Thank you, guys!
Let's see what happens next. I hope you like it.
Staying by Kurt's side was the most horrible thing Blaine had to do in his life. The time seemed to pass so slowly and he felt like he was going crazy. He didn't move from the chair beside Kurt's bed, not to have something to eat or to rest. He needed to be there with Kurt, to be there for Kurt.
It seemed like ages as he was sitting there, holding the man's hands, waiting for a sign that meant Kurt would be awake soon. But it didn't come. Kurt stayed unmoving, breathing steadily, for God knows how long.
Blaine wasn't alone with him, though. Burt came inside several times to check on his son. He didn't want to disturb him and Blaine, but he needed to know if Kurt was alright. He stayed there with Blaine for a while, tried to convince him to eat something at least, but Blaine didn't move. He couldn't. He had to be there with Kurt.
Burt left them alone sometime, muttering something about talking to Carole and Pam as he stepped outside. Blaine didn't care. He forgot about everything else, the only thing he focus on was Kurt.
Then a nurse came, telling Blaine that they would try to take back from the drugs, to see if Kurt was well enough to bear the pain. Blaine only nodded. It wasn't important. All that mattered was Kurt.
When Kurt moaned in his sleep, Blaine almost jump up in happiness. That was it, Kurt was going to awake. But he had to sit down sadly when he realised Kurt was still asleep and it would take him some more time to be conscious again.
Blaine's eyes were burning from the lack of sleep and crying so much beside Kurt's bed, but he couldn't take his eyes from the man he loved. Kurt was in so much pain, he kept trashing and screaming in his sleep, although he had gotten more drugs again to ease the pain. But it wasn't enough this time. Blaine swallowed, trying to make the lump in his throat disappear as he squeezed Kurt's hand, whispering calming words into his ear.
And then, finally, Kurt opened his eyes. It was just a blink first but a few hours later, he seemed to wake up.
"Honey? Can you hear me?" Blaine asked quietly.
"Blaine?" Kurt whispered.
"I'm here" Blaine said, running his fingers through Kurt's hair. He blinked rapidly as he felt tears gathering in his eyes. "How are you feeling?"
"Hurts" Kurt answered, closing his eyes.
"I-I will call the nurse" Blaine said and stood up. "Just a second, okay? I will be back in no time."
Kurt nodded and Blaine rushed out of the room, searching for a nurse. When he found one, he told her everything and grabbed her arm to pull her into the room.
When they arrived, Kurt was asleep again.
"Kurt?" Blaine asked uncertainly as he sat back down beside Kurt while the nurse checked on him.
"He's still under the effect of the sedatives" the nurse explained. "But he will wake up soon again."
Blaine nodded and turned back to Kurt. He hoped that they would have a real conversation soon and Blaine could tell Kurt about Elyse. Because he knew Kurt wanted to know about her.
It was Sebastian who appeared next, wanting to check on Kurt. Blaine had to leave the room while Sebastian examined Kurt, checking if he was healing properly. Blaine used that time to take a short visit to the bathroom and ask the nurses about Elyse. He didn't have time to see his daughter himself, he didn't want to leave Kurt's side, hoping that he would be awake soon. But he missed the little girl and wanted to see her so badly. He couldn't wait for Kurt to wake up and then they could see their daughter together.
"He's alright" Sebastian said as he stepped out of Kurt's room.
"He was awake" Blaine said quietly. "Only for a few minutes but he was in pain, so I went to call the nurse. When we got back, he was asleep again."
"He needs time to recover, Blaine" Sebastian said patiently.
"I know. I just... God, this is like pure torture" Blaine sighed, running his fingers through his hair.
"It will be over soon" Sebastian smiled, putting a hand on Blaine's shoulder.
"Thank you" Blaine said.
"It's my job to encourage the new parents" Sebastian smiled.
"Not for that" Blaine replied. "For saving Kurt and Elyse. You don't know how grateful I am."
"I owed you that much after high school" Sbeastian joked.
"Nah, it wasn't that bad" Blaine smiled.
"It was" Sebastian sighed. "But we're adults now. We don't make mistakes like that."
Blaine nodded sadly. If Sebastian knew...
"I have to go back to Kurt" he said finally. "Thank you."
"You're welcome" Sebastian smiled and left Blaine.
He went back into the room and sat down beside Kurt, watching him in his sleep just like earlier. He was so tired that he could have fallen asleep right there but he had to stay awake. Kurt would open his eyes in any minute and he had to be there.
~ o ~
Kurt felt like swimming. He felt so light and comfortable, he just existed in the darkness around him. It was perfect. He didn't want to wake up anytime soon. But he was disturbed by the pain that just got stronger and stronger and he felt like he should open his eyes. And so he did. He opened his eyes but clamped them back shut as the pain in his body increased, making him slipping back into unconsciousness. Some time passed and he found himself being pulled out of his sleep again. He hesitated for a second, remembering the first time he had tried to open his eyes, but in the end, he did it again. He had to see what was going on.
The first person he saw was Blaine. He was barely aware of the man sitting beside him, squeezing his hand, but then he saw those eyes he would recognize from everywhere.
"Blaine" he whispered. His voice seemed so odd. Why was it so odd?
Blaine said something and Kurt really tried to pay attention but the pain seemed to take over his body and he was barely able to force out a new word.
"Hurts" he said and was proud of himself that he was strong enough to say so much.
Blaine babbled something and the hand on his own disappeared. It seemed like Blaine left him alone. But why did he leave Kurt? He wanted... he wanted to talk to...
The darkness came again but it was something new. It didn't leave Kurt rest, it didn't let him go back into the comfortable peace he had had before. It kept bringing him back towards consciousness and Kurt didn't like it at all. It meant pain and he had enough of pain. He just wanted to sleep.
After a while, he gave up, he couldn't fight the pain anymore. He heard noises around him, voices that reminded him to Blaine. And it gave him the strength to open his eyes again.
He was in a small room with machines around him, that made irritating noises. He turned his head and smiled as he saw Blaine, sitting in a chair beside him, with his head on his chest as he was sleeping. Kurt's mouth felt dry and he had to cough, although he didn't want to alert the man beside him. He wanted Blaine to sleep, he looked so exhausted. But he looked so cute, he had to touch his face...
As Kurt reached out to stroke Blain's cheek, the man stirred and started blinking. He moved his head to look at Kurt and when he saw he was awake, Blaine smiled.
"You're awake" he said.
"I am" Kurt smiled.
"Are you alright? Should I call the nurse or..."
Blaine was already on his feet but Kurt reached out towards him, stopping his boyfriend.
"I'm fine, Blaine" he said quietly.
"Are you sure?" Blaine asked and sat down when Kurt nodded, taking the man's hand. "God, Kurt, I was so worried..."
"What happened?" Kurt asked.
"Don't you remember?" Blaine asked with a frown.
"I remember that my water broke and we went to the hospital and then..."
Kurt fell silent and grabbed the blanket, lifting it up carefully. As he did so, he felt pain radiating from his abdomen.
"I gave birth, right?" Kurt asked, breathing rapidly. "Is-is she okay? Please, tell me she's fine!"
"She's completely fine, Kurt" Blaine said. "She's healthy."
"Thank God" Kurt sighed.
"There were complications... You lost too much blood and you almost went away" Blaine said, his voice breaking at the end. "I... I don't know how long you were asleep but I thought you wouldn't wake up again."
Blaine looked away, trying to hide his tears. It was too much. Everything he had to go through in the past few days came back to haunt him and he couldn't stop his tears now that he knew Kurt was alright and he was going to heal completely.
"I'm fine, Blaine" Kurt said gently and stroked Blaine's cheek, wipping his tears away. "I'm here now."
"I thought I would lose you!" Blaine sobbed.
"Hey, it's okay" Kurt tried to comfort him but it was hard since he couldn't get up from the bed.
"No, it's not" Blaine shook his head. "It shouldn't... It shouldn't happened this way."
"I know" Kurt nodded. "But it's over. I'm here and we have a beautiful, healthy daughter. That's all that matters."
"Right" Blaine said after a while.
"I want to hug you so badly" Kurt whispered. "But I don't know if I am allowed sit up."
"I don't know either" Blaine replied and sat closer to Kurt to put his arms around him. He needed Kurt. He needed his warmth, his scent, everything.
"God, I missed you" Kurt breathed, pressing a kiss onto Blaine's forehead.
"I missed you, too" Blaine said and tightened his arms around Kurt, careful to not hurt his stomach.
~ o ~
Kurt needed another few hours to be able to sit up. He was still in pain but the nurse said he could only see his daughter if he was able to sit up. So he pressed his lips together and tried. Blaine was right beside him, waiting for a sign to help Kurt but the man wanted to make it alone. He had to get out of the bed eventually, so he had to sit up alone. It was a painful process but Kurt finally did it. And when he succeeded, his first thought was his daughter. He needed to see Elyse.
The nurse stepped out to go for the baby and Kurt slumped back against the pillow in exhaustion.
"Are you alright?" Blaine asked in concern.
"Yeah" Kurt nodded. "But I didn't think it would be so hard."
"It will be easier tomorrow" Blaine replied.
"I hope so" Kurt said and forced himself to sit up again. The nurse could be back in any minute.
They waited for a few more minutes in silence, smiling at each other. Kurt was excited to finally see his daughter and he tried to imagine what she looked like. Blaine told him that she had his eyes, that her skin was like porcelain and she had the dark curls of Blaine. Kurt couldn't wait to see her.
When the nurse came back, with a little bundle in her hands, Kurt a deep breath to prepare himself for meeting his daughter. The nurse stepped closer and Kurt's eyes widened. What if Elyse hated him because he hadn't been there with her in her first days?
"It will be fine" Blaine whispered, squeezing his shoulder.
"Do you want to hold her?" the nurse asked.
"Yes. Yes, please" Kurt whispered.
The woman helped him take Elsy into his arms and Kurt could finally see his daughter's face.
"I will leave you alone" the nurse said and stepped outside.
Kurt looked down at the little girl in his arms. She was awake, looking up at him with those large, blue eyes.
"She's beautiful, right?" Blaine asked. "It was amazing to see her the first time. I felt like..."
"Could you take her from me?" Kurt asked suddenly, looking down. His hands were shaking.
"Of course" Blaine said.
It was almost a minute but they finally managed to put Elyse into Blaine's arms who held her securely. As he sat back down into his chair, he saw the tears in Kurt's eyes.
"It's okay honey" he smiled, stroking Elyse's forehead lovingly. "I know you're overwhelmed but it's completely normal..."
"I feel nothing" Kurt whispered and pressed his hand over his mouth to suppress a sob.
"Uhm... What?" Blaine asked in confusion.
Kurt hid his face into his hands, his shoulders shaking from his sobs. Blaine didn't know what to do. He wanted to comfort him but he had a newborn in his arms...
"I feel like she's a stranger" Kurt continued, still not looking at his family. "I wanted to meet her so badly, and now... I feel nothing. I... I don't love her."
"Of course you love her" Blaine smiled. "You just need some time to get to know her. Here, let's try it again."
As Blaine lifted the baby in his arms, Kurt pulled away sharply, causing Blaine to frown.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
"I... I think you should leave" Kurt said quickly and turned away again.
Blaine bit his lip but said nothing. He stood up with his daughter in his arms and stepped outside. He knew that Kurt needed time but they had to talk about it soon.
~ o ~
When Kurt heard the soft click that told him he was alone, he lay down and pressed his head into his pillow, sobbing loudly. He couldn't believe that he had the chance to finally meet his daughter and he did that. It felt like his own feelings betrayed him. He had waited for that moment for so long but when it came, when he was finally able to see that beautiful little girl, he felt nothing. Like his daughter was just a stranger, nothing more.
He felt so bad about it that he couldn't look into Blaine's eyes. It was too much. He was afraid that Blaine would be disappointed in him, so he sent them away. But he knew he had to face the consequences sometime, and maybe it would be even worse. He wanted to disappear.
He didn't know how long he had been there, crying his heart out. He didn't even recognize the opening of the door or the person stepping inside. He only looked up when he felt a large hand on his shoulder.
"Dad?" he whispered.
"Hey, kiddo" Burt smiled. "I heard you kicked Blaine and Elyse out."
Kurt sighed and turned away.
"What's wrong with me?" he asked quietly. "I was so excited to meet her and when I did... I felt nothing. I don't love her."
"It feels like she's somebody you don't know, right?" Burt asked knowingly.
"Yes" Kurt muttered, ashamed. "I don't know why. I... I was the one who carried her, I shouldn't feel this way. She-she was here with me in the past eight months. I should know her."
"Kurt, it's not so simple" Burt said quietly. "Becoming a parent is a big change, especially after everything you went through. I know you didn't imagine giving birth like this, nobody did. You had to fight for your own life and you're still under the effect of the hormones and drugs. You will love her. Just give yourself some time."
"What if I won't change? What if I won't be able to love her?" Kurt asked.
"It's impossible" Burt smiled. "Alright, I will tell you something. It's something I wanted to keep secret but since you feel this way... Maybe it will help you. I wasn't with your mother when you arrived. Things weren't the same that time, I had to wait outside while your mother gave birth to you. Hours later, when I could finally see you, I almost ran away."
Kurt raised an eyebrow. Burt laughed and continued.
"I got scared" Burt explained. "Everybody talked about how amazing having a child was but I didn't feel that way. All I saw was a little red faced baby who didn't want to stop crying."
Kurt smiled.
"Yeah, I know I shouldn't say this, but you looked aweful in the first few days" Burt smiled. "But it wasn't the reason why I was so scared. Your mother seemed to do it fine, she always knew what to do, how to comfort you when you cried. But I didn't. I felt so desperate, I didn't even know how to change a diaper and when I had to hold you in my arms, I was afraid that I would drop you. So I tried to avoid you for days."
"You never talked about this" Kurt said quietly.
"Because I was ashamed" Burt sighed. "I helped your mother with everything else but I didn't even get close to you. Of course I didn't have the chance to get to know you this way, and I felt so badly. It had been days and I didn't feel like I could love my own son."
Burt fell silent and looked away. It was hard to talk about this, especially now when he loved his son so much.
"It was your mother who helped me get through it" Burt said. "She asked me several times to take you into my arms, to feed you, to make anything. But I didn't. So one day, when you were asleep, she left for a few hours to meet her parents and she left you and a list about what I should do. I begged her not to go but she was out of the house before I could finish."
"That's so not like her" Kurt muttered.
"That's true" Burt nodded. "But she just wanted the best for all of us. She knew that I wouldn't let you cry and I would do my best to make everything perfectly."
"What happened then?" Kurt asked.
"One of the best days of my life" Burt answered. "Okay, it was hard at first. I had to figure out why you didn't want to stop crying, but after a good a meal and a fresh diaper everything went well. We sat down in the living room and I kept you in my arms while you fell asleep again. It was so peaceful. I loved it. When your mother came home hours later and found us, she told me that she had left us because she knew it would be good for us. That we needed some alone time to get to know each other."
"So you think that I will be able to love her?"
"I know you will" Burt said. "Parenthood is not always like in the movies. There are lucky ones who feel the connection from the first moment but others like us need some time. But you will feel it. You're the best thing in my life and I'm sure you will feel the same way about Elyse."
"I love you, Dad" Kurt said in tears.
"I love you too, son" Burt smiled.
~ o ~
When Burt left and Blaine came back, Kurt told him about his fears. Blaine assured him that he would help and they agreed that they would go to see Elyse together the next day, if Kurt could finally get out of bed.
Kurt couldn't sleep too much that night. He was nervous and afraid of how the next day would go. He wanted to love his daughter so badly but he was worried he wouldn't be a good father. He thought about what his father had said earlier, that it could be because of his fears of being a parent. Maybe his father was right, maybe it was just because things hadn't gone the way he had planned.
The next day, when Blaine arrived, he was already out of bed. It hurt like hell, it was so hard to move, but he had to. There was a little girl waiting for them in another room of the hospital, he couldn't stay away any longer. Elyse needed him and Blaine.
"Don't be scared" Blaine said quietly as they reached the large window of the room where their daughter was waiting with some more babies around her.
Kurt found her immediately. It was hard to miss her, she was the one with long, dark hair and pale skin. She was the most beautiful of all the babies in front of them. How had he missed it the previous day?
"Do you want to see your daughter?" a familiar voice asked.
Blaine smiled when he saw the nurse. She had helped them a lot in the past few days.
"Are you ready?" Blaine asked, turning back to Kurt. The man took a deep breath and nodded.
"Yeah. I would like to see her" he said.
The miracle didn't come that day but Kurt wasn't as devastated as the first time. He remembered his father's words and he promised himself to try harder for his family's sake.
And so he did. Later that afternoon, when Blaine got home to have some rest, he asked a nurse if he could see Elyse. The woman just smiled and told him that she would come back with the baby in a few minutes. Kurt used that time to get ready. He felt like he owed Elyse an explanation, that his daughter deserved to know what was going on and why he didn't act like a real father. He had to tell her that he wouldn't give up, that he would do everything to love her.
It didn't mean he didn't freak out when the nurse came back with the baby, pressed her into his arms and left them alone. Kurt looked down at the baby with wide eyes. Elyse was awake, looking at him with those large eyes that cut right into his soul. But she wasn't angry as he expected. She looked curious, nothing else.
"Hey" Kurt said quietly.
The baby blinked as if she was surprised Kurt talked to her but she didn't move.
"God, it's so hard" Kurt said, blinking his tears away. "I... uhm... You know, it's weird. I thought I was prepared to meet you but I think I was wrong."
He laughed nervously and tightened his arms around the baby to hold her securely.
"I know it's not what you expected, it's not what I expected, but I promise you, I will do everything to make it better. Okay?"
The baby opened her mouth but she remained silent, keeping her eyes on Kurt.
"You aren't lonely with all those babies around you, are you?" Kurt smiled for a second but then he became serious again. "Of course you are. You need your parents but I only visited you once and I keep Blaine away from you. I'm really a horrible father, right?"
Kurt felt tears escaping his eyes and rolling down his cheeks. But he didn't care.
"I understand if you hate me. You have every right to do so" he whispered.
He saw as Elyse's mouth twitched slightly and he got so scared that he almost dropped the baby. She really hated him, she was going to cry. God, don't cry...
And she didn't. She opened her mouth, gave the cutest sound Kurt had ever heard and smiled. She actually smiled at him.
"You-you don't hate me?" Kurt asked uncertainly and reached out with a shaky hand to touch the girl's cheek. She smiled again and Kurt felt his heart beating faster. He didn't even notice, but he wasn't crying anymore, he was smiling at his daughter. "You're the most perfect baby, you know? I'm so glad that I have you."
He looked into the baby's eyes and he finally felt it. It had been there the first time when he had seen his daughter, it had been there from the moment he had seen the positive pregnancy test. He just hadn't realised it. That incredible feeling, the strongest of all, that made him feel like he was the luckiest, happiest person of the world.
Love.
One more chapter to go and an important question to answer...