Craig awoke to the sound of his phone ringing. He looked at the clock and cursed to himself. 3:42 am. Who the hell was bothering him at 3:42 am? He blearily grappled for his phone, eventually landing a hand on it.
"Who the hell is this?" he asked a little sullenly.
"CRAAAIG! THE WAR WITH THE GIRLS. IT STARTED WITH THE ASIANS, CRAIG! THE ASIANS DID THIS!" Butters' voice was shrill and dramatic. They weren't friends. What the fuck was this little asshole doing bothering him past midnight?
"Why should I care?" Craig's voice was back to its usual sarcastic stoic tone, now that he'd woken up a little.
"TWEEEEK. HE TOLD ME THAT YOU WERE GOING AFTER THE ASIANS. I did a little digging around about the Asians, see. Stan's dad knows about them. It all started with the rape of Don King! And ever since, the Chinese have been going around choosing people to be gay! But you know what I think? I think they choose the ones they like to make gay. Well, because the Asian girls are like all the other girls. They want to punish us for being boys! They want to rip our hearts out and stomp around on them until they explode, and get heart juice all over the place. Well I'll tell you what, Craig. No boy is safe. Not even the gay ones. Like I told you earlier, we have got to make a stand. You can't just go after the Asians, Craig. We have to make sure that everyone knows we aren't second class citizens just because we've got wieners. We have to pull 'em out and make sure everyone knows that we ain't ashamed of them."
"Don't say the word wiener. It makes you sound gay," Craig said. He wasn't exactly sure what the weirdo was rambling about, but at least he had a lead that the Asians might really be what was behind his almost gayness. Not that it was real gayness. Kissing Tweek didn't make him gay.
"Oh, uh, I'm sorry to be appropriating homosexual culture, Craig. I think you're stunning and brave."
Craig rolled his eyes so hard he thought they were going to burst out of his head.
Butters continued, "But all I'm saying is, we have to protest. This is an all out war against our gender, and the girls would rather see us dead than give us any kind of power. We're all going to pull our wieners out at the girl's volleyball game tomorrow. And you and Tweek have to stand with us. To show that even gay guys aren't ok with what the girls are doing. Charlotte-Charlotte broke my heart, Craig. A lot of the other guys are in the same boat. Girls need to learn that they can't just do that to us. It's not right."
Craig considered for a moment, then replied, "If I say we'll do it, will you let me go to sleep?"
"Well, of course, buddy!" Butters exclaimed, as if he hadn't woken Craig up at this ungodly hour to begin with.
"Fine. I'll do it." Craig hung up without giving Butters a chance to respond. He rolled over and passed out the second his head hit the pillow.
Ring ring ring.
Craig grabbed the phone furiously and spoke into it in a deadly calm voice.
"Someone had better be dead, Butters, because if they're not, you will be tomorrow."
"I-It's not Butters! GaH, it's me, Craig! Butters said that-that-ARGH- that we were pulling our-WAh dicks out tomorrow? I don't want to pull my dick out! TOO MUCH P-PRESSURE! AGH!" Craig hadn't heard Tweek this agitated in a long time. He frowned to himself.
"Calm the hell down, Tweek, it'll be ok. I'll be right there next to you. We have to do this. Once we're straight again, we will need to have made a stand with the other straight guys. Otherwise, they'll hate us. Also Butters was saying something about Asians causing this? Maybe pulling our dicks out will be a way to stand up to the Asians. This could work."
"But I don't want people seeing-AH- seeing my dick, Craig! Everyone will be staring, and watching me! GAH! Pressure! W-what if it's smaller than everyone else's? What if everyone makes fun of me and AH! And what if I have a small dick? What then?"
"I'm sure your dick is fine, Tweek," Craig said wearily, looking longingly at his pillow.
"R-Really? GAH- ok, Craig, I trust you. But you stay right next to me alright?"
"I promise. See you tomorrow."
Craig hung up on Tweek, still annoyed at his lack of sleep. Stripe was squealing in excitement over the phone calls. The wood shavings in his cage were falling onto the floor like confetti as the guinea pig ran around, certain it was morning. Craig sighed. Clearly he hadn't been destined to sleep tonight. He got Stripe out, and stroked him comfortingly. He thought about the craziness he'd be participating in today and shook his head. Maybe participating in it after a sleepless night would make it easier.
The gym started to quiet down as the National Anthem began. Tweek was shaking violently next to him, in the crowded bleachers. Craig squeezed his arm reassuringly and turned back to look across the stadium. Butters was the first to drop his pants. He had his arm up in the air, clenched in a fist like some kind of old army general. Craig avoided staring at his crotch, afraid that the sight of a naked cock would bring out the Asian's curse in him. He looked over at Tweek, who was putting on a brave face. In unison they pulled down their pants and threw one fist into the air. Tweek was looking anywhere but at him. Craig couldn't stop his glance from running down Tweek's body. He realized that Tweek's fears about size had been entirely unfounded, and quickly glanced away, afraid that his arousal would be far too obvious while he was this exposed.
Craig heard the murmurs of the crowd around him, but to his shock, the Anthem kept on playing, and no one tried to cover up the teenaged boys that were displaying their crown jewels for the whole gymnasium to see. Everyone was acting like this was just another normal protest. I guess the world is pretty messed up right now. A year ago, if I'd have known I could pull my dick out in a full auditorium and not get in trouble, I would have been so happy, Craig thought to himself. As the Anthem ended, the boys slowly slipped their pants back up, and exited the gym. There was no reason to stay for the boring part of the game. He didn't remember grabbing it, but Tweek's hand was somehow in his again as they walked.
"Thanks for staying with me, Craig," Tweek said with a weak smile.
"You ok, dude?" Craig asked, a little concerned. Tweek looked pretty calm, but he knew this display would have been quite the ordeal for his friend.
"Yeah, I'm ok." Tweek was blushing a little bit. "But I think we need to-ARGH! Make the Asians reverse this pretty soon. Before either of us does something we'd re-regret."
Craig felt another surge of arousal as he realized what the blond meant, and scowled at his body in his mind.
"Agreed. Tomorrow, then."
Tweek, still blushing, pulled Craig out the doors of the high school and planted a kiss on his lips. Before Craig had time to react, he was gone, running towards the direction of his neighborhood. Craig shook his head and kept walking.