I wake up sore, which shocks me. It's a disturbing realization that given my healing abilities I would still be in some pain. And he had been so careful! How terrible must it have been for Levi, then? The thought makes me a little sick, so I close my eyes again. No wonder he says he never liked it.
"Finally awake," Levi grumbles at me as soon as my eyelids flutter again. He's not next to me in bed. No, he's already up, standing half way across the room, dressed and ready to start the day.
"What time is it?" I ask, slowly getting up.
"Time for you to go back to your room," he says bluntly as he fiddles with his cravat in the small mirror on his dresser. "People will be up soon."
I can't hold back a little groan as I get out of bed. Levi glances at me in the mirror, a bit of veiled concern in his otherwise irritated expression, but nothing even close to the amount of care and concern he had displayed for me last night. The hard wood floor is chilly on my feet and I shuffle across the room, slower than I would usually move at his command. At least I don't have to go around picking up all my clothes now. We had redressed last night before falling asleep—just in case some emergency should happen at the castle in the middle of the night, Levi didn't want us to "get rushed out of bed with our asses hanging out."
Just as I'm about to leave, I hear Levi say softly from his place in the mirror, "I'll go easy on you today. No shifting, no flying. Don't worry."
The small smile that crosses my lips as I go is enough to warm my entire body.
He keeps his promise and we go over formations and battle strategies on the chalk board for most of the day. It's a kindness that I honestly hadn't expected from him, considering how hell-bent he was on giving me a hard time in front of my peers to keep any suspicions at bay. Besides, with my healing abilities I would be alright to do just about anything.
"You look tired, Eren," Mikasa tells me during our lunch break. "You're not getting enough sleep, are you?"
"I'm not that tired. Not any more than the rest of you."
"No, she's right, Eren. You look awful," Jean butts in. He gives Mikasa a significant look that she hardly notices. "You really do look exhausted."
I look back and forth between them, shaking my head a bit while I take another bite of bread. Jean's mock concern is just as annoying as Mikasa's constant badgering. We've had this talk every day since she arrived. I know that her concern stems from a deep and genuine care for my wellbeing, but I have things well under control. What can I say to get her to lay off the subject? "I've been here longer than you guys," I finally venture with a shrug. "The Survey Corp is intense. It takes a toll. You'll get on my level soon enough." I give a playful smile, trying to keep the comment light hearted, but Mikasa frowns even deeper into her bowl of stew.
"I wonder why Commander Erwin didn't teach today," Armin says, trying to change the subject for me. I shoot him a thankful smile, but almost immediately want to take it back as he goes on, saying, "The Lance Corporal doesn't seem qualified in that area."
"Ehh, the commander doesn't have time for us," Connie says off-handedly.
"He's got plenty of time for Eren!" Jean complains, referring to my frequent meetings with the higher-ups.
"That's what I'm talking about, Eren," Mikasa picks up, pointing her spoon in my direction. "They expect way too much of you! You can talk around it all you want, but we all know that Commander Erwin and Levi Heichou are taking advantage of you. It's not healthy. They're not considering your well-being."
"I'll be honest, I've been a little concerned too, Eren. I know that Heichou gives you time to recover, but your regenerative abilities only go so far, right? Not to mention the psychological toll that all of this must take on you," Armin is saying, his thin hand on my forearm.
My mouth is hanging open, I realize. "I…" I'm not sure what they're talking about anymore, my professional relationship with the officers or my personal relationship with Levi? I can feel how red I am and I don't want to say the wrong thing…
"Oi, Eren."
Thank god! It's like magic—he's always there to rescue me from these awful conversations. But my relief is short lived as I realize he might actually be angry that this conversation is even happening.
"What's the matter with you?" he snaps at me. "You're as red as a tomato."
"Heichou!" Mikasa says, standing up quickly. "Eren is very tired, he needs to rest."
He looks at her with just his eyes, his head still facing me. "I'm sorry?"
"I'm sorry, sir, but I've known Eren for my whole life, really, and I can tell that he is not ok. He needs more rest and more time to recover."
Oh my god, what is she saying? I can't believe she's saying this to him. He's gonna kill me.
She doesn't stop; she just keeps on talking. "Eren is very sensitive, he—"
"Sensitive?"
"Yes, sir! He's not a monster, he's a human being—a boy! And he needs to be treated like one."
"Are you suggesting that I don't treat Eren like a human being?" Levi repeats, so cold and monotone that the whole room of soldiers must stop to listen.
If Mikasa is intimidated by him, I certainly can't tell, because she carries on only a bit more respectfully. "No, sir. What I mean to say is that some of the situations I've witnessed in the past weeks make me feel concerned about Eren's wellbeing. From my perspective, it appears as though you treat Eren differently from the rest of the new soldiers."
"Eren is different than the other soldiers. He's a goddamn Titan in case you haven't noticed," Levi snaps and my gaze instantly falls into my lap. "Now why don't you work on your observation skills and leave Eren's care to me. Or did you forget that he was put in my custody, Ackerman?"
They must be staring each other down, because the moment of silence that follows Levi's harsh words feel like ages. Finally, with veiled fury in her breath, Mikasa acquiesces. "Yes, Heichou."
He says nothing to me. Not a word, not a glance, he just walks away and I can feel my heart in the pit of my stomach. Armin is stiff as a board next to me, clearly terrified for Mikasa's sake. "I can't believe you said that!" he hisses at her once Levi is well out of ear shot.
"Eren's 'care,'" Mikasa scoffs, fury radiating from her. "He doesn't care about Eren at all. I can't stand him." A quick glance up at her and I see her dark eyes, narrowed into menacing slits—her disdain for my lover as evident as the black hair on her head.
No one talks much the rest of lunch. I pick at my stew and bread but can't finish. My appetite is long gone.
By evening I've replayed Levi and Mikasa's words thousands of times in my mind and the sick feeling just won't go away. I must look truly grim because at dinner Levi pulls me aside by the arm and drags me into a corner of the room. "What's the matter?" he half-demands.
"Nothing," I say, trying to walk away and return to our normal routine of 'ignore each other in public,' but he snatches my arm up again and holds me in front of him. The crease of worry in his brow surprises me, so I soften. "I'm upset. I'm fine," I say, meeting his gaze for the first time all day.
"Are you still in pain?"
"What—Oh, no! No, I'm totally normal now."
"Then what?"
I shake my head, at a loss. How can I start talking about how he hurt my feelings by calling my a "goddamn titan" or that I feel less secure about our relationship after Mikasa's rantings and his particular level of coldness this afternoon? These aren't things that we can talk about in the mess hall, nor are they things that I really want to discuss at all since any little change in emotion might cause Levi to rescind his physical affection for me permanently!
"Really, it's nothing," I finally say, looking down again. "Can I go eat, please, sir?"
He lets go of my arm and mutters, "Yes, go eat. We'll talk later."
I keep my head down as I find my way to our table. Mikasa is already there, watching me like a hawk. "Hi," I say at once, trying to be normal…trying not to think about the fact that she likely watched our entire exchange.
We don't end up talking before we fall asleep. Levi is called away for a meeting almost as soon as I get to his room. (I have to hide in the closet when there is a knock at the door.) I don't remember when I dozed off, but it's well into the night when I wake up again, Levi finally slipping into bed beside me.
"What was that about?" I ask groggily.
"It was a meeting to discuss some upcoming plans," Levi whispers, only inches above me. He gently kisses my forehead before laying his head down. "I'm sorry it took so long."
"It's ok," I say.
He yawns—a long drawn out, very un-Heichou-like yawn. "Are you feeling better than earlier, Eren?"
Am I? I don't know. I'm half asleep and by the tone of his voice I can tell that he's almost out already. So I say, "Yeah, it was really no big deal," and snuggle closer to him as we drift off.
"What? What's happening?" I'm gasping, jolting awake and trying to sit up. It's too dark to see clearly. The last thing I remember was falling asleep after Levi, his arm limp and heavy on my chest. My eyes, adjusting, search through the darkness for him. "Levi?"
He doesn't answer, but I can hear his breathing now. It's heavy.
"What's going on?" I ask, crawling across the bed to where he's perched at the edge. I reach out to touch his shoulder, but he flinches away, and then,
"Sorry," he says, the silhouette of his head turning back over his shoulder toward me. "Sorry. I didn't mean to wake you up."
I'm still getting my bearings—trying to process how sweaty he felt and remembering his little shout that woke me up. "Are you ok?"
"Yeah, yeah," he grumbles. He has already steadied his breathing and is climbing past me to get back under the covers as if nothing happened.
"Nightmare?"
"Mmm," is the only response he offers. I sling my arm back over his side and start to relax back into a sleep state. After about ten minutes of stillness, he rolls over to face me and I see that he's still wide awake. "Eren."
"Hmm?" I urge myself back into full consciousness. The heavy look of discomfort and concern on his face is unsettling to me.
"You never hide when you go back into my past, do you?"
That's an odd question. I'm not sure if I know what he means. "Uh…no, I don't think so."
"If you were there—at some point in my life—I would know that you were there. Right? You wouldn't hide?"
"Yeah, you would know," I say. Why is he asking me this? I wonder, but I don't press him.
He falls back asleep infuriatingly quickly—Levi, who struggles from insomnia, falls asleep over and over again on the day that I just want to talk to him. Today just isn't our day. I try to justify his exhaustion: He's under a lot of stress between his job—his very crucial role in the fate of humanity—and the stress of our secret relationship. Plus whatever this nightmare was about—who knows if it's reoccurring or not, I wouldn't doubt it considering his past.
His past. He doesn't want me to hide when I go into the past.
So…He wants to know for sure what I've seen and what is private. He's afraid I know something that he isn't aware is a shared memory.
I fall asleep considering the possible reasons for this fear and wake feeling unrested. Levi, too, despite falling asleep quickly seems to awake exhausted. He has dark circles under his eyes and a frown on his mouth before he's even out of bed.
He rubs his left eye with the back of his hand and grumbles, "Back to maneuver training today."
"Ok."
"Hopefully no meetings tonight."
"Yeah," I say, slowly getting out of bed as I rub a hand through my messy hair. I'm so focused on getting up and trying to fix my hair and the bed sheets that I don't notice how he rounded the bed to come stand next to me until he touches my arm.
"Oi," he says, making me look at him. There's a smile on his thin, handsome face—such a kind smile, albeit a tired one—I blush, feeling silly for all of the negativity I was feeling yesterday. "Let's talk later. I know you're upset, and I'm sorry—whatever it is." He kisses me soft and sweet, his hands gripping my back as his arms wrap tightly around me. I hold him, too, breathing out a long sigh. I love you.
Suddenly, there is another knock on the door.
Levi stiffens at once. Quickly drawing back from me and giving me an apologetic 'closet, please!" look, he goes to the door as I quietly go into hiding. I make sure not to jingle the wire hangers as I duck down in between his nicely pressed white shirts.
"Yes?" Levi's voice says after the sound of the door opening.
"I need to see you." It's Erwin.
"Ok, I'll come by your office during their lunch break."
"No, now. Cancel your maneuvers."
My heart rate picks up. What's going on? Levi is silent for a moment. I think that he must have made some nonverbal sign of agreement and is preparing to leave with Erwin, but I realize I'm wrong when the commander speaks again, harsher than before. "Cancel them."