HONEY EIGHT
A/N Thanks for the reviews. Warning: A reference to possible cannibalism here.
Over in her castle, Queen Constance had a heck of a shock.
"Mirror Mirror on the Wall,
Who is the fairest of us all?" she asked in that 'don't give me any backchat, b*tch' voice that she was so well known for.
"Oh Queen, you're fair, despite your sins,
But it's still Lily White who wins" said the mirror, who had forgotten its lines and was improvising frantically.
Queen Constance went a whiter shade of pale and screamed:
"But Lily White's dead!"
She sent her guards to fetch Captain Iain Dean to her, but it seemed he'd done a runner.
She'd learned from the babbling mirror that Lily White had been spared, was living somewhere in the forest in a little cottage, and that she, Queen Constance, had actually eaten a wolf's heart with roasted vegetables on Ciabatta bread and not, as she'd hoped, her stepdaughter's.
Oh, Captain Iain Dean was going to suffer…
Ethan was suffering agonies of indecision when Sophie came in. Noel had seen her flight from the palace, and had driven up alongside her to give her a lift:
"Those two losers can just wait till I go back again for them."
This meant that she was reasonably warm when she came into the kitchen at Tartford, but Ethan had a nice big fire going, and Sophie's favourite soup on the stove.
"Come and get warm, darling. Did you enjoy it?"
Sophie's hurt pride made her say:
"Yes, it was lovely. And Prince Caleb was gorgeous."
"So you got to dance with him?"
"Yes! Oh Ethan, I think he cares for me!"
"Does he really?" Ethan asked, his tone altering slightly.
"Yes. Don't look at me like that, Ethan, he's really lovely."
"And he loves you?"
"I've said, haven't I?"
"And he'd protect you if you were in danger?"
"Well of course" said Sophie, wondering where all this could be leading.
"So if you were being menaced by a Phantom, he'd get you to safety before he thought about himself?"
The penny dropped. Sophie glared at Ethan, hands on hips.
"Ethan Hardy, you selfish pig! You were on that roof throwing your voice last night! You were pretending to be a Phantom!"
"Guilty!"
"Well it didn't work because I have proof that Prince Cal loves me. He gave me this."
She held out a little silver heart on a chain. Enraged, Ethan threw it across the room.
"A heart? Well…"
Ethan suddenly grabbed Sophie's hands and held them to his chest.
"This is MY heart! Feel it! It beats. It breaks… Goodness knows, it breaks… and it's made of real flesh and blood, blood that I'd shed for you if I had to because- because I've loved you for ages now, you little twerp!"
The next minute Ethan was kissing her. And Sophie heard the bells and saw the fireworks. She didn't want to let go, but they eventually separated.
"Why, Ethan!"
"Sophie, if you'll marry me I swear that I'll work to keep you comfortable and make you happy. What do you think?"
It could have been the perfect ending for them. But alas, the demon Meyer was floating somewhere above them, and he made a little sign and vanished.
No, thought Sophie, I've been starved of luxury for too long now and I'm going to marry Prince Cal if I get the chance again.
"I'm sorry, Ethan, but I have to have my chance with Prince Caleb" she said with a tinge of regret in her voice.
"Oh that's okay" Ethan replied, "Come and give me a hug to show there are no hard feeings."
Sophie went to hug Ethan… and the next minute he'd sneaked the chloroform pad from its hiding place, and put it over her face.
"I'm so sorry, but I have to save you from him" he said as he carried her down to the cellar. He made sure she was wrapped up warmly and then hurried back upstairs to await the two Tartford Vampires' return.
In they came, squabbling and backbiting as usual.
"It's a good job you've got that fire stoked, Hardy."
"Yes, but I need you to sit down; there's something I have to tell you."
They sat.
"It was Sophie who was Princess Mysterieuse last night. She had some outside help. Never mind how I know for now. Later today, Prince Caleb and his retinue will be coming along to try that slipper on all the ladies' feet."
"Hardy, you're going to be beaten within an inch of your life for this" snarled Alicia.
"Fine, but hear me out first. I've chloroformed Sophie and locked her in the cellar – I have my reasons – so she'll miss the Prince's visit."
"Darling Ethan! Oh, we love you! You just sit there and we'll make you a lovely hot drink. What would you like?"
"Cyanide's what I deserve. But I'll have a coffee please."
"You shall have some brandy in it, and – yes, we'll let you have some of our best whipped cream."
"Just black, please."
"Oh, all right then."
While Ethan and the Tartfords awaited Prince Caleb's visit, Granny was showing Rita a poster which said:
"Wanted. For Treason against Queen Constance of Morcara: Iain Dean. Dead or Alive. 50 Morcaran crowns reward!"
Rita went pale.
"Oh, Granny!"
"Stop your whining. He's not daft. He'll be well over the border by now if he has any sense."
But a knock at the door proved Iain didn't have any sense, for there he stood.
"Granny, Rita - I have to flee-"
"-I know all about that, lad. And you're not saying goodbye to our Rita. I'm not helpless on my own. If I can whack a wolf with a bedpan I can get along just fine. Rita, get yourself a bundle together and leave with this lad."
"Oh, Granny!"
"I'll take care of her, Granny, I swear."
"I know you will. And one day that bitch Constance will be without a head or locked up in maximum security, and then you can both come home. Now I'll pack you both some grub and give you some of my savings."
"NO, Granny-"
"Never mind no! Now pack! I knew he was meant to be with you as soon as I saw him!"
Rita hugged her Granny and ran to pack.
The knock at the door was hardly unexpected but Alicia and Louise jumped up and down, then glared at each other as they ran to admit the visitor. Big Mac, looking exhausted, stood there with the slipper on a little cushion. Behind him stood Prince Caleb.
"You have heard of what befell my bride earlier this morning? Fled the palace for some reason and left her little slipper! When I find out who scared her away they'll pay a heavy price. Now, I don't think it's either of you two because the girl I danced with was beautiful, but all ladies in the land are to try on this shoe."
Ethan heard Caleb's speech and thought he'd done the right thing to save Sophie from this man. He came forward helpfully with a footstool.
"Thank you, minion. Okay, you first."
Caleb gestured to Louise, who put out her foot.
"No chance, lass" Big Mac sighed.
"Please try again!"
"Sweetheart" said Cal, "The only way you'll fit that slipper is if you hack a piece off your foot and I'm not having you bleeding on my nice horse. NEXT!"
Alicia pushed Louise out of the way, sat down and put out her foot.
"Ugh, have you never heard of a chiropodist? No… your foot's too long. Sorry."
Alicia, weeping, withdrew. Prince Cal continued:
"In fact I'm more than sorry because this is the last house in Passionara. So I'll not be reunited with my Princess after all. She'll be broken at the thought of losing me."
Ethan pressed his lips together tightly and tried to kill the feelings inside himself.
"Maybe" fantasised Prince Cal, "She's even now heading to the river to drown her grief in death."
It was too much for poor Ethan.
"Highness, I have done a terrible thing but I'll right that wrong instantly. Please wait!"
He ran down to the cellar and came back carrying the still unconscious Sophie.
"You killed my chosen bride, you swine!" screamed Caleb.
"No, she's only unconscious… but I think she'd rather come round in your arms."
And Ethan handed the woman he loved and his future happiness over to Prince Caleb with a sigh.