barney!"

The cloth was snapped off of the figure, revealing a work of horror. The thing resembled a large, tan, book, but it had been anthropomorphized and given legs, a face, and arms. The legs were withered and covered in torn, blue cloth. At the base of each leg was a giant, black clownish shoe. The arms were long and torn, revealing pieces of mechanical parts that included gears, hinges, and other animatronic devices. But the creepiest part of the robot was the face: a pair of bugged eyes with large pupils that followed you no matter where to moved, and below the eyes: a curved mouth with rosy cheeks and buck teeth.

Noah cringed and shuddered. "Yeah, uh, pardon me asking, but what the actual fuck is that?!"

"Our new mascot," Scarlett smirked. "It took a few hours to put back together, but I can assure you that it can perform it's duties properly."

"And what's it's duty, giving kids seizures?" Noah asked as the pedestrians in the group slowly walked off covering their kid's eyes and ears. "Seriously, Scarlett. That thing is creepy as hell."

"Oh, please, Noah," Scarlett scoffed. "You're just envious of my skills with technology. All you can do is click buttons and the like."

Noah tried to speak back, but Massey pushed him aside. "As creepy as that thing is, I need to know if it works. Can we have a demonstration?"

"Of course, Mr. Massey. Right away." Scarlett pulled a handheld remote from her pocket and turned it on. The eyes of the robot responded by glowing blue. She pushed up on one of the joysticks and the robot lifted it's arms. Then she pushed on another joystick and the animated book took a step forward.

Scarlett then pushed a green button on the shoulder of the remote and the robot spoke in a creepy, crackling, deep voice. "Hi, kiddies. Barney loves booooooooooooks. Do yoooooouuuuuu love boooooooooks?"

Scarlett grunted and fiddled with the remote as she tried to explain. "It's a bug in the system. I'll try to see if fixable, so just hang on for a few seconds."

"I've seen enough," Massey said. "The only thing that this thing is good at is scarring kids and me as well. Sorry, Scarlett, but I think you're done."

Scarlett stopped handling the remote and looked up slowly with a look of dread on her face. She looked at Barney the Book and back at the remote.

"What?" Massey laughed. "Ya' gonna cry? Say something already!"

Noah backed away as Scarlett smiled a wicked grin as removed her glasses, causing her calm appearance to fade into creepiness. "No, Mr. Massey. I'm not the one who's done. You are." Scarlett shoved down on the remote's red button and the robot's eye turned red. "This'll teach you to screw me over!" She pushed both joysticks forward and the giant book rushed forward. Massey screamed and ran down the sidewalk with the killer machine close behind him as the rest of the employees watched in terror.

Noah ran up to Scarlett as she controlled the machine and tried to grab the remote from her hands, but the psycho fought back. "Get off of me, rat!" she grumbled, pushing Noah to the ground.

"You have to stop!" Noah shouted. "Now!"

"Why, so you can mock my failure again? No chance!"

Noah turned his head to see Massey in the hands of the robot and looked back at Scarlett. "Look at what you're doing! You're killing him!"

"Of course I am!" Scarlett chuckled. "If I'm going down, I'm going down with a bang!"

Noah knew this had to stop immediately, and did the only thing he could. The bookworm rushed Scarlett, taking her to ground as the other employees gasped in horror at the events unfolding. Upon hitting the asphalt, Scarlett dropped the remote into the street.

The psycho brought herself to her feet and tried to retrieve her controller, but Noah grabbed her foot, tripping her. Unfortunately for Noah, Scarlett was equipped with high heels and jabbed Noah in the cheek, but unfortunately for Scarlett, she was too late. The remote was crushed under the force of a speeding car.

"No!" Scarlett cried out. "No!"

"Hah," Noah laughed, rubbing his sore cheek. "You failed!"

Scarlett walked towards Noah, seething with anger, but soon gasped as she saw her machine drop Massey and turn itself around to face it's master, it's eyes still red as blood.

"Oh-"

"Shit! Run!" Noah screamed as the anthropomorphic book began to chase them down the street in a case on ironic justice for Scarlett and pure terror for Noah.

Massey stood up and gasped for air as he watched the killer machine pursue his least favorite employees down the city sidewalk. "Nerds," he mumbled in disgust.

~A/N~ I know it's weird, but come on, it's weird! I can understand if this chapter didn't make too much sense, but it's not supposed too at this point; it's nonsensical humor, and that's how I write comedy. Thanks for sticking with me thus far, and I hope you enjoyed this penultimate chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it. Next time: the finale. :)