"Why are others going with another flight?"
"Because they booked their tickets earlier and technically we are separate groups."
"I don't understand why you are flying alone with him."
"For God's sake, you're making it sound like we'll be alone in the whole plane!"
"It won't change the fact that you two are travelling together."
"For business. It's a business trip, Mikasa."
"Is it? Is it only that for you?"
Ouch. Right where it hurts. Okay, maybe a tiny part of me wishes it was more than that. Maybe a tiny part of me always wanted to travel with Levi. But this is not about me, is it?
"This is not about what it is to me, it is—"
"It is exactly about what it is to you. Eren, please, are you taking me for stupid? It's obvious you're crushing on him again…"
He could lie in theory, but in practice Mikasa would recognise it even from thousands of kilometres away. To hell with it then…
"And so what? So what if I'm crushing on him?! It's just a harmless thing... I won't ever make a—"
"Don't lie to me. I know you will make a move on him if you know he will return your feelings."
Will I? Could I? Wouldn't it be useless anyway since it would go downhill… Isn't it futile to even think about this since he'll never actually return whatever this is that I'm feeling?
He did not realise the silence stretching between them until Mikasa loudly sighed.
"Look, it's your decision at the end and I'll be there for you regardless, but I just don't get it… How? How can you still like him after what he did to you?"
"Mikasa, he did not do anything to me."
"He left you!"
"And if he hadn't, I would have left him! Look, this is hard to explain if you've never experienced it but I'm really not mad at him. Sure, I was upset. I would be happier if he had told me his plans for the future and not just leave so abruptly… but we were nearing the end anyway and we both knew that."
"Why again then? Why do you—"
"I don't know! I just don't know alright? It's… it's fucking weird. I like how he has changed. I also like how he has not changed. I respect him. I'm learning a lot from him… It's different but it's the same; it's… it's complicated."
"That sounds… awful. 'It's complicated'."
"I know…"
"You do know that I love you and I just want the best for you, right?"
"I know, but please don't be so pushy about this?"
"Fine. But rest assured that if he breaks your heart again, I'll break his puny little legs in half."
"Okay, hold on there for a sec, sure he's short and so his legs are short but his thighs and calves are majestic; there's nothing puny about them."
"Ugh. Eren, are you checking him out at the office?! God… you're hopeless."
"I cannot check out his thighs or calves at work, he wears suits all the time! I'm talking from memory here. But I'm sure he maintained them, I mean he maintained everything else. Even improved."
"I'm really not interested. Really."
Eren let out a hearty chuckle at Mikasa's disgusted tone, "Fine, fine."
After another few seconds of silence – this time much more comfortable and both fully aware of it, almost savouring that quiet moment of understanding, Eren murmured lovingly, "Don't worry… I'll be careful and take good care of my heart. I'm not that young and naïve anymore."
"I know… Still, it's an older sister's duty to be worried."
"You're only 7 months older than me."
"Yeah, can you believe it? Seven whole months. You couldn't imagine the things I saw, endured…"
Eren started cackling and all the knots in his stomach dissolved into nothing when he heard Mikasa's soft giggling as well.
.
.
.
.
.
It was his first business trip.
Yes, Eren Jaeger, you are now a working adult who actually goes on trips for work. Let me repeat that: 'for work'. Hell yeah.
He couldn't restrain the toothy grin and a newfound confidence caused his heartbeat to quicken… Or maybe it was seeing Levi in such casual clothes. Sure, Eren had seen the man once or twice coming in directly from airport or during his PTO when he really should not be working but still popped in to check on the tasks, because Levi was… a workaholic, definitely. His clothing then, however casual, still maintained a 'formal' aura: never a t-shirt or a sweatshirt, always perfectly ironed dress shirts, and comfortable slacks at best, nothing tight or of denim.
Certainly never a pair of black skinny jeans and an old band t-shirt coupled with a grey hoodie.
What awed Eren the most was how youthful and attractive his once-lover looked in the kinds of clothing Eren used to see him back when they had been together. Memories trickled into his mind and he could not help but remember the many times he stripped off pieces of clothing quite similar to these from that wiry body that packed more muscle than it ever appeared to be so when covered.
Years later, Levi seemed as nonchalant as ever but also more laidback than their miserable student days; his temper flaring much less often and his humour alive and kicking and… rather shitty, like always.
"You wanna sit near the window?" Levi asked once they found their seats, though the tickets stated the window seat belonged to Levi himself.
"Yeah, actually, if you don't mind?"
Levi shrugged indifference but almost tender, ghost of a smile appeared on his thin lips and Eren recognised the man was being considerate. Truthfully, this was the second trip he was taking outside the country and his first time flying to London. Thus, he was jittery with happiness and would love to stare out the glass at the blue expanse of the sky or the ocean… and Levi, it seemed, had realised this.
Small acts of gentle acknowledgement had always been a forte of the stoic looking man; never easily admitting his care and always roundabout when it came to showing affection. Then, in the oddest moment, Levi could be so blunt, so carelessly and brutally honest about feelings or wants that it would drive Eren crazy with desire and flush. He remembered all the fond details of not just his past with Levi but his recent days too. How Levi took the hardest jobs for himself and never shied away from offering help for even the most mundane tasks his subordinates were swamped with. How he personally chose which teas to be stored in the cafeteria and always brewed more than enough tea in the mornings so that others could benefit from his expensive and delectable addiction. How he defended his team and never let anyone from the upper management to scorn them. How he bought pastries for the whole office after each project closed successfully.
Eren settled on his spot and Levi reminded him to clasp the seat belt, upon which Eren growled back to him about how he's not a kid and of course he was going to fasten it, only to receive a mocking smirk which led him to pout in defiance which only caused Levi to snigger audibly and himself to chortle a second later because it was… kind of childish and self-defeating.
It was interesting, how everything was like before but also completely unlike before. They were the same in many ways yet different in many others. Levi did not read Aeneid from original Latin during the flight but instead had the third volume of Saga with him. When Eren carelessly turned up the volume too high, losing himself in the music blaring from his earbuds, Levi nudged him and reminded that "not everyone orgasms to Skrillex."
"You've changed…" Eren mumbled a few hours into the flight as Levi took a mouthful from his steaming hot coffee. He received a bland stare in response to the abrupt confession and thought for a second that it was a mistake to ever utter it. That it was a mistake to open the door for the feelings that were broken and ragged. That it was a mistake to point something obvious, because who doesn't change in five years?
That it was a mistake to pronounce something that could be so easily misunderstood, lest Levi thought Eren mocked him – for honesty's sake, he certainly did not.
Instead of the scornful reply stemming from similarly hurt and dissatisfied emotions of past, though, Levi's bland stare soon morphed into a knowing gaze and his lips that always easily thrilled Eren turned up slightly, positively. His voice was tender when he spoke – tender like how it had been in the loving whispers of those nights when they embraced each other gently; not with fiery urgency but an overruling calm, accepting the other truly and fully, literally and figuratively.
"You too…"
He motioned with his eyes the cup in front of Eren and it took a few seconds for Eren to realise just what he was referring to.
Oh.
Yeah, I did not like tea then…
He had complained that it was "water mixed with dead leaves" to Levi's annoyance more than once. He could not remember how many times they had bickered over coffee versus tea, as Eren would gulp down his deliciously dark coffee softened and velvety with milk while Levi would gingerly sip his beloved tea from cups that Eren had found too dainty. When had he started liking tea? He recalled making tea in the middle of the night, one night in his second year in uni, eyes full of tears after his third or fourth heartbreak post-Levi… Was it because there had been no coffee left in his dingy dorm room at the time or had he simply missed the smell of the damned Earl Grey that Levi used to drink more than water? Regardless of 'how', he had started and eventually grew used to it; he liked it and really, it was not that surprising. He recalled how he had despised mushrooms as a kid despite all the little games his mother pulled to make him eat them. He happily cooked them these days; in fact, mushroom gratin was one of his most favourite dishes now and he often made it when Mikasa came over.
Things change as you grow, you start liking things you thought you could not stand, you start seeing things in different ways and realise the shallowness of your stubborn ways… Growing up, you learn to appreciate more freely and deeply, some things stay the same, some change greatly; this constant dynamic of both change and no change, this fine balance… He was not sure how to explain it but he was partial to it. He appreciated how Levi had changed… but also not changed. He appreciated how he himself had changed… but also not changed.
He fondly looked at the cup of tea sitting gracefully on the plastic tray in front of him.
"Do you still have those fancy English-style tea cups? You know whenever I see any of those I automatically remember you and how you so carefully handled them. They… looked kind of good in your hand. In a really quirky way."
He's more than ready to receive a biting remark but only gets a shrug from Levi and a tiny smile,
"I've got a stellar selection at home and once nearly murdered Hanji because they almost broke a late 19th century one."
Eren chuckled, not doubting Levi's words for a second there.
"Do you still have those anime figures?" Levi asked a second later.
"Of course! My collection has grown quite a bit since I got a job too. I spoil myself a little with them…"
Levi snickered but there was no disdain in the sound, only amusement.
"You know… Levi… In the first year of my postgrad, I wrote this piece that kind of touched upon Wagner's works and themes and then I totally got hooked because his music is actually great."
"No shit. 'Wagner is great' – who could believe that?!"
"C'mon… okay so he's goddamn famous but it is an acquired taste in a sense, quite different than what we get today after all. But yeah… I may or may not still have Die Walküre on my phone and listen to it at times."
"I prefer Götterdämmerung."
"Of course you prefer Götterdämmerung…"
"What's with the tone?"
"Nothing."
Levi tried to glare at him for a second but clearly failed at it and turned to scoff with a loud "tch". The tiny smile on his lips spread into a smirk against his obvious attempts to suppress it, much to Eren's delight.
"I listen to the Glitch Mob."
Eren's eyes widened, "Oh no you don't… Liar."
"I swear to God I'm not shitting you. I was gone the moment I heard Warrior Concerto…"
"Of course you like 'Warrior Concerto'…"
"Eren, seriously, what's with the tone?" Levi demanded, though the snicker that escaped his lips made it clear that he knew the meaning behind the insinuation.
Eren rolled onto his side to face Levi completely and scrutinised the face he used to kiss every centimetre of and could very realistically imagine doing once again now. Instead of a kiss attack though, he muted his instincts and asked, his tone still playful,
"So you listen to the Glitch Mob and read Saga – which I approve by the way, I so approve, both I mean. What else?"
Levi reclined on his back a little more comfortably and shrugged, "I don't know… not much else I guess… Hmm, I started parkour?"
"Of course you would start parkour."
Levi lightly punched Eren's shoulder which led Eren to moan, seemingly out of mock pain but perhaps with the hint of a devilish intent as well, which Levi ignored, or perhaps not, considering the gleam that settled in the steel eyes the moment Eren's deceitfully aching voice was heard.
"Shut up, they're gonna think I'm giving you a handjob or something."
"Not like you've never given me a handjob in public before…"
Levi cackled then. It was a beautiful sight that Eren realised he had missed a lot only when he finally witnessed it once again. In those old days, despite his ever-present sourness that could shame pickles, Levi would laugh sometimes, surely rarely but he still had and mostly to Eren's lame jokes or clumsiness. Eren felt warmth prickling his chest and smiled. For a second, he wished he had recorded Levi's laughter. Damn, I could have sold it to Hanji for at least twenty bucks too…
"Do you still write fan fiction?" Levi queried, removing the tiny tears from the ends of his eyes absentmindedly and Eren wondered how could this man look so good doing the most mundane things…
"Sometimes… mostly crack though. Just for fun."
"Hmm…" Levi nodded, then sighed, "Okay, you probably won't fucking believe it but I actually co-authored a paper on the subversive nature of fan fiction within the context of teenage sexuality in the States and Philippines; it was a comparative study, I did the US part and Hanji did the Philippines part since it's one of their areas of expertise."
"You're shitting me."
"Nope, I seriously did it. It even got published in New Media & Society."
"You wrote a paper on fan fiction and got it published in New Media & Society?!"
"Yes. I swear I'm not shitting you. I have a copy back at the office, I actually keep a copy of every journal issue I get published in so…"
Levi sighed and his lips turned a little down at his own admission, was he feeling self-conscious about keeping copies of his published works? Eren could not believe it. If anything, he thought it was awesome – why would anyone feel self-conscious about something like that? Hell, I'd happily donate my liver at this point to be published in a prestigious journal. Well… maybe not a liver. But definitely a kidney. Yeah, a kidney is fair price; you could live with just one right, why need the whole pair?
"That's… wow. That's awesome."
"Huh?"
"I mean wow… Shit… Yeah, do you have to be so goddamn perfect? I mean it's been five years, and you're still so… even more so…"
Levi huffed, suddenly exasperated and visibly upset.
"Kid, I have no idea why you think I'm this huge delicious dong, but I'm at most a tiny shitstain. And I don't mean 'tiny' in reference to my height."
Eren scoffed and turned to recline on his back once again, his eyes focusing on his now cold cup of tea since he felt rather intimidated to face Levi's accusing stare.
"I don't think you're a tiny shitstain."
"Well thank you very much Eren, that makes me feel so much better. It's not like I was deliberately exaggerating to make a point."
"No but seriously—"
"'Not but seriously' you; stop putting me on a pedestal."
Levi put his elbow over his eyes as a deep scowl settled on his mouth and Eren felt panic rise in him, because – how had they come to argue, again? They were giggling and flirting… Well, it was flirting right? Just a moment ago goddamn it, why does he have to be so infuriating?! Well, he was trying to relate to me and I dismissed it I guess? Or did I just go overboard in complimenting him… Wait, do I actually put him on a pedestal? Shit. I do put him on a pedestal.
"Sorry…"
"For what?"
"I'm sorry… I don't mean to okay. Put you on a pedestal I mean. Honestly. And by now, I've seen quite a few faults of yours so it's not like I think you're a god living amongst men anymore."
"How kind and unexpectedly rational of you, thanks Eren."
"Yeah this for example. Can't you just shut the fuck up and let me apologise?"
A moment of silence and Eren gathered his wits and thoughts again.
"It's just… I admire you. A lot. I always have. And you so naturally have the skills and strengths that I desperately lack that I can't help… going overboard I guess."
"You're not."
"I'm not what? Not going overboard? You just admitted that I did. Rather rudely too, asshole."
"Hey, who's being rude now? And I meant…" Levi sighed and turned to face him and Eren did his best to not stare back as well, because in his periphery he could see Levi's eyes, however tired, looking at him especially gently; he was afraid that if he gazed back and faced Levi, the fragile gentleness would break or Levi would decide to hide it. Levi spoke again after a second of pause which felt like a small eternity for Eren; did eternities come in different shapes and sizes? Because he often felt so, around Levi at least.
"I meant you're not lacking anything. Sure, there is room for growth, but that's true for everyone. Even for the goddamn geniuses. Trust me, you're amazing the way you are. And I'm saying that as your boss too."
Eren's breath hitched because he knew when Levi was being honest. He had never thought that Levi actually saw worth in him. Sure, perhaps as a lover once; but it is different to gain the respect of someone for the feelings shared, than the worth of your work and efforts. But here and now Levi truly commended him, not as a past lover either but as someone who was there as Eren tried his best to grow and put forth something that would be meaningful… and with those eyes too. With those goddamn honest eyes full of respect and care and… It was unfair.
It's so unfair.
It's so bloody unfair that he can do this to me… Shit. Don't cry. Don't you dare fucking cry just because he praised you, you, you shithead. God.
He sniffed loudly and swallowed the urge to cry as though it was a tangible, edible thing. As his eyes had already gotten a little wet before he had managed to restrain the tears, he was ready to receive a mocking comment, about being such a teary-eyed brat, wouldn't be the first time Levi said it after all, and surely it would sting more than the usual now as he felt suddenly too emotional… But it never came. Instead something unthinkable for him happened and Levi leaned forward, despite his small stature, and reaching his hand up, started petting Eren's head.
Eren recalled how much he had cried once in his freshman year, after failing that godawful Old English course, thinking that he was a disappointment, that he would forever be the deadbeat brother of Mikasa. Even though their relationship had been still relatively new, Levi had slept with him that night and hugged him close and tight, murmuring reassuring words that were laced with poetic profanities. The feel of the strong muscles and bones, the safety he had found in the warmth of the embrace… The softness of Levi's fingertips and lips and whispers. He could still imagine the sensation and wished dearly – for the first time, truly and passionately wished that he was still together with Levi, that when he felt Levi's fingers kindly combing through his unruly locks, he could hurl himself over to the body he still believed he knew well enough, to be held securely once again. That he could properly stare back into the tender gaze Levi was bestowing him with or raise his own hand to caress the calloused hand slowly massaging his scalp in a gesture of kindness.
Yet he could not because it was exactly that: a gesture of kindness. Nothing more. At least not likely. He didn't allow himself to be swept up in daydreams of romance. He loved his work too much to lose it over an unrequited affection. Still, it did not mean he could not enjoy the gentle care when it was being so generously given. So he tilted his body closer towards Levi's seat, resting his head around the level of the man's shoulder and allowed himself to be petted more, gladly leaning into the touch with a soft smile hanging on his lips.