Chapter 5

Home

The green leaves outside the window were radiant in the sunlight. Poe never grew tired of staring at them or the view in general. Looking up, he spotted the very top of the nearby abandoned temple peeking up from behind the treetops. As a child, Poe had stood in this very spot so often, imagining the Rebel Alliance taking up residence in the temple and fight the Empire from here. This very planet had been the place, where the first blow to the Empire had been struck when the Death Star had been blown apart. But this was not the only reason why Poe felt so attached to this planet. For one, he had grown up here, his mother had died in this very house, but he also remembered the stories of his parents; about how they had met in the temple's main hangar. His father had told the story over and over again: he had been impressed by the daring pilot Shara Bey, even before her participation in the Battle of Yavin, but she had turned him down when he had invited her out for a drink. She had been too focused on her work and not interested at all in being involved with anyone. At least not until they had been sent on a secret mission together and he had managed to prove himself to her.

The stories of the Rebel Alliance had coined the dreams of his childhood like nothing else. Not a day had gone by without him pretending to be a pilot like his mother, or a Pathfinder like his father. The dreams and games he had played with his friends had become ambitions as he grew older, driving him to join the Republic's navy. Ever since, he hadn't managed to return home to his father's house more than a couple of times a year. He hadn't even come here with Finn as often as he should have. Not, at least, until a couple of years ago, when Kes Dameron had suffered a severe stroke. Poe and Finn had been alerted by one of the neighbours, telling them, that Poe's father had been taken to the nearest medcenter. Poe still remembered the rush of adrenaline, the sense of falling without being able to stop himself and of being lost, he had felt, when he had been waiting in the medcenter's corridor for news of his father. Finn's hand clutched tightly in his been the only thing keeping him sane and focused. It had been like a lifeline during these hours of dread and anguish in which he thought he'd lose his other parent.

After what had appeared like an eternity, one of the medics had stepped outside to tell them that his father would be fine, but that he'd have to "take it slow". Ever since that day Poe and Finn had returned to Yavin 4 at least once a month, but they hadn't been able to come here for about twelve weeks and Poe still felt guilty about that.

Poe didn't turn around, when he felt Finn's arms wrap around his torso, but closed his eyes, savouring the moment of peace. A moment in which they didn't have to worry about packing boxes or about the next day of work. This moment was about them and about them being away from it all. Placing his hands on Finn's, Poe started drawing circles on Finn's soft skin. The tension between them had all but vanished when they had reached Poe's homeplanet, even though Poe knew that Finn had always been a bit nervous around Kes. It wasn't that Kes had ever rejected Finn in any way, on the contrary: he had always been supportive and even welcoming towards Finn. They had just never become as close as Poe would have wished and Poe had never asked his father why that was. Finn didn't pretend to be anyone he was not, when he was on Yavin 4, he was the same person Poe had grown to love. He even seemed to enjoy the stays in Poe's family home, it was just that something was slightly off. Like a barely visible crack in a mirror. It distorted the image, but only so much that it didn't really matter.

"He won't tell me what's wrong," Finn whispered, his breath gently stroking Poe's neck. He hadn't really expected his father to comply, but he had known that Finn would offer his help.

"Did you ask nicely?" With a smirk that didn't really fit the situation, Poe leaned against Finn and put head back so his cheek was pressed against Finn's neck.

Finn made a non-committal noise, pulling Poe closer to his body. "I told him I was a fully trained medic and that you're worried about him, but he insists that he's fine."

Poe shook his head with a heavy sigh. "Idiot..." he whispered. They had arrived on Yavin 4 a couple of hours before and when he had first seen his father, Poe had known that something was horribly wrong. He was as pale as a ghost and it was obvious that every step he took was causing him pain. But of course he didn't complain. Kes Dameron wanted to appear strong in front of his son and wouldn't even tell Poe what was wrong when Poe had asked him over a cup of Caf, after they had entered the house. Poe had then taken his and Finn's bags upstairs and asked Finn quietly to check up on his father, without any real hope.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked you to do it."

Finn shrugged. "It's fine. How many other doctors do you know personally?"

Chuckling Poe brushed his lips against Finn's jaw. "I met a couple at your graduation." Poe's breath caught in his chest, as Finn pulled him even closer. Laughing he grabbed on tightly to Finn's forearm. The pressure of Finn's arm lessened and Poe was able to breathe again. "I'm going to talk to him later today," he said, pressing his lips against Finn's cheek. "Maybe I can knock some sense into him."

Finn nodded. "Maybe, but I'm not too sure. He seems determined and I think he has already talked to a doctor."

"Probably," Poe said with a grunt, his eyes still fixed on the forest outside. He'd had the same impression about his father. It was apparent that Kes knew that something was up, but was completely unwilling to talk about it, which could only mean that it was something serious. "But if he won't tell me, there's nothing I can do about it."

"Do you want me to talk to him again?"

"Nah..." patting Finn's hand Poe wriggled out of Finn's embrace and turned around to face him. "Thanks for trying, but I think I should talk to him. If he gets angry at anyone it should be me." He winked at Finn, though his heart wasn't in it. On the contrary: he felt like the talk he'd have to have with his father was going to be the least pleasant he'd ever had with the man.

"Fine..." Finn murmured sighing and grabbed his jacket. It was the very same one he had received from Poe all those years ago, after they had first met. Even though a huge portion of the back had to be patched up, it still looked pretty much the same, maybe a little bit more worn, but Poe was glad to see that Finn was still wearing it every time he did. Smiling slightly despite himself, because the dread of talking with his father was still hanging over him, he patted Finn on the shoulder.

"Thanks."

With a slight nod Finn bent over him, gently kissing the corner of his mouth and then he left Poe's old bedroom and went down the stairs. Poe didn't even ask where Finn was headed. He knew, that Finn was weirdly drawn to the Force tree his mother had planted in their garden all those years ago. She had received it from Skywalker after helping him recover these last two fragments of the tree, which had once been the heart and soul of the Jedi temple on Corouscant, before the Emperor had taken over. Finn, being Force-sensitive, obviously felt a strong connection to the tree, though he never talked about it.

Poe could see a couple of the tree branches from where he was standing right now and he knew, that Finn would be busy just being near the tree for a while, like he always was. Finn might have rejected Jedi training, but that didn't mean that he didn't feel the Force. Poe could only imagine what it might be like for Finn, but he thought that it might be like trying to forget what it felt like to fly a starfighter. To forget what the sudden rush of adrenaline and the acceleration pushing one's body against the seat felt like. It must be impossible.

One last time he looked around his room. At the pictures of ships and of friends on the walls, especially at the one with his mother, standing on the desk. What would she have said about his father's unwillingness to talk? Poe didn't know, but he thought that he'd have to remember that point when he talked to his father.

When he entered the small kitchen, he immediately spotted his father standing at the counter and slicing meat on a wooden cutting board with trembling hands.

"Finn went outside," Kes said, eyes focused on the knife in his hand.

"Yes, I know." Poe approached him, gently grabbing his father's hand, which was holding the knife, in his. "Let me do this," he said. "Please." Poe looked up to meet his father's brown eyes.

Kes Dameron had grown old, he realized, not for the first time. At seventy two this man was not as fit as he once was and Poe felt a twinge of guilt in the pit of his stomach when he realized that he should have come here more often. "I cook for myself most of the time, you know?"

Poe shook his head, pushing his father gently out of the way. "I hope not," he murmured.

Kes didn't reply and simply pulled up a chair, so he could sit down while Poe was working. Poe was glad to see it. At least his father hadn't grown entirely reckless.

"Your boyfriend is really fond of that tree," Kes said, throwing a look over his shoulder out into the garden, where Finn was sitting in the grass, his back against the tree and a datapad on his lap. Why did his father have to change subjects like this? Why wouldn't he trust his son, who had a right to know?

"He is..." Poe said quietly, taking up the knife his father had left on the counter and started slicing up the dark meat in front of him. "Dad, why won't you tell us what's going on?" He didn't look at his father, fully aware, that his father wasn't looking at him either.

"I'm fine for now. And you don't need to know." The tone in Kes' voice was calm, but there was unmistakeable severity mixed in the undertone. He didn't want to talk about it and expected Poe to just comply with his decision. So he was fine... for now. For now! What did that even mean? Poe pressed his lips tightly together, clutching the knife in his hand like his last hope for a safe haven. "Dad..." he said quietly, barely able to contain the anger rising up in him. When had his father become this stubborn? Why wouldn't he let anyone help him? "Why don't you come back with us to Chandrila? The new house is big enough and Finn and I-"

"No."

His heart was beating very fast now. He felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room with that single word. "Dad... Finn and I-"

"I said: no! I won't leave this place! Not until you have to carry me out in a casket!"

Slowly Poe turned his head to look directly at his father. What was he even saying? The lined face in front of him showed a determination which reminded Poe so very much of the man who had, so long ago, shouted at him for crashing his mother's A-Wing, but today Poe wasn't intimidated by it. Today he felt terrified at the stubbornness he knew he'd have to fight sooner rather than later.

"And I'm saying: Finn and I can help you! Finn's a medic! He-"

"I don't want his help! I don't want your help! Why won't you accept that!" Kes got up again. The sound of the chair's legs scratching over the floor made Poe's hair stand on end.

Breathing heavily, barely able to hold back a frustrated scream, Poe stared back down at the meat in front of him, the knife handle firmly in his grip. With a mighty thrust he rammed the knife into the wooden cutting board and he had to close his eyes, so Kes wouldn't see the tears forming behind his eyelids. "Because-" Poe started saying, trying to calm himself, "I might propose to Finn one of these days and I want you to be there at my wedding!" Angry at himself for the outburst, he let go of the knife handle and folded his arms across his chest to keep his hands from shaking. He still didn't look at his father and kept his eyes closed instead. He felt the strange burning sensation in his nose, the tightness in his throat and the suffocating knot in his chest.

Kes sighed and Poe felt his body shift. When he opened his eyes ever so slightly he saw that his father was leaning against the counter next to him. "Poe, there's nothing you can do. Nor Finn... I'm not going to drop dead tomorrow, if that's what you're worried about."

How could he possibly be this nonchalant? How could he not care?

A terrible thought crossed Poe's mind. What if Kes had known this for months? What if Kes had known the last time Poe had been here and hadn't told him. What had happened to speed up the process? Fighting for composure Poe gulped down the lump in his throat, but before he knew it, he felt his father's arms around him. Pressing his lips tightly together, Poe wrapped Kes in his arms,struggling against the sudden rush of emotion that was threatening to overwhelm him. His father was so close now. How long did he have? How much time would he be able to spend with him? When would it all be gone?

Still shaking he let go of his father after a while. His father had been the one fixed point in his life for so many years after his mother's death and Poe had no idea how he could possibly cope with the feeling of dread. With the uncertainty of when the blow would be administered. "Don't make me wait for bad news, Dad..." He whispered, his voice husky and somehow not his own. How could he speak, when there were no words that could convey what needed to be conveyed?

Kes shook his head slightly. It still appeared like he didn't mind. Like he had accepted his fate. "I won't," said Kes. "I really don't want you to worry about a specific time until you have to." He sighed and for once in his life Poe didn't know what to say. Words failed him in a way they had never done before.

Blinking, he wiped his eyes with one of his hands. He wanted to tell his father that he hated this arrangement, that he hated it being thrust at him like it was nothing. He hated that his father expected him to cope with something no one should have to cope with. But he couldn't. No sound, no utterance was suitable to express what he felt. How could there be, when he couldn't even fully comprehend that he would lose his father next?

"So... Finn..."

Poe looked up. His father's head was turned to the window again and he gently lowered himself back unto the chair. "What about him?", he croaked, though he could already guess what Kes was aiming for.

"Are you sure about him?" Kes didn't look him in the eyes and after a short rush of anger, Poe realized that he had expected this question for a long time.

"We've been together for ten years," he said, his voice firm again, though his thoughts were still trying to grasp the fact that his father was going to die. Probably sooner rather than later. The big emptiness was already stretching ahead of him, even though he wasn't standing directly at the abyss. He knew he'd get there eventually and the very thought of that made him shiver. It felt like he was being torn apart already and the conversation about Finn, after his father's revelation not two minutes ago, made him experience this tear through his soul even more. "Of course I'm sure." He followed his father's gaze, just to look at something other than the floor or the meat lying on the counter. Poe didn't know when he had been less hungry.

"Exactly. Like you said, you've been together for such a long time... you're over forty. I'm just wondering why you haven't taken that step before now." Kes still wasn't looking at him, but his arms were folded across his chest, almost as if he were imitating Poe. "You said you might propose to Finn. One of these days. Doesn't sound too confident."

"Well..." Poe trailed off, unable to explain to his father why he hadn't taken this step yet. Why he still felt hesitant, even though he knew that Finn was the one person he wanted to spend the rest of his days with. He dropped his gaze again to the cutting board and with an effort he pulled the knife out of the wood. Just for something to do he started slicing up the meat again. "I am, it's just..." He didn't say it. He couldn't make his lips form the words.

"Morap?"

Poe stopped in his movements, the knife only halfway through the meat in front of him. Slowly he looked up at his father again, whose eyes showed a sadness, which seemed to tug at Poe's own heart. Unable to do anything else, dumbfounded by his father's sudden frankness, he nodded and he saw that his father was reaching a conclusion. The wrong one by the looks of it.

"Are you sure Finn isn't a sort of substitute for him?" The words were spoken quietly, but they felt like a punch to the gut, which knocked the wind right out of him.

"Of course I am..." Poe said after a while, during which he struggled for breath. "I loved Morap, but he's gone... Finn is...", he shrugged, his mind racing. He had never said this out loud. Not to anyone, but if he couldn't trust his father with something like this, then who? "I love him. I love Finn, with all my heart, it's just... sometimes I feel so lost. Morap is still there somehow and thinking of him just feels wrong and then feeling bad about Morap-" He stopped himself, before he really started blabbering. He was sure that his father would understand what he was trying to say.

"Hm," Kes said. For a moment there was silence. "And you're sure that Finn-"

Poe raised a hand to stop him from saying anymore. "Don't...", he said. "I know you don't like Finn."

"What makes you say that?"

With a grim smile Poe finally dropped the knife and went to the sink to wash his hands. He didn't feel like cooking anymore. Not at all. "Don't even pretend like you haven't noticed that something is off between you."

Kes didn't answer and Poe poured soap on his hands, turning on the tap without looking back at his father. He wouldn't have thought that this visit would be so devastating. Already he wished he hadn't come here and at the same time he was glad that he had. Otherwise he wouldn't know about his father's condition.

"It's not that I don't like him...", Kes said slowly, as if he was thinking over every word before he said it. "It's just that..." He sighed. "He's a terrific guy, but-"

"But what?" Poe felt his heart rate pick up again as he turned the tap off with his elbow and turned around to face his father. So this was what it took for his father to come clean? To finally tell him what he really thought of his partner. "What is it?"

Kes shook his head and looked back outside to where Finn had dosed off, his head leaning against the huge trunk of the tree. "He doesn't have a family. Knows nothing about them, but... but he reminds me of someone I knew back in the day."

It was as if Kes' words had pulled out the floor beneath his feet. Unblinking Poe stared at his father, who wiped his brow as if he was wondering whether he had already said too much. "What do you mean?"

Kes shifted uncomfortably on his chair, still not looking at Poe. "It's just a hunch... I never wanted to get his hopes up. Or yours for that matter." He swallowed hard, tracing his lips with his fingertips. "I have no proof, it's just that he looks so much like one of the pilots in the Alliance back in the day. He and your mother were really close."

Poe had to lean against the counter. He knew that Finn was still wondering where he had come from. The records they had been able to salvage from the First Order hadn't been more than mere fragments and all the information they had stored about the Stormtroopers the Order had kidnapped as children were considered lost. And now, finally, here might be a clue as to where Finn's family might be. About what had happened to them.

"I haven't seen him since the battle of Endor," Kes continued in a quiet voice, "so I can't be sure... But I think he moved to Birken Six."

Poe wiped his sweaty palms on his trousers. "Why haven't you said anything until now?", he asked quietly and finally Kes turned to look at him. The lines on his face appeared deeper than ever.

"Like I said... I'm not sure and somehow it never felt like the right moment."

It never felt like the right moment. The only thing that could possibly make Kes say these things now, Poe thought, was that he felt like he should tell Poe before it was too late. In case he didn't get a chance to say them. In case something might prevent him from speaking those words.

Poe shivered. He could only hope that his father would indeed let him know what was wrong with him, before it was too late.